10.11.99
almost the 12th, but are you really counting? i forgot to send a postcard. but would it have arrived anyway? yeah, i know i'll drop it tomorrow. waiting on that p.i.n. deposits and withdrawls made easy. yeah. but maybe just for another 2 months. i haven't laughed so hard in quite awhile. remembering 4 sodas and 6 mouths. yeah i got a bug stuck in my nappy hair, so fuck you. tonite i walked home from the video store, i felt a cold presence. to my right i looked next to the Blair Witch house and there they fucking were, 5 deer. their black eyes burning right through me. evil beings.
10.12.99
Angel. i watch the WB on tuesday nites. Buffy the series isn't so bad after all, i couldn't help that i took a liking to the movie so much that i wouldn't touch the show. South Street was walked today and my philly subway cherry popped. it was good walking the streets and purchasing a new As Friends Rust ep and a Dillinger Four album. most of the day all ill feelings were forgotten. the morning was spent taking a step in the right direction, towards new friends and activities. involvement is something i long for. i can't apologize to jak enough for the sillyness i've been going through as of late. i hope he understands. he's not one to give up so easily. and i am refusing my giving up from this day foward.
10.13.99
aahh the 13th. yeah i know. not a friday. i have much to speak of today. first of all... if you stole jak’s bike... fuck you. complaints are amusing at my place of business. who really needs to be told that a 4 x 6 photograph will turn grainy when blown up to 16 x 20? yeah obviously some people do. after the words went down between customer and my boss the customer exited.. and seemed somewhat okay with the situation that he wasn’t going to get his money back for the poster he had made. in actuality, it didn’t look bad at all...unless yr laying on top of it. so, customer returns about 10 minutes later. with a mall security guard. ours are actual cops, believe it or not. so.. i look up.. and see the cops name tag.... officer Blatz. i lost it. i ran to the back to get my boss cracking up the whole way. officer blatz was quite perturbed that this customer decided to waste everyones time with something so silly. what was officer blatz to do... force our store to change it’s no refunds on posters, mugs, mousepads etc.. policy? no. reports had to be filled.. and boy was that customer laughed at when he left. now, my third order of business... Dillinger Four is a fucking great band. how come no one ever forced me to listen to them before? i just purchased Midwestern songs of the Americas yesterday... and i’m just loving it. along with the new Asrid Oto 7”... thumbs up to more great Aaron Cometbus words. yeah.. he even mentioned yo-yos. he knows what’s up. my Yomega is my life.
10.15.99
so. what do you do when you find out that yr father's girlfriend is only 6 years older than you? a mere 2 years older than yr boyfriend? i guess you just say "ewww" alot. that's what i've been doing at least. it's funny how a new accessory can bring on new directions towards you. old men saying you are cute. the manager's wife giving compliments. the girls in the botiques not sticking their noses up when you come in to look at sweaters. it's gonna get cold here. i found the fuzziest sweater. but no larges in the color black. just my luck. but i think that's going to change. here's to a new outlook.
10.16.99
i sang on the sidewalk. yeah, right down from the video store. Discount all the way home. i wonder if the cars heard? i couldn't tell. i wasn't looking. for once i was just accepting the beauty of an october nite. crisp-like. and it felt so good to just fucking breathe. i've got to continue to tell myself to quit gasping so much.
10.22.99
it's been awhile. i sometimes wonder when my dissapearances at intake will start to sink in. things to remember: yr bag isn't a football, mirrors are breakable and walls aren't pillowesque. i purchased Blair Witch Project today. i don't predict a viewing tonite. things are just like that. speak down to avoid the mess. like simple. i'm not hiding i swear. i miss kisses.
10.24.99
tap. bang. crash. shadow like noise that i could only hear when i was 10. it comes back sometimes. dart in the blackness, black pupils. but you can't see. there's a time soon in which i'll be so safe. he's like that. radiating a sense of alrightness. exactly. i thought turkey sammiches usually come with cheese. not today.
10.29.99
wet silver polish. it's nice, but not so much for fingers i think. the toes will be done at a later date. ugly toenails. tomorrow. yes, i will have a new stepmother, tomorrow. not an evil one. a young one. one that is actually in my age group. she's 25 and will have a 19 year old stepdaughter and a 13 year old stepson. i can't fathom being in that position when i am that age. ew. what in the hell would i want to be doing with a 45 year old man anyway? Jak is old and wise enough for me. like and owl. LIKE AN OWL! (to quote the State). wish me sweet dreams. i watched Blair Witch all alone. i'm jittery.
12.3.99
i'll try this again, as my first attempt was deleted and i don't know how. just sort of disappeared. so i begin again. with closure to a sweaty palm episode. mysteries, taking me down. they sock me. wind gusts don't buckle you over. take this for what it is, like air. i was promised visits. but they fell through. i was promised ice cream. but they fell asleep. movies. am i getting better at being a sleuth? or maybe Usual Suspects is just too easy to figure out. it's a classic nouveau. but i was bored. and my hoodie is naked due to a misplaced patch i want to sew. so turn on American Steel and dance dance dance.
12.5.99
my fingers will only grace these keys for the time it takes the song Bloody by the 'tone to play. i will stop exactly at the end of the last note. sort of a screech sound. my laughs. i had em. tonite and last. pretty good. just overall jolly. it's strange and exciting. smores. ice cream. coffee and stomach pains. i think i'm gonna have to go decaf. isn't that just the most horrible? it's past bedtime. bedtime was 3 in the afternoon today anyhow. involuntary eye closure. 2 minutes til a magic time. then sleep.
12.9.99
delivery to my door. why not? they do it most every other damn time. there's nothing special. not even priority mail, and i have to go pick up. i can't understand why records can be left on the doorstep, but xxxxxx can't. (subject witheld until after jak gets his goods) and what good goods they are. i find things for him over and over. neglecting the fact that there are other people to buy gifts for. but he's so much more fun than stressing over a fathers gift. a gift that can't say *i love you* but has to have some sort of thoughtfulness behind it. any ideas on what to get a deadbeat dad? this diary drags on through cornfields, like utterly boring. it's time to turn out the lights.
12.12.99
i'll turn myself around so dizzy so maybe the pit of wanting will froth itself up. into something that doesn't just sit like lead. silence is so ear piercing. i do understand. but my fingertips are still like ice. where is my art? not the one i did. but the collage i like to look at and discover new additives about every day?
12.13.99
the art the art the art. hanging where? exhibits... closed? oh please Mr. Bukowski, tonite drown me. the morning dreams came back today. burn them down.
01.16.00
double zeros. finally i write again. the gaps are horrible i know. but really i'd rather be glued to his body than this machine when available. i think my one decision that i've made sort of as a resolution of some sort is to quit supporting things that make me feel like poopie about myself. yes.. this is partly about models and what not. but not all of them. just the ones who solely get paid based on looks alone. not because they need someone to display clothes in a catalog or a normal looking person to display makeup products on and a famous face sells it faster. at least Sarah Michelle Gellar has a hideous nose.. so more power to her and her contract with Maybeline. i enjoy her. yeah maybe this is all jealousy, but when jealousy forces you into fits of rage and self loathing... it's not just a petty emotion anymore. enough bitching for one morning.
1.22.00
there's a semi thick sheet of snow on the ground of philadelphia. well, thick to me.. as i didn't see snow every year in richmond. with eyes of film canisters and a pen nose, a snowman graces the roof of my automobile. i think he's going to be frozen there for quite some time. i hear that another snow is coming tomorrow and again on wednesday. i'm not so sure how i like that. luckily i have an escape route to california in less than a month, for a few days of pure warmth in more ways than just the temperature. i've sent off a slice of paper decorated with words and such.. i hope it's much appriciated. Hiro and Sam miss their father.
2.21.00
here it comes. hit me with yr best shot. i'm half prepared and half scared shitless. angry fists slammed into much countertop today. my hair was left unharmed. i'm dehydrated, yet i keep drinking... it all vanishes so fast through tear ducts. in all the surreal sights of today, i was still able to eat gummy bears like mad. maybe they are comfort food. i've got swell friends. i've got great parents. it's a shame that i don't realize stuff like this until tragedy. i wish i wasn't a puppet. but i don't have scissors. and even if i did, the self inflicted wounds would drive deeper than anything i can fathom. i'm going to have to punch myself in both eyes to shut them tonite. here's to keeping warm in the nitetime.
2.22.00
i'm not speaking in exaggerations or hyperbolic language in this entry, i promise. it's said and done. i'm in shock still, and as the day progresses, it gets worse. i can barely keep my eyes open, crying continuously really puffs them up. well, and i guess i did a little number to the right eye with my fist. i never thought i'd do that to myself again. history does repeat itself tho. i'm hoping that's as far as i take my physical abuse. i made my mom cry. i didn't want to drag her down too. thoughts keep repeating over and over and over again in my head. never touching again. never kissing again. never ever having that feeling of total safety and serenity. not being able to get into those eyes. i repeadedly ask the higher beings why i was given a taste of perfection to have it taken away. i can't enjoy my favorite things. everything reminds me of a piece of it all. even the fucking bathroom. i'm frightened to lay my head down tonite. but i can barely see anymore. it's all so heavy.
2.24.00
i guess you could say he's a bit like glue. crazy glue. knowing that he's out there and anticipating a new adventure, it kept me in one piece. i was solid. i'd never been that close to being brick. now i feel like a pool or some gelatinous substance, seeping into sewers. i feel it through my pores. it all just leaking out. i see it in my images. i bought eyeshadow today. i applied my makeup for the first time since this. i thought i'd be spending some good girl time, but i was joked. kicked down again, in the ditch. why do people have to be so incredibly self-involved? especially when it comes to ignoring their own blood. i did laundry today. tho, there's a few shirts i have that i can't put in the wash, and they've still got his scent on them. i'll fold them up and put em away with a spritz of watermelon. i can't smell his hug now. i'd crush out into several thousand particles. but maybe i should preserve the smell, it'll never be around my nose again.
2.25.00
it just struck me, i have no one to share my day with. no matter how small and stupid the detail is. who else besides him would listen and appriciate it? well... maybe just even listen. sometimes i have a tendency to bore myself with my vapid details. i wonder when certain things slip away. if i'll ever stop looking for toys for him at the drugstore, or on the side of the street. it hurts to see the things he'd like. and how come they are so much more prominate now? my daydreams are vivid and aren't coming to any closure, they play harder than before. i lose myself in them, and maybe that's why i'm not slashing myself up yet. i've escaped into surreal sites. they had always tided me over until my next bite before. am i going to be doing this for forever? i've began to pile. and i will pick up a box tomorrow. it all gets saved, but it can't stay in my view. not now. even more sad, is that i found his captive beads. i'll have to send them. address him. stamp to him. that glue will taste bitter.
2.27.00
whatever happened to respect? and so called best friends? (not you beth, if you read this). i've been okay the past two days. until bedtime. lying alone in the nitetime with moonlight shining in through the blinds. there's something about it that hurts. last nite i sat in my grandmothers bed and after reading the nation enquirer, had a lovely panic attack. the room caved in and my breath shortened. i was afraid i'd get mascara on the white pillows. it's starting to really hit hard that there's no more physical contact. before it was just an idea. it hadn't taken place. it's starting to. he doesn't want to hold my hand anymore. i have to start looking both ways before i cross the street again.
9:46 PM:
i don't think he's wanting to speak to me anymore even. well.. by speak of course i mean write. it's all driving me so insane. i'm so tired and i'm so afraid to lay in bed. i hate looking at my frogs. they are dancing to the 'tone right now. it's so special and wonderful that they can dance and have great musical taste.. but why do they have to be a constant reminder? breathe deep, suck it in and go finish the Bell Jar. quit complaining, no one wants to hear it. i'm no fun.
2.28.00
why do i have to dream about him so vividly? and then why do i have to wake up when he's right about to kiss me?
2.29.00
leap day. maybe it'd be fun if i could leap. if there weren't nails imbedded in my toes connecting to the floor. i better pry them out soon. i do plan on buying a bicycle with my tax return money. i have to pedal. especially when i'll be back in richmond. racing down grace. i hope this summer brings adventure. something to stop my feet from dragging. something to fuel me. god, i can't even imagine that right now. i really shouldn't be presently reading the Bell Jar. i don't like understanding the neurotic, and cheering on slit wrists. i should rest.
3.02.00
pardon me if there is redundancy between this and my other internet diary. i only have so many ideas and events a day. my frogs got stuck together last nite. i hoped Sam was eating Hiro, it would be one less reminder. but then Sam would be lonely, and i couldn't do that to him. dreams are taking over my sleep. so vividly. oh well, 2 more months of constant reminders. then i start fresh.
4.28.00
it's time again to kick myself for attempting to look into the future. i don't make a good psychic. to base the present on fortune cookies. that's what i should do. there's a big fucking shift happening. like the most powerful earthquake... and when you think you've survived, and yr on top of all the rubble, that last slab of concrete is dangling from the 14th floor waiting to crack over yr head. and leave you for dead. laying there in pieces. so maybe there's this heaven. and it's just a shit to get back into. i say that this all feels so fucked up presently. it does. but i'm always squeezing out later. magic portholes i find in the bottoms of my pockets. i just can't stand waiting for them to appear. i'll be okay this time. i've begun the deep breaths way in advance. not far enough. or i wouldn't be predicting hyperventilaion. i'll make masks from the paper bags and just wear them permantently. leave out the eye holes. i don't want to see. i'm too fucking scared to look.
5.1.00
i didn't know that angels appear in the smoke of marlboro lights.
5.3.00
starting the day with a 5:30 AM goodbye is good. seeing the day unfold into people being sad at my departure was totally weird. i never realize when people care. care enough to purchase gifts and cards and draw picutres and scribble inside jokes. i didn't know i was a part of anything here. i always felt on the outside. partly because i can do a southern accent so well... they say they've never really heard them outside of television. i say, they need to come visit. i'll go back saying *yous* and maybe i'll even pick up a *like iss* (if that's contagious). to everyone with their *ya'll*s and *uh*s. maybe that's what happens. you trade yr heart for an accent. doesn't seem fair.
5.12.00
why does it fucking feel like we packed a year into 3 weeks? for me it does at least. i'm doing alright. i got rock n roll shirts. and sneakers. squirtgun fights on grace. and roaming the city in search for something to do. that stuff that i missed. it's all back, and it's totally calming. without it i'd be so much more devastated. debating whether to rock n roll, stand still or bop around tonite. it's a tough choice sometimes. being a music schitzo that is. i've got signs of this years first driving arm. that's always a yummy summer sign. tho nearly impossible to get rid of. i suggest that everyone rent 'Trekkies' and worship Gabriel... cuz he's da man.
5.16.00
i'm afraid of being forgotten. i'm afraid of the feelings not lasting until the time i get there to speak to them again. it's been too long. i don't want him to forget that i still think he feels like an angel. i want him to know how dizzy i am while writing this. i want to stop having to miss him so much that i soak the pillow. i want to be able to stop listening to the get up kids and i hate myself and dance to nsync again. i'm crushed under a million feelings i never thought i'd have.
5.17.00
there's gotta be a strong bond there... if someone likes you when the first time they see you, you have just woken up and are in yr PJs.
5.24.00
11:57 PM: never in a million years would i have thought that i... me... nicole... would be addicted to phone calls. the telephone. i wait for it to ring. to hear something familiar. to share the day. and short term memories and tears. and silence. a fucking comfortable silence. i didn't think a comfortable phone silence existed. it's like a capella nsync. this beautiful music. hearing a breath that you can't feel. and crying harder. twas a kinkos nite. i blew up angels. of several varieties. the catalog kind. the celebrity crush kind. the softest angel of them all kind. it's the spawning of a new booklet. pictures half done. now i wait for words to spill. the words for explanations. i need to get them down. i dont know how to fuel them. its hard when you still feel them. god. fuck. i speak words now. i say how i feel. i say what i miss. i say it all fucking out loud. i've changed. and i'm so fucking happy about it. so fucking happy that i cry several times a day. and i dont think he knows what it all means to me. that someone can spark this in me. it's surreal. i do have dreams. and they come close to contact and i always wake up. maybe tonite. i pray tonite to hear the voice in my head. and feel the skin.
6.1.00
i feel like a puppy. waiting for my master to come home. i've explained this to myself before. how pathetic i feel. how hurt i get. how bad it is. how i shouldn't let myself feel like this. how inevitable it is to feel like this. the regret i have after i have this feeling. the remorse. the silliness. i'm just afraid that this is all my sided. that me, the silent one, is the only one who wants to run their mouth. the only one leaving space open in the bed.
6.2.00
i rip off my pillowcase and wake up clutching it. i still think i'm holding that boy.
6.4.00
there's a time when stuff starts fading and blurring into certain crimpshrine lyrics. and more and more i sink into my books again. and gummy bears. fuck.
Later, just a bit: i think it's happening again, some sort of signals that i'm a sociopath, or something of that nature. it gets worse. when you are letting someone in. letting them know who you are. and then there is silence. it makes you scream louder inside. and i would scream outside. i'm so afraid of confrontation. and i'm so trying to get myself together. i didn't get better in california, and i didn't get better in philadelphia. and im still sick here.
6.5.00
it's only a few hours after my last bit. technically the 5th now. 12:53 AM. a few minutes after being drenched in not only tears but ideas and fuel and questions. if i'm self involved, lazy and driving myself crazy... how in the hell do i stop it? i know what's wrong half the time. so how do i fix it. i find temporary stoppers. in lots of things. things that go from human beings to animals to plastic. they all either tune out, fade away or break. there's someone there that doesn't want to tune out, from what i gather, but i won't let them listen. there's someone that i try to tell and they can't hear. even if i layed on the highway. the horns. i don't think they'd hear. so that's it i think. that's all. something that i was putting alot of me into is gone. so it's this whole part i have to deal with again. there's nothing holding it's attention. or it's getting bad attention. there's those who only want to exchange, so they can compete and come out on top. who is worse? where's yr diagnosis? fuck that. i know where i come from. regardless if i have a textbook. and when i don't know, it's just because i'm hearing two things. i have an S and i have an L. angels, devils, what's inside and trying to come out, and then my composure. if i lose that one string of conscience i have, what will happen to me?
The Morning, 9:55 AM: i think i can't eat again. only, this time, i don't know if i can't or i just don't want to, so i'm making myself believe that i can't. something may have snapped. possibly i've reached that state that i've dreamed about, but never had the guts to fall into. here's to hoping that's what it could be. temporary, of course. god i so hope so. isn't this just so horrible? things i swore off this year. a hatred turned into an obession overnite. i like her too.
6.6.00
12:27 AM. a day. how many feelings and emotions can flow in one day? shit. wake up, ready to be sick. then eat anyway. and eat more later. in the village. black beans and rice. then god walks by. and you can't talk for like 5 minutes. god makes you feel vulnerable and helpless and weak kneed. you'll never touch him again. it was luck when you were 15. then comments are made. bad comments. comments that show that you are taking the hip too much. that maybe you should stop. but you can't stop. you don't want to. and stopping would be over the top lonely. later later. turkey sammich. record store. i knew what i shouldn't have bought. because i abused it. all the way home. near the whole 20 minutes on repeat. one song. tearing me completely apart from heart to lung and eye to toe. something that i was always wanting to buy, and never had the motivation for. now that i got it, it's so lethal. it was sad always. but not like this. *strange as angels*
10:27 AM. my mom called last nite. about 12:30, when i was writing the above. she leaves this sad sounding message for me to page her, and leaves the wrong pager number in the message. at least i have her real one. she was just one number off. now, there's 293844371 more things running through my head, from someone dying to something as retared as a fight with her and my stepdad. if anything happened to my brother, my dad would know and tell me. so i'm clear. my second worry is one of my dogs. i dont think i could much take it if Lady Phoebe died. not now. i may not see her much. but that's all i have. as far as someone to tell everything to and have them listen and snuggle. anyway. i want this out of my head. because if i dont hear anything soon... it's gonna turn into more fuel, which i have no room for. and i'll be walking in squares and triangles and anything. i have to work at 4.
12:00 PM: phew. mom was just fighting with stepdad. nothing lethal. i'm going to applebees with her, even tho i have a stomach ache due to a misunderstanding. i hope it'll tone down soon.
11:58 PM: there's a fly in my room. at least there was earlier today. i don't know if i'm feeling the after effects. like when you find a spider on you, and you are still hitting yrself 10 minutes after it's gone. i'm swooshing around my head. alot. i hope there's really a fly now. just got home. sleep 8 hours. wake up and go directly back to work. i should have just set up a cot. they forgot my chicken in my salad at applebees today. i got it later. i told my mom the goings on in my head. she told me to read about some other things than just the anxieties. maybe something more peculiar. i feel something growing. and i'm scared. i want to hide it from myself like i can from others. it's not as simple as keeping yr mouth shut. mom told me to go back to see anita... the the-rapist. i dont think she could much help. and i wont go to the state. no drugs.
P.S. angel silence makes my ears bleed.
P.P.S. i just smooshed the fly on my monitor.
6.7.00
how do you confuse T with L? i do. so, i've figured something out. i wish not to divuldge. self diagnosis sounds pretentious. and i fear that. i'm noticing i fear alot. i think i've gotten to the bottom of why i'm introverted. i think i know why i don't talk. why i forget to smile. why i don't make eye contact. and it's weird how it all makes sense. how i never realized this certain thing existed. it wasn't an influence. it was a map. okay. a map.
12:37 PM: i don't like myself in sunlight. at all. discoloration of face. it's horrible. everything you push under seeps foward. it makes my fists ball up again. i need my legs to be 3 inches longer. and my arms to be 3 inches skinnier. at least. this is my list. fear of letting others down by decision making. it'll continue later. i must get offline. i'm waiting for a phone call to see beth and her mommy. i'm excited. i haven't seen beth's mommy in ages.
8:57 PM: my mom doesn't like the nsync on my voice mail. it makes sense tho. digital getdown. i'm presently watching a movie. i'm watching her. again. and again she's got something interesting to say all the time. presented well. everything opposite of me. so charismatic. and charming. and just beautiful. opposite. opposite. opposite. to start to list again, powerful, intense relationships from the getgo. both of them. remember that.
11:46 PM: watching pretty boys cry really breaks my heart. even if it is a movie. i took some photographs. after i noticed that my eyeliner had run to my chin.
6.9.00
9:36 AM: boys have the worst fucking timing ever. i'm so convinced of this. or maybe my time charts are just off. write me on my crazy days and drive me to the hospital even faster. this kinda stuff makes me confused about what was real. sometimes i still get that *um okay* feeling. sometimes i'm jealous to the point of no return. i can't regress. i don't want to hate things again. and get those stomach aches and punch myself in the face. it's an obsession now, and not a hatred. and it's better for me this way.
11:04 PM: i got my Harriet The Spy tattoo today on my arm. done by Frank, the old guy at Red Dragon on Hull St. it's wonderful. i'm more than happy with it. the dull pain of the needles felt so good. it brought alot of release. like the emotional pain was being drained for awhile. news. code red ozone over richmond tomorrow. yikes. i'm kinda glad i'll be in cold cold work tomorrow. no i'm not. at all. i wasn't hungry all day. i tried to eat and felt sick. i dunno if it's just him that makes me not eat. it's so weird. i ate saltines for the first time last nite since august. because the connection to puking was so strong, they made me gag before. of course, after i get over that, i get these words in my mailbox. i think there's some fate connection... only he could do that. there's no balance in my life. if you take the weights off of one side... the other side drops. hard. i've had a headache since 3:00 this afternoon. it's time to lay down and try to rid myself of it. crying usually hurts it tho.
6.11.00
7:05 PM: i never really questioned my move back til now. my father. oh shit. i hear the Cure coming from downstairs... damn movie. anyway. so my dad. i ask him for some grocery money. he sighs like its some huge ordeal. forget about it, i say. i just didn't think that i'd have to pay to eat when i'm living in his house. he already asks for 10% of my paycheck. i don't know why i put up with it. maybe i like what hurts me. and that's why i wallow in such things. fucking sadistic. maybe melissa has told him of my new tattoo and he's pissed off. get the fuck over it. judge me for my skincolor. jerk.
6.17.00
a man came in my work today. he brought his video up to the counter... and asked me what was wrong. i almost started crying right then. i lied and said nothing. as he was leaving... he told me to keep my chin up. i lost it. i have a job interview at Record Town. i'm thinking about it. we'll see how it goes. the pay. the manager. i'm pretty sure that it has to be better than video world. what i'm afraid most of is leaving.. and it being worse once i'm there. most likely i'll stay at video world. i'm afraid of change, and new routine.
6.24.00
1:15 AM: there's too much going on in my mind to even know where to start. i'm scared of most all of it. happy interjection: tonite i saw Soophie Nun Squad and As Friends Rust. amazing. my voice is gone. SNS made me feel so wonderful... like i had my own thing there in richmond... it was me dancing and singing along with about 15 kids from Little Rock. but even the richmonders got into it after awhile. that took me by a good happy surprise. after much begging and screaming, As Friends Rust played Ruffian. brilliant. lots of frustrations i got out there. of course confusion all sets back in on my walk back to the car, and i have to walk past a certain boy's house. i debated and i sucked it up and knocked on the door, but he had gone to a party. i tried. i did. it's a step closer for me. but why i'm taking this step... i haven't a clue. he's great. i like what i know so far. but i'm scared. and i shouldn't be. he tells my best friend he likes me. but i just don't know if i can trust older boys with pretty blue eyes anymore.
6.29.00
last nite i saw ICP. and that was great. last nite ben asked if he could be my boyfriend and that was even better. but now i'm horribly rotten sick.
7.3.00
10:48 PM: Damn i'm still sick. but getting by all too well. on love letters and nyquil. love letters in the morning in sketchbooks while i'm still trying to keep the sun outtah my face. from this amazing fellow who for some insane reason likes me. and i can't grasp why. it's simply too good. he's better than schlitz. it's amazing to have this all here. in my city. it's so fucking brand new. and it's making me feel like going somewhere. which just blows my mind. like fireworks. hooray.
7.8.00
7:34 PM: i didn't think that they could still make me cry. but it's like now i do it because it's so beautiful, and not because i'm jealous. because, i've fucking got it. too many parallels. i guess it does happen. and that's how they can make the movies. it's real. down to the statues and the songs.
7.12.00
it's like i'm not getting it. like i've got this huge goofy crush on him when he's not around. walking around all dazed and making tapes and sighing at the words. rereading his words and falling bakwards into fluff and covers. kicking my feet behind me like it's 1964 and i'm listening to the new beatles 45 and swooshing my ponytail. replace that with pinhead gunpowder 7"s and making knots in my bangs. my chest hurts really bad today and its hard to breathe in due to all the coughing. now i'm gonna be sneaky pathetic and watch a movie and grin my fucking face off.
7.17.00
4:30 PM: last nite was my first drunken vomit ever. sheesh. why'd i have to go do that? then cry. one of my alone green day cries. that i never have around anyone. i did. and my alone movie cry. i've done that too. it's weird. and i don't know in what way. i can still hold it in when i want it to be in. so maybe this is good. like this is comfortable. like i'm totally me, and take it as i am. me who's gotta take some tests. man. and i thought i was being totally hypocondriactic about the head spinning.
7.20.00
2:56PM: i go to the gynecologist today. and they listen to my heart. and they make other people listen to my heart. and they say that something sounds a little off. no fucking lie. i'm not fucking shitting you at all. he broke it last nite. he fucking broke my heart literally. out of nowhere. when everything feels so goddamned good and new. now it doesnt. now i feel nothing. i just want to feel right now. anything. the last thing i feel is hugging him on the porch. that's all i remember. to have everything changing. everything better. i was making a new life in something i thought i could believe in. someone who i was my total self around. it was so different. and now. i'm back. goodbye.
7.21.00
3:02 PM: breaking bottles last nite didn't even make me feel better. and i broke alot. i lost count. til there were no glass bottles left. my face stings so much from salt. and the birds keep fucking chirping outside of my window. and i know this will get better with time. but there has to be a freakout. and this one is one of the worst yet. and i'm scared so much to be alone. of course. im only here alone for a couple hours. but occupying these hours are hard. with a big stack of records that can slice me through the veins. i'm scared because i have to see Green Day on Wednesday. they almost killed me when there was nothing wrong. and now that everything is wrong... i'm terrified of what might snap.
7.25.00
12:38 PM: the day before my possible destruction. one thing has me excited. and that's that i found TWO ramona quimby videos for sale at blockbuster last nite. my dad bought them for me. but this is the first time of excitement since wednesday. and it's soon over. that i am almost done watching them. sarah polley from Go plays ramona. that's kinda interesting. other than this. im still fucked. i'm crying in bed and im shaking. and it seems so stupid. but i dont think anyone realized what he was doing for me. the sense of confidence that had come over me from him. the courage on my bracelet was filling up my mind. and it was because of him. it's slipping now and im so scared to revert back. im scared to walk down the streets again.
8.8.00
10:28 AM: all i can do to keep my head from spinning is read Skipped Parts or Roman Dirge comics. when my head spins.. there's nothing there being thought about. and that makes it all the worst. in my reading i am putting something there. i think i'm officially obsessed with roman dirge now too, thank you beth. i plan on pit stopping at the comic book store on my way to dropping things off at work. i shouldn't do that. i have no money. i dont know where it went either. i thought i was keeping damn good score. probably wachovia fucking me up the ass yet again. last nite wasn't too awkward. and it shouldn't be. but it still feels odd. but i'm like that with everyone. even friends i have a small tiff with. i just have trouble facing anything remotely hurtful. because i feel it times five. which i don't think most people have a concept of. fuck, even i don't. oh yeah. a couple weeks ago i met green day. at the warped tour. making friends with the guy who gets shot out of the cannon... and i got backstage passes. hung out with Tre. he came up to me and started conversation of backflips and fly fishing. he asked if he could get me pregnant and have punk rock babies. we laughed alot and shared a beer. it was nice. he's a good guy. i wonder why i hear of him being a dick so often. in other news. life has regurigtated feelings from the past. and jak is back in my life again. most likely coming here at the end of this month. i'll go to montreal if my schedule permits.. but since i'll have school then.. i'm not quite sure were that will leave me with time for that and work. i'll be actually busy. and probably liking it. busy is what i've been needing. just to keep myself out of the holes that i let my emotions swim around in. we'll see.
9.15.00
as of the 11th i am 20. good grief. many good things going on. me and jak together always. living in tiny brick cottage number ten until last nite. now he's got 2 rooms and a kitchen on grace. today will be fan thrifting day. kids sheets for curtains and smelly pots and pans. that's what richmond life is all about. what would make this place really perfect is an alley couch. it'll come in time. i should be doing school work. i'm already slacking a bit. there's no motivation for math class... and temporarily none for history either. blimey.
10.02.00
oh man. green day. lemme tell you a little something about green day.... they never cease to knock me on my ass half fucking comatose for the duration of their records. now especially this new one. you know... even green day writes those songs you skip over on the CD... not this time. every damn song is so good. and i can't even pick a favorite, it wouldn't be right. so yeah. warning. warning: one should not operate a moving vehicle at 9:00 AM whilst listening to the record due to vision loss from excessive tears.
10.24.00
it's so hard to explain the feeling of slipping away slowly. it's tough because i think that people think i'm using an excuse. that there's nothing hurting me. that my head hasn't been spinning consecutively for days now. and weeks and months and years on top of that, where it'd only come periodically. now it's at a peak. and i can't stop. i'm better this time. with supports. but if this were an alone time again, i'd definitely have my head in the toilet.
10.27.00
6:53 PM: at 7:50 i see Blair Witch Project 2. i don't care what you say, i thought the first one was one of the most amazing things that i have ever looked at. and i am not going into the second one thinking that it will be anywhere nearly that terrifying. i enjoy the story. i had therapy today. mom comes with me next week so she can try to understand what the goings on in my head are like. how do you explain disorganized? or even the s word.
11.03.00
6:13 PM: remnicent of songs on the record player. i'm exhausted. my eyes feel bloody. i feel guilty and embarrassed for my actions yesterday. i want to hide my face forever and rejoice that i have someone so great at the same time.
11.14.00
10:20 PM: lately a thought that has been plaguing my mind all the time is why people have favorite actors. 75% of the time it's because they find them attractive. want to attempt to argue that one with me? you can't. another big chunk is because they've liked a character they've played maybe identified with them.... well... that was the writer who came up with that part, not the actor. they just had the look that got them the part. which is most of the time because they are attractive. so they can act... i don't find that such a big deal... i think most people can. i think we all do it almost every day. don't you put on a smile sometimes when yr in a bad mood just to get people off yr back? i was told in high school i was a great actor... but i'm not some skinny beautiful thing... so you dont see me in hollywood. plus i was never that interested in staying after school for hours rehearsing. i liked smoking pot in abandoned houses better. again... you might like an actor because they seem to be in alot of movies you enjoy... there again.. its writers and directors. the only actors i can see people genuinely liking for some extra special talent are comediens. they have the ability to make you laugh and they generally come up with their own material and styles to work with. so fuck people for what they look like and what people generalize about them out of magazine articles and interviews that are pieced together so you have the image that they are supposed to portray. fuck hollywood for condoning my daily habits of thinking that i'm worthless because i'm not 5'9" and 125lbs.
1.23.01
i've neglected this site to work on my new one seen at.. Permanent Dedications. life lately goes like this... school and work and jak and this and that. some writing here and there. i'm attempting to have the motivation to do my psych work right now. it seems that it was alot easier over warm apple cider with a special someone across the table. now im just caught up in watching Harriet get her notebook stolen. i better be off to homework land. i can't be horrible this early in the semester. besides, i have days off up ahead to snuggle and romp with jak all over manhattan.
2.15.01
11:03 PM. back from nyc and feeling so warm. i love it all. smelling cold air and his hoodie. and fumes and snow. and colored lights in my eyes. tripping on curbs and vendors. coffee after coffee. seeing rent up close. i do enjoy myself there. painted doormen. moonmen. pueblos. it was a pueblo i say so. giving creations. receiving satisfaction. scattered train people. oregano. kisses. sweet kisses. and under the sheets. sirens and construction. together with sweat on my back. it makes me forget. no, not forget. be. it makes me be.
2.17.01
2:33 AM. Remember that in 5 years you don't want to be saying *i wish i did*. you say that now in time with the songs on the radio. the songs that talk about the age of 16. just fucking do it all. now. do it. i am. heh.. it was about this time, that nite, the one where we kept our shirts on. i'm all smiles and smirks for bedtime.
04.23.01 3:17 PM: My head hurts, not from headache but from thinking about Memento. i can't stop rearrancing pieces and parts in my head trying to form a beginning to end and the gaps between, sans the Thomas Lennon part, because that just killed the confusion into buckets of laughter poured out by several of us in the audience. Fact 7: I'm still fucking confused. a kissing pal of cristy's saw some of her pictures of me and said i looked animated. and it's not even the first time someone has said that about me. i wonder what that exactly means? Peking uses cats. I can't remember to forget you.
04.21.01 8:01 AM: i hate having to admit to myself that my medication works. i haven't been taking it properly. and now i'm back to not being able to sleep in the morning, and having extremely vivid dreams that make me panic when i am awake. i just awoke from a series of dreams that involved everything from ice skating with stephie on a ten foot by teen foot square of ice in the middle of a diner, something involving me working at a record store where i left the door unlocked to hang out with green day (yeah another green day dream, this has been going on since i was 13) i was driving around with them and someone stole all of the records out of my store. so i had to leave town, which is when i called some people and got in a van with them and drove back and forth to delaware for no particular reason. the girl who drove kept falling asleep too. then i went back to my car and drove all these roads i didn't recognize. so now i forced myself awake, not only because i have to go to work, but because i feel like puking and im shaking and have horrible chills. and i think i taste chilli cheese fry in my mouth.
04.16.01 7:40 PM: Yes! Everything was turned in today. the apartment. it will be ours. i am more than excited. for summer as well. 2 more weeks of class. i do dread exams a bit. richard tried to peek in on beth in the bathroom today and a short tug of war on the door caused some broken glass. ha! i learned that miguel will live with us for the first month which is fun and also, it's a nice rent relief. oh but to pack! the horror! the heavy boxes of books. record crates and movies. the memory rubbermaid containers. but i now smell of tangerine bubble bath and my head is mixed with Lanky. i said to the magazine, "yeah aaron, we might be picking what and who to take down in the ship with us... but i'm not ready to go down yet. and i'm not gonna be a tugboat any longer."
04.15.01 10:10 PM: Saw Jets To Brazil last nite. Fuckin' A! yeah, yeah cried only during Sea Anemone, of course. it was really only a mediocre show. maybe i've worn their effects down since i've seen them several times. beth made me laugh during Sweet Avenue. how communist. i forgive her. all in good fun. apartment stuff is coming all together and should be almost finalized beginning tomorrow. forms and checks in. and the beautiful exposed brick with the brown carpet and extremely large living room with so fucking many windows and a porch out of my window. it's all fucking ours. ours to decorate with chalk cave drawings all we want. and art and posters and movies. and to create good times and stories. so, how do i feel about joey ramone passing away? just upset that someone like him cannot create anymore. someone who has indirectly effeted my whole life via changing that of billie joe's and aaron cometbus' it's sad that there can't be any more to come from him. now to finish this horrible poetry paper.
04.08.01 1:57 PM: Weezer, "I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams"
04.08.01 1:34 AM: therapy, in the most depressing way possible is listening to Green Day's cover of Husker Du's "i dont wanna know if you are lonely". i got a ticket tonite driving home from work for my stickers being expired. of course i put the check in the mail for them a couple days ago. i feel like im sliding down some sort of hill. i think i have a bit of a paper due on monday. where we have to pick stupid poems and compare and contrast. i'm just not a "poetry" kind of girl. i like songs. i like narratives. i like unstable prose. but not poetry. it just doesn't do anything for me. words in those forms or non forms. blah. so party idea. come dressed as a song. bitchin' huh? the possibilities are endless, but rules are no names (bob, mr. jones, veronica). no being nirvana's "come as you are" and no "99 luftballoons" we dont want that many balloons in the house.
04.06.01 8:24 PM: so now i'm in a bit of a glum. but i keep watching movies, so far Way Of The Gun, Freeway, and S.F.W. it helps me not think of my decision. i've already been faced with a jealousy. it's okay. but i have to run away into the nite tonite. maybe go play putt putt. i keep thinking about how there's probably a whole slew of people out there calling me a bitch and other various names. i was told by my therapist today that she is proud that i am becoming my age and getting done the things that i feel that i need to do to become more of myself. and i keep thinking of why i felt the need to say a half of a goodbye to jak in order to do this. and i have to breathe deep. but i know that maybe this isn't forever.
04.05.01 12:45 AM: i did it. why? maybe because i never felt included in word salads. when i read i felt that i rarely found me. when i displayed things that i hoped would have been picked up. like in the january of 1999. maybe it's because i felt disapproval of a stable lifestyle where i want to call one town my home. where i need to focus. where i would have him if it could all mesh together and work. if friends didn't involve what i felt to be a silent conflict of sort. if i was able to read and look and not face the big jealousy. if i was able to trust intentions. maybe it's because i'm trying to become a person and i have these needs here in order to do that. maybe it's because i've felt my calling right here, and i'm even speaking in terms of a "major" in pyschology. maybe it's because i need to feel the love of my friends who i'm so sorry that i left behind. i feel that i am making a good decision. i feel still so much in love. and that is not going to change. but i feel that nowhere was happening. that waiting for email was making me silly in a bad way. and i feel that when i have grown into someone who does not face fears of failure and jealousy that maybe then it will be time for it to come together. i need to love me too. and i don't at all right now. and i shaved my head.
04.02.01 3:59 AM: i'm still awake. though its hard to see. but my contacts become refreshed ever so often with a tear drop or two. it's upsetting when an old friend asks you, "did you just wake up?" "no" "oh, you've been crying?" "uh huh" crazy that i've had both the most horrible feelings of life and doubt and the best feelings of life and possibility all in one day/nite package. i'm scared to fucking talk. i want to please sleep now.
03.24.01 2:19 AM: tonite was a nite of attempting to go out to one of those shows where i feel like everything just sounds the same. and pretty much does. except for those couple of gems that the bands hit you with when you aren't looking. of course, those are the songs that they don't play live... and in fact half the time they refuse to play live. ala Ruffian by As Friends Rust. tonite it was Adult Entertainment by The White Octave. So what is the White Octave you ask? besides it being a band with ex members of Cursive... i took it upon myself to decide that the White Octave is the sound of the ultimate wedgie. the squeal one would make as the undies have hit the final mark of wedgiedom. i believe that picking apart band names has become a sport of mine. for example.. what the fuck is a millencolin? yeah, this is one of the many thoughts that grace my mind from time to time. and i try to pop into punk chat asking millencolin fans to give me an answer, but they don't even know. what do i think it sounds like? and insect of some sort. many legs. millipedesque if you will. making up definitions has become a specialty. as well as word usage. that's what i like. being scolded for placing the wrong word in an "awkward" place. i received an A on my research paper in english class... with many marks of "odd wording" i smiled at them all. i'm going to smile on to bed tonite and hope i have dreams continuing from last.
03.22.01 12:32 PM: i quit jumping around with my eyes closed today. it's not so bad. really. yeah i do have a churn here and there. but the sweaty palms have subsided already. and i'll be cool soon. i was up last nite fixing the main page here, as i accidentally, sort of, deleted it by converting to the "advanced" form. not that i am html guru or could ever or would ever be. but it does give a world of more choices. my world lately has been filled with the gym. i go there and escape completely for about 2 hours monday thru friday. it's amazing, the feeling that overcomes of accomplishment, of energy and of peacefulness. now with an even clearer mind i can escape to greater levels and keep going up. i am quite excited. i finally wrote a story last weekend. the one who's beginning had been hanging around on my computer since august or so. today i need to purchase a box cutter. it's a beautiful day. the kind where i want to take jak's hand and parade around through the park. i'll go over it in my mind all day.
I'm so tall, can't get over me
I'm so low, can't get under me
I must be all these things
For I just threw out the love of my dreams
He is in my eyes, he is in my ears
He is in my blood, he is in my tears
I breathe love, and see him every day
Even though my love is a world away
Oh he's got me wandering
My righteousness is crumbling
Never before have I felt this way
I know what is right, but i want for him to stay
I must be made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams
He is in my eyes, he is in my ears
He is in my blood, he is in my tears
I breathe love, and see him every day
Even though my love is a world away
Oh, he's got me wandering
My righteousness is crumbling
Oh, he's got me wandering
My righteousness is crumbling
And I see him every day
Even though my love has walked away
He is in my eyes, he is in my ears
He is in my blood, he is in my tears
I must be made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams
6:11 PM: i keep sobbing. over thoughts. situations. what i dont know if i want. i'm scared. over thinking unexcited.