CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. Chips, however, never die. No matter how soft they get.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Most people think this is acceptable. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

FROZEN FOODS: Foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat may be spoiled.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. They are not usually particularly green, or really, really soft. The 'eyes' are generally not larger than the potato itself.*****Note to our former Vice-President--I spelled it both ways just for you.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it's label, it's probably done.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keeping a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this, may, or may not be necessary.
Users/hamsters may vary.

GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).