I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some us don't have film.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do they say, "Quit while you're ahead?!"
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops…on my desk I have a work station.
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what is a Foghorn made of?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Why is it you never hear about people acting chalant when they are nervous or upset about something?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, but instead succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made of the stuff?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "the whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How come when you buy a jar of preservatives, on the label it says, "No Preservatives?"
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called "buildings" when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts?"
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you get into a taxi and driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a "near miss?" It sounds like a "near hit" to me.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it when a door is open it's "ajar," but when a jar is open it's not "adoor?"
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of progress?
Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash with bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4’s"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty liter?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Do Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What does Geranamo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
How come cargo is transported by ship, and when you ship something, it goes by car?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners?
Would you care if a man you're planning to kill, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
What clinic did Betty Ford go to?
What year did Jesus think it was?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. What happens when you turn on the headlights?
How come people offer a penny for your thoughts, when everyone wants to put their two cents in?
Doesn't reckless and reckful mean the same thing?
I don't get it, I saw a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love peace and quiet"
If the Super bowl cut out the commercials, would people still watch?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Why do people try to get a front row parking spot at health lodges, when they go there to exercise?
What's another word for thesaurus?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me…they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
Go ahead and take risks…just be sure that everything will turnout OK.
Strange! No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "Honk" if you're telepathic.
Why there's no butter in buttermilk, no egg in eggplant, no grapes in a grapefruit, neither peas or nuts in peanuts, and no ham in a hamburger?
One goose, two geese…so one moose two meese?
If a firefighter fights fires, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How can your house can simultaneously burn up and burn down?
How can you fill out a form by filling it in, or why you add up a column of figures by adding them down?
How come your nose runs and your feet smell.
Why is it that a slim chance and a fat chance can mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.
Why is it called a hot water heater…who heats hot water?
Who called it daylight savings time when not a single second of daylight is saved?
Why do we call it a freeway when it costs over a million dollars a mile?
Why is it called rush hour when nobody's going anywhere?
Why is it that a non-stop flight eventually stops?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
How do astronauts use the bathroom in space?
What's so French about French fries?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes?"
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find my own way).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
Definition of Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps?"
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit?"
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat?" If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you have any Deep Thoughts of your own, then feel free to e-mail me.
