If Only Through Heaven's Eyes

It was the coldest night of the year. Michaelangelo sat and stared at the ice-clear sky and let a tear slip down his cheek, the pain finally taking it's toll on his heart. He could have changed it, he could have seen to it that it was his body on the funeral pyre. There hadn't been one moment in his life that he wished he could have changed more than that one. That last moment, looking down into the eyes of his brother as the life left him and his spirit was taken to the sky. He loved his brother, he would have done anything if he could have just changed it...

One instant. That was all it took, one instant when Mike had let his guard down. The fight had raged on for so long, neither side gaining an advantage over the other. The difference was that one side was bound by an honor that the other side lacked. One side... one side had guns. Mike was the first to have a bead drawn on him. Raphael saw the red dot on the back of his brother's head - the laser site. Raph dove, the sniper fired. Raph fell on top of Michaelangelo, bleeding from the neck. Mike took Raph up into his arms and cradled him as his life slipped away. He'd tried to speak, to say something final to his brother - but even that right had been taken away by the hole through his throat. He wheezed, gasping for breath. He died. Michaelangelo couldn't remember the rest of the fight, but he recalled the feel of blood on his hands. Blood on the palms... the blood of his brother - blood on his knuckles... the blood of the man who had taken Raphael's life. Blood... Michaelangelo could still feel the blood...

They took Raphael to the beach and laid him upon a pile of wood. They built up the bon, the flames grew higher, mirroring Mike's anger - the night grew colder, mirroring his loss. He wanted to be there beside Raph on the fire. No, he wanted to be there in his place. He wanted Raphael to be alive, to be sitting there on the sand. He didn't want to feel this loss... he wanted to take his brother's place in heaven.

As Mike thought about it he began to feel selfish... he realized that he did not yet belong in heaven. It was his brother, the one who had given his life in his defense... he truly deserved to be there. He deserved to be the angel... he was the angel. Behind Michaelangelo the fire flared, he could feel the flames licking closer to his head and he closed his eyes. He felt a soft touch at the back of his thoughts... he was there... Raph was there. He was watching, wondering why his brother was crying. Mike opened his mouth and spoke in a whisper.

"Why did you have to go?"

"I didn't go. I'm still here, I always will be."

"But I can't touch you... I can't see you... how do I know when you are watching me?"

"You just do..."

"What am I supposed to do without you here?"

"Just live, Mikey... just live and be who you have always been."

"But... I don't want to let go..."

"You don't have to let go... not yet. Maybe you should hold on... if that is what you need to do."

"...But... what if I can't hold on? What happens when I loose my grip on you? Where will I be without you there to guide me?"

"Just hold on... until you learn to let go."

"I don't want to learn..."

"But you will."

"I want to be with you... I want to go with you to Heaven..."

"Someday you will... but for now they need you here. Don and Leo need you more than I do right now..."

"But they're both so strong..."

"Not as strong as you think, Mikey. They hurt just like you do. They aren't blind to this. I know you are going to miss me... life is full of ups and downs and it spins you in circles, but you only get to ride this roller coaster once. Don't be in a hurry to get off of it. Heaven will wait, you are better now being a living angel."

"I'm no angel, Raph... I let you die."

"Hey... you didn't let me die. I had a choice, I made that choice for a reason. I know you trust me, kid. Trust me on this one, too. You are meant for so much more."

"...Where is heaven?"

"Closer than you think. Mike... I know I hurt you all when I left, but I was bound to this end. Understand, though, that death is just a horizon, and a horizon is nothing but the limit of our vision. I'll always be around, just think about me. Someday, fifty, sixty... maybe more years from now you'll be able to see me face to face again... just think of the stories we'll have to tell one another by then."

"Would you have changed it? Would you want to come back here and stay on earth?"

"I had my time, yours is meant to be much longer. Live life while you still have it. Learn to love, have fun again. Smile when you look in the mirror and happen to see a resemblance to me. Just be, Mikey. Just live. And remember that I love you, kid... I always have."

"Even when we fought?"

"Especially when we fought."

"Good bye, Raph..."

"I'll see you around, kid..."

Mike drew in a deep breath and smiled for the first time since... before. The fire behind him had died but the night didn't seem quite so cold anymore. Opening his eyes, he reached down to the sand and picked up a pair of old, worn-out sai. He stared at them for a few moments and then put them in his belt, next to the nunchaku that had served him so well for so many years. The beach was lightening in the early dawn and he looked up, watching the sun as it slipped up over the horizon...

"Yet, after all, it may be best, just in the happiest, sunniest hour of the voyage, while eager winds are kissing every sail, to dash against the unseen rock, and in an instant hear the billows roar above a sunken ship."

~ Robert Green Ingersoll ~
(Eulogy for his brother, 1879)

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