Chapter 8: The Highest Room As the soldiers took them into custody, Shrek stayed alert, hoping to spy an opportunity for escape. He was surprised when one came so quickly. Perhaps Gledius was overconfident, or perhaps he wasn't as competent a military officer as he fancied himself. In any case, he made two mistakes. First, as the soldiers led the two ogres out into the hallway -- a hallway that was only six feed wide -- they allowed Shrek and Fiona to walk side-by-side. True, Fiona at this point wasn't much of a threat. In fact, she appeared utterly broken, and Shrek was sure it was no act. She had ended her crying jag against his shoulder, but now she was despondent and listless. When they had started to lead the two out of the room, Shrek had to put his arm around her to support her, and she leaned heavily against him. But neither Gledius, who seemed content to stay behind and observe the large room -- looking like the owner of a new house considering how he would redecorate -- nor any of his underlings moved to separate the two ogres as they entered the hallway side-by-side. And, being side-by-side, there was no room to have guards TO their sides. Second, as they moved forwards, roughly half the soldiers lead the ogres and the other half trailed behind in single-file lines, so that only the soldier DIRECTLY in front of the prisoners and the one directly behind were capable of immediate contact with them. In addition to that, the one immediately behind them was armed with a long- handled battleaxe. A formidable weapon, but one that was not as easy to maneuver in close quarters, which was what this was. The soldier to the front of the ogres was armed with a sword, a more appropriate weapon for the situation. But HE was facing forwards as they moved down the hall, not looking at the ogres except for an occasional backward glance. Glances which Shrek quickly observed were regular and easily timed. Shrek realized that he had an opening. The question was, when to take it. For there was one other thing he needed: a quick escape opportunity. Something he and Fiona could take advantage of after the briefest of fights. And as they strode down one hallway, about two-thirds of the way ahead down a hundred foot long passage, he saw it. There was a door ajar by about two feet. It opened inward, away from the hallway. And through the opening Shrek thought he glimpsed a stairway. As they moved closer he was sure of it; there was definitely a landing and a set of stairs beyond the door, and the door was not being guarded. It was not the stairway the soldiers were planning on taking, either; the first part of the entourage marched right past it. As they drew near the door -- a simple wooden door, he could now see -- Shrek's mind raced. The door was on Fiona's side of the hallway. Unfortunately, there was no real way he could let Fiona know what was going through his mind. She was far past the point of noticing any subtle signals on his part now, and anything more overt might alert the soldiers. She was mostly staring glumly straight ahead, every so often sniffling again and wiping at her nose or an eye. She was still leaning heavily against him, as if most of her strength had been siphoned away. Even the arm that she draped around his waist for support felt weak. But as a plan congealed in Shrek's mind, he felt somewhat grateful for that. What he needed to do would take a lot more effort now with Fiona's heftier frame than it took during their playful shoving match on their journey to Duloc when she was in human form, but he thought he could do it. He HAD to do it. As they came nearer the door, Shrek stealthily slid his arm down so his hand rested on Fiona's side closest to him and furthest from the door. As they drew adjacent to the portal, Shrek drew in a deep breath then suddenly shoved Fiona toward the door with all his might. She let go a surprised little shriek as her hurtling form smacked against the door, throwing it open as she sprawled through the doorway and onto the landing. Shrek didn't wait to see all this. The follow-through of his shove turned him completely around so that he was facing the soldier that had been behind them. Stunned, the soldier had barely started to move his battleaxe when Shrek grabbed hold of its handle with both his hands. The struggle for the implement lasted only a second as Shrek lifted one foot and half-pushed, half-kicked the soldier in the midsection., knocking the air out of him and sending him tumbling backwards into the soldiers directly behind him, taking out the first two or three. Shrek didn't wait for them to react; instead, he turned again, bringing the battleaxe up just in time to deflect the slicing sword of the soldier who had been marching in front of him. Shrek swiped the handle of the battleaxe upwards, clanging against the soldier's armored chest and knocking him aside. Shrek then dove through the open doorway, barely escaping a sword slice by the soldier that had been in front of the one he had just swept away. Once past the doorway, Shrek quickly grabbed the door and slammed it shut. He noticed that there was yet another soldier who had started reaching toward the doorway in an attempt to stop Shrek from closing it; the man had wisely pulled back at the last moment, and thus probably saved his fingers. "You okay, Love?" he called over his shoulder as he braced the door with his body. He had latched it but there was, unfortunately, no lock. He glanced back to see Fiona, who had just picked herself off the landing and was brushing dirt off what was becoming a well-worn wedding dress. "I'm fine," she replied, some spirit returning to a voice that sounded partially energized and partially perturbed at her treatment. "I wish you had given a me a little clue about what you were planning, though." "Sorry, no time!" he said. Then he chuckled, even as he felt the blows begin thudding against the other side of the door. "Humans!" he said, giddiness over his accomplishment making him forget his audience for a moment, "they see an ogre and keep thinkin' 'bout size and strength. They keep forgettin' the dexterity part. Even after the tournament, they don't even think! I wonder sometimes if most of 'em don't have brains; just a collection 'o prejudices rattlin' around up there." Then he remembered himself, and looked back at her. "Oh," he said contritely. "Sorry, I didn't mean--" Fiona shrugged. "I don't feel like arguing the point," she said, "especially since my feelings towards may fellow -- or FORMER fellow -- humans is not very keen at the moment. But that's kind of irrelevant right now. What do you propose we do?" "You head downstairs," Shrek said, "I'll be right behind ye. We'll see if we can't escape the castle. After that -- well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Then he chuckled again, "And we'll hope it doesn't collapse underneath us like at Dragon's castle." "Interesting plan," Fiona said. "Only one problem. These stairs don't go down. They only go up." "WHA?" Shrek stammered, and looked back behind him again, this time more closely. Just beyond Fiona the stone stairway -- some four feet wide -- ascended upwards some twenty feet before taking a ninety degree turn and disappearing around the corner of the stairwell. But Shrek saw that they were indeed standing at the BOTTOM of that stairwell; there was no matching stairway heading downwards. "Well, would ye look at that?!" Shrek said in mixed surprise, anger, and irritation. "Who the bloody blazes would design a stairway that only goes up THIS close to the top of the bloody castle?" "How should I know?" Fiona replied, "I'm a royal, not an engineer." "Well, then there's just one thing t'do," Shrek said, "go up." "Up to WHERE?" she asked. He shrugged. "We'll find out when we get there." "But how will being HIGHER in this place HELP us?" Shrek heard and felt a different type of thumping on the door, now. It was the sharp, splintering sound of a battleaxe. It wouldn't be long now. "Just go on up, Fiona," he said, "we'll figure the next move when we get up there." "But--" Shrek looked back at her. "GO!!!" he shouted with as much urgency and strength of command as he could muster, hoping that would make SOME impression on her. Fiona stared back at him, dumbfounded by the outburst. Well, he thought, at least he had made SOME impression. "I'll be right behind ye!" he added, "Now GO! DO IT!!!" Fiona let out a gasp of exasperation and started bounding up the stairs. As she disappeared around the first flight, two inches worth of a battleaxe's blade poked through the door right beside Shrek's hand. Shrek then took his own battleaxe and shoved its blade deep into the crevice between the door and doorframe just above the knob, effectively jamming it shut. He then pulled on and broke off the axe's handle, leaving him a sharp-ended, five- foot wooden spear as his only weapon. He started running toward the stairs, but had only ascended the first couple of steps when he heard the door burst open. He turned to see soldiers spilling into the room. The first few stopped for a moment to get their bearings, and their visor-covered faces turned toward him. Shrek struck a pose, holding the shaft outward and at the ready, looking like a cross between and kendo warrior and a vampire slayer. The soldiers froze for a moment, their swords at the ready, but they appeared in no hurry to use then. But then Shrek saw Gledius appear at the back of his men. "GET HIM!" the captain commanded. And, after another brief hesitation, the soldiers charged. * * * Fiona's trip up the stairs only lasted three flights, then the stairway came to an abrupt end at another closed door. Only this door was different -- on it was attached a round, four-foot diameter shield, and on the shield was Farquaad's ornate "f," done in what looked like gold. "What the heck--" she began, then she heard the crash of the door opening below her, followed a few moments later by Gledius's "GET HIM!" Without thinking, Fiona reached forward and grabbed the shield by opposite sides and yanked. It ripped free and for a second Fiona stood there, grasping the shield and looking at its splintered moorings, surprised at her own strength. Then from below she heard the sounds of clanging armor and of metal striking wood, and she turned and started running back down the stairs. * * * Shrek slowly backed up the stairs until he was about half-way up the first flight, deflecting one soldier's sword with his shaft and then swinging the handle forward, knocking him back down the steps. The soldiers behind him did not seem in a hurry to take his place. Shrek was now in a position in the stairwell that only one or two soldiers could reach him at a time, which gave him an obvious advantage. "THAT THE BEST YE GOT?!" Shrek taunted with a sneer, his blood now hot with battle. Gledius, standing safely off to the side at the bottom landing, smiled and simply called out, "Bowmen!" Shrek was confused about what was going on for a moment as the soldiers with swords and spears fell back and away. Then Shrek could see four crossbow-wielding soldiers at the base of the stairwell, two kneeling and two standing behind them. All of them raised their weapons and pointed them at him. "Oh-oh," Shrek muttered and bit his lower lip, suddenly aware of the helplessness of his position. Gledius opened his mouth to give the order to fire, but his words were pre-empted by another voice, one barking a command with much more volume and authority than Gledius could ever manage. A female voice. One that sounded from BEHIND Shrek. It spoke a single word: "DUCK!!!" Shrek looked back to see Fiona standing at the top of the flight, carrying a large shield. She quickly shifted it so that she was holding it horizontally by its rim, then curled it at an arc to the side of her body as her steely blue eyes took aim past Shrek at the set of crossbowmen at the base of the stairs as if she were a bowler lining up her shot. They looked up at her in stunned surprise. "SCATTER!" Gledius called. Shrek belatedly fell flat on the steps and the bowmen dropped their sights and dove to the side as Fiona flung the shield with a grunt. The large disk flew over Shrek's body and down the stairwell. He looked down to see it smash into the base of the landing where the bowmen had been just a moment before, burying itself into the stone about a foot up its diameter. Then Shrek felt a strong hand grip the top of his vest just behind his neck. "COME ON!" Fiona said, somehow managing to pull the ogre half-way to his feet. Shrek stumbled the rest of the way up to a standing position as she let go and the two of them dashed up the stairs, the queen first and Shrek just behind. As they turned the corner of the first flight Shrek could hear a couple of crossbow bolts clatter against the stone stairwell. He reflexively swiped a hand across his posterior to make sure he hadn't picked up another stray missile. As they came up to the door at the top of the stairwell and Shrek saw the broken moorings where Fiona had apparently ripped off the shield. He raised an eyebrow, impressed. "Is it locked?" he called. "Don't know, didn't have time to try it" Fiona replied as they reached the portal. She reached forward, grabbing the knob and twisting. It was unlocked, and she pushed it open, saying "Thank God," as she raced through and held it open for Shrek. As soon as he was in she slammed it shut. Shrek turned to see that they were in even more luck -- this door was much more sturdily built than the one below, and THIS one had a bolt, and a strong one. He quickly bolted the door as the first clattering of armor could be heard rounding the first flight, and both ogres fell against the door, panting heavily. * * * Fiona felt her heart racing. She looked over at Shrek, silently thanking God that he was alive. "Are you okay?" she managed to gasp out. He looked back at her with those deep brown eyes and smiled, a smile that sent her heart racing again for a different reason. "I'm fine," he said, fighting to regain control of his own breathing. "And ... thank ye ... for savin' m'life just now." Fiona raised an eyebrow in surprise, then gave a mischievous shrug and said with coy, mock confusion and modesty, "What?" Shrek gave a brief laugh and Fiona giggled, dropping her transparent pretence. For an instant they both forgot where they were and what was on the other side of the door. It was suddenly brought back to them with a start as they heard the first loud pounding. Both ogres quickly dropped their brief mirth, instinctively looking back at the door for a moment, then both swung around to take account of where they now were. They were in an ornately decorated bedroom, lit by several candelabras, a crackling fireplace, and some sort of strange hanging lanterns that sat to either side of an immense round bed that sat in the center of the room. The bed must have measured almost three yards in diameter, and upon it sat a zebra-stripe patterned blanket, but with stripes too broad and a surface too hairy to be true zebra skin. Near its apparent head stood a tall three-panel fold-out depicting some sort of fantasy woodlands scene, with a cartoon caricature of Farquaad dominating the center while off to the side in another panel a nondescript female figure, barefoot and wearing a dress decorated with little hearts, was approaching from out of the woods while in the opposite panel another figure -- Fiona couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a Cupid-like fairy or a little demon -- sat in another tree, watching. Fiona glanced away and down at her feet, and noted that they were standing on recently installed shag carpeting. "Oh my God!" Fiona gasped, "This must be Farquaad's bedroom!" "It WAS his bedroom," Shrek agreed, then they heard several more loud thumps at the door. "Come on, Fiona," he said, suddenly running over beside the bed, "we don't have much time!" Fiona blinked. "I BEG your pardon?" she said, not quite believing her ears. Shrek reached down toward the bottom of the bed. "Help me move this over to the door ta block it!" "Oh!" she said, suddenly embarrassed, "I thought ... uh, never mind." She hurried over to the opposite side of the bed from where Shrek stood, looking dumbfounded over whatever had caused her to suddenly blush, and then she looked down at the massive piece of furniture. "I don't think I can lift this," she said. "Sure ye can!" he assured her, "If ye can rip shields off-a walls and bury 'em in solid rock, ye can shove a bed a couple-a feet!" It was a bit MORE than a "couple" of feet, as they both knew, but Fiona shrugged and reached down, grasping the bottom of the bed, and heaved. She had never pressed her limits as an ogress. When in her inhuman state she usually spent the night curled up like a big green slug in her bed in Dragon's castle, praying for a rescuer to come and lift the curse from her, but praying even harder that he would not come at night. Now she lifted, straining muscles as she'd never done before. And, as she felt the bed rise a few inches, her heart beat strong in her chest -- not just with the strain, she realized, but with an unexpected sense of -- pride? That was silly, she rebuked herself, princesses weren't supposed to feel pride in such physical accomplishments. Feats of daring-do were to be performed by gallant knights on horseback -- MEN to whom such things came naturally. Princesses were to sit to the side, coquetishly admiring such displays and rewarding their performers with shy glances and light, restrained applause. Fiona shuddered as she remembered that she had once longed for such an existence. But she had figured that such a life would suddenly appeal to her like -- well, like magic -- once the spell was lifted. Well, now the spell was lifted, but she realized her likes and wants and desires were the same as before. Because she was an ogress? No -- no, she had the same feelings as a human. She just tried to suppress them. She looked over at Shrek. His eyes were fixed on the door as they slowly began to move the bed in that direction. In his face she saw the strain of the effort and the worry about getting them (or just getting HER?) out of this alive. But beyond that, she saw something else, something he might well deny. Joy. On some level, this was FUN. That emotion was even more apparent just a few minutes before, just after he had bested Gledius's soldiers and closed the door on them. And, as odd and out-of-place as it seemed, Fiona realized this was another area where he mirrored her. For the exhilaration she felt as she saw the soldiers scramble from her flung shield, like the feelings as she fought the merry men even when in her human form, briefly transcended whatever fear or terror she felt and made her feel more alive than any feeling other than -- well, other than being held in Shrek's arms and feeling his lips press on hers. As they continued to half-scoot, half-carry the bed toward the door, Fiona noticed other things in the room. Over here pairs of his-and-hers shoes sat out. Over there a couple of mannequins draped in royal nightgowns, one male and one female. And over by the fireplace stood a painting of two figures in semi-formal white attire standing hand-in-hand. One of the figures was Farquaad, his feet set upon a little mound so that he stood just taller than the other figure, a female. The way the candlelight glistened off the paint around the female figure's head indicated that that part of the painting had just been finished that day -- and the head that had been painted there was that of Fiona. As she stared in near horror at the painting Fiona brushed up against a little table that had been standing by the bed. She looked over at it and saw that upon the table sat a small bucket filled with half-melted ice and water, and sticking out of the slush was a bottle of champagne. Pink champagne, obviously meant to celebrate the wedding and prepare for ... what was to follow. Fiona felt a chill go up her spine much colder than the ice still floating in that bucket. "FIONA!" Shrek barked from across the bed. "Huh?" she said dully. "You've stopped hauling. Are ye okay?" "Yeah, fine," she responded, forcing her concentration back to the task at hand. "Let's go." Fiona again heaved, and lifted the bed a foot off the floor as Shrek did the same. A few stumbling steps later and the bed was pressed against the door, behind which they could hear chopping, but chopping that was having much less effect against this thicker, stronger wood than the door below. "I guess Farquaad liked his privacy, too" Shrek observed, "now let's see if we can find a way outta here." The two ogres turned and looked around the room again, this time their eyes straining for any possible exits. There was one other door, the window which led to another balcony, and the dumb- waiter, the last being too small for their large frames. Shrek rushed to the door while Fiona ran to the window. Shrek opened the door and looked inside. Then he signed in disappointment and said, "It's just a closet." Fiona looked down from the balcony railing at the ground even further down below. At least they were on the side of the castle opposite the one facing the square and illuminated by the rotating colored lights. Not that they could scale down the steep walls here -- it was simply impossible. Fiona then looked around to see where the balcony stood in relation to the rest of the castle. When she realized the answer, she gasped, "Oh my Gosh!" "What? What is it?" Shrek said anxiously as he approached her. She turned towards him, almost laughed despite herself, then said, "We're trapped in the highest room of the tallest tower!" Shrek stared at her for a moment, then gave a sardonic smile. "Well, that IS a tad ironic," he said. "Unfortunately the door's a wee bit blocked, so we can't crash outta here like we did back at Dragon's. But maybe ..." As Shrek trailed off his sentence he approached a bookcase sitting against a wall and started haphazardly tossing books off of it over his shoulders. Fiona stared at him in confusion. "What are you DOING?" she asked. "Sometimes in castles like this there's secret passages in castles that have levers that operate them in odd places," he replied. "Why on earth would you think that?" "I read it in a book once," he replied, abandoning the now empty bookcase and tapping on different areas of the wall. Fiona sighed and shook her head, then slowly walked to the center of the room where the bed had been and stared at the bottle of chilled champagne in its bucket on the table. She imagined herself and Farquaad, newly wed, coming here and toasting their future. She could just see his smug, self-satisfied face as he drank from his glass. She could almost feel his clammy little hand as he took hers and ... the chills that racked her at the thoughts that followed caused her to cross her arms and shiver. But the repulsion at her own imaginings was not all that she was feeling. There was something else, too. A feeling like ... Like she was being watched. She looked over to the door. The constant axe-pounding was getting slowing and progressively louder, but the door was still holding for now. Shrek was still fiddling around with objects on the wall, trying to find some elusive, hidden exit, and looking around the rest of the room she could see no one else. Then, for some reason she couldn't explain, she felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise, and she slowly looked up. Fiona gasped when she suddenly found herself staring at the face of another ogress, cross-armed and dressed just like her, staring back DOWN at her from directly above. Then she felt a moment of relief when she realized that she was just staring at a mirror that had been hung on the ceiling. But when her reflection suddenly swirled away in what looked to be a while cloud of mist, replaced a moment later by a face that resembled a pale, empty- eyed and expressionless theatrical mask that stared down at her from inside the mirror, she did more than gasp. She screamed. "FIONA! WHAT'S WRONG"?! Shrek called as he ran over to her, taking her arms in his huge hands. She just continued to stare, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, up at the ceiling. He followed her gaze and saw the mirror -- and its face. "HOLY SWAMP TOADS, WHAT THE BLAZES ARE YOU?" Shrek said to the pallid, now seemingly frightened face. "Oh, uh, good evening, Your Majesty, Mr. Zach," the mirror stammered at attempted good humor which did not quite hide its apparent fear. Fiona somehow overcame her own fear and shock for a moment at the odd salutation. "Zach?" she said, then looked at Shrek. "Zach?" she repeated to him. But Shrek did not look at her. He continued to stare up at the mirror, his brow furrowed and his mouth set in a disgruntled frown. "Yeah," he said, apparently replying to her, "that's me last name." "Zach?" Fiona said, surprised. "Yeah," Shrek said again, then addressing the mirror, "an' what I wanna know is, how do YOU know it?" "Zach?" Fiona repeated to herself, bemused despite the situation. "Well, uh, that's what I DO," the mirror replied to Shrek. "You see, um, people consult me to find out things like, oh, who the fairest of them all is, where one can find certain people or things, stuff like that. So I've gotta keep up on everything." "Well, where did ye find out me last name?" Shrek said, "It's not like it's common knowledge." "Oh, of course it isn't!" the mirror agreed. "Such things just come to me like magic. In fact 'Magic' is my first name! Literally! Perhaps -- uh -- I can tell you something that you'd like to know?" "Okay," Shrek said, "are there any secret passages that we can use to get outta here?" "Secret? No, I'm afraid not," the mirror replied, "what you see is pretty much what you get. But is there anything ELSE that you'd like to know?" "Yes," Fiona said, looking back up at the mirror. "I'VE got a question." "Certainly, Your Majesty!" the mirror said, then added cautiously, "but you aren't going to do that 'fairest of them all' question, are you? I'm afraid I have to tell the truth. I'm sorry, but it's my curse." "No," Fiona said, her own brow furrowing and voice grumbling, "I was just going to ask what the heck are you DOING up there?" "Oh, uh, Lord Farquaad ordered me to be mounted up here earlier in the day for -- well, uh, in preparation for tonight." "Huh?" Fiona said, confused again. Then she noticed once more that she was standing about where the middle of the bed was, and staring directly up at the mirror. "OH," she said in sudden realization that bordered on horror, then looked down in embarrassment and blushed. "Oh," she said again. Then, suddenly, she began to giggle. But it was not a happy giggle, and it started to grow louder. "Fiona?" Shrek said, looking at her with concern. But Fiona's giggling grew louder still until she found herself laughing uncontrollably. Shrek then grasped her arms and shook her back and forth violently for a moment, saying, "FIONA! SNAP OUT OF IT!" Fiona continued to laugh, but managed to choke out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Shrek, but -- mirrors on the ceiling -- pink champagne on ice -- now we're both just prisoners here --" "FIONA! PLEASE! WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR HEADS!" Shrek pleaded. Suddenly there was an especially loud crash at the door as an axe apparently broke through one of the outer boards. It was not an encouraging sound, but as both ogres swung their heads in that direction it did sober Fiona instantly, ending her laughing fit altogether. She then commented dryly, "That 'keeping our heads' thing may be easier said than done." Shrek looked up at the mirror. "Ye say you're magic. Is there any way ye can zap us outta here?" The mirror shook its head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Zach, but that's beyond my ability. Mine's a pretty passive power, really. People just stare at me idly while I show them things. It doesn't sound like much, but I hear it's the wave of the future." Then Fiona got an idea. She looked up at the mirror and asked, "You said you could show other people in other places?" "Yes." "Can we talk to them?" she inquired. "Why, yes!" the mirror replied brightly, "That IS within the realm of my -- " "Then show us the witch!" "Which witch?" "The witch that was here earlier this evening. The one with the gingerbread house." The mirror bowed its head slightly. "As you wish, Your Majesty," it said theatrically, then its image faded away and slowly a new scene appeared within the glass. Fiona and Shrek found themselves looking at the figure of the witch. She was still dressed as she was earlier, but in addition she had an apron across her front, a surgical mask covering her mouth, and pair of latex gloves on her hands. She was leaning over a small table, holding a tube of icing and apparently working on a small figure that laid on a cookie sheet on the table between a pair of candles. The figure was that of a gingerbread man, one who was obviously alive by the way he was squirming. They were in what appeared to be the kitchen of a cottage, although instead of wood the walls and shelves were made of gingerbread themselves, and upon the shelves, in addition to tins of flour and sugar, sat bowls and jars with odd labels containing things that Fiona would just as soon not think about. The witch's voice then faded in. She was speaking sharply to the Gingerbread Man. "Would you PLEASE hold still!" she said irascibly. "But that tickles!" the Gingerbread Man replied in a high, squeaky voice. "Do you want your leg back on or NOT?" "Yes, but --" "Then hold still, blast it!" "Yes, ma'am." The witch started on the Gingerbread Man's leg again, carefully working the icing tube. "Are you sure you can't do the other one tonight, too?" the little figure asked. "I TOLD you, I've got to wait for that special batch of CGI- enriched gingerbread flour to arrive," she grumbled, "I can't use dough from regular flour on you, you'd reject it in a minute." "CGI?" the Gingerbread Man asked. "Uh-huh. 'Cookies Granted Intelligence', or something like that. I can't keep up with the stupid technical jargon. Anyway, the shipment should be here in about a week." "A WEEK?" the Gingerbread Man shrieked, his voice rising even higher. "Yeah," the witch replied coolly, "what'd ya expect, air mail? You shouldn't have let that little puke Farquaad grind your other leg to the point it was unusable in the first place." "I could hardly stop him!" he objected. "Whatever," the witch said. "And so now, you wait. Sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles." "Excuse me!" Fiona called. "GAAH!" both the witch and Gingerbread Man gasped at the sudden, unseen voice which appeared out of nowhere. "Oh, Jeez!" the witch said irritably, then glancing around the ceiling, "Don't DO that! Edna, is that you? I TOLD you not to call me after --" "No," Fiona said, "it's me. Fiona." "'Fiona'?" the witch repeated, furrowing her brow, "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Look, if you're some kind of telemarketer - -" "No! It's QUEEN Fiona, of Duloc." "OH!" the witch said, "Queen Mouse-ears! The green girl!" Fiona fought back a flash of anger and, with gritted teeth, said, "Yes, that's right." "Look," the witch said, gesturing off to the side, "if this is about re-animating that bear rug, it's on my to-do list --" "No! This is more urgent! I need you to use your bewitching power to help ME!" The witch frowned. "Sorry," she said, nodding down to the Gingerbread Man, "I'm busy now. I'll be wit'cha in a minute." Then she chuckled to herself. "I always WANTED to say that!" Fiona fought back a moan and said, "Please! I'm speaking to you through a magic mirror. Shrek and I are trapped in the highest room of the tallest tower of Farquaad's castle. Captain Gledius has launched a coup and is about to break through the door!" "Don't ya just HATE when that happens?" the witch asked. "Can't you do something to help us?" "Like what?" "I don't know," Fiona said, her frustration starting to show, "YOU'RE the witch. Can't you mumble some incantation or something and get us out of here?" The witch shook her head, also frustrated. "Laymen," she muttered, "all they think we have to do is wave a stick or wiggle our noses or blather 'higgledy-piggledy-pooh' and POOF, magic happens. Sorry, Sister, but in real life it don't work that way. Oh, there are some show-offs that make it LOOK easy, but trust me, behind the scenes there's been a lot of prep time. These things have to be done DELICATELY. Speaking of which ..." The witch then leaned over and started carefully working on the Gingerbread Man's leg again with the icing tube. "But can't you do ANYTHING to help us?!" Fiona pleaded. "Lemme think about it. I'll get back to you." "PLEASE! We're at the end of our rope!" "Sorry," the witch said, "we're closed." Then the image of the witch and her cottage faded and Fiona again found herself looking back into the face of Magic Mirror. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty," the mirror said, looking partly sympathetic and partly fearful of the ogres' reaction. "Oh, GREAT!" Fiona spat, turning to Shrek, "NOW what do we --" Fiona trailed off as she saw the way Shrek was staring off at nothing in particular, his face that of a man having an epiphany. "Rope!" Shrek said, as if the word expressed a concept that answered all of life's riddles. "Huh?" Fiona said, not quite tuned to his wavelength. "Rope!" Shrek repeated, as if that were all the explanation needed, and ran over to the dumbwaiter. "We can't fit down THAT!" Fiona said, surprised that Shrek didn't already realize that. "We don't need to!" Shrek said, then reached in to where the rope of the dumbwaiter was attached to a pulley at the top of the shaft, and ripped it out. He then started to quickly reel in the rope of the dumbwaiter, hand-over-hand, explaining, "If this rope goes all the way down to the kitchen on the INSIDE, then we should be able to trail it out the window on the OUTSIDE to the ground below!" Fiona gaped at him for a moment, then exclaimed, "Shrek! You're BRILLIANT!" The ogre shrugged. "I have me moments," he said. Fiona smiled at him, but a particularly loud crack from the door caused her to swing her head in that direction and wiped her smile away. "HURRY!" she said, "They've gotten through another board!" "Goin' fast as I can," Shrek replied, then suddenly the dumbwaiter cart itself appeared in the opening. Shrek quickly ripped the rope off the top of it, letting the cart tumble back down the shaft, then picked up the pile of rope and ran to the balcony. He tied one end of it securely to the balcony railing as Fiona joined him, glancing anxiously between the door and Shrek. Once tied, he tossed the rest of the rope over the railing. It trailed down the tall structure, the far end of it finally coming to a stop only some six feet from the ground below. "Great!" Fiona said, "let's go!" "Waitaminute," Shrek said, picking up and examining a length of the rope. "What's wrong?" "Well, I'm not sure if this'll hold. It wasn't exactly built to support the weight of one ogre, let alone two." Fiona opened her mouth to respond, then suddenly there was an even louder crash at the door. She looked back to see that an axe head had actually broken through the structure, leaving a roughly foot-wide hole in its wake. She swung her head back to Shrek and said, "We've got to take that chance!" Shrek thought for a brief moment, then said, "Let's go down one- at-a-time to be safer. You first." "NO!" Fiona said, "There won't be time for that!" "Fiona -- " "NO! Either we go together, or I'm staying right HERE!" she declared, crossing her arms and cocking her head defiantly. Shrek sighed in defeat. "Okay. FINE," he said, then reached over, grabbed Fiona, swept her off her feet and slung her across his back. She shrieked with surprise as he grunted with the strain, the maneuver requiring considerable more effort than when he had done the same thing when she was in human form. "HEY!" she objected with wounded pride, "I'm quite capable of -- AAAAH!" Her objection was cut short as Shrek, Fiona secured over his shoulder, swung over the balcony and started sliding down the rope as quickly as he could. After a moment of reflection as they slid, Fiona gasped, "Oh my gosh! I just realized something!" "What's that?" Shrek said, most of his mind still fretting about the strength of the rope. "This is my rescue plan! Remember? Rescued from the highest room in the tallest tower of a castle by a knight who would sweep me off my feet, out the window and down a rope onto his valiant steed?" "Oh," he said, "yeah, that's kinda interestin'. But in case ye hadn't figured it out yet, I'm not exactly a knight." "Certainly you are! Okay, maybe not officially, but you're certainly my one-of-a-kind knight!" "That's sweet," Shrek chuckled despite himself. "But wasn't there somethin' in your little fantasy about the castle being beset by a dragon?" "It was -- earlier -- sort of. Okay, maybe it doesn't fit 'my little fantasy' EXACTLY, but how much of any of the last couple of days HAS?" "True," Shrek conceded, "now, if I only had me 'valiant steed' waitin' below --" Just then Donkey appeared from an alleyway, panting violently with a panicked look in his eyes, and ran to a spot directly under the rope and started looking around to see if anyone was following him, oblivious to the ogres now just some thirty feet above him. Shrek paused in his descent. He looked over his shoulder dumbfoundedly at Fiona, who stared back at him with the same expression. He then shook his head and said "Naaah" while Fiona giggled. The noise alerted Donkey, who looked around him and stammered, "WHOZZAT?! WHOZZAT?!" "Donkey!" Shrek called down, "It's me! We're up here!" "Huh?" Donkey said, then looked up to see the ogre couple. "Shrek!" he said with relief, smiled briefly, then a confused look came upon his face. "What're you doin' up there?" "I'm rappellin'," Shrek replied. "Oh, man," Donkey said, "Shrek, this is NO TIME to suddenly start worrin' about your B.O.! I've got a gang of soldiers after me!" "Yeah, us too," Shrek said, and started sliding down the rope again, "Gledius broke in and --" Shrek's words were cut short as the rope itself was suddenly cut by a sword on the balcony above. Fortunately the two ogres were within ten feet of the ground when it was severed. They fell in a heap onto Donkey. Fiona somehow found herself laying on top of Shrek, who had landed on his back. Donkey laid below him uttering pained, muffled oaths. Fiona looked down at Shrek's face and saw him grimacing. "Shrek!" she said anxiously, "What's wrong? What hurts?" Shrek pointed further down his body and half-mouthed, half-hissed the word, "OWWW." Fiona followed his gesture and saw that one of her knees was bend upward and had come to rest -- and was resting heavily -- against a particularly sensitive part of Shrek's anatomy. "OH!" she gasped, "Sorry!" She moved her knee and then looked back at him and blushed. "Uhhh... better?" she asked, embarrassed. "Much," he said, smiling up at her, amused by her expression. She broke into a smile also, despite herself, then shyly looked away as her blush deepened. Shrek sighed, "I guess we'd better hurry up and get goin' b'fore --" Suddenly they heard the clank of metal on cobblestone. Shrek and Fiona looked up to see that they were surrounded by a group of soldiers with cocked crossbows trained on them. Only one soldier did not carry the weapon, and that was Maximus. "Sorry to interrupt this tender moment -- so to speak," he said, "but you're both under arrest." The two ogres glared back at him with sneers of defiance, then the large bell in the church bell tower started sounding. The ogres looked up at it in surprise, but Maximus simply said, "Midnight. The witching hour. How appropriate." Donkey finally pushed his head out from under Shrek's body as the tolling continued. "Hey, what's that thing ringin' for?" he asked, then saw Maximus and cowered. "Ask not for whom the bell tolls," Maximus said, "it tolls for thee." "Yeah, yeah," Donkey said, "I get it. Don't ask, don't tell. But what's gonna happen to us now?" "Now," Maximus said, "you go to prison."