Small Surprises

by Gadfly

This is a Shrek fanfiction, set in the timeline of Shrek the Third during Fiona’s third trimester carrying the triplets.

Many thanks go to TrudiRose for her proofreading assistance and feedback during the creation of this tale. Please check out her own excellent stories at the fanfiction dot net site.

Copyright Notice

Characters, places and situations from the motion picture Shrek and its sequels belong to DreamWorks. They are used here with affection but, alas, without permission.

Once upon a time there sat a small medieval village near a large swamp. It was not just any swamp, but one filled with magical creatures of many varieties. The undisputed ruler of this particular swamp was a terrifying ogre named Shrek, who had, legend told, won fame and notoriety in a far distant kingdom until the very kingship itself lay within his grasp. But the ogre, spurning human companionship, chose instead to slink back into the boggy depths of his fetid abode along with his enchanted ogress bride, the one-time fair Princess Fiona, who it was said was with child.

For many months no one heard from the ogres. Then one day, the sound of wagon wheels could be heard emanating from the heart of the swamp. Then, from a dark passage leading from the swamp, not used in years and thought cursed by many, came forth a carriage unlike any other, one hewn by magic like as from a great onion. It rolled slowly through the village, the creaking of its wheels the only sound, as villagers paused in their daily routines to gape mutely at the specter, with most crossing themselves as it passed.

Eventually the carriage ground to a halt before one of the village’s newer buildings. There ensued a period of near total silence, broken only by the gentle whispering of the wind through the nearby trees and a distant baby cry. Then, suddenly, one door of the carriage burst open, prompting gasps from nearby onlookers, and out bounded the great ogre, Shrek, a great stout beast of green skin with inhuman earstalks set to the side of his huge, bald, almost neckless head. He was adorned in clothes stained and worn and wrapped partially about with a vest made of the skin of a slain alligator. The ogre glanced contemptuously at the villagers gathered around him, and then reached back toward the carriage to assist its other passenger’s exit. Yes, it was the Princess Fiona, once one of the comeliest maidens in all the land, now transformed into a green beast nearly as hideous as her brutish mate. Whereas her formerly shapely physique was once adorned by the finest garments, now it was draped by a gown of nondescript gray cloth whose only virtue was that it covered her bloated body, whose abdomen betrayed a protuberance even greater that one might normally associate with the later months of child-carrying. But then, who was to say what was ‘normal’ for an ogre?

Some villagers would quietly speculate about how appropriate it was that these creatures visit this particular building, for it itself stood as a mystery, dedicated as it was solely to the care and well-being of the village’s fairer sex, particularly those who were also with child. Some suspected sorcery, some witchcraft. But not even the priests had been able to prove anything unnatural about the building, which the proprietor had christened a ‘medical clinic’…

Shrek and Fiona stood before the door of the medical clinic. Fiona looked up and read aloud the sign posted above it. “‘Dr. Galen Doppler. O.B./G.Y.N.’”

Shrek looked over at his wife. “Hey, come on, Fiona,” he said, smiling broadly. “The kid’s not here yet. Ya don’t have to spell it.”

Fiona allowed herself a faint smile and rolled her eyes at his droll attempt at humor. But Shrek could see there was still concern in her face. He knew she’d been trying to hide it, not wanting to worry him any more than he already worried, but her trepidation had become obvious even to him as of late.

Shrek sighed and his smile faded briefly. Then a smaller, more intimate one took its place as he leaned over to her. “Don’t worry,” he said softly as he gently laid his hand on her huge tummy. “I’m sure everything’ll be fine.”

She laid her hand atop his, looked up into his eyes and smiled. “I’m sure it will be,” she said, her tone echoing his.

Suddenly Shrek felt a sharp kick against his hand. Both ogres looked down at where their hands lay. “Well!” Shrek said. “Looks like he’s anxious for us t’get started!”

“Or she,” Fiona said. One corner of her mouth curved into a mischievous grin as she added, “With kicks like that, it probably is a she.”

Both ogres laughed at that, and it made Shrek’s heart feel good to see his True Love in an honestly light humor. Trying to take advantage of the moment, he said, “Well, let’s get going! I’ll get the door for ya.” Shrek headed toward the clinic door while still looking back and smiling at her. She smiled back until he pushed the door open door and starting heading inside. Suddenly her smile vanished, her eyes grew large, she reached toward him and looked about to say something when Shrek felt the back of his head smack against the top of doorframe.

“D’OWWW!” he sputtered, pained, his eyes squeezing shut while one hand shot to the back of his head to rub the quickly growing bump there.

“Darling, are you all right?” Fiona asked, her face scrunched in sympathy and arms held toward him, frozen in an abortive attempt to check his advance.

“Yeah…fine…,” he moaned, re-opening his eyes and trying to ignore the tiny stars swimming before them. He saw her distress, forced a chuckle, and said, “I guess if ya gotta hurt yourself, doing it heading inside a doctor’s office’s the way t’do it. C’mon.”

Shrek stooped and carefully stepped completely through the doorway before rising again to his full height, which turned out to be just shy of the ceiling’s. As he did so he heard the familiar gasps and smelled the familiar stench of terrified humans. He glanced briefly around the waiting room. There were several cheaply constructed and uncomfortable looking chairs and small couches strewn about, and beside them chipped and worn end tables and small coffee tables held piles of magazines, mostly titles dedicated to intimate feminine issues. There were some half-dozen women sitting about the room on some of the chairs or couches, all in various stages of pregnancy, all with magazines in their hands, and all staring at him with open-mouthed horror.

Shrek smiled at them with what he hoped look like reassurance. “It’s all right!” he said, trying to sound jovial. “Don’t worry! I’m not here to eat anyone!” He paused for a moment, then added, “Well, not right now, anyway. We’re stuffed; we just had a couple of friends for dinner! Heh-heh! Get it? Friends for…” Shrek saw his attempt at humor had failed miserably. “No, honestly,” he said. “I just brought my wife here t’see the doctor.” He gestured toward the doorway, which he kept open by propping his foot against the door, but Fiona had not appeared yet. He looked back out and saw her, a few feet away, dubiously contemplating the doorframe.

“Don’t worry, Fi,” he said. “It’s high enough for you.”

“It’s not the height I’m worried about,” she explained. “It’s the width.”

“Wha…” he began, but then realized what she meant. The doorframe was constructed for human dimensions, without heed for either the height of a male ogre, or the girth of an eight-month pregnant – very pregnant – ogress. “Oh!” he said. “Well…give it a try, and I’ll see if maybe I can help…”

Fiona sighed and waddled forward. Shrek met at the threshold. She let all the air out of her lungs and tried not to breathe back in as they struggled to get her through. “Here,” Shrek grunted, then “…no, over…now turn…no-no, not that way…here, take my hand…okay, pull…there!” Finally Fiona popped through to the other side of the doorway and took in a great lungful of air.

“Oh, my goodness!” she gasped, trying to catch her breath. Then she noticed the other women, still open-mouthed, staring at them. Blushing, Fiona said meekly, “How embarrassing.”

“Hey!” Shrek called, breaking her discomfiture by drawing everyone’s attention to himself. He made a gesture that took in the room’s interior and said, “Better in than out, I always say!”

The two ogres laughed together for a few moments, then turned toward the women and laughed again, trying to invite them to share the mirth. But the women just continued staring open-mouthed at them. After a few seconds the ogres’ laughter trailed away into a resigned sigh.

“May I help you?” A deep, female, no-nonsense voice sounded from across the room.

The ogres looked to see a small window cut from the far wall, behind which sat a stout, middle-aged woman wearing a nurse’s cap and a pair of thick-framed horn-rimmed glasses. Beside the window was another door, this one presumably to the doctor’s office and examination rooms. The door was about the same width as the one they’d just navigated. The two ogres once again sighed resignedly.

“I said, may I help you?” The nurse both sounded and looked impatient. If she felt any of the fear exhibited by the other women in the room, she hid it well.

“Oh, aye, most definitely,” Shrek said, then took Fiona’s hand and led her to the window, trying to slow his own pace to match her waddle. As they approached, Shrek could see that the woman was actually sitting behind a short desk on the other side of the window. Upon the desk sat a scroll which had the day’s date written atop it along with the word ‘Appointments’. Beneath that heading was a long list of names. Only the first few were checked off. Shrek swallowed, laughed uneasily, and said, “We need t’see the doctor.”

“Do you have an appointment?” she asked.

“Well, ah, no, but—”

“Sorry. Nobody sees the doctor without an appointment.”

“I told you so,” Fiona sing-songed just under her breath as she let her gaze drift off toward a corner of the ceiling away from her husband. Shrek shot a brief irritated glance to the back of her head before turning back to the nurse.

“Look,” Shrek began. He leaned forward, ignoring the scent of the nurse’s lavender perfume – something that he supposed humans might find pleasant but which stung his own ogrid nostrils – and noticed a nameplate on the desk. “Nurse…Nelga. We really need t’see the doctor. And, well, we were hoping that maybe we could do a…you know, a walk-in visit.”

“Does this look like a walk-in clinic to you?”

“Well, ya do have a doorway,” Shrek said, trying to sound convivial as he gestured to the doorway they had entered through. “Doesn’t that imply that ya want people to walk in? Heh-heh-heh…heh?”

Nelga’s stare remained dour and immutable.

“Oh, c’mon, look,” Shrek said, his patience wearing thin. “I tried t’make an appointment, aw’right? You were referred to us by our mid-significant-other, and we contacted ya by pigeon-post, but by the time you could schedule us the baby would be practically ready for his trouncing lessons. We need t’see the doctor now.”

“Is this an emergency?”

“Well…no…but—”

“Then perhaps I can make an appointment for you in the future. Let me see what is available.” She looked down at her scroll of appointments, but it was obviously full. Then she flipped to a scroll beneath that for the next day. It also looked full. Then she flipped to the next. Then the next. As she continued flipping, Shrek and Fiona shared a disquieted glance. “All right,” Nelga finally said, taking up a quill and inking it. “Name?”

“I’m Shrek. And this is Fiona.” Shrek’s demeanor and ears rose as he got an idea. “That’s Princess Fiona. Of the kingdom of Far Far Away. Perhaps you’ve heard of her?”

“Lots of princesses over there,” Nelga mumbled, unimpressed.

“But Fiona was the late King Herald’s daughter. And, incidentally, we’re still very close with the new king there. Practically brothers, Arty and us.”

“I can book you in six weeks,” Nelga said, still looking down at her appointment scroll.

“But she’s eight months pregnant!”

Nelga looked up. “Perhaps you could see a doctor in Far Far Away. It sounds as if you might make a better impression there.”

“But that’s so…far far away!” Shrek said, becoming exasperated. “I’m not gonna take her on a long bumpy carriage ride over hundreds of miles in her condition!”

“We could still have Dragon fly us,” Fiona offered.

“No!” Shrek said, turning to her. “Who knows what affect all that turbulence and…airborne stuff would have on you and the kid? Besides, ya might slip off.”

“Slip off?” Fiona snickered.

“Well…yeah,” Shrek said, almost chortling himself, and then gestured at her stomach. “I mean…look at’cha! You’re as big as our shack, your coordination’s shot, ya wobble about like a dreidel in the last dregs of its spin…”

Fiona crossed her arms and stared at Shrek as he spoke, her expression hardening, her lips pursing, her face turning a darker hue of green. Shrek decided he had best cease his explanation when he swore he could see shimmers of head radiating from atop her head.

“Anyway, I’m not chancing it,” he concluded forcefully, his own ire rising as he spun back toward Nelga and pointed at the door beside her. “Especially when we have a doctor right on the other side of that door!”

Nelga looked up at him, still unimpressed.

“Oh, c’mon!” Shrek pleaded. “He’s the only…you know, pregnant-woman-problems-type doctor…for miles! Do ya know how rare medieval OB/GYNs are?”

“Sorry,” Nelga said, although she didn’t particularly sound it.

“This is absurd!” Shrek nearly bellowed. “I demand t’speak with this mysterious Doctor Doppler directly, right now!”

“Not without my pre-approval,” Nelga said. “I’m the gatekeeper.”

“Oh, yeah?” Shrek said, looking her up and down. “Well, I don’t envy the keymaster!”

Nelga stared daggers at him for several seconds. Eventually, through clenched teeth, she said, “I can make an appointment for you for six weeks from now, and perhaps move you up if something opens up.”

“Opens up?” Shrek asked.

“If we have a cancellation.”

“A cancellation,” Shrek echoed. An idea struck him. One corner of his mouth curved up slyly as he slowly turned and looked at the women in the room. They were all still silently staring at him, all still open-mouthed. “Now, what might cause a cancellation?” he wondered aloud. Then he twisted his face up as if in anger and took a long, deep breath which seemed to suck half the air from the room as he raised his arms and curled his fingers. The women staring at him sucked in their own breaths and their eyes grew wider. Shrek was just about to release one of his terrifying ogre roars…when suddenly he felt Fiona’s hand clamp on his mouth.

“Now, Shrek, don’t do that!” She chided him. He looked over at her, his eyes imploring, but she just looked back at him reproachfully. “Drop those arms, now. Drop them!”

Shrek reluctantly dropped his arms as she’d insisted.

“And now the breath,” she commanded.

Shrek deflated as he released the pent-up air through his wide nostrils, and his facial features softened from terrifying to contrite.

“That’s better,” Fiona said, and removed her hand from his mouth.

“But Fiona…”

Fiona had turned to the other women. “I’m so sorry, ladies,” she said sweetly. “Please forgive my husband. He can get carried away sometimes. But believe me, his bark is worse than his bite.”

“Fiona…”

Fiona twirled back to face him. “Shrek, I’m surprised at you! Don’t you know how dangerous it could be, injecting such a fright into these poor women in their condition?”

Shrek sighed. His eyes dropped and his earstalks drooped. “You’re right, sweetheart,” he admitted. Then he looked up at the other women. “Look, I’m sorry, aw’right?” he said, offering a small, repentant smile.

“That’s better,” Fiona said. “These women deserve more respect, considering what they’re already chancing if they stay here much longer.”

“What they’re…huh?” Shrek was suddenly confused.

“You know, that old wives’ tale,” Fiona said, her tone and expression remaining earnest. “About how prolonged exposure to ogres by women who are pregnant will cause their children to be born with green skin?”

“Oh…right!” Shrek said, trying to force seriousness into his own tone. He looked at his wife, and although her face remained deadpan, he could swear he saw a clandestine twinkle in one of her eyes. “I think I have heard that one,” he said, sparing a quick glance toward the women, all of whom were uncomfortably starting to look around at each other and shift in their seats. “Are ya sure it’s just an old wives’ tale?”

“Pretty sure,” she said, “but who really knows how these stories get started, or how much truth there is in them? Besides that, though, they’ll also be putting up with the smell.”

“The smell?”

“Oh, come on, Shrek, you know how we smell to humans. And since we’ll be staying in this small, confined room until an appointment frees up, you can imagine what the odor will be like to them before too long—”

The sound of a door slamming filled the clinic. The two ogres looked to see that the room was now void of patients. Then the two looked back at each other. “Oh, dear!” Fiona feigned surprise. “Was it something I said?”

The two burst into laughter that lasted several seconds. But then the laughter faded as they seemed to become aware of the glare burning through them both. They turned to face Nelga. From the nurse’s expression, Shrek felt certain there must have an ogre branch somewhere in her own family tree.

“Oh, c’mon,” Shrek said. “We were just kidding—”

“Shrek, please,” Fiona said, waving him off. Then she turned back to Nelga. “Look, Nurse Nelga, I’m really sorry. Normally I wouldn’t do something like that. But there’s certain…peculiarities about my pregnancy that have come up, and we need answers. And, frankly, the life within me really does take precedence over everything else right now. It shouldn’t take long. I promise.”

Nelga seemed to consider the ogress for several moments, released what sounded like a low, deep-throated growl of her own, and then said, “All right. I’ll go speak to the doctor. You two wait here…and fill out this form.” She then handed Fiona a scroll and quill, then disappeared into a back office.

“Well, sweetheart, it looks like ya did it!” Shrek said, beaming at her.

“We did,” she said with some relief, and the two lightly punched each others’ right fists. “Now we just need to fill out this one form—”

Fiona held the top of the scroll while releasing the bottom to let it unwind. Much to the ogres’ consternation, it unwound all the way to the floor, then rolled across it and bounced to a halt against the far wall. The ogres looked at each other and sighed.

Fiona sat alone in a small examining room upon a cold, uncomfortable, parchment-topped metal bed which creaked disquietingly whenever she shifted. Nelga had led her in here several minutes before, telling her the doctor would be right in himself. The minutes had stretched out interminably, leaving Fiona to nervously glance around at her surroundings, from the medical instruments hung on one wall that reminded her of devices she had read about in torture chambers to another wall on which was tacked a college degree certifying Doppler’s doctorate from the Seville School of Barbers. Fiona now wished she had let Shrek stay with her, instead of feigning modesty and insisting that he remain in the waiting room. But if what was going on was what she thought it was…well, she’d much rather he’d hear it from her than from a strange doctor.

Suddenly the door swung open, startling Fiona despite the excruciating period of expectation, and the doctor bounced in. He stood some five and a half feet tall. He wore a large smock over a stout frame, his hair was tucked beneath a surgeon’s cap, and a mask covered the bottom half of his face. He looked at her through round wire-rimmed spectacles and said in an odd but strangely familiar voice, “Princess Fiona, I am told?”

“Yes,” Fiona said, “although I mostly go just by ‘Fiona’ now.”

“In any event, greetings, Your Highness,” he said, approaching her. “Now, what seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” Fiona began, “I’m getting big. I mean, even for an ogre pregnancy, I’m told that I’m inordinately large. And the baby’s movement – I’m glad there’s movement, of course, but it feels like there’s a wrestling match going on inside, and—” Suddenly, as Doppler drew nearer, Fiona caught a whiff of…lavender? Fiona squinted as she looked at Doppler more closely…and then realization dawned on her. “Nelga?”

“Nelga? Why…Princess…I don’t…oh, rats!” Nelga pulled down the surgical mask to reveal her face. “Okay, where did I mess up?” she asked petulantly, speaking in her own voice again.

“The perfume…” Fiona began, her face still frozen in surprise.

“Oh, of course!” Nelga said, and pounded her forehead with the heel of her hand. “I thought I washed off well enough, but I forgot about you ogres’ enhanced olfactory senses. I knew I’d make some stupid mistake if I agreed to see a non-human species. That’s why I resisted taking you as a patient. Blast!”

“But…why the disguise?”

“Why?” Nelga almost laughed. “I don’t know how sheltered a life you’ve led, Fiona, but out in the real world in this day and age it’s simply not possible for a woman to be taken seriously as a doctor.”

“So…your human patients, the women, they all think…”

Nelga did chuckle this time. “For most of them, after the first couple of visits, after we get to know each other, I get around to revealing myself. It’s like a club. They all know what we’re up against, as well.” She sighed as she looked at the ogress. “But I don’t know you, Fiona. So, tell me, now that you know, do you plan to out me?”

“Me?” Fiona said, and chuckled herself. “Believe me, Nelga, your secret’s safe with me. My family has a long history of keeping secrets. But, frankly, you should consider outing yourself. Once upon a time, I was in a situation not entirely unlike your own. And things have worked out happily for me. You shouldn’t underestimate people. They can surprise you.”

“Yeah, right,” Nelga said, her tone skeptical. “Maybe you can tell me your little bedtime story some other time. Right now, let’s move the focus back where it belongs, on you. Now, Fiona, you seem like an intelligent…female. The symptoms you described to me: what do they suggest to you?”

Fiona blushed. “I know what they suggest,” she conceded. “But – well, with my background, I can’t take anything for granted. I wouldn’t be particularly surprised if I gave birth to anything from a tadpole on up.”

Nelga cocked one eyebrow and looked at Fiona’s tummy. “Well, it’s no tadpole,” she said. “I infer from your comment that you’ve been exposed to magic?”

Fiona guffawed. “Like you wouldn’t believe!”

“Since when?”

“Since I was born. Before that, actually, through my father and his dealings with a fairy godmother.”

“Hmmm…” Nelga hummed noncommittally. Yes, Fiona thought, she certainly sounded like a doctor. “All right,” Nelga said, “let’s have a look.”

The examination took a while. Fiona found herself glad that the doctor was a female after all; had he been male, his touching of certain areas might have prompted Fiona to flatten the poor man against one of the walls before she could check her reflexes. Eventually Nelga stood back, rubbed her chin thoughtfully, and again said, “Hmmm.”

“Could you be just a little more specific?” Fiona asked, slightly flustered.

Nelga seemed to consider Fiona for a moment, then smiled and said, “Tell you what, let’s put those superior ogre ears of yours to work.” She then reached in a drawer and withdrew an odd looking device. It had two hollow metal tubes about a half-inch in diameter and about a foot long. Each tube was curved toward one end so that put together they made a heart-like shape. The base of both tubes joined into a single black rubber hose; this also ran for about a foot, and terminated in a metal cone.

Fiona squirmed slightly as Nelga approached her with the device. “What’s that for?” the ogress asked with some trepidation.

“I want to see if you can detect your baby’s heartbeat. Here.” Nelga carefully slid a tip of each of the metal tubes just inside the openings of each of Fiona’s earstalks. Nelga then took the cone and held it against Fiona’s belly. “Hear anything?” Nelga asked.

Fiona listened. She heard it, a rapid pitter-pattering. The earstalks which held the tubes perked upwards and she said, “Yes! That’s the baby’s heartbeat?”

“That’s right,” Nelga said, smiling. “Now, keep listening.”

Nelga slowly slid the cone across Fiona’s belly. The pitter-pattering began to fade, only to be joined a moment later by another pitter-pattering. As Nelga continued sliding the code, the second pitter-pattering grew louder while the first continued fading. The conclusion was obvious, but Fiona blurted it anyway. “Twins! There actually are two!”

Nelga nodded. “At least.”

“At least?”

Nelga nodded again, and again said, “Keep listening.”

The doctor slid the cone down and to a slightly different angle. Fiona heard the second heartbeat fading, the original one grew slightly louder for a moment, and then – Fiona squinted, wrapped her earstalks around the tubes and pulled them in tighter so she could hear better, and then – yes, she heard it. A third heartbeat! Fiona’s eyes bulged. “Triplets!”

“That would seem to be the deduction,” Nelga said. “Congratulations…I hope?”

“Well, yes, but…” then a scary thought occurred to the ogress. “There couldn’t be…more, could they?” Fiona suddenly got a mental image of herself being beset by a rambunctious brood of baby ogres the way she had so often seen her friend Donkey being overwhelmed by his enthusiastic litter of donkey/dragon hybrids.

“Well, let’s find out,” Nelga said, and continued sliding the cone across the front, sides, and back of Fiona’s abdomen. No additional babies’ heartbeats were detected. For a short time they thought that they had detected another baby, but then realized that Fiona was just hearing the echo of her own heartbeat, which had itself grown louder and more rapid.

Eventually Nelga gently pulled the tubes from Fiona’s ears and said, “Well, it appears that three’s your limit, unless there’s a shy little tike hiding in there somewhere. But between my equipment and your ears, it seems we have a pretty good idea of what we’re facing.”

Fiona laid her hand atop her tummy and looked down at it in wonder.

“We’re done here,” Nelga said, “but I’d appreciate it if you could give me a few minutes so I can make my re-appearance as the nurse before you come back to the front yourself; it’s less suspicious that way.”

“Yes, of course,” Fiona said, still staring down at her tummy. “That…will give me some time…to think of how to tell Shrek.”

“Yeah,” Nelga chuckled as she left the room. “Good luck with that.”

Shrek paced anxiously back and forth in the waiting room. He glanced over at the door to the examination rooms, but it remained obstinately shut. His glance then drifted to the nurse, who had shown back up five minutes – was it only five minutes? – before, and all she would tell him was that Fiona was still in the examination room. What was taking that blasted doctor so long? Surprisingly, he found himself wishing that he had someone to talk to. “I can’t believe I actually wish that Donkey was here,” he mumbled to himself.

“Why?” Nelga said offhandedly. “Isn’t one jackass in this office enough?”

Shrek glowered at her, but she just continued looking down at what he assumed to be some sort of paperwork. He grumbled something under his breath and picked up one of the magazines; it boasted an article that caught his eye, entitled When Husbands Act Like Ogres. Then he noticed the issue date. “Oh, c’mon!” he said to Nelga. “Don’t ya have anything recent? This was published two Crusades ago!”

Nelga looked up, unmoved. “Sorry,” she said unconvincingly, “that’s the best we’ve got. There is a newsstand on the other side of town, though. You’re quite welcome to go there and browse. Take your time, don’t hurry back.”

Shrek smirked at her. She shrugged and looked back down at her work.

Then the door beside her opened. Fiona stood there. Shrek felt his heart lighten, for his bride was smiling broadly. In fact, she almost seemed to be glowing.

“Fiona!” Shrek called.

“Oh, Shrek!” she said, her gaze locking with his. She stepped forward…and immediately became stuck in the doorframe. “Oh, for the love of Pete!” she wailed.

Shrek rushed to her. He took her arms and pulled while she tried to push her way through. Finally, after strenuous effort and grunts and groans from both parties, Fiona popped through the doorway and into Shrek’s arms.

“Are ya alright?” he asked, steadying her.

“Yes, I’m fine,” she replied, catching her breath. Then she looked up into his face, smiled, and said, “Absolutely fine. But…” her expression grew somewhat cloudy and concerned. “There’s something that I need to tell you.”

Shrek felt his heart skip a beat. “Is the baby…”

“Oh, no, the…baby’s fine!” Fiona assured him. “But…there’s something else I need to tell you. Um…maybe we should sit down.”

“Of course, sweetheart,” he said, and led her to one of the couches. They sat down, side-by-side, the couch’s wooden frame warping and creaking in protest.

“So tell me, Fiona, darling, what is it?” Shrek asked as he gently took Fiona’s hands in his.

“Well…um…Shrek…” Fiona began, her eyes shifting nervously, “you, uh, you know all this weight I’ve been gaining…”

A flood of relief washed over Shrek. “Oh, is that all!” he said, and then chuckled. “Don’t you worry about that one little bit, sweetheart! I told ya ogre babies are especially big.”

“Yes, I know,” Fiona acknowledged, seeming a bit frustrated, “but—”

“And so what if you’re a bit bigger than most ogresses are at this stage in their pregnancy? So you’ve gained a few pounds on your own. I told ya we ogres are built a bit heftier than humans, anyway.”

“I understand, but—”

“Besides, you’ve always been a bit on the plump side – as an ogress, of course – but you’ve always been so cute that way!”

Fiona had stopped stammering and shifting. She was staring into Shrek’s eyes evenly now. “Shrek…” she began, a bit more of an edge to her tone.

“So pudgy and cuddly…”

“Shrek—”

“And so you’ll come out of the pregnancy a little fatter. So what? It’s no big deal! In fact, it’s pretty inevitable, anyway. It’s just the way we’re made.” Shrek’s eyes glazed as he now began to reminisce, which unfortunately caused him to become oblivious to his wife’s darkening visage. “I remember me mom told me that after they settled down and started raising me, she must’ve packed on a whopping—”

“SHREK!” Fiona barked as one of her hands again shot up to cover his mouth. He looked with surprise into her suddenly hard eyes and stern countenance. “I am not concerned about getting fat,” Fiona said, forcefully annunciating each word.

Shrek’s attention was fully back on his wife now. He stared at her in surprise. He tried asking a question, which was unfortunately inaudible as she retained her hand on his mouth.

Fiona’s features softened. She smiled a meek, self-conscious smile as she blushed and slid her hand away. “I’m sorry, darling. What was it you said?”

“I was asking if it’s not the weight, what’s troubling you, sweetheart?” Concern once more emanated from his face.

“Well, um,” Fiona began, glancing off to the side and fidgeting her fingers against his as she seemed to be trying to figure out how to say what she needed to say. Then her face brightened and she looked back at her husband. “You know that adorable little crib you cobbled together?”

“Oh, aye,” he said, curious about the tact she was taking.

“Well…I’m afraid you’re going to have to make it a bit wider,” she said, offering a hopeful smile followed by a short, tentative laugh.

“Wider?” he said, confused. “But it’s plenty wide, even for an ogre baby.”

“Oh, it would be. If it…were just one baby.” Fiona paused and watched her husband expectantly, as if waiting for her implication to sink in.

At first Shrek looked even more confused. But over the course of several seconds confusion yielded to realization. “Twins!” he gasped, is eyes growing wide. “We’re gonna have twins?”

“Yes…well…actually, darling, we…Shrek? Shrek? Darling, you don’t look so good. You’re…you’re turning green…er. Are you all right?”

“Oh, aye,” Shrek said, even as his eyes began to glaze over. “Aye. Aye, aye aye, aye aye…”

“Shrek!” Fiona leaned close to her husband’s face as her voice took on the tone of command. “Darling, stay with me! Breathe, now. Deep breaths. In…out…in…”

“No, no, I’m…I’m all right, now, dear,” Shrek said, having pulled himself together…somewhat. He reached over and stroked Fiona’s face. “Twins,” he said again, staring off into space briefly as the concept struggled to set it. “Wow.” He looked back at Fiona, his sweet, adorable True Love, her face a mask of hope and fear again, her mouth curved in a tentative, questioning smile. Shrek smiled broadly back at her, and his demeanor took on an air of certainty as he said, “I think that’s great. Now there’ll be that much more love t’go around!”

Fiona’s face brightened. “Really?” she asked.

“Really, really,” he assured her.

“Shrek, I love you!” Fiona said, throwing herself into his arms.

“I love you, too,” he said as they shared a long hug, which turned into an even longer kiss.

When the embrace finally broke, Fiona snuggled against his chest as he gently stroked her hair. After several seconds, she said, “Um, darling, there is … one more little thing I need to tell you about.”

“Of course, dear, go right ahead,” Shrek said, contemplating their new situation and relieved that the real shock was over. “And don’t you worry any more about that extra little swamp demon,” he joked, rubbing her tummy. “The more the merrier, I always say!”

“Oh, Sweetheart!” Fiona gushed. “I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear you say that…”

Some time later, the exterior door to the clinic opened again, and, after a little effort, Fiona worked her way out. A moment later, Shrek followed, a somewhat dazed expression on his face. He nearly bumped his head again, ducking under the doorway at the last moment, and then swaying a bit on his feet.

“Shrek, are you all right?” Fiona asked, taking his arm to steady him.

“Oh, absolutely! Couldn’t be better!” he responded, and beamed a broad and sincere if somewhat dizzy smile.

“The carriage is right over this way,” she said, leading him in the proper direction, her waddle supporting his stagger. From up on the driver’s seat of the carriage the driver – a dwarf wearing miners’ clothing and, incongruously, a baby bonnet – looked down at them questioningly. Fiona just shook her head and said, “Don’t ask.”

Fiona helped Shrek into the carriage, and then took her time in carefully following him. By the time she had situated herself and pulled the door shut behind her, Shrek’s gaze had become a bit more focused.

“Are you all right, now? Really?” She asked.

He looked at her, smiled, gently took her hand, and said, “Yes, sweetheart, I’m perfectly fine. With everything.”

She smiled back up at him. “I really do love you, Shrek.”

“Me too. You.”

They kissed again, and then Fiona hugged Shrek’s arm and leaned against him as the carriage started to move. Then she giggled.

“What?” he asked.

“It’s just a good thing Nurse Nelga had those smelling salts,” she said, and then covered her mouth to hold back a bout of tittering.

At first Shrek frowned irritably, but then a smirk worked its way across his lips. “Yeah, well, that’s about the only thing she was good for.”

“Now, Shrek,” Fiona said, her voice oddly both playful and chiding, “you didn’t really spend that much time with her. What was that thing about not judging people before you get to know them?”

“Yeah, well, maybe…but some people are just plain shallow.”

“Don’t be so rash,” Fiona said, amused at her husband’s adorably obstinate irascibility. “People can surprise you.”

“Well, again, maybe,” Shrek said, “but for me, I don’t know if I can take any more surprises today.”

“Fair enough,” Fiona chuckled. “But what of tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” he said, and then his smile widened and also grew playful. “Tomorrow starts a whole new set of surprises. So what else is new in our life?”

Fiona laughed again, a laugh that slowly faded into a contented sigh. “And when the triplets come…”

“And when the triplets come,” Shrek said, “and I’m blessed with three more people in my life as wonderful as you, then that’ll be the grandest surprise of all.”

Fiona felt a tear start to well in one eye. She snuggled more tightly against Shrek’s arm, clandestinely wiping the tear off as she did so. Then she sighed again as she rested against him. He leaned against her as well, and laid one hand gently atop her tummy. Fiona felt herself drifting off into blissful sleep as the carriage transported them home.

- The End -