Layer 13: Snow Job in the Marshland


A crocodile slid silently in the water near the bank of a lagoon, 
only its eyes, nostrils, and the very top of its ridged back visible 
in the dark water as it slowly cast about the reeds for a meal.  
Then it detected a disturbance along the lush wall of greenery of 
the swamp that surrounded and fed the lagoon.  Suddenly three male 
ogres appeared at the opening of one of the paths that led into the 
bog.  The first one was a particularly large and surly looking 
brute, strong but stocky and balding.  He sported well-worn trousers 
and shirt with a vest made of bearskin.  The beast strode 
purposefully toward the water across the fifteen-some-odd yards of 
clearing that separated the edge of the swamp from the lagoon.  

The other two ogres followed him.  One was not quite as tall as the 
first ogre but he was thinner, with a full head of black hair that 
sat on his head as if a black mop-top had been laid there, with 
bangs that almost covered his eyes.  His ears and nose were 
noticeably larger that most ogres'.   His clothes were, like the 
first ogre, similar in style and degree of wear, with a vest made of 
lizard skin.  The last ogre was even taller and muscular than the 
first, but his face seemed more placid and his demeanor not as 
alert.  His head was topped by a large mane of curly brown hair, and 
his vest was made of sheepskin.

The first ogre reached the edge of the lagoon.  He knelt and looked 
into the water for a few seconds, then reached down, cupped some 
water between his two hands, and then splashed his face.  As the 
ogre wiped his face the hunter crocodile smiled, then slowly and 
silently swam through the reeds toward the beast.  The ogre appeared 
unconcerned.  After a few seconds, the croc was within a few feet of 
the unwary male.  With a huge splash the crocodile lunged out of the 
water at the kneeling ogre.

"BOO!" the crocodile shouted.

"CRIKEY!" the ogre bellowed while simultaneously releasing a great 
gust of gas in an inadvertent but impressive display of flatulence 
cut short only because he then fell backwards onto his hindquarters.

The crocodile and the other two ogres laughed heartily down at the 
fallen ogre, who in turn stared up at the crocodile with and 
expression which made it obvious he didn't appreciate the humor at 
all.  "Very funny, Dinkum," the ogre growled, his voice marked by an 
obvious Ozzie accent.

Dinkum fought down his laughter.  "I thought so, Skungy!" the croc 
said, his voice reflecting the same type of accent, only thicker.  
Dinkum then nodded to the slimmer ogre and then the taller ogre in 
turn and said, "Drongo ... Wanker ... g'day, mates!"

"G'day, Dinkum," the two standing ogres replied as their own 
laughter trailed off.

"Is it?" Skungy, still blushing in anger and embarrassment, said as 
he got to his feet.  "It'd be a lot better if I didn't have to come 
to attend another bleeding wedding.  So who's getting hitched this 
time?"

"Not sure," Dinkum replied.  "They're a couple from outside the bog.  
All I know is the wedding committee told me to expect them this 
afternoon sometime, so I imagine they should be here any moment."  
Then the croc's voice lowered clandestinely and he added, "I hear 
they're in a bit of a rush to get married."

"Bit of a rush, eh?" Drongo repeated.  "I wonder why that is ... 
wink wink nudge nudge know whatahmean, say no more?" he added 
suggestively, winking at and nudging Wanker in the ribs.

"Oh, come, Drongo," Wanker said.  "Don't you have any sense of 
romance?"

"Yeah, right.  Romance!" Skungy scoffed.

"You have something against romance, Skungy?" a female voice asked.

The three ogres' heads all jerked to the side.  At a far end of the 
clearing, on one of a number of felled logs, sat an ogress.  She was 
about normal height for a female, but somewhat portlier.  She had 
scraggly dull brunette hair and wore a modest moss-green dress.

"Lolly!" Skungy exclaimed.  "When did you get back to the bog?"

"Oh, a couple of days ago," she replied, standing up and walking 
over to the others.  "I heard there was a wedding, and ... well, I 
just felt in the mood to attend.  There's still no limit on 
witnesses, right?"

"Indeed not," Dinkum agreed.  "The more the merrier."  The croc -- 
like Drongo and Wanker -- seemed to be enjoying Skungy's reaction to 
seeing Lolly again.

"So ... uh, did you have a good vacation visiting your folks out in 
the countryside?" Skungy asked.

"Oh, it was all right," she said.  "I got to try some different 
foods, chased a few villagers around, but ... well, it was just too 
open and dry.  I really started feeling homesick for the nice, 
steamy, closed-in bog."

"Speaking of foods, I assume they agreed with you," Skungy said, 
looking over her torso admiringly.  "You've gained weight, haven't 
you?"

"You noticed," Lolly said, blushing and grinning shyly.  "Yes, about 
twenty pounds."

"Well, they look good on you!" Skungy said, then squinted and looked 
over her brunette locks.  "And are you using a new ointment for your 
hair?"

"Yes, actually," she admitted.  "It's specially formulated to 
increase frizz and keep the luster down."

"It works really well!" Skungy said.

"Thanks," she said.

The two of them looked at each other quietly for a few seconds, then 
Skungy said, "Uh, Lolly ..."

"Yes ... Skungy?" she prodded.

"I was thinking ..." he stammered "... maybe ... after the wedding 
... you'd like to grab a bite to eat?  There's a new place that 
opened up recently, 'The Slippery Eel', that has the best slime-
basted slugs you've ever tasted!"

Her smile deepened.  "I'd like that," she said.

Skungy smiled back at her, and they gazed at each other for several 
seconds.  Then Skungy seemed to become aware of three other sets of 
eyes staring at him.  He looked around to see Dinkum, Drongo, and 
Wanker all looking at him and Lolly, all with odd grins on their 
faces.  Skungy's face immediately resumed its churlish expression from 
earlier.  "WHAT?" he demanded.

"Oh, nothing," Dinkum said, looking away along with the others.  
Then he noticed a stirring in the swamp.  "Blimey!" he exclaimed.  
"It looks like our wedding party's arriving now!"

As everyone else looked toward the swamp, Skungy whispered to Lolly, 
"Anyway, I think you look great.  Better than that pretender 
princess we all read about, I'm sure.  What was her name again?"

*     *     *

Fiona pushed along the marshy path through the bog just behind Moyre 
and Groyl.  The princess felt both her excitement and her 
trepidation grow as they drew nearer their destination.  "With luck, 
they'll never even have heard of us," she suggested, hoping for 
support.

"I wouldn't wager on it, dear," Moyre responded.

"Oh," Fiona said, disheartened.  Then she felt Shrek's hand on her 
shoulder.

"It'll be fine," he said softly into her ear, trying to sound 
cheerful.

Fiona smiled tentatively and laid her hand on his.  "Thanks," she 
said.  "I just hope I haven't made a foolish mistake in dragging you 
all out here."

"You're not dragging anybody anywhere," Shrek said.  "We're all here 
because we love ye.  And if the people we see have a problem with 
marrying us ... well, that's just it, THEIR problem.  You're as 
worthy and deserving as any conventionally-born ogress.  More so, in 
fact.  If they're too pig-headed to recognize that, then THEY'RE the 
fools."

Fiona had to take a moment to clear a catch in her throat, then she 
said, "I love you, Shrek.  I shall love you forever.  That is a vow 
I gladly take now before Heaven itself, and wedding ceremonies -- of 
ANY species -- be hanged."

Suddenly Moyre halted and raised her right arm at the elbow, 
signaling for the others to stop as well.  Groyl, Fiona and Shrek 
did so.

Moyre turned to face the others.  "We're almost there," she said 
softly.  "Now remember ..."  Here she stopped what she was about to 
say and looked questioningly behind Shrek and Fiona.  "Where's your 
parents?" she asked the princess.

The two younger ogres spun around.  The path behind them was empty.

"Oh, no!" Fiona moaned.  "We lost them!  We'd better go back --"

"Whoa whoa whoa," Shrek said.  "Listen!  They're coming now."

Fiona did listen, and she did hear the sound of someone sloshing 
along the path they had just come through.  After a few moments she 
saw them appear; two ogres, a male dressed in Shrek's outfit, and a 
female dressed in Fiona's.  They slowing and clumsily moved forward 
toward the others, both -- but especially the male -- unused to the 
massive weight increase and the way it was distributed over their 
bodies.  

The potion had worked perfectly.  Fiona's parents were physically 
indistinguishable from natural-born ogres; both had green skin and 
trumpet ears and extra heft to match their daughter and son-in-law.  
But beyond that, they retained recognizable facial features if 
someone cared to look closely enough, just as Fiona's ogress face 
still retained a broader and pudgier semblance to her more delicate 
human visage.  Harold's wide mouth and large eyes still stood out, 
and he had a gray tuft of beard on his chin.  He even had receding 
gray hair now just as he had when he had been human.  Lillian still 
had dusky blond hair, although she and Fiona had undone the bun she 
normally wore it in and mussed it before they had left the clearing.  
Lillian's ogress face had the same more mature resemblance to her 
ogress daughter's as her human face had to Fiona's human face.  The 
queen was actually a bit taller than the princess now, and just 
barely fit convincingly into her outfit.  Harold, on the other hand, 
was a tad smaller than Shrek, and his son-in-law's outfit looked 
slightly big on him.  Fortunately, ogres were not known as fashion 
plates, and so clothes that did not fit perfectly would not garner 
that much attention.

Unfortunately, the metamorphosis had a side effect that Fiona hadn't 
anticipated, although in retrospect she realized that she should 
have.  Unused to the difference in weight and musculature and build 
from their former selves, her parents had problems with 
coordination, and moved with ungainly awkwardness.  Fiona mentally 
kicked herself.  Having always had her dual nature until recently, 
adjusting between the two physical states was literally second 
nature to her, and so she hadn't even thought about how it would 
affect a 'newcomer' to the species.

"I'm sorry to put you through this, guys," she apologized as her 
parents drew near to the others.  "You must think me terribly 
selfish."

"Oh, sweetheart, not at all," Lillian said.  "We're glad to do this.  
It's quite an adventure!"

"Indeed," Harold concurred.  "In fact, it's rather nice to be able 
to stand up and look people in the eye again."  Then he grimaced.  
"Although this body has certain ... features with which I've not had 
to deal as much with before," he added as he reached back and 
scratched between his buttcheeks.  "The only really bad thing was 
the vile taste of that potion.  It's a good thing you thought to 
bring some sugar along, Lillian.  A spoonful of that helped the 
potion go down much easier.  A most delightful idea, that."

"I try to be prepared," Lillian said.

"Speaking of being prepared," Moyre interjected somewhat 
impatiently, "we're about t'meet the wedding officials, so does 
everybody remember what we discussed back in the clearing?"

Everybody nodded.

"Okay," Moyre said. "I've tried t'be as vague as I can in getting 
this set up.  Remember, ye can't tell any lies.  But this isn't a 
trial -- ye don't have t'tell the whole truth, either.  Any last 
questions?"

"I have one," Harold said.  "I'm trying to understand, so could you 
tell me again ... why a crocodile?"

"I already told ye," Moyre said.  "It's tradition!"

Harold sighed deeply, and his large eyes sought out his daughter.

Fiona smiled sympathetically.  "Sorry, Dad," she empathized.  "It's 
just one of those things we have to roll with."  Harold nodded his 
reluctant acquiescence.

"Does anyone ELSE have any questions?" Moyre asked.

"Just one more," Groyl said, nodding to Fiona's parents.  "Nothing 
personal, friends, but mightn't ye not draw some undue attention, 
moving about as awkward and ye are?"

"Well, we're doing our best," Harold said, somewhat chagrinned.

"Maybe with some more time --" Lillian began.

"Unfortunately, we don't HAVE that much time," Moyre interrupted.  
The ogress seemed to lose herself in thought for several seconds, 
then her face brightened and she turned to Groyl.  "Here, lend me 
your flask," she said to her husband.

"Flask?" Groyl responded innocently.  "What flask?"

"The one ye keep hidden under your vest," Moyre replied 
matter-of-factly.

"I don't know what you're --"

"GROYL," Moyre prodded impatiently.

Groyl sighed.  He reached inside his vest and, blushing meekly, 
withdrew a metal flask and handed it to Moyre.

"Good!" Moyre said, unscrewing the lid.  Then he held it out to 
Fiona's parents and said, "Now, each of you take a drink to your 
daughter's wedding with this.  In fact, gargle with it.  That way if 
anybody remarks on your ... difficulty with coordination, we can 
honestly say you've been celebrating their wedding.  If they draw a 
connection between the two ... well, that's THEIR inference, isn't 
it?  If they can smell the liquor on your breath, it'll be that much 
easier for them to draw such an inference."

"Moyre!  No!" Fiona objected.  "I can't ask my parents to --"

"Oh, it's quite all right, dear," Harold said, taking the flask from 
Moyre.  "In fact, it's my honor."  Harold cleared his throat, then 
held the flask out to Fiona and Shrek and said, "In my diplomatic 
duties as king I've often had to drink to things and to people 
which, frankly, left a bad taste in my mouth in more ways than one.  
It therefore gives me considerable pleasure to drink to this most 
worthy occasion, and to a most worthy couple.  A couple who've 
triumphed over considerable physical dangers and immense 
psychological hardships ... a number of which, I regret to say, were 
of my construction."

Fiona opened her mouth to object, but her father gently waved her 
down with his free hand.  He then continued, "Here's to a couple 
whose love has empowered them to scale walls of fear and breach 
bulwarks of bigotry and presumptions.  It is a love whose power is 
so demonstratively great it even inspires others to considerations 
and actions otherwise believed beyond their capacity ... even some 
old fools such as myself.  I'm immensely proud of ... and thankful 
to ... you both."

Fiona and Shrek smiled humbly and gratefully.  Harold smiled back, 
then took a drink from the flask.  He swished it around in his 
mouth, gargled for a few seconds, then swallowed.  He then coughed 
for several seconds and then wheezed. 

"Good HEAVENS, sir!" Harold said to Groyl.  "What is IN that thing?"

"Ograrian ale," Groyl replied.

"It ... has quite a KICK to it," Harold observed.

"Oh, aye," Groyl agreed, a small grin at the corner of his mouth.

"I assume you're done with this, then," Lillian said, taking the 
flask from her husband.

"Mom ..." Fiona began.

"It's all right, dear," Lillian said, smiling.  Then she held out 
the flask with both hands towards her daughter and son-in-law.  
"Here's to love and life and the happily-ever-after that we always 
wished for our daughter ... and her valiant, noble rescuer."

Shrek blushed as Lillian took a drink, swished it in her mouth, 
gargled, then swallowed it.  Her eyes immediately grew wider and one 
hand fell across her large belly.  "Oh, my!" she exclaimed.

"Bit of a jolt, eh?" Harold teased.

"It's certainly no rum punch," she commented -- then hiccupped.

"Are we all ready, then?" Moyre asked.

Fiona looked around nervously as everyone nodded their concurrence.

"All right, let's do this," Moyre said, reaching to take the flask 
back from Lillian.

"Just a second," Fiona said, and grabbed the flask.  She took a long 
drink from it, tilting it all the way up.  After a few moments she 
lowered it, coughed, and handed it back to Moyre.  "Okay," the 
princess said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand,  "I'm 
ready now."

Moyre raised an eyebrow as she took the flask, screwed its lid back 
on, and handed it back to Groyl.  The ogre sighed over the 
container's considerable loss of weight and then secreted it back 
under his vest.

Meanwhile Fiona looked down at her outfit, straightened it out, then 
looked up at Shrek only to find him staring at her oddly.  "What?" 
the princess asked.

"Oh, nothing," Shrek said defensively.  Then he grinned and said.  
"Ye remember your new vows?"

Fiona smirked as she recalled the lines she was to recite.  
"Indeed," she replied.  "And you?"

"Aye," he said, and chuckled.

"Are you two ready?" Moyre asked Shrek and Fiona a bit anxiously.

Shrek and Fiona looked at each other, sighed together, and then 
nodded in unison.

"Good," Moyre said, turning back toward the path.  "All right," she 
announced, "this is it!"

Both Shrek and Fiona winced at Moyre's choice of words.  They then 
joined hands, fingers entwining, offered each other a last little 
smile, and then fell into step behind Moyre and Groyl.

*     *     *

Fiona squeezed Shrek's hand a little tighter as they followed her 
in-laws into the clearing.  She saw the officials several yards away 
near the bank of a lagoon:  a crocodile, three ogres, and an ogress.  
She was intimidated, but relieved that there weren't more.  In her 
wildest fantasies she had envisioned a swamp full of hostile ogres.  
So maybe things would work out all right after all.  Maybe.

"Hallo hallo hallo!" the crocodile said, smiling.  He seemed 
friendly enough.  "And a hearty g'day to all you mates and sheilas!"

"G'day, Fair ... Fair ..." Moyre said, 'Fair' being the title given 
to the recognized executor of an ogre wedding ceremony.

"Dinkum," the crocodile said.  "Fair Dinkum.  But no need to stand 
on etiquette.  Just call me 'Dinkum'.  This is a wedding, after all 
-- a time for joy, not for protocols!"

"Thank you, Dinkum," Moyre said.  "I can't tell you how much I 
agree!"

"So," Dinkum said, "you are ... ?"

"My name is Moyre," she said, "and this is my husband, Groyl."

"Dinkum," Groyl said, nodding.

"Groyl", Dinkum said, nodding back.  "So ... um, is it you two that 
are here to tie the knot?"

"Oh, Heavens, no," Moyre said.  "We already tied one on years ago.  
It is my son and daughter-in-law," Moyre said, and gestured toward 
Shrek and Fiona.

"Daughter-in-law?" Dinkum asked, confused.

Fiona felt her breath stop.  Moyre bit her lip, smiled, and said, 
"Oh!  I mean ... well, we already think of her as family."

Dinkum nodded understandingly.  "That happens a lot," he said 
sympathetically.

The two newlyweds smiled as sincerely as they could.  Fiona started 
breathing again.

"Ah, quite glad to meet you!" Dinkum said.  "As you heard, my name's 
Dinkum.  And you are ... ?"

"I was given the name Shreklecheh," Shrek replied, emphasizing the 
second syllable in the name.

"'Shreklecheh'," one of the other ogres -- a particularly surly  
looking one -- repeated.  "That name sounds familiar ..."

"It ... was my grandfather's," Shrek said.  "He was quite a fellow.  
Maybe that's where ye heard it."

"Maybe," the other ogre repeated, but still regarded Shrek with 
suspicion.

"It, uh, appears the time to introduce your witnesses is here," 
Dinkum said.  "This is Skungy," he said, indicating the ogre that 
challenged Shrek.  Skungy and Shrek nodded to each other, but more 
like prizefighters sizing each other up, Fiona thought 
uncomfortably, than people at a wedding.  "And over here are Lolly, 
Drongo, and Wanker," Dinkum added, nodding in turn to the portly 
brunette ogress, a relatively small and thin black-haired ogre, and 
a tall curly-haired ogre.  They and Moyre, Groyl, and Shrek nodded 
greetings back and forth.  At least the other ogres seemed better 
tempered than Skungy -- at least they didn't seem hostile.

"Then I assume this is the lovely bride," Dinkum addressed Fiona.  
"And your name, child?"

"I'm called 'Fi'," Fiona replied, nodding greetings to the croc and 
other ogres in turn.

"'Fi'," Lolly said.  "That's an odd name for an ogress."

"It's short," Fiona said, then realized she'd made a mistake.  She 
inwardly prayed that nobody would ask --

"What's it short for?" Skungy asked.

Fiona winced.  She paused, then opened her mouth, but Shrek quickly 
intervened.  "Hey!" he said, then asked,  "Have ye ever heard of 
'Fee Fi Fo Fum?"

"Of course," Skungy replied.

"Oh!" Wanker said, assuming that Shrek was answering Skungy's 
question.  "I suppose that makes sense."

"I think I have a great aunt by that name!" Drongo added.

Lolly also seemed satisfied, but Fiona noticed that Skungy was still 
regarding her (Fiona) with a skeptical gaze.  But Fiona was starting 
to suspect that that was how he regarded everybody.  The princess 
breathed a sigh of relief.  She squeezed Shrek's hand a little 
tighter in secret thanks.  He squeezed back.

"So," Dinkum said, looking past the newlyweds to Lillian and Harold, 
who were awkwardly waddling forward, "these must be --"

"My parents, yes," Fiona nodded.  "My mother --"

"You may call me 'Lil'", the queen said, stopping beside her 
daughter.

But Harold staggered on.  He stopped in front of Skungy, who stood a 
half-foot taller.  The king looked up at the ogre, smiled awkwardly 
as if not entirely sober, and said into the other's face in a voice 
also suggesting a lack of sobriety, "Just call me 'Hhhhal'."  Skungy 
winced at the smell of Harold's breath and leaned back.

"Now, Dad," Fiona said with a strained laugh, and moved forward.  
She took Harold by the arms and started leading him back to where 
Lillian stood.  "I'm sorry," Fiona said over her shoulder.  "I'm 
afraid my father started drinking to us earlier and ... well, he's 
just not himself today."  She stopped as they drew next to her 
mother, and then added, "Actually, neither of my parents are."

"Whatever do you mean, dear?" Lillian asked ... and then hiccupped.  
Fiona turned to the witnesses and gave a what-can-you-do shrug.

Fiona noticed that Dinkum was staring disapprovingly at her father -- 
but she soon found it was not for any drinking indiscretion.  "Er 
... what type of vest is that, mate?" the reptile asked.

"This?" Harold asked, and looked down at the vest.  Then his eyes 
shot back up at Fiona.  She realized the problem immediately, and 
couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it earlier.

"It's alligator," Shrek said.  "I made it."

"Oh!" Dinkum said with relief.  "Alligator!  Thank goodness!  For a 
second I thought it was crocodile."

Fiona again breathed a sigh of relief.  She looked over at Shrek, 
who gave her a clandestine wink.  But although Dinkum seemed 
satisfied, Skungy was still glaring at her parents suspiciously.

"'Lil' and 'Hal'," Skungy mused.  "Those are odd names for ogres."

"They're not too terribly odd names where we come from," Lillian 
said.  "But that's ... far away from here."

"They do sound like poms," Wanker offered.

"Hummm," Skungy mumbled noncommittally.

"Well!" Moyre interjected, "We might as well get started."

"What?" Dinkum asked, surprised.  "You ... don't have any other 
family or friends showing up?"

"We like our privacy," Shrek stated.

"What ogre doesn't?" Skungy asked, frowning.  "But we usually invite 
a FEW friends over for occasions like this.  Are you that much of a 
hermit?  Or don't you HAVE any friends?"

Shrek scowled and took a step toward Skungy.  Fiona quickly stepped 
in front of him, forced a smiled, and said nervously, "No, it's not 
that.  It's just that ... well, I just wanted us to have a small, 
intimate wedding. Just us and our closest family.  He's doing this 
for me.  Is that really so uncommon?"

"Not at all, honey," Lolly said.  "I think that's rather sweet.  
Don't you, Skungy?"

Skungy grumbled something unintelligible.

"All righty, then!" Dinkum said.  "If you'd all care to step this 
way ..."

Dinkum then walked toward the part of the clearing where two 
parallel rows of felled logs, in various stages of decomposition, 
laid on their sides, with an 'aisle' of about six feet separating 
the rows.  Several feet in front of this aisle and only a few feet 
from where the dense foliage of the bog began stood the stump of 
another tree.  The stump was about a yard in diameter and grew from 
the ground for about four feet before it was cut off to form a flat 
surface.  On this surface sat a leather-bound book and an extra wide 
pair of reading glasses.  Dinkum headed behind this stump, then rose 
on his hind legs and leaned against the stump in a roughly upright 
stance facing the aisle.

With his front paws Dinkum picked up the glasses and put them on.  
He then opened the book and started paging through it as Fiona and 
Shrek took their place on the opposite side of the stump/pedestal 
from the crocodile.  Shrek's parents took a seat on the front log of 
one row as Fiona's parents took theirs on the front log of the other 
row.  There was one lonely long log that sat off to one side by 
itself at an angle to the other rows; it was here that the witnesses 
took their seats.  Skungy and Lolly sat beside each other on the 
middle of the log, with Drongo flanking them on one side and Wanker 
on the other.

"Please join hands," Dinkum said as he settled on the page he was 
looking for.

Fiona faced Shrek.  He had a smile on his face.  Part of it was 
forced due to the awkward situation, but a good deal of it was 
genuine happiness as he beheld his wife.  He reached forward and 
took Fiona's left hand in his right one, and her right one in his 
left.  They squeezed each others' hands as Fiona smiled back at the 
love of her life.  It appeared as if this was actually going to 
work!  They were actually going to --

Lillian belched.  It was a long, loud belch.  She immediately 
blushed in embarrassment, her elongated ears drooping towards her 
shoulders.  "Excuse me!" she said unthinkingly, then covered her 
mouth.

"'Excuse me'!" Skungy echoed.  "For a nice, hearty belch?  THAT'S 
not an ogrism -- in ANY land!  It's more like something a HUMAN 
would do!"

Lillian stared at Skungy, wide-eyed, her hands still covering her 
mouth.  It was Harold who spoke up.  "Y-y-yes it is, isn't it?" he 
stammered.  "But ... would -- would you believe that this is a 
little prank that she sometimes plays?  You know, an ogress, 
pretending to be a human, pretending to be an ogress?  Ha-ha!  Now, 
Lillian, I don't think this is the time or place to --"

"'Lillian'!" Skungy repeated.  His face took on a deeply thoughtful 
expression for a few seconds, then he snapped his fingers and said, 
"Of course!  Lillian and 'Hal' -- Harold!  The queen and king of Far 
Far Away!  Then that makes her --" Here Skungy turned toward the 
couple standing before the stump.  He pointed at the princess -- 
whose face bore an expression of near panic -- and announced 
"Princess Fiona!  These are the blokes we all read about!  Neither 
her nor her parents are authentic ogres!  This wedding is a beastly 
sham!"