Best Howie
~Howie~~
Will they EVER stop asking the same question…are the Backstreet Boys breaking up? It’s the same every time we do something new. How many times do we have to tell them ‘No, we’re just taking a break.’ You know, there are times when I just want to say, ‘We have personal lives to live too’ but I don’t. I simply hold my tongue, reassure them that we’ll be back, and keep smiling.
What does she want NOW? This chick is asking something but I missed the question. God, I don’t know where my head is today. Thankfully, Polly stepped in and saved the day. I have got to get my mind focused on this day but it’s just too hard. What I really want is to get away from here, go find my wife, and let her hold me while I cry. She’s the only one who knows what I’m feeling. Oh, my mom and sisters would understand but I don’t dare tell them. They don’t need the burden because I know they’re feeling the same way too. And I can’t tell John because he’d call me a wimp. No, my wife is the only one right now whom I can turn to.
Man, this is NOT working. I’m as irritable as an old bear and it’s showing. Angie just elbowed me because I gave a short answer. Even if I could get out of here, there’s still the rest of the day to get through. I wish I hadn’t insisted Brett stay in the room. I need her now to keep me focused.
~~Brett~~
The phone woke me and now I fight to keep down my breakfast. It was Pollyanna begging me to come to lunch with Howie. She thought we’d had an argument because of his mood. She doesn’t realize that his mood is directly related to what today is and I didn’t tell her any differently. I respect Howie’s wishes on this and I know that he won’t tell any of his family. He’ll just hold it in until we’re alone and then he’ll cling to me, crying like a baby. It’s been like this ever since I met him….the same day every year.
As I dress, I know he’ll be worried about me but relieved to have me by his side. If I hurry, I’ll be able to get some lunch too. I also know that when I tell him my news, he’ll be thrilled. Maybe it’s a good thing Pollyanna called and woke me. This will definitely brighten his day.
I pass several fans in the halls and stop to sign autographs. They tell me how much they’re enjoying the cruise and how much they adore Howie. It makes me feel good inside to hear someone praising Howie.
Reaching the dining room, I scan the crowd quickly searching for him. I spot him at a table with several fans, winners of a raffle to have lunch with him. One of the ladies is a regular on the cruise and acts as though she’s a long-lost friend. That thought alone makes my stomach churn.
As I watch him, my heart breaks knowing the pain he’s feeling. He’s trying so hard but the solemn expression is a dead give-away. The friendly smile is missing, as is the twinkle in his beautiful brown eyes.
He spots me making my way to him and you can see the relief on his face. He makes his excuses and quickly heads towards me.
~~Howie~~
I’ve changed tables yet again in an effort to give everyone a chance to see me. This should be the last table and I can escape them all for a little while. Hopefully, Brett will be feeling better and can join me this afternoon.
Oh what a table this is! My ‘stalker’ as Brett calls her is here. I can’t help but agree. She appears at every event the Foundation does as well as every Backstreet event. She’s even gone so far as to leave things on my parents’ doorsteps. I use to be flattered but now it’s just annoying.
As she drones on and on about what she’s done for the foundation, something catches my eye. I look up to see my wife heading towards me. Even though she’s pale and I know food is the last thing on her mind, she is there and I know it is for me. The relief I feel pushes aside all other emotions for the time being. Politely, I excuse myself and rush to meet her.
Taking her in my arms, I feel her body pressing against me and it’s all I can do to hold back my tears. She knows it too as she runs her fingers through my hair and whispers softly.
"It’s okay, ‘D’. I’m here now."
Oh god! Right at this moment, she is my strength and I hold her tight in my arms wanting to whisk her away.
Her warm hands cradle my face and she looks into my eyes. Speaking ever so gently, she tells me, "Baby, I know you’re hurting but you need to hold it together a little longer."
Like a little boy, I need her approval. Pleading, I ask, "I need to get out of here, baby."
"Not yet, ‘D’. It’s not over and I need to get some lunch."
"Do you feel like eating?"
Brett smiles tenderly, "Sorta." Leaning to me, her soft lips touch mine and she whispers, "I’m pregnant."
~~Brett~~
From the day I met him, Howie had never hidden his feelings over his sister’s death and today, on the anniversary of her death, it was no different. His guilt for not being there in time to say goodbye was as strong now as it was that day and his grief was overwhelming. The cruise was meant to help the family get through this tough time while doing something in her memory to help others.
I knew that my news would make the world of difference to him, bring him out of this depression he was feeling and I was right. As I whispered that I was pregnant, the look of complete surprise followed by the return of the twinkle in his eyes was confirmation that I was right. He grabbed me in a fierce bear hug as he hollered with joy spinning me around.
His happiness is all I ever want and I have brought him that. I know in my heart that this is a little girl to take away the pain of Caroline’s death for him. God has his ways of making things better for us all and this was his way of telling Howie that he didn’t need to feel guilty any longer. He has paid his penance with the foundation. It was time to move on and be happy. From this day forward, he would be able to smile on this day knowing it was the day I had told him we were having our first child.
