EDUCATED REDNECK'S ROAD STORIES AND PICTURES
The Battle of Nebraska
Here we go again. I hope when you read this it makes your blood boil. This is all true. I am attempting to get the tape of this stop so you can see what is going on out on the highways.
I was travelling in Nebraska on route 136 just outside of Auburn Nebraska. I was going down this road to avoid Iowa...see the stories on my bitch page and figure out why. I was just cruising along doing the speed limit. When, out of nowhere, I get pulled over.
The police officer approached my window. My dog Elvis scared the shit out of him. He kept his distance and then asked me to go back to his cruiser so he could right me a warning citation. Now if you read all the other stops I have had, this is right out of the police profile handbook. The reason they inform you that they are going to write a warning citation is to show they are your friend. BULLSHIT!!! If you are my friend you would do it the way the police officers did in the old day. As long as you have all your documents they would just tell you to fix it and be on your way. That is not what they are doing.
The reason for bringing you back to the cruiser is two fold. First they want you to set in the car with their dog so they can see if he can give them a reason to search. Second they want to run your information so you can prove you are innocent. That's right...prove you are innocent. What would you call it? They are searching for a reason. It always goes the same way. Come on...you watch cops. You have heard that dweeb John Bunnell. "Notice how the officer asks casual questions as he searches for the reason why the person is there. IT IS NONE OF THEIR DAMN BIZ!!!! Come on folks read the constitution!
Well, I get in the cruiser with Officer Parsons, Badge Number 9442 of the Nemah County Sherrif's office. He said "I am going to write you a warning citation for a tail light out" Then the games begin."So, where are you going?" Notice a pattern yet?
I replied in a calm voice. "You know, I am getting sick and tired of playing this game. I get pulled over so you can write me a warning. Then you start with where are you going, where are you coming from. Then you will use some witty cop line like....got any drugs, weapons, rocket launchers.. looking for a response that will give you a reason to search my car." I also said" I have been over 12 times in 8 months and I have yet to get a ticket" Then in a smart ass tone he says "That is going to change today" He then started writing the ticket. When I said that he said he was going to give me a warning. he said "I was going to until you gave me attitude" So another words because I failed to bow down to his authority he was going to provide instant police justice. Then he went ballistic and started yelling the state law that I was in violation of and that he had the disretion to write or not write a ticket. Another words...kiss his ass, no ticket...question his authorty..TICKET! You see any bullshit yet?
I then asked him to provide me with his commanding officer's name and his phone number. He replied in a half yell. I am done helping you. Does this jackass forget who he is serving? It is protect and serve...not...collect and disturb. I am no dummy. I am setting along side a narrow two lane road with traffic wizzing by at 60 mph. I have a pissed off cop, 6ft something 240 plus with a gun, he already demonstrated his ability to throw his authority around by writing a ticket. Who knows what he will make up next.
I called the state police for Nebraska and got the number for his commanding officer. I spoke with him today. I pointed out to him that I wanted a copy of the tape made at the stop. He said he didn't know if that was public record....I guess it is only public record when Bunnell uses it to make fun of criminals. Not when you want it to show people what cops are really doing out there. Also, it was a recording of me....why can I not have a copy of that? The Commanding officer also admitted that traffic stops are a great way of finding illegal drugs. He asked me if I saw a car in Virginia on a rural road with out of state tags. What would I think? Boy is that a telling question. In another words you have to prove why you are there. This is the police mind set. If they can see no reason for you being there....you must be up to something.This needs to send shivers down your spine. As Americans we are free to travel. There was a group of people not that long ago that made you show your papers at check points...know who I am talking about? NAZIS!
I also told his commander that while I was setting on the side of the road with his officer that already demonstrated his ability to abuse his power at will. I was concerned for my safety. But now that I am safely in Missouri there will be hell to pay. They stepped on the wrong person this time. You watch cops. How many times have you seen videos of a car getting hit at a traffic stop by passing cars. That was on a four lane. This was a narrow two lane. What is more dangerous....tail light out....setting on the side of a road while traffic wizzes by...think about it.
Well, they are going to review the tape. I will post any replies on my website. Believe me. This has just begun!!!! I will fight all the way. Stay tuned for updates! Live free or die!!
Creedance and Bishop Show Party!
Wow, what a party! We had the best time ever. It is hard to believe how much fun these guys are to hang around.
The pictures below were taken at the Rock 105.5 Creedance and Bishop party in Snead Ferry North Carolina. It was held at Cherry's Gentleman's Club. Funny...no Gentlemen seemed to be there. There was a lot of guy assholes there. Just no gentleman....go figure.
MY HOME FOR THE NIGHT
CREEDANCE
BISHOP
THIS ONE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF
South Dakota...PROFILED AGAIN!!
I still had to get from Council Bluffs, IA to Missoula, MT...see I told you I drive a lot! Well, this drive was going to suck for one simple reason. I was profiled again.
Now, I want to take the time here to say something. I know I may have said it other places on my site before. Yet, I feel the need to say this again. I am not against the police. They serve a very needed purpose, they are there to protect us from CRIMINALS. At least that is how they started. I remember not too many years ago I had some of the best police friends you could imagine. Then something just happened. They quit being friendly. Then profiling started and cops began to look at every person to see if they were criminals. The Supreme Court said cops no longer needed a search warrant to search cars, only probable cause. I knew at that moment it was a bad thing. That my friends was the beginning of the end. Just remember, when you give up your rights for the good of all....you get neither! So the police motto of "To Protect and Serve" went to "To Collect and Disturb". No I am not being to harsh here. Just read this story and realize this happens to me way to often!
So I am just bopping along interstate 90 in South Dakota. My radar detector starts to sing. 
I am approaching radar. I look at my speedo...it reads 75mph..I am in a 75mph zone...no problem...or so I thought.
The South Dakota trooper passed me going the other way on interstate. he then dives into the median stip. Pulls out in front of traffic causing everyone to slam on their brakes and begins to track me down. I am trying to figure out what I have done. He settles in about three feet off my bumper. He follows me for a few minutes and then hits the lights. This is bullshit!
I am completely pissed. I know I was not doing anything wrong. This was a profiling stop! He strutted up to my window. Drug Interdiction Nazi's...oops sorry..cops all have the same cocky strut. You see enough of them and you will know what I mean. They are better then the world. They can judge a criminal at a glance. They are making the world better. All of this is bullshit!
I roll down my window with ID in hand. I have played this game many times. I hand him the ID. he looks at it and says "Mr. Ellison the reason I pulled you over was the objects hanging from you rear view mirror". The items, a 2 inch by 2 inch picture of my kids. "Now if you take them down now I will just write you a warning citation" he says. Do you see the beauty of this. He looks nice, see honey he just wants to warn us. All the while he is just looking for any reason to search your car!
He asks me to step back to his cruiser. Still another uneccesary step. he wants you to open your door so he can look inside your car to see if he can see a reason to search. I have played this game before! Once inside the cruiser let the profiling question begin. They all do it the same way. they start writing a warning citation and the begin to pretend to make small talk. "So, where are you going?" he asks. I reply with disgust in my voice " Missoula Montana". "What are you doing there?" he asks. This question is totally designed for him to determine if you have his permission to be on the highway. "I am a comedian" I reply, the anger now completely in the open. "Where do you go after that?" he asks. I said "Why do you ask? Do you want to follow me like the Dead heads do?" I thought this question would wake him up. But, he was a bigger moron than even I imagined.
"What did you do before comedy?" he asks. I looked back and said "Why? Are you writing my biography?" He then looked at me. I said "Look I know what you are doing here. You profiled me." He says "I did not profile you." He now knew I was on to his game and his world was about to fall apart. I then said "Look, I have been pulled over no less thsn 12 times in the past 10 months by you yahoos! I have been pulled over for 72 in a 70, following to close, crowding the white line, hood fluttering" He then says "Hood fluttering, I find that hard to believe". I quickly replied "You just pulled me for DANGLING OBJECTS!" I then went on "Look I know your game very well. You make up a reason or pick a small reason to pull someone over. Then you play 20 questions and try to find a reason to search the car" He then says "I am working drug interdiction". No shit Sherlock! I already knew that!
He now is ready for me to leave his car. I am on his game and he is completely unarmed for this little mental game. he is used to people that cower in his presence. Not ME! He hands me my warning citation for "Dangling Objects" NO SHIT! It was on the ticket. I am now going to make my point. I look at him and I say "I guess they don't have laws against broken windshields in this state". I guess this pissed him off. How dare I point out that his car has a broken windshield.
He then does the most typical cop thing. He says "Well, why don't I just write you a ticket for your violation?" I don't think this is the reply he expected. I looked at him with complete anger in my eyes and said "Do IT! If you can write me a ticket, do it! I dare you! I want you to stand in front of a judge and explain to him that you dived through the median strip. A move that would have netted me our any other driver, except for a cop, a wreckless driving ticket. Pulled out in front of on coming traffic, almost causing an accident. All the while having a windshield that is broken from side to side. Do it, I dare you!" I had called his bluff. he was now in a bad situation. He was going to lose! He then says "You need to go"
I was not done. I then said as I left his car "I hope you are proud of yourself. While you set here writing me a warning citation for pictures of my kids in your broken windshield car. Somewhere, a woman is being raped, someone is being killed and robbed. Yet, you can be proud. I no longer have my kids pictures hanging where I can see them. Yes, you can be proud of yourself. You have made the world safer!"
I walked to my car and then a great thought hit me. I took a business card back to him. I gave it to him and told him to come to my site and see his story. So, if you are reading this officer, I could not read his chicken scratch, so we will call him officer Richard Head. Kiss my butt! I am telling the whole world about your profiling drug interdiction bullshit!
Before I close this story let me tell you how profiling works. A cop sets on the side of the highway. You see a car that has out of state tags and what you consider a suspicious driver. You make up a reason to pull them over. Then you try to find a reason to search the car. Oh, I can hear you out there. They need probable cause to search. Please allow me to show you how this works.
They now have you pulled over. they walk up to your car and smell. Do they smell drugs? Probable cause number one. The beauty of this is, all you have to do is "say" you smelled drugs. It is your word against the cops. You lose!
The ask you out to write a warning citation. Probable cause number two, they look in your car for any reason to search.
In the cruiser they play twenty questions. You mess up on any question and that becomes probable cause number three. If they ask to search and you deny...probable cause number four.
Folks this game is bad! It is wrong! It is unconstitutional! Stand up for your rights! The politicians will not do it for you!!!
MORGANTOWN, WV
Wow, the road trip starts shitty. I know the first few days comments were good. But I am just trying to sound up...you know....silver lining in the shitty clouds. I arrive in West Virginia at the hotel where the club is. I am supposed to stay there. Here is a road lesson for ya! If when you approach the front desk to check in and you tell them that you are the comedian...and they say you need to see so and so....you are going to get screwed. This was no exception.
They were over booked...blah blah blah...ok Sparky...just were am I going to stay? Well, we will give you 50 to find a room. I ended up in the Morgantown Motel. Consumer warning here. Never stay in the hell hole Morgantown Hotel!!! This place brings a whole new meaning to HELL HOLE! I could not get the room to cool down. It really was a hell hole! It was 40 degrees outside....I had my window wide open....I was sweatting bullets! This place sucked! Get the point?
The show went well. I really enjoy the crowd there!! Acommadations sucked though.
MAC'S COMEDY SCENE AT J.W. BREAKERS...SIMPSONVILLE, SC
Had a great time in Simpsonville. Nothing but great things to say about the club. The people at the club are the best! The owners of the club are the best! If you are in Simpsonville, SC this is the club to go to!
HERE IS AN OLD ROAD STORY...OTTUMWA,IA
It was about November 1996. I was in the deep pits of depression. I was drinking heavily and really didn't give a shit about much. The divorce had turned my drinking free. I don't think I was sober more than about 4 or 5 hours a day. This night was no different.
I was working with Janine Garner in a little one-nighter run by Ken Muller. The show was over and I was well into my 6th beer and 4th shot of Tequila! I guess you could say I was a little fucked up....just a little. This guy with a pony tail starts buying shots and then he asks me the craziest question. He was sluring his speech but this is what he said "Do you want to pet a lion?" I thought he was crazy! I said back "Dude...we are in Ottumwa Iowa....I don't think there are any lions around here". He then proceeded to inform me that his parents owned the local Zoo. He said he would take me there. I was trashed and it sounded like fun.
So, I asked Janine if she wanted to go? I think she was as plowed as I was, she quickly agreed. Alcohol is evil that way. It kills all judgement! I rode with dude and his girlfriend in this little GEO Metro. Janine got a ride from the son of the owner of the hotel we were staying in. The idiot I was with was driving so fast it scared the living shit out of me. I was sure I was going to die. He was flying down gravel roads. I was trying to spread out in the back seat. I was hoping that if we flipped I would somehow survive! We almost ran of the road many times. I had absolutely no idea of were I was! But, all at once.....did that sign say.....Ottumwa.....wildlife....park? Wow, they had a fucking ZOO!!!!
We pulled up to the gate of the ...zoo....remember we are in Iowa. We pile out of the cars. The moon is full and casting an erie light on everything. So there we are, 5 drunks with two six packs of beer in tow. Dude starts trying to open the gate. But, none of his keys are working. I am starting to get nervous now. Maybe this guy was just bull shittin' me. So, I begin to worry the cops are going to show. What the fuck! I will just plead stupidity! What cop wouldn't believe I was stupid. There I am in the middle of Iowa...on a full moon....with 5 drunk people.....two six packs of beer......3am.....in my stage clothes and Janine in her's.....trying to break into the zoo. Yepper, I think that would qualify me as stupid. Nope, really fucking stupid!
After trying for about 15 minutes to get the gate open he gives up. Then he says "Let's just climb the fence!" Oh yea, his parents own this place. He starts to climb. Now, I have two options. Stay by the car. If, the police show up at least I am not on private property. Or, go with them, plead stupidy....add it to the list from above.....and probably have the time of my life. I was drunk. No common sense and a little bit of a death wish. You figure out what I did!
I am climbing the fence, a 14 foot fence with barb wire at top. Go figure, barb wire on top. Hum, I think this fence was put up to keep idiots like me out. Nah! Just a coincidence. We all make it inside. Dude tells us to follow him and takes of through the muddy barnyard....sorry....zoo.
Remember, we are in Iowa, let me describe the "zoo". First of all there is mud everywhere! No sidewalks. No gravel paths. Just MUD! By the light of the full moon I begin to see the "Lion cages". The cages looked exactly like the typical Iowa corn cribs. You know, chicken wire and a tin roof. No shit! All that was between me and the lion was.....chicken wire!
As we approach the Lion cage I hear a deep roar coming from the darkness. I couldn't believe it, a Lion was approaching. The Lions approached us, there were two, a male and female. It was so cool, I was inches away from them. I just couldn't believe it. I leaned forward to get a closer look. The female reached from the cage with her paw and grabbed my arm and pulled it to the cage. She began licking the beer I had in my hand. This was so cool! But, she began to look upset and I was getting nervous. Dude starts walking away and says "Come over here, we have tigers too".
We walked over to another "cage". There she was, she was beautiful. It was a large Tiger. She was rubbing the cage like a big housecat. She looked very friendly. Dude runs up to the cage and says "Pet her, she is really friendly". I walked up to the cage and reached in to pet her. She just rubbed up against the cage harder. She was very friendly. Dude told me to put both my hands in the cage. I did, she came over and put her head right in my hands. It was so cool, I was scratching her chin and staring in her big eyes. They were about the size of saucer plates. I wanted to stay there all night. But dude says "Come over here and kiss the bear".
We walked over to another cage to "kiss the bear". There stood a big black bear. He was standing up against the edge of the cage. I was instructed to put my face up against the cage. I did, the bear kissed me. It was fun. He gave me a big ole wet kiss. He kissed Janine too. Enough fun, got to get home.
The next morning we had to wake up soon. We didn't get home until 5am and we had to be up at 9am to drive. At about 9 Janine called me. She was obviously hungover and trying to piece together the night. She said "My clothes are covered in mud.....I think I kissed a bear last night.....oh God...please tell me I just kissed the bear!" We laughed our asses off over that. I know it was dangerous. I know I could have been killed or mamed. But if no one took chances we all would still believe the world was flat. Sometimes you have to take chances to have fun!
CANTON, OHIO 6/1/01 and 6/2/01
Well, I had a great time in Ohio. I just had a shitty time getting there. Yes, the tour schedule may seem small in the summer. But, personal things can always complicate life.
To start with, my parents were supposed to celebrate their 50th wedding aniversary the week before. The only problem with this idea was...no one told them they were supposed to celebrate at that time! I have to schedule my work months in advance. So, there was no changing my work in Ohio when they moved the party! I was not going to miss their 50th celebration. Hell, I think if you make to 50 years and are still married you need a trophy. Or a straight jacket, depending on how the 50 years went.
So, I had to make arrangements to bring everyone to the big party. I was having car problems so I borrowed my roomates car. Well, she never had been to West Virginia so she wanted to go too. So here we go my roomie Lorena, her dog Doc and my 2 kids and me to West Virginia. Oh yea, did I mention we are all going in a Ford Escort? You look at the guest list. You look at the car. You do the math! It was going to be a bitch of a drive! The trunk was full to the top! The car wasn't much better. We were packed in like Sardines.
Let's add some more to this equation. I had a little gig in Jacksonville, NC the night before we left and I was working on very little sleep. How little? You ask. Try this on for size. I got up at 7am on Wednesday. Did my errands and changed the oil in my car. Drove 4 hours to Jacksonville, NC and did a show. Drove home 4 hours and arrived at 3am on Thursday. Went to bed at 4am. You are probably saying why an hour after you arrived home? I can't just go to sleep after trying to stay awake for hours while driving. get out of bed at 10am on Thursday. Do all the errands and change the oil in my roomates car. I pick up the kids and go back home to pack.
For whatever reason we do not get up on the highway until 9pm. This is going to be a bitch of a drive! I am already tired and we have 500 miles to go. The first few miles do not dissapoint me. If this drive is going to suck, it might as well suck all the way. The tunnel out of Virginia Beach is backed up for miles! We lose 45 minutes there and we haven't even left Virginia Beach!
Happy to be past the tunnel. I now set my sights for making up the time. I quickly encourage the kids to be quiet and go to sleep. As any parent will tell you, this is the best way to travel! If the kids are asleep there is no fighting and bickering and Dad threatining to turn this car around. But, the dog is a different story.
Luckily the dog is a small Corgi. Well, if you consider 46lbs small! OK, so he is big enough. Well, he just can't sit still! He is climbing all over the kids and driving me crazy at times. Finally he settles on the floor and stays there.
Finally the drive settles in and I begin to haul ass! We ended up arriving in 7 hours in Parkersburg, West Virginia! It is now 4:30am. I have been awake way to long. But, there is more to do. Oh, the glamorous life of a comic. I still have to drive 146 miles to Canton, OH and do a radio show. The show is at 7:30am so I have to leave now!
I crawl into the car and off I go! But first I have to fill with $1.75 per gallon gas! This is bullshit! The funny part of the stop is the hand written signs on the pump. Warning automatic shutof may not work! Now I know if you read this you may be thinking...Dan mispelled off. No! This is exactly how it appeared on the pump. Yes, I was dealing with a gas station full of morons! They obviously were not sharing in the profits being made at the pump. To bad too, they could have used the extra money to buy soap and maybe use it in a shower!
So up on the highway I go! Set the coordinates and plan for the jump to hyperspace. I am starting in West Virginia and the speed limit is 70mph. I haven't seen a cop in hours...so...let's Rock and Roll! I let it all hang out! I arrive at the Ohio border in minutes. This is were I run into the Asteroid field!
Within miles of crossing the Ohio border my Radar Detector begins to sing like an snitch for a 20 rock! Folks, if you ever travel I-77 in Ohio, WATCH IT! Ohio is the prime example of police being used as a tax collecting agency! Protect and serve! Bullshit! Collect and disturb! These morons are everywhere!
Please allow me to speak my mind here. I really want you to think about this. If a cop is sitting in their car in the median strip of an Interstate. And, he has an assigned area to patrol. And, he is sitting in one place....who is patrolling the rest of his area? No One, that's who! Look at it this way. If you get the police out of the median strips of interstate and into the neighborhoods. If they spent half as much time trying to catch robbers and rapists, as they do trying to make teir cruiser look like a tree. Crime would end tomorrow morning!
Now, some of you will say "Speed is dangerous!" No, if speed were truly dangerous the cops speeding to catch a speeder would be dangerous. Then, you would say "But, they are experienced drivers!" Folks, I have driven over a million accident free miles in the past 13 years of comedy. I will put my skill up against any cops! Never let a Government agency have the right to do things that you do not have the right to do! Try this on for size. We will never reach the vision of the Jetson's with are current attitudes. The highway system was designed for 75mph when the cars had shitty suspensions. With the current suspension designs in cars 80mph and 90mph are safe! If we ever do get jet car technology they will be limited to 65mph because we are too scared!
So I arrived half dead at the radio station Rock 107. Great guys by the way. I had much fun with these to cats! I think they were scared I was not going to be able to perform. But, as usual, when you put a michrophone in front of me....something just happens! Instant energy and away we go! They let me rant for about 40 minutes. Then back to the road and 2 hours to a bed.
The drive my parents house was just as infested with cops. If I ever want to commit a crime I will come to this part of Ohio. Because, all the cops are to busy writing tickets to people just wanting to make time. Hey, sidenote here....have you ever witnessed a cop doing the speed limit? Hell no! They want to make time just as much as we do!
So finally I get to sleep for a whole 2 hours. Then it is up to mingle and spend time with my family. Before you know it, it is 6pm and time to drive back to Ohio again. Yes, once more into the gauntlet!
I again arrive ticket free. The club in Canton was nice but the sound system left a little to be desired. I blew my voice out big time! I was also a little off of my show. But all in all, it went well. Then back into the car for the 2 hour ride back to my parents. Do you see a pattern developing here?
We oversleep in the morning and are a little late to my parents party. But that too went well. Then guess what? Yepper, back in the car and back to Ohio. I had a great show that night. They had rearranged the sound system and things were definately better. Had a great show and met some great people. Then one more time into the void. A 2 hour drive home.
Again we slept late. I guess it was finally catching up to me. I was beat and still had to drive home. So, I was going to drive fast on the way home. I also had a close call. But, from my close call you can learn. I was sailing with 2 trucks down WV turnpike and I do mean sailing! We were doing about 85mph in a 60mph zone. When the lazer detector goes ballistic! I grab a handfull of emergency brake. Yes, I said emergency brake. Folks if you learn one thing here, learn this. When you slam the brakes you are telling everyone behind you that you are slowing down. A cop will see this and assume you know you are speeding. they are closing on you and can not tell how fast you are going. Also, when you use the emergency brake the nose of your car does not dive. So, you can not tell a car is decelerating from the front! This would payoff right now.
The two trucks I was following left me behind. I was just looking for the cop that had just nailed us with lazer. No one was around. So, I took off to catch up. I quickly caught up and joined back in the race.
Here is another rule of performance driving, watch your mirrors! I caught a quick flash of blue back in the traffic. He was hauling ass! If he was doing anything it had to be well in excess off 100mph. I grabbed the emergency brake hit my turn signal and hauled her down from 90mph to 66mph in a blink! I was in the left lane about 2 seconds. The two trucks I was following were about 150 feet ahead of me. The cop sailed past me and slowed down by the first truck and pointed at him. He then set off to track the other truck down. He pulled him over and the other truck pulled over also. I drove by doing my best impression of a law abiding angel. No ticket! No shit!
We soon arrived home and I took a well needed rest. I was glad to see this one in the books.
