Layer 5:  Family Stew


Everyone had barely been settled -- Shrek at the end of the table 
opposite Groyl, Fiona on the opposite side across from Moyre and 
beside Donkey -- and the ogres had just started tasting their stew 
when Donkey decided this was the time to continue his narration.

"So anyways," Donkey said, "she started goin' on about how she needed 
to reach Duloc and kiss Farquaad an' break the spell.  Then *I* came 
up with the suggestion that her and Shrek had a lot in common an' 
maybe she should consider him.  Then she goes, 'Shrek?' like she 
thought it was a really weird idea."

Fiona -- unnoticed by Donkey -- blushed and glanced over at Shrek.  
He was already looking at her, and when their eyes made contact he 
smiled a rueful smile.  She smiled shyly back, cast her eyes down to 
her stew and blushed even more deeply.

Donkey continued, "But then she says that she can't just marry 
anybody she wants.  She goes on and says about herself, 'who could 
love a beast so hideous and ugly' and how 'princess and ugly don't go 
together' and how she's gotta kiss Farquaad to break the spell, on 
account'a him being her True Love."

"And shortly after that," Fiona added softly, still staring down at 
her stew, "you promised never to tell."

"That's right!" Donkey said, closing his eyes and nodding his head 
proudly.  Then he suddenly realized fully what Fiona had said.  "OH!" 
the excitable animal stammered.  "I thought -- I mean, after the 
wedding and all -- hey, isn't there a statue of limitations or 
somethin' --"

"Never mind, Donkey, it's okay," Fiona said.  A smile wistfully 
played on her lips, but it was brief, for as she toyed about her bowl 
with her spoon she could feel Moyre's stare burning into her.

"So," Moyre said, "it didn't even occur to ye that your big ogre 
escort could be your True Love even after a day spent -- how was that 
way ye put it, Donkey?"

"Diggin' on each other," Donkey replied.  "Practically all day long.  
Man, you shoulda seen 'em.  'Specially after she let out this great 
big belch an' --"

"Yes, Donkey, we heard ye when ye told us about it earlier," Moyre 
said, her tone reflecting more that a little of the irritation that 
the talkative equine often prompted in her son.  Moyre stared at 
Fiona, who was still looking despondently down at her stew and poking 
at it.  "WELL, dear?" Moyre goaded.

"Leave her alone, Mom," Shrek said, his tone low but firm.

Moyre looked over at her son with a bit of a surprised expression.  
"I was just asking Fiona a simple qu--"

"Fiona doesn't need t'answer to ANYONE," Shrek growled, staring down 
his mother so intensely that he didn't notice when Fiona lifted her 
eyes and looked over at him, her initial expression of surprise 
quickly changing to one of heartfelt gratitude.

"Well!" Moyre said, somewhat indignantly.  "I woulda thought Fiona at 
least capable of answering for hersel--"

"MOYRE!" Groyl joined in.  "Please!  We've made great progress here 
t'day.  It's a very special day, the Day of Reconciliation.  Don't go 
fouling things up now.  Fiona's had a past like we couldn't BEGIN to 
fathom ourselves.  She -- she and Shrek, BOTH -- have struggled 
through a LOT -- both physically and otherwise -- t'get to where they 
are now.  We cut Shrek loose to make a life of his own.  He's 
accomplished that.  NOW our job is t'accept and respect the decisions 
he's made and the life he's created.  And I, for one, think he's done 
a FINE job ... ESPECIALLY in his choice of a lifemate."

Fiona looked over at Groyl and offered him a grateful smile.  "Thank 
you," she said.

"My pleasure, dear," he said, smiling back.

Moyre gave a little "Humph" and then returned to her own bowl, 
mumbling under her breath, "Well!  Seems like SOMEBODY can STILL get 
their head turned by a pretty face even after all these years."  She 
then shoveled a spoonful of stew into her mouth.

"Do you really think that, Moyre?" Fiona asked.

Moyre looked up from her bowl, seemingly surprised that Fiona would 
address her.  A stray gray tentacle from the stew was trailing from 
between Moyre's lips; she sucked it in like a strand of spaghetti and 
then asked, "Really think WHAT, Fiona?"

"That I'm pretty," Fiona replied simply.

"Of COURSE you're pretty," Moyre said.  "Physically, you're stunning.  
Didn't ye KNOW that?  Of course, what OGRES regard as physical 
beauty's radically different from what HUMANS think of as --"

"But that's just IT, Moyre!" Fiona said.  "When I asked Donkey 'who 
could love a beast so hideous and ugly' -- I was afraid that was how 
SHREK would think of me if he saw me ... like I am now ... as much as 
how anybody else would."

"WHAT?!" Moyre responded incredulously.  "Fiona, that makes no sense.  
Shrek was an ogre --"

"And I was RAISED as a human.  Moyre, do you know how many stories 
have been written by humans about monstrous beasts who are enamored -- 
not by their own kind -- but by fair-haired HUMAN beauties?"

Moyre looked at Fiona, jaw agape.  "Are humans really THAT 
egocentric?" she asked.

"Many can be," Fiona replied.  "In my case, I was conditioned to 
regard my ogress self as a hideous, loathsome aberration, something 
no man could possibly even consider falling in love with and 
marrying.  For love -- for True Love -- I would have to be rescued by 
my Prince Charming, whose kiss would break the spell and 'restore' me 
to full humanity.  So I accepted my confinement in the tower, looking 
forward to the day of my rescuer's arrival.  But as the years passed 
and would-be rescuers came and ... uh, went ... well, I guess I 
became a little more cynical, and I was willing to lower my 
expectations somewhat --"

"But not to 'lower' them enough," Moyre interrupted in a disapproving 
tone, "that when that day finally came and ye were rescued by -- as 
Donkey said ye put it, 'an ogre and his pet' -- who put their lives 
on the line t'save ye, that ye could do anything but reject him -- 
practically spit in his face after what he did for ye."

Fiona blushed in embarrassment.  She paused for a moment, and was 
about to reply when Shrek spoke up.

"Oh, c'mon, Mom!" he said.  "With her upbringing, how was she 
SUPPOSED to react when she saw that her  precious 'rescuer' turned 
out t'be, of all things, an OGRE?  B'sides, I didn't risk my life 
t'save HER, I did it t'get my swamp back.  She was just a means 
t'that end.  And like I told her right then, I WASN'T the one meant 
t'be her hubby, I was just working for Farquaad and that HE was the 
one who wanted t'marry her."

"Yes, ye gave her a nice, convenient 'out', didn't ye,? Moyre asked 
her son.

Shrek was about to reply when Fiona interjected, "Yes, he did.  But 
when I spoke of 'lowering' my expectations, Moyre, I was referring to 
lowering them to accept Farquaad, who I thought could break the 
spell, not your son.  Your son was --" she looked over at Shrek and 
smiled -- "well beyond ANY 'expectations' I might have held."  Fiona 
sighed and looked back down at her bowl.  "We were ALL just using 
each other at that point as a means towards our own ends.  Farquaad 
was using Shrek, Shrek was using me, Farquaad was using me, and I was 
using Farquaad.  It was amazing that True Love could grow out of a 
field sown with such selfish motivations.  And yet --" a romantic 
gleam played in her eyes -- "and yet somehow it did."

"I'LL say it did!" Donkey said.  "Like a BEANSTALK!"

Fiona smiled again, still staring down at her bowl, and then took a 
chunky spoonful of her stew.  Among the morsels of meat and 
vegetables that played across her tongue Fiona felt a particularly 
gelatinous orb.  She popped it between her teeth and was enjoying the 
sensation as its liquidly contents oozed down her gullet when Groyl 
spoke.

"Why did that happen, Fiona?" her father-in-law asked.  "Why did ye 
change so from the first day -- the day ye was rescued -- from being 
a ... a ..."

"A shrew?" Fiona suggested, unconsciously spraying a small amount of 
the broth that was still in her mouth as she cast a sideways glance 
and grin at Shrek.  Her husband suppressed his own grin and attended 
to his own bowl.

"Well ..." Groyl conceded reluctantly, "the way Donkey described ye 
... for lack of a better term ..."

Fiona swallowed the rest of her bite as she waved his concern off 
with the hand that held her spoon.  "It's quite all right," she 
laughed.  "I'm not sure how much of it was the pristine princess 
being frustrated at seeing her fantasy rescue scenario being so 
twisted, and how much of it was the irascible ogress already managing 
to peek out, but I AM sure that's how Shrek felt about me by the end 
of that first day.  But then ... then came that first NIGHT.  And as 
I sat huddled there in my damp little cave, the scared not-so-little 
ogress, I heard Shrek and Donkey talking.  Now, Groyl, you need to 
understand my peculiar nature and upbringing.  Although I alternated 
physical APPEARANCE, inside I remained the same -- always had the 
same feelings, same wants, same desires.  And where those deviated 
from the human norm, I was told they were bad, and had to be 
suppressed.  I was taught that any -- embarrassing nonconformities -- 
were part of the ogre part of my nature, and that ogres were simply 
uncouth brutes who had no feelings beyond surliness and anger and 
irritability.  So when I felt those things, it was the ogre trying to 
come out.  But when I felt love or joy or compassion -- well, that 
was the human.  After all, OGRES don't feel such things.  True Love's 
first kiss, I was told, would not only end my physical nighttime -- 
regressions -- but would also purge those 'undesirable' elements of 
my inner being as well."

Fiona looked over at Shrek, who was chewing a bite of stew as he 
quietly watched her.  She grinned at him and said, "And during that 
first day we met, aside from being braver and more resourceful than I 
would have imagined an ogre being, he pretty much played to the 
stereotype."

Shrek chuckled, and then Fiona reached over and gently laid a hand 
atop his, and turned back to Groyl.  "But then that night," she said, 
"I overheard him reveal a glimpse of a being with uncertainties and 
complexities that I would never have believed would exist in the 
simple brutes I was taught that ogres were.  'They judge me before 
they get to know me', he had said.  I lay awake much of the rest of 
that night thinking about that -- thinking about him -- thinking 
about ME.  For I heard a plaintive tone in that voice that I had 
often felt myself as I'd lay huddled in my bed at night as a little 
ogress back in my father's castle -- a yearning to be accepted for 
who I was, not hidden away as the embarrassing 'worse half' to a 
pristine human princess -- the unfortunate result of an enchantment 
that must be 'broken' and purged."  Fiona paused for a moment, then 
shrugged and continued, "Anyway, I decided that the next day I'd try 
to do just what Shrek said -- I'd try to get to know him."  Then she 
giggled, and said, "That's really all I intended to do, at first.  I 
wasn't planning to -- well, after breakfast he let go this big belch 
..."  She looked at Shrek and asked, "You remember that belch I made 
during our first dinner with my Mom and Dad, and how I got so 
defensive and said, 'excuse me', right?"

"How could I forget?" he asked wryly.

"Well, you don't know HOW many times that scene played as I was 
growing up.  Such particularly loud and 'obnoxious' belches were 
another one of those distasteful things that was -- mostly rightly in 
this case, it turns out -- attributed to the ogre part of my nature.  
And whenever it happened, I was always made to feel like -- 'well, 
that's the beast part of her rearing its ugly head again'.  So when 
Shrek did it with such heartfelt, unapologetic abandon -- I couldn't 
help myself.  I had to answer him.  For once in my life, with no 
embarrassment or apologies, I just HAD to.  And, great HEAVENS, it 
felt so GOOD!  Then Donkey made one of the wisest observations of his 
life."

Suddenly all eyes shifted to Donkey, who was in the midst of gnawing 
on a mouthful of salad as, like the others, he had become immersed in 
Fiona's story.  Now the embarrassed equine swallowed the mouthful 
down hard, and asked Fiona, "I DID?"

"Surely you remember," she prodded.

"Oh!" Donkey said.  "You mean when I told Shrek, 'She's as nasty as 
you are'."

"Precisely," Fiona said, then turned to Groyl again.  "For the rest 
of that day, I decided, I'd just be me.  Taking my inspiration from 
Shrek, I'd put the pristine princess aside and just go with what I 
felt.  For the first -- and for what I thought then would be the only 
-- time in my life, I'd let the repressed ogress inside have 
unfettered reign.  It would be her swan song -- or ugly duckling 
song, depending on how you look at it -- before Farquaad's kiss wiped 
away her existence.  It was a little hard at first, and it wasn't 
until after I pulled that arrow out of Shrek's butt that I REALLY 
started to relax. But as the day wore on it became more and more 
natural.  I assume Donkey's probably filled you in on a lot of the 
details.  But from my perspective, I just want to let you know that 
it was one of the most fulfilling, empowering days of my life.  From 
the belches to the balloons to the spider-web candy to the weedrat 
dinner, it was marvelous to be so free, and to share that abandon 
with someone like your son, who had no qualms about being his ogre 
self, and even seemed to revel in it.  The day before he had 
liberated me from Dragon's castle; now, through his inspiration, he 
helped free my soul, and it immediately seemed to seek out and 
intertwine with his.  By the end of that day I was deeply if 
accidentally in love with him ... although I didn't want to admit it.  
For all my previous talk of 'True Love', I never really knew what it 
was.  I never had an inkling.  Now it had arrived ... and I didn't 
recognize it.  Not just yet."

"And yet, for all that, ye still retreated into that windmill that 
night," Moyre observed.  "Ye were still afraid to physically show ... 
the other side."

Fiona sighed.  "That day was a living dream.  But ... the dream was 
over.  What can I say?  The preconception of who could constitute a 
proper 'True Love' with the proper pedigree to break the spell, 
although warped, was still intact.  My fate was sealed and my destiny 
set.  I had to marry Farquaad.  Only his kiss could break the spell.  
I was a princess.  That was just the way it had to be.  But then 
Donkey showed up --" here Fiona again smiled at her furry friend 
"-- and started me thinking all over again.  Then when he left I found 
this big sunflower mysterious laying outside the door --" here she 
looked over to Shrek, who was staring down into his stew with an 
unreadable expression on his face -- "and -- well, as it turned out, 
I wasn't the first person in this relationship who was willing to 
expand their horizons and take a chance on love.  Unfortunately, 
Shrek had, unknown to me at the time, overheard only part of our 
conversation, and thought that when I was speaking so disparagingly 
of myself, and how nobody could love a beast so hideous and ugly, 
that I was talking about him."  She sighed sadly, shook her head, and 
then continued.  "Ironically, I stayed up the rest of that night 
taking account of -- well, everything, really.  Eventually I decided 
that, yes, I WOULD reveal myself to Shrek.  My full self -- my ogress 
self.  I'd take a chance and tell him.  And after that ... well, I 
didn't really know.  Although, in the last stages of my internal 
deliberations I started plucking the petals off the flower to 
'decide' whether or not to tell him, I'm sure that by the end of that 
routine, if the last petal had come up 'tell him not', that I would 
have snatched the bulb off the thing to make it come up 'tell him.'  
As it was, by the time I ran out of the windmill to find him, the sun 
was rising and I changed back into human form.  And then ..."  Here 
Fiona's voice trailed off.

"And then I showed up," Shrek continued for her, looking up.  "Like 
Fi said, I thought -- well, I wasn't thinking too clearly then.  And 
if she'd mistakenly hurt me the previous evening, I surely hurt her 
worse that morn'.   Fi was so afraid that I'd reject her 'cause of 
her ogre state.  Even me.  And the things I said that morn' made it 
sound like I'd done just that.  I can't imagine how devastating that 
was for her."

Fiona smiled wanly and looked down, a little pain playing in the 
corner of her mouth even after all this time.  Then she felt Shrek's 
hand slip into hers; she looked over and saw him regarding her 
intently, a contrite look in his eyes.  She forced a smile and 
squeezed his hand.

"So we went our sep'rate ways," Shrek continued.  "Fiona off t'marry 
Farquaad and me back here to my swamp.  Then THAT busy-body decided 
t'get into the act again."  Here he nodded with mock irritation 
toward Donkey, who responded with a broad grin, which didn't look too 
well considering he had another mouthfull of salad at the same time.  
"He showed up and straightened me out how I was mistaken 'bout 
Fiona's words the night b'fore.  Also just happened t'bring a dragon 
along with him, so off we fly to the wedding -- "  

"And to rescue me from the biggest mistake of my life," Fiona 
interjected, a genuine smile returning to her face.  "You should have 
seen your son, bravely charging down the aisle of that enormous, 
crowded church, yelling 'I object!'."  She started giggling at the 
remembrance.

"But the really brave one was Fiona," Shrek said.  "When everybody 
else was laughing at the absurd ogre with the temerity t'fall in love 
with a princess -- when she was just one kiss away from achieving her 
life's goal -- she stepped away.  It was late -- the sun was going 
down -- the church had the whole town in there gawking at her -- and 
yet she stepped away."  As Shrek spoke the words his voice grew 
heavier and lower with both adoration and admiration.  "'I meant 
t'show you b'fore', she said, then just let the change take her.  In 
fronta all those people, she just let it take her.  Then the crowd 
was treated to the sight of the most lovely ogress in the world -- 
'though not one of the idiots could appreciate it."

"Ye really did that, in front of all those humans?" Moyre asked Fiona.
For the first time Fiona thought she could detect a hint of something 
actually approaching respect in Moyre's voice.

"Yes," Fiona replied, "although it didn't go over very well with 
Farquaad, as you can imagine.  Before we knew it we were both 
surrounded and captured by a battalion of his goons, although Shrek 
must have fought off a dozen before they subdued him."

"It wasn't THAT many, Fi," Shrek said, blushing somewhat as a grin 
creased his cheek.

"Well, darn close!" she continued.  "But then, HE showed up again," 
and here Fiona nodded again toward Donkey.

"Along with Dragon," Donkey said, grinning.  "She helped."

"Aye," Shrek agreed.  "She gobbled Farquaad down like an appetizer 
wiener ... and then ..."  Shrek looked over at Fiona.

"And then ..." she echoed, her voice dropping to a whisper as her 
eyes met his.

"True Love's Kiss," Shrek said, his voice dropping to match hers.

"Then at last ..." Fiona concluded, gesturing to herself "... Love's 
True Form."

"Yeah," Donkey added happily, "and then she said, 'I don't understand 
-- I'm 'sposed to be beautiful!'"

"DON-KEY!" both Shrek and Fiona said in unison, turning toward Donkey 
with frustrated glares.

"What'd I say? What'd I say?" Donkey asked, surprised and confused.

Moyre chuckled.  "So ye STILL thought -- even after all that -- that 
for your happily ever after -- even with SHREK -- ye had t'be human?"

Fiona sighed deeply, then explained, "Whatever feelings Shrek had 
built for me, he had built them while I was in human form.  Recall 
what I said earlier about the stories of 'beasts' falling in love 
with beautiful human maidens.  Although he had accepted me -- in ANY 
form -- I thought that he'd still prefer the beautiful human 
princess.  But then he looked at me -- just as I am now -- and said -- 
and said 'You ARE beautiful' ..." Fiona paused as her voice began 
to crack.  She took a moment to recompose herself, wiped away a tear 
that had escaped during this particular recollection, then continued 
"... and then a whole new world opened up for me.  And the most 
wonderful part of it was ... I'd get to explore it with your son as 
guide and fellow traveler."

"I see," Moyre said reflectively.  "But ye didn't choose --"

"Oh, criminy, Mom!" Shrek blurted.  "She chose ME.  She was a 
beautiful human princess who literally had men dying to wed her and 
she chose ME.  After all her dreams and plans and expectations, after 
being raised t'regard ogres like she was, she still looked past all 
that and loved me for who I AM.  Ye should be HAPPY for me."

"I AM happy for ye, Shreklecheh," Moyre replied, "it's just that --"

"Just nothing!" Shrek interrupted.  "Like Fiona said, I didn't even 
KNOW about her ogress side when I stormed into that church.  I fell 
in love with her for who she WAS, not for what she looked like.  And 
if she'd been fully human, and still accepted me, then that woulda 
been fine with me. But you know what my first words were when I saw 
her change?  I said, 'that explains a lot.'  'Cause it DID.  It 
explained mosta the way she'd been acting.  The physical change only 
confirmed what the belch and the weedrats and all the rest hinted at 
... that hidden inside that human body was a person who was every bit 
the ogre *I* was -- and yet much more!"

Moyre sighed.  "Shreklecheh, I just --"

"And ye wanna talk more about CHOOSING, Mom?" Shrek continued; his 
blood was up and he was on a roll.  "Back in Far Far Away, when I was 
taking that potion to change us both to human -- which I was doing 
because *I* misread certain signals -- ye know what she was doing?  
She was walking out on her parents -- telling them she was going back 
to the swamp with ME.  She chose ME then.  And then the next night, 
she had t'make the choice of a lifetime.  She had her destiny put in 
her hands then, and coulda chose for us to continue on as humans, 
move into her family castle and try and live the 'happily ever after' 
that she'd dreamed of and been raised t'expect.  But she didn't do 
that.  She chose for us both to resume our ogre forms -- and our 
lives together HERE.  If it wasn't for Fiona's choice, Mom, I 
wouldn't even BE an ogre today!"

"Yes you would," Fiona corrected.  "But the ogre would have been 
hidden within a human shell.  And you would have been expected to 
keep that ogre 'in check'."  She chuckled.  "Sorry, dear.  Been 
there, done that.  I didn't want to wish it back on myself, and I 
certainly didn't want to wish it on YOU."

"Yeah, it was awfully sweet, seein' the two of 'em then," Donkey 
added.  Then he sighed and said, "Still, sometimes I wished she's 
kissed him anyway, so I'd still be a stallion."

Shrek and Fiona looked over at him.  "What're ye TAKING about, 
Donkey?" Shrek asked.  "Whether Fiona and I kissed or not didn't 
affect YOU."

Donkey's eyebrows knitted in confusion.  "It DIDN'T?  But I just 
assumed --"

"Well, ye know what they say about assuming," Shrek said, and a 
corner of his mouth curled into a grin as he saw Fiona give him a 
look of mock reproof.  "Weren't ye paying attention when I read the 
potion's instructions?  It affected the drinker and their True Love.  
So when I drank it, it affected Fiona.  And when you drank it ..."  
Shrek stopped, then looked over at his wife.  "That's funny," he 
said.  "I hadn't thought of that before."

"Dragon!" Fiona said, and expressions of curiosity spread across both 
ogres' faces. Then they both looked over to Donkey.  "Donkey, you 
changed back because you didn't kiss Dragon before midnight," Fiona 
said.  "But -- when you changed into a stallion -- what did Dragon 
change into?"

An even more perplexed look crossed the equine's features.  "I don't 
know," he said.  "She never told me.  And ... well, since I didn't 
think she was affected, I never thought to ask her."

Shrek and Fiona looked back at each other and both raised inquisitive 
eyebrows.

"Oh, well," Fiona said, turning back to Donkey.  "In any event, I'm 
sure that Dragon was glad to have you back, just as you were meant to 
be, the donkey she fell in love with."

"Oh, heck, no!" Donkey said.  "When I told her what happened to ME, 
she said she wished I'd stayed a stallion!"  Shrek and Fiona looked 
at each other again, smiled and shook their heads as Donkey 
continued, "She said she's always had a thing for stallions.  Said it 
really broke her heart when she'd see one a'gallopin' up to her 
castle and she'd have to roast them along with the knight that rode 
in on 'em.  Oh, well, what can ya say?  A job's a job."
	
"So ... your lifemate really IS a ... DRAGON?" Moyre asked the small 
animal, her tone incredulous.

"Hard to believe, ain't it?" Donkey asked.  "Well, you know what they 
say, love's full'a surprises."

"And you thought WE had a mixed marriage, eh, Moyre?" Fiona said, 
unable to resist getting a small dig in at her mother-in-law.

The intensity of the icy glare that Moyre shot back at Fiona in 
response took the younger ogress by surprise.  Fiona cast her eyes 
over at Groyl to gauge his response, but his eyes were on his wife, a 
wary expression on his face as he sipped broth from his spoon. Fiona 
then looked over at Shrek, but her husband was again staring down at 
his own bowl, an abashed expression on his face.  Fiona felt as if 
she'd just committed some embarrassing ogre faux pas.

"That's true," Moyre finally replied, her tone one of restrained 
rebuke.  "Some marriages are more mixed than others.  But others are 
mixed enough."

As Fiona tried to mentally unpack Moyre's cryptic comment, the elder 
ogress took another spoonful of stew.  Immediately Moyre's face 
puckered in disgust and she spat the bite back into her bowl. As the 
three other ogres and Donkey watched with shocked curiosity, Moyre 
took her spoon and fished something out of the bite she had just 
expelled.  She held it up.  "What's THIS?" she asked.

It was obvious what it was, but Fiona replied anyway, blushing 
somewhat.  "It's a mushroom."

"But it's not a slimy black mushroom!" Moyre said. 

"Well, no," Fiona conceded, blushing more deeply.  "I --"

"Odd Ends Stew should ONLY be made with slimy black mushrooms!" Moyre 
said critically.

"We ran out, so I told her t'use moldy yellow ones," Shrek said, 
taken somewhat aback himself.

"YOU did?" Moyre asked.  "But I thought Fiona made the stew."

"I DID," Fiona said, "but ... well, I yield to advice from Shrek.  
He's the real culinary expert in the family.  He's been trying to 
teach me all the ogre specialties.  Things like Fish Eyes Tar-Tar, 
Swamp Toad Soup --"

"Swamp Toad Soup?  Really?" Moyre asked, surprised.  "And the 
implications of cannibalism doesn't bother ye?"

"MOYRE!!" Groyl bellowed.  But it was too late.

All eyes now focused on Fiona.  The ogress simply gawked, mouth and 
eyes wide open, at Moyre for several seconds -- several very silent 
seconds -- as if she couldn't believe what her mother-in-law had 
said.  Then Fiona's mouth closed and set, and her eyes narrowed.  A 
rumbling could be heard in her throat, and she began to tremble with 
building rage.  Her hands began to ball into fists so tightly that 
everyone could hear her knuckles cracking.

"Uh ... Fiona ... sweetheart ..." Shrek began, trying to sound 
soothing, but it was soon apparent she wasn't listening to him.

Fiona finally exploded.  "THAT'S IT!!" she yelled, and with both 
fists pounded the table before her with such force that it was a 
credit to Shrek's workmanship that it didn't splinter right there.  
As it was,  the table bounced on all four of its legs, and all the 
bowls of stew sitting on the table leapt into the air, spilling most 
of their remaining contents.  In the case of Donkey's lighter salad 
bowl, it actually flipped in the air and landed upside-down on the 
top of his snout, spilling the remainder of its contents there.

Fiona was oblivious to the consequences of her blow to the table.  
Her attention was focused like a laser beam elsewhere.  She sprang up 
from her seat, sending her chair toppling backwards behind her.  Her 
eyes narrowed further, her upper lip curled back from her teeth, and 
she jabbed her right index finger directly towards Moyre as she 
spoke, or rather spat, words that came flooding out like water from a 
dam that had just burst.

"LOOK," Fiona said, "I've tried my BEST to get along with you since 
your arrival for Shrek's sake.  Heaven KNOWS he put up with a lot 
when we first visited my father.  And I'm sorry if my human origins 
upset some stuck-up sense of ... of ... of OGRE-HOOD that you can't 
seem to get past, even for your son's sake.  Hey, I've been on both 
sides.  And since I openly adopted this form, I've been on the 
receiving end of a few mindless assaults by ignorant villagers, too.  
I admit that must have been just a TASTE of what YOU all must have 
grown up with, and so I've been willing to overlook most of your 
snide little humaphobic gibes.  But when you start insulting my OWN 
family, and mock my father because of HIS condition ... well, lady, 
you just crossed a line!  If you don't like me, then FINE, but not 
because of what my parents are --"

"But that's just IT!" Moyre shot back as she stood as well.  "It's 
not what your parents ARE, but what they are NOT!  It's THAT that 
makes all the difference, as I'm sure ye well know!"

"MOM!" Shrek tried to intervene.

Fiona was still furious, but now she was becoming confused as well.  
"What are you TALKING about?!" she demanded of her mother-in-law.

"Surely Shreklecheh has TOLD ye!" Moyre asserted.

Fiona's blazing eyes shot down towards her husband, who quickly 
looked away, blushing deeply.  "TOLD ME WHAT?!" she demanded, as much 
of him as of her.

"HOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY MARRIED!" Moyre responded.

Fiona's eyes shot back to Moyre, but their fire had suddenly gone 
out.  Her flushed skin suddenly dropped its hue until it looked 
nearly pale.

Then the fire in Moyre's eyes went out as well.  "Oh m'God!" she 
gasped, "He DIDN'T tell ye, did he?"

Fiona looked down at Shrek, who had gone as pale as she and was still 
looking away uncomfortably.  "Shrek," she asked, her voice now just 
above a whisper, "is this true?"
	
"Of COURSE not!" he suddenly bellowed, looking back up at her.  "We 
were married in a proper ceremony --"

"A proper HUMAN ceremony," Moyre corrected.

"Humans weren't the only ones there!" Shrek retorted.

"But it was NOT an OGRE ceremony!" Moyre said.

"It was perfectly legal and binding!" Shrek countered.

"But not SANCTIONED by ogre marriage tradition!" Moyre responded.  
"As such, your marriage cannot be recognized as valid by the ogre 
community!"

"Well, the 'ogre community' can go take a flying leap into the 
deepest, darkest swamp on this PLANET!" Shrek sneered.  "Fiona and I 
are --"  Here Shrek looked over to Fiona, and noticed that she was 
staring off into space and trembling again, although not with anger 
this time.  He saw her knees were about to buckle, and so he quickly 
reached down and lifted her chair back up a split second before she 
collapsed into it.  She looked over at him, apparently in a daze.

"Is this it ... the secret you were going to tell me?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, then added in as reassuring a tone as possible, "but 
it doesn't matter.  Fiona, we ARE wed.  Legally, and more important 
than that, spiritually.  Some stupid, outdated, idiotic ogre customs 
don't matter diddly squat!"

"If they didn't matter," Fiona asked, "then why didn't you simply 
tell me before?"

Shrek blushed again.  "I thought ... I was afraid ... it WOULD matter 
... to YOU."

A sad, ironic smile played on Fiona's lips.  "Well ... you thought 
right."

Moyre also sat.  "Oh, Fiona," she said, her voice actually taking on 
a tone of commiseration.  "I'm sorry.  I thought ye knew, and simply 
chose t'go through this human ceremony anyway." Moyre looked 
reproachfully over at Shrek as she added.  "It was HIS responsibility 
t'tell ye."

"Oh, Moyre, please!" Groyl said impatiently.  "They're young, and 
they're in love.   Have ye forgotten how impetuous ye can be in such 
circumstances?"

"But it's her future, and her children --" Moyre began, then, seeing 
Groyl flash her a particularly cross look, stopped talking.

But Fiona had picked up on where Moyre was going.  "Our children," 
Fiona continued, her voice distant and shell-shocked, "will not be 
regarded as ... authentic ogres by the ogre community.  Will they?"

Moyre responded by giving a Fiona a pained but sympathetic look, and 
then dropping her eyes.

They all sat in silence for several seconds, then Donkey spoke up.  
"Ah, waitaminute," he said tentatively.  "If I might venture a dumb 
animal question here, if this ogre-type ceremony is so all-fired 
important, why don'cha just HAVE one?  Get married AGAIN.  There's no 
LAW against it, is there?"

Fiona looked over at Donkey, and felt herself brighten somewhat.  
Again, another gem of horse sense seemed to have come forth from 
their equine friend as he appeared to have derived a direct and 
simple solution.  She looked towards her in-laws, but saw that they 
were not sharing her glimmer of hope.

It was Groyl who, seeing the desperate question reflected in Fiona's 
eyes, answered her this time.  "I'm afraid, dear, that ogre marriage 
ceremonies are by tradition only performed for ogres who are of pure 
... well, who have parents who are both ogres as well.  There are no 
... mixed marriages allowed.  That's what Moyre was referring to 
earlier."

Fiona now felt her spirits drop even lower than before.  She looked 
over at Shrek and saw his pained expression as he looked back at her, 
groping for words to say.

"Fiona," he began, "I --"

"I'm shut out, aren't I?" she interrupted, her voice listless and 
resigned.

"What?"

"I'll never be accepted.  No matter how hard I try, I can't be.  And 
our children will bear my stigma."

"Fiona, that's nonsense!  Our children will be proud ogres, and we 
don't need the sanction of some close-minded, outmoded institution to 
give them OR you authenticity!  Ye've already earned it through the 
strength of your character!"

Fiona sat quietly for a few moments as tears began to well in her 
eyes.  Then with a loud sob she shot up out of her chair and ran into 
their bedroom.  She stopped as she crossed its threshold, looked back 
and saw Shrek following her.  She grabbed the door and slammed it 
nearly in his face, then after pausing for a second, threw closed the 
bolt that latched the door.  A moment later she heard Shrek try the 
doorknob in vain, then heard his desperate knock on the door.  
"Fiona!" he called.  "Fiona, please!  We need t'talk about this!  
Fiona!"

Fiona backed away from the door, then turned and threw herself onto 
the bed.  She grabbed one of the pillows and covered her face again, 
but this time for a much longer period of time as she poured forth an 
incessant torrent of tears and muffled wails.