Aaron C. Kinder
Last Updated:
September 06, 2003
Conversion to Judaism:
The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning
Death and Mourning
Introduction
The Jewish way with death and mourning is somewhat different than the widespread American practice of suppressing ones grief and rushing back to life as usual. Jewish practice gives timings and methods for dealing with ones grief. The Jewish laws give structure to the mechanics of burial and even selecting a coffin. The funeral itself encourages feeling the grief so that the healing process may begin.Death and Mourning
From the very moment of death until the burial respect and honor for the deceased is maintained. One custom involves closing the eyes and mouth of the deceased, lighting a candle (symbolizes the soul) and opening a window for the souls release. This is followed by psalms and personal prayers.The Question of CremationThe traditional prayer said upon hearing of the death of a loved one is not one of grief, but of acceptance and trust in God:
“Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheynu Melech Ha-olam Dayan Ha-emet.
Holy One of Blessings Your Presence fills creation You are the True Judge.”
Tradition states that the body should not be left alone from the time of death until burial. Burial is to take place as soon after death as possible. It is custom to read psalms beside the body. This can be preformed by family members, friends or synagogue members. Many Jewish funeral homes provide ritual guardians, known as a shomer for just this purpose.
In general autopsies are not permitted by Jewish law because they appear to be a desecration of the body. However, because saving a life takes precedence over all other laws, autopsies and organ donation may be authorized. The Rabbi usually takes these issues on a case by case basis. According to Jewish tradition practices such as embalming, viewing of the body and wakes are viewed as disrespectful to the memory and body of the deceased.
While expensive caskets have become the vogue in funerals and are often seen as a sign of respect for the dead, Jewish tradition takes a somewhat different stance. The way to respect the dead in Jewish tradition is by contributing to Tzedakah, especially to charities and causes which were important to the deceased. Even using a basic wooden coffin is not seen as disrespectful; it is instead a way to promote deaths natural processes and to return one to the earth.
According to tradition the body is prepared in the most simplest of terms. No difference is made due to sex or status. The body is merely washed and cleaned according to very specific regulations. The deceased is buried in a plain white shroud, without pockets. In some cases the deceased wears a Tallit, however the Tzitzit are cut to symbolize the fact that the deceased is no longer under the mitzvot.
According to Jewish tradition, cremation is forbidden. If a person chooses to have his or her body cremated, he or she is treated as someone who has chosen to cut themselves off from the Jewish community. Among certain traditional communities official forms of mourning are not permitted for those who have been cremated. Survivors may not even be allowed to sit shiva or recite kaddish. While the response to cremation is not so drastic among the liberal movements, many rabbis will refuse to officiate at the service for someone who has been cremated.FuneralsIn the Jewish tradition, burial is seen as a way to return the body back to its source, the earth. This natural process of decomposition is abdicated when one chooses to be cremated. Cremation may also be seen as a desecration of the body which was created in the image of God.
Despite all the reasons given against cremation, some Jews still make plans for creation. This is usually done to spare the family the trouble and expense of a funeral. This proves problematic for the children of people who have made this decision prior to their death. They are left to choose between violating their parents last wishes or violating a belief of their religion.
The Jewish funeral takes place as soon as possible after death. Postponements may be made for the sake of allowing relative to travel to the service. Burials may not take place on Shabbat and most major holidays.The BurialThe funeral may take place at a synagogue, funeral chapel, at a home or the cemetery. Rabbis primarily officiate at the funerals however any knowledgeable Jew could, in theory, officiate. The families involvement is a personal choice. Some choose readings or prayers but generally they leave the service entirely up to the rabbi.
The liturgy for the service has few requirements. However the 23rd Psalm is nearly universal. The prayer, El Maley, Rachamin is also traditionally recited:
“God who is full of compassion, dwelling on high
Grant perfect peace to the soul of ___________.
May s/he rest under the wings of Your Presence
Holy and Pure, Who shines bright as the sky.
And may his/her place of rest be as Eden
We pledge Tzedakah for the sake of his/her memory.
We pray that You comfort his/her soul in eternal life, under the protection of your wings.
Adonai, You are our heritage.
May s/he rest in peace,
Amen.The hesped or eulogy us the single most important part of the funeral because it honors the memory or the deceased and expresses the loss felt by his/her passing. The hesped is generally read by the Rabbi. In some cases, all or part of it has been written by the family and a relative or close friend may read deliver it.
K’riah - the ancient custom where mourners tear their garment as a sign if their feelings of grief. K’riah is often don’t just prior to the funeral, but it may also be done at the grave site or when one first hears the news of the death. In the case of men, the lapel of a sports coat is often used. It is also acceptable to substitute wearing a torn black ribbon. This is worn for the next seven days, throughout shiva.
It is both an honor and a duty to help bury the dead. Carrying one to the grave is seen as a way of paying tribute to the memory of the deceased. Participation is common at the Jewish burial. Often everyone uses a shovel, generally initiated by the close relatives. This is one way to encourage mourners to accept the death so that grief and healing may begin. All those gathered, generally don’t leave until the body is placed into the ground and the coffin has be covered.MourningThere is usually a brief graveside service with psalms and a recitation of the mourners kaddish. The Kaddish is written in Aramaic and never mentions death, loss, or grief. It, instead praises God for the gift of life. The graveside recitation of the kaddish begins the mourners obligation to recite the prayer during the period or mourning or any appropriate occasion; such as the Yahrzeit.
The Mourners Kaddish:
Transliteration
Yit-gadal v'yit-kadash sh'may raba b'alma dee-v'ra che-ru-tay, ve'yam-lich mal-chutay b'chai-yay-chon uv'yo-may-chon uv-cha-yay d'chol beit Yisrael, ba-agala u'vitze-man ka-riv, ve'imru amen.
Y'hay sh'may raba me'varach le-alam uleh-almay alma-ya.
Yit-barach v'yish-tabach, v'yit-pa-ar v'yit-romam v'yit-nasay, v'yit-hadar v'yit-aleh v'yit-halal sh'may d'koo-d'shah, b'rich hoo. layla (ool-ayla)* meen kol beer-chata v'she-rata, toosh-b'chata v'nay-ch'mata, da-a meran b'alma, ve'imru amen.
Y'hay sh'lama raba meen sh'maya v'cha-yim aleynu v'al kol Yisrael, ve'imru amen.
O'seh shalom beem-romav, hoo ya'ah-seh shalom aleynu v'al kol Yisrael, ve'imru amen.
* Add on Shabbat
English
Magnified and sanctified be God's great name in the world which He created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and during the lifetime of Israel. Let us say, Amen.
May God's great name be blessed forever and ever.
Blessed, glorified, honored and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though God is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. Let us say, Amen.
It is considered inappropriate to offer condolences until after the funeral. Throughout the preparation for the funeral and through the funeral itself, honoring the deceased’s memory is the primary concern. However, immediately following the burial the focus shifts to comforting the mourners.A Shiva CallThe laws of mourning apply to a small group. Those who are officially considered mourners are: Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, Sister, Brother, or Spouse.
Aninut, is the period of mourning between death and burial. This is the period of mourning when the grief and shock are most severe. Mourners do nothing during this time period except prepare for the funeral and burial. They spend this time contacting loved ones, spending time with family and friends and meeting with their rabbi. Visitors do not generally call upon the mourners during this time. Aninut ends when the coffin is laid into the ground.
Shiva begins as soon as the mourners return from the cemetery. Traditionally, hands are washed at the door, to symbolize the sad duty which has been completed. A special seven day candle, marking the seven days of Shiva, is traditionally lit. After this the seudat havra’ah, a meal of consolation is served. It is considered a mitzvah to provide this meal for the mourners. Eggs and other round foods are eaten to symbolize the cycle of life.
All business and pleasure, on the part of the mourners, is stopped during shiva. Going to work, watching television, listening to music and even leaving the house is generally discouraged. Mirrors are also covered to discourage vanity.
This time of shiva is not meant as a time to cheer the mourners. On the contrary. The mourners are encouraged to grieve and share their grief. It is a time for the mourners to recall the life that is now over by telling stories of the deceased, laugh at the happy memories and cry at the loss.
It is considered a mitzvah to visit the home of a mourner. One enters without ringing the bell of knocking. Very little is said during this. The presence of friends is enough. Bringing flowers is considered inappropriate. A donation to a charity in honor of the deceased is a much more fitting tribute. Bring food to the home would be considered an appropriate gift.The Gravestone UnveilingShiva ends on the mourning of the seventh day. The memorial candle is blown out and this would be a time that leaving the home would be acceptable.
Sheloshim refers to the thirty days following the burial. During sheloshim many of the prohibitions against work and pleasure are lifted. Mourners may return to work and go out of the house. However certain restrictions do still apply. Many Jews continue to abstain from social gathers, and other forms of entertainment. They go to services at the synagogue ever day or at least on Shabbat to recite the kaddish. On the 30th day, all the outward signs of mourning end, with exception to those who have lost a parent. They continue to abstain from joyful events and say kaddish regularly.
Avelut is the twelve month period observed only by those who have lost a parent. It counts from the day of death and ends twelve Hebrew months later. According to Jewish law the mourner is to say the Kaddish everyday for eleven months. They may also observe this by saying kaddish at Shabbat services every week for one year. During this entire time of Avelut, mourners refrain from joyous activities.
The unveiling and dedication of the gravestone can take place anywhere between the end of sheloshim and the anniversary of the death. A veil is removed from the grave marker in the presence of the family and friends. This is not a second funeral. Often Psalms and prayers are read.YahrzeitThe marker is generally simple. It usually has the Hebrew and secular name of the deceased, as well as the date of birth and death in the Hebrew and secular dates.
The Yahrzeit is the anniversary of a death. A special twenty four candle is lit on the eve of the death, as well as on Yom Kippur. There is no prayer commonly associated with memorial act. This is also observed in some synagogues with memorial lights and plaques and a recitation of the kaddish.Conclusion
I can see many benefits to the Jewish form of mourning. Above all, it allows the mourner to express his or her grief so that s/he may move past the grief. The great attention to protect the dignity of the body helps to preserve the memories the individual has left behind. Like most ritualistic aspect of Judaism, the symbolism of the mourning process is stunning.It totally differs from the Christian “just-move-on” attitude about death and allows those who mourning to be able to go at a slow steady pace. Customs, such as not calling on the mourners until after the burial may seem cold and uncaring to the non-Jewish on looker. However, as an individual who has lost several close family members in the span of a mere two years, I can see how this would be beneficial. Often one is so caught up with visitors and or phone calls that they aren’t able to prepare themselves for the difficult road ahead.
There was one piece of information which I did find to be, somewhat disturbing. The customs concerning cremation seemed cold and uncaring. I also felt that the beauty that can be seen in a cremation service was also lacking. I wouldn’t see this as a concern of mine. Quite frankly I couldn’t care less what my family does with my body after I die. However the traditional approach did seem uncharacteristic of the majority of mourning process. Throughout the mourning process attention to the feelings of the mourners seemed paramount. That’s aspect was missing in this section.
Over all, I would have to say that I found the “Jewish way in death and mourning” to be inspiring and touching. For every difficult regulation and restriction is equal beautiful symbolism.
Copyright ©2003 Aaron C. Kinder, All Rights Reserved.