Just Once

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Just Once

I'm an idiot.

I'm a coward.

What would she want with an idiot and coward anyway?

Anakin felt the nervous flutters rise from his stomach again. He forced them back down with an angry sigh, but couldn't help feeling slightly light-headed from his jitters. What had happened to the implacable resolve he left his room with? Why was he standing there, like a fool, in the hallway outside her door?

He had promised himself that he would do this. For years he had promised himself that. He couldn't possibly back out now. He'd never forgive himself if he did.

But what about her? Would she forgive him? Would she think there was anything to forgive?

I'm an idiot.

He didn't want to risk their friendship over this. Really, what would one kiss get him?

He wasn't even sure how it started. At some point, years ago, he realized that it would be a very long while before he was grown-up enough for Amidala to notice him. The revelation should have upset him, but it hadn't, not really. He would get there eventually, and he could be her friend in the meantime. It was probably the only time he had truly exhibited the patience Obi-Wan had so desperately tried to teach him. She wouldn't notice him until he was grown up? Fine. He picked a nice round number – eighteen – and spent many days dreaming about what it would be like to be an adult, to sweep her off her feet, to live happily ever after with his Queen.

Over time, the daydreams boiled down to a specific action. He would turn eighteen, and he would kiss her.

It seemed simple enough. One action that he could focus on, one hope to sustain him. Even if none of the other dreams came true, and nothing else worked out…he could kiss her and hold her just once. One time.

Or so he had told himself for years.

And now, here he was on Naboo, on his eighteenth birthday, too terrified to knock on her door.

I'm a coward.

He hadn't realized how fiercely he had held onto to that promise. Unfortunately, he had made it to himself when he was too young to know how complicated this would be, long before he realized that things didn’t always work out the way they did in his dreams. Still, he felt compelled to fulfill it.

Some part of him thought that maybe, just maybe, this was what she wanted too. But it was hard to tell for sure. Had she really been staring at him? Did she blush when he hugged her? Was she nervous when they talked? Too many years of wishful thinking left him wondering if he was simply projecting.

If he were wrong…walking into her room and kissing her would definitely be crossing a line. Still, to be honest, he was almost fully certain that their friendship would survive, even in that case. She would understand. But doing something simply because he knew he could get away with it…that wasn't exactly how he wanted this to play out.

I'm an idiot.

This was ridiculous. Either he would march in there and do this, or he would run back to his room and try to convince himself that childish fantasies weren't worth angering or upsetting his best friend over.

The only woman he would ever love.

Anakin closed his eyes, took a deep breath and walked to her door. He rang the buzzer.

*****

"Anakin!" She looked surprised – but pleased – to see him. She likely thought he had retired for the night.

She was so beautiful.

Anakin smiled, or at least he tried to. His head was buzzing.

Amidala said something to him – but he hadn't realized she was speaking until she had finished the sentence. Her eyebrows furrowed at him quizzically.

Say something! He couldn't just keep standing there, staring at her. "Huh? What did you say?"

She shook her head and laughed a little. "Aren't you coming in?" She turned to head back into the room.

Anakin saw her walking off and panicked. If she even got a few steps away, he would never regain the courage to try this again.

He took her arm and pulled her back to him. He had a second to register the look of surprise on her face before his lips were on hers.

The kiss was much more clumsy than he had intended. He wasn't sure if this really counted as sweeping her off her feet…but it didn't matter. He was soaring. He was electrified. His heart was racing, and he was sure –

"Oh…excuse me."

Anakin jerked back and looked up at a frowning Panaka. A blush slowly worked up his face.

Amidala, on the other hand, appeared as though nothing had happened at all. "What is it, Captain?"

Panaka glanced curiously at both of them, and then proceeded to give Amidala some off-world message, from some off-world leader. Anakin heard nothing. He was too busy berating himself.

Eight years of planning, and he couldn't even think to step inside the doorway so that every security guard in the Palace wouldn't have the chance to catch them.

I'm an idiot.

But I'm not a coward.

That thought was somewhat comforting. But oh, how he was dreading the end of Amidala and Panaka's conversation. He had no clue how she planned to react to him. Well…as long as she didn't slap him, he'd be fine. Of course, Anakin thought to himself, I could pretend to be optimistic. After all, she hadn't exactly shoved him away…

"Thank you, Panaka. Good night."

"Good night, Your Highness." Panaka waited a moment, as though he expected Anakin to leave with him. Then he shrugged and walked down the hallway.

Anakin wasn't facing her, but could feel her move away, and into her chambers. He cleared his throat, glanced at her and said, "Well, I guess I may as well come in now, huh?"

Her response was to raise her eyebrows at him.

Oh boy. He walked in, hearing the door softly shut behind him. "Amidala, I –"

She kissed him then.

Anakin lost track of everything around him. He didn't know how long they stood there like that. He only knew that it was long enough for them to melt into the embrace, long enough for him to put his arms around her waist and pull her closer, long enough for her to run her fingers through his hair.

Long enough for him to forget why he had been so afraid to do this in the first place.

When they finally broke off the kiss, she placed her forehead to his and smiled. "So, I take it this was some sort of spur-of-the-moment thing."

"If thinking about this every moment since I met you counts as spur-of-the-moment…"

Amidala tried not to laugh. Then her face turned more serious. "Anakin, I wanted to tell you…I just didn't know how."

"Kissing me works just fine." He smoothed her hair, and cupped her face. "I'm glad I did this," he whispered.

Amidala smirked. "I'm glad I was worth the wait." And their lips met again.

Somewhere in his soul, Anakin heaved a sigh a relief and felt a joyful release. Happily ever after with his Queen couldn't be far behind.