Ryan wakes up, brushing off numerous empty beer cans. He stumbles into some decent clothes he finds under the bed and staggers out the door. He jumps on his bike and races down the street to Amir's house.

Amir waits impatiently on his front porch, at the sight of Ryan speeding down the road, his first thought is to chuck gravel at his tires for being late...but he rethinks it and decides it'll have to wait. Perched on the handlebars of Ryan's bike, the two head to Bobby's house.

Paige cruises the streets in his pimp-mobile with Videodrone blasting, causing the elderly people on their porches to bang their canes and yell obscenities at him. Paige spots a tall, thin figure heavily laden in makeup slumped up against a telephone pole. He pulls up to the curb and yells at the person. "Yo Bitch! Get in the car!"

As the person pulls themself up and makes their way to the car, Paige reapplies some eyeliner. He delicately strokes his eyes with the pencil and exclaims "Where's my money Ho?!" He then notices in the reflection of the mirror that the figure is in fact not a woman.

"Oh, it's you Jay" Paige dumps his makeup in Jay's lap and hits the gas.

Bobby opens the door to his four friends and ushers them in.

"It's about time you got here you lazyasses" he blurts as he hands out a few bags of cheezy poofs in which Paige lays claim to immediatly.

Struggling with Paige for a morsel, Jay asks "Whats this all about Bobby?" "Give me one you fatass son of a bitch!"

Paige crams a handful of poofs all over Jay's perfectly white shirt.

Paige-"HAHA!!!"

Jay-"You Asshole!"

Bobby smacks Paige upside the head. "I found a map out in the backyard yesterday."

Amir smirks "A map? What is it of, Gilligan?"

Quickly glaring at Amir and reaverting his attention to Jay "It's a treasure map."

Amir busts out laughing.

Ryan giggles causing poof crumbs to sprinkle onto his shirt.

Jay-"A treasure map? Come on, man, that's lame"

A bit discouraged, Bobby defends himself "No, man, it's real, it has to be!" He points to the back of the map which clearly states "Acme Authentic Treasure Map".

Ryan grows wide-eyed "Woah, then it must be real!"

Bobby grins with pride and smirks "I know ."

"So what are we waiting for?" asks Paige, whos mouth is full of cheezy poofs making him barely understandable.

"Nothing man, let's go" Bobby jumps up and snatches Paige's bags of poofs. "Dude! Don't wipe that cheese shit on the couch! Shannon will kill me!"

Paige shoves the last few poofs in his mouth, licks his fingers and runs out the door after them.

The five guys all jump in Paige's pimp-mobile and Paige quickly hides his Allanis Morisette CD under the driver's seat.

They cruise down the road as Bobby directs which way for Paige to drive.

After seemingly five hundred questions of "Are we there yet?!" and "Can we stop for ice-cream?!" Bobby finally yells to Paige "Stop here!"

Paige halts the car in front of a small, dark, and run-down restaurant.

"It's about time, man, I really gotta piss!" Ryan calls out as he runs into the woods.

Amir cautiously walks up to the front of the restaurant for a good look. "Dude, man, this place freaks me out, maybe we should just head back to Bobby's and rent some pornos."

Bobby leaps from the car "No way man! We gotta get the treasure! Don't you have any sense of adventure!"

Amir rolls his eyes. "I don't like adventures" Ryan whines as he emerges from the woods zipping up. "It's scary in those woods, I think a squirrel tried to molest me!"

Ryan stands behind Jay for protection and peers out over his shoulder watching out for pervert squirrels.

Jay chuckles "Ryan, you're full of it man. Come on Bobby, let's check this joint out."

They walk up the front steps and Paige glances over into the garage.

"Hey! Check out that car Amir! It's like Bonnie and Clyde! Bullet holes and all!"

Amir begins to rethink what he's getting into, but realizes that not even bullet holes weren't gonna keep Bobby from finding this treasure. He catches up with the guys, careful not to look back.

Bobby knocks on the door, the force of the impact send spiders and dust sprinkling down on them. They give each other worried looks.

A tubby, old, bitter woman opens the door. "WHAT DO YA WANT!?"

The group jumps back a bit, but Bobby steps up. "Uh, um....this is a restaurant right?"

The woman's face lightens a bit. "Well, sorta, come on in boys." She yells over her shoulder in her husky voice "Kevin, we got costomers, show these boys to their table! "

Kevin is a tall croney lookin guy with big eyebrows...not unlike the guy from the Backstreet Boys. He leads them down the hall. Music can be heard and the closer the get to the end of the hall, the louder it gets.

Kevin opens the door and the five guys grow wide-eyed and their mouths hang open in wonder.

"A NUDIE BAR!!!" Ryan cries in excitement.

The guys waste no time and are quickly busy watching, tipping, and requesting favors of the strippers.

Suddenly Ryan cries out, "I gotta go again!"

"Man you just went!" Jay exclaims, quite annoyed.

Ryan-"Ya, but that beer just goes right through me dude."

Ryan is in search of a bathroom, he goes down some stairs to the underground floor. He looks down the long halls but he can't find one. Turning a corner he hears yelling and the jingling of heavy chains. He traces the noises from a large wooden door with a barred window. Peering in, he can see another big tall croney, only he has red hair...not unlike the guy from N*SYNC. He seems to be teasing a man chained to a chair. The chained man is furious and thrusts his arms about. Joey leaves the chained man's meal just out of his reach and leaves the room. Ryan hurridly hides in a corner until Joey goes back upstairs, then Ryan rushes to tell his friends...right after he pisses in the corner.

Over the dance music, and Paige's loud whooping, Ryan explains to Bobby, Amir, and Jay what he has just seen.

Bobby looks as though he has an idea "Theyre's a bottom floor to this place?!"

Not taking his eyes off the stripper, Ryan mumbles "Uh..ya.." Tucks a buck in the woman's G-string.

Looking at everyone and full of energy "You guys! The treasure must be hidden in the basement or something, that's why the map led us here! Come on, let's go check it out!"

Amir, Jay, and Ryan all groan with disapproval and Paige has to be dragged away. "Aw come on you guys! She was about to take it off!"

The guys all search patiently for the treasure in every corner and loose floorboard. Just when they were about to give up, Ryan whines "O man, I gotta piss again."

Bobby-"God damnit Ryan! Lay off the fucking beer!"

Ryan crosses his legs and does the infamous "pee pee dance" , "I can't help it man, that dripping water is just makin' it unbearable!"

Bobby pauses and looks up "Dripping water?"

Amir looks around "Ya, its comin from that water drain over there."

Bobby leaps up "That's where the map points too! There must be a tunnel! Come on, we can fit down here! "

Paige gives nervous glances as he sees the little drain he's supposed to be able to fit through.

Ryan wanders about again searching for the long lost bathroom, he finds a door, which he opens, not to find a toilet, but a refrigerated room full of beer, his eyes grow wide with happiness. "BEEEEEEEER!!!!!! German Beer! Irish Beer! American Beer!" Just as he reaches for a frosty bottle, a large object thumps up against him. Ryan freezes immediately, then slowly turns his head....

"OH MY JAYSUS!"

The guys all turn to his direction and Amir calls "What is it Ryan??"

"A dead dude! Man! It's a freakin dead guy! Those cronies and that old battleax killed a guy and crammed him in here!!! Get me outta here!!!!"

Suddenly, the voices of the two cronies can be heard.

"Hurry up! Theyre coming!" cries Jay who isn't thinking clearly as he slams the door, closing Ryan in with the dead man. Ryan moans "Oh man, I need drugs."

Amir, Jay, and Bobby squeeze through quickly, but Paige takes his time, careful not to get stuck.

Jay-"Dude, Paige! Hurry up they're coming!"

Paige strains"I'm trying! This drain is so small!"

Paige finally squirms free and drops to the bottom along with the others.

Underneath the drain, the remaining four guys find themselves in a cavern. Bobby carefully studies the map. "This way" They all troop down into the dark tunnel.

Amir trips "Damnit Jay! I tripped on your freakin clodhoppers again!" Looking down, he realizes that it wasn't Jay's hideously ugly boot, it was a hideously ugly skeleton. Amir shrieks like Ryan at an AAA meeting.

Upon closer inspection, they find and swipe dynamite, a key, and a wallet on the remains.

Jay studies the man's driver's license "Woah, this guy is like a million years old. Haha, check it out, he has some ho's phone number, dare ya to call her up Amir!"

Amir, somewhat disgusted "No way man, that's sick, she's probably all wrinkly and shit...is there a credit card in there?! We'll be fuckin rich if there is!"

Leaving the corpse behind, they keep walking, keeping an eye out for danger...and Jay's big ass feet.

The cold is beginning to get to Ryan and the dead guy is hardcore freaking him out, and he wonders if the old woman and her cronies have left yet. Once it becomes quiet again, Ryan cautiously creeps out of the refridgerator. Seeing no one around, he bolts out of the restaurant as fast as he can in his platform shoes.

He races up the road and waves at the first passing car-which immediately stops. Out of breath, Ryan falls onto the car window and hurridly explains his situation. "Ya, ya gotta help me, we were at this creepy restaurant with these scary people, and there was this creepy guy, and beer, and dead guy, and and ...." It is now that Ryan looks at the driver...only to realize that it is the old woman with Kevin in the passanger seat and Joey in the back. He has no time to react before he's captured.

They bring poor little Ryan back into the restaurant, and set him down at a table.

"Wahhhhh I need beer, and this seat is cold!" he whines.

The fat old woman grouches back "Shut up you ingrate! Tell me what you're friends are doing!!! You're gonna turn us in to the cops aren't ya! AREN'T YA!???"

Ryan feeblily answers "n.n..no."

Kevin grabs Ryan by the hair and jerks back his head "Oh really?!"

Joey suddenly grows worried and pulls Kevin off Ryan "Don't! You'll mess up his beautiful hair!!"

The woman and Kevin give Joey evil glares for the remark.

Meanwhile, Ryan refuses to blab and the group ponders on how to make him talk.

Ryan cowers in his chair and looks about with fear.

Kevin for once has a decent idea "LET'S CUT HIS BALLS OFF!"

Ryan gives out a blood-curdling scream. " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT THAT!!!"

Kevin pulls out a large sharp knife and unzips Ryan's pants - much to Joey's delight. "Tell us everything! Or you loose em!" Kevin threatens.

Ryan cannot withstand the pressure "Okay, okay!!! In second grade, I liked this girl, but so did Jay, so I pinched Paige's butt and blamed it on Jay, so Paige kicked his ass. Then, then, in 5th grade, I puked all over myself in art class cause the paint fumes really got to me...then just last year Amir put laxative in my.." Kevin interupts "Shut up!"

Joey pouts.

The old woman hovers over Ryan, putting her haggard face right in front of Ryan "Tell me what your friends are doing."

Ryan whimpers, clutching his nuts "They're, going, going...to to to find treasure. Bobby found a map, and and..." Kevin removes the knife and Ryan sighs in relief.

The woman seems satisfied, "Enough outta you. Joey! Grab his little white ass!"

Joey gleefully pinches Ryan's butt.

Ryan jumps "Ouch!!"

The fat old woman sighs in disgust "Not literally you half-witt, just throw him in the box...we're going after his punkass friends."

Before he could muster a scream of fright, he was thrust into the room with the chained man.

Ryan lurks in the shadows, afraid of the man in chains, but eventually, his curiousity consumes him. He walks out in front of the man, a dim stream of yellow light beams down on the man's face from a small window in the wall. Ryan is in shock, before him is a disgustingly horrible face that will not allow him to look away. The messy brown hair, snaggle teeth, dumbfounded look, and goony eye...wait, Ryan knew who this was!

"Thom!" Ryan exclaims. "Thom from Radiohead!"

"Why yes, nice to meet you." Thom politely answers in his heavy british accent.

"What are you doing in here?" Ryan inquires.

"Oh, I'm Kevin and Joey's brother, they lock me in here, saying it's for my own good."

Ryan frowns, "I'm sorry. Look, we gotta get outta here, my friends are in trouble.

After a bit of walking, the guys come across a underground waterfall.

"It's beautiful!" Bobby exclaims while putting his arm around Paige with a pride-filled smile. Paige's face grows solumn as he stares into the crystal pool. Amir notices that the pool is in fact, at the bottom of the wishing well. "Check it out! Free money!!!!" Jay leaps in after Amir "Dude! They're's enough here to buy a whole bottle of vodka! With maybe enough left over for a pack of condoms!!" Amir-"Yeah!!!"

Suddenly, Bobby intervines. "You guys! You can't take these coins! These are peoples wishes!" Amir and Jay look at each other rolling their eyes, stuffing the coins already in their hands into their pockets. Paige leans down, and picks up a coin. "You know what? This one, this one right here, this was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true. So I'm takin' it back. I'm takin' 'em all back. " The others remain silent, until Bobby scoops up a pocketful of change, followed by the others. Jay-"Paige, man, you are so full of it."

Voices can be heard above and a coin is tossed down the well, hitting Amir in the head. Amir-"God damnit!"

"Who's up there!?" Amir yells, hoping the person could help them get out of this hellhole, and perhaps have a wet towel nappe to wipe off the mud. A startled voice from above yells down "It's Michelle, is that you Amir? Tell Paige that he didn't do the laundry like I asked, so don't be expecting to be gettin' any tonight!" She leaves.

Jay and Bobby bust out in laughter as Paige turns bright red.

Amir grumbles "God damnit Paige, now we have no way out." "Come on, let's go you guys." Bobby says in defense, pausing to let everyone reapply their makeup.

The woman and her cronies have discovered the drain that the guys squeezed through and it's only a matter of time before they're on their trail. The Orgy guys have no idea they're being followed, or that they're missing 90210 *shhh don't tell, we have to finish the story*

Soon, the guys all come to a fork in the passage. "According to the map, " Bobby informs"This way" (points to left) "is the long, hard way, while this way" (points to right)" is the short, easy way." Without any thought, they all pile on downt the tunnel on the right side. "O look! they even swept out most of the dust for us!" Jay exclaims joyfully.

Back in the restaurant, Ryan coaxes Thom into using his superhuman Radiohead strength to break free from his chains, and they both head down the drain after Orgy to warn them of the danger.

Finally, after seemingly eight thousand paragraphs of this lame story, the boys find an opening. "It's a water slide!" They all cry. Paige gives nervous glances as he sees the little slide he's supposed to be able to fit in.

Bobby, Amir, and Jay slide down easily down into the water; Paige takes his time. They all swim over to an old pirate's boat floating in the large underground lagoon, climb up it's ladder and stand on it's deck.

"Well, there wasn't any danger after all" Amir says "Not-a-one". "Ya" Jay muses "No booby-traps." Paige butts in "We did so see boobies!!" Bobby explains "No, Paige, booby traps ." Paige still looks confused. "Well this was easier than I thought, so...where's the treasure?" Jay asks. They all walk to the back of the boat to find a small herd of wild goats. Paige immediately runs over, petting and cooing them.

Amir is frustrated "Damnit! That's it?! Some lame ass goats?!" Bobby ponders it, "Well, I guess so, let's haul em outta here, Shannon is gonna be pissed if I come home late."

Just then, Joey and Kevin appear, shooting the goats dead. Paige shrieks in horror "FLOPSEY! NANCY!! PAPA GEORGEIO!!! NOOOOOOOO" "Shut yer yap!" the old woman scowls, stepping out from behind her cronies. "You queerbaits ain't gonna rat on us! Take em out guys." Kevin and Joey prepare to rid the world of our beloved Orgy men, until, swinging from a rope above, SuperThom swoops down, kicking Joey and Kevin down. Ryan slides down the mast with a proud grin on his face, which quickly saddens as he joins Paige, finding Papa Georgio the Goat, slain.

"What do we do with em?" Amir inquires. "Let's dump all the goats' bodies on em and set em ablaze....any objections?" Paige and Ryan open their mouths to object, but think better of it. So the huge goat bonfire is created, and the old woman was hurled overboard because the guys were just to lazy and noncreative to think of a better way to kill her off.

SuperThom opens a hole in the rock wall, and all the Orgy boys scamper out, leaving SuperThom to his inevitable fate. "Don't worry Ryan, people that ugly just don't deserve to live." They all pause in their karate poses awaiting the inevitable tree-hugging hippies coming to protest Jay's comment.

They find that the tunnel had led them to the beach, and they walk out into the fading sunlight, tired, disappointed, and frankly, quite a bit pissed off.

"Damnit, Bobby! I wasted my whole Saturday lookin for those stinkinass goats!" Amir yells. Ryan and Paige wail in sorrow and cry on each other's shoulders "Poor poor Flopsey!" Ryan whimpers.

They walk down the beach into the sunset. Their fading conversation ends the adventure. Examining the key they snatched off the dead guy in the cave a while back - Amir asks "I wonder what this key was for?" Paige mutters "Probably for that big treasure chest we all peed on." Tossing the key into the ocean, Amir replies "O yeah, heh."

"Damn, Shannon is gonna kill me, it's late." Bobby points out for the hundreth time. Jay looks up"Hey, man...we missed 90210!" They all curse in unison: "SHIT!"