His relationship with Buffy was a farce and he knew it. Physically she mastered him, used and abused him. He told himself that he allowed it and that was why. In truth it was because she was stronger than him. But mentally? Oh that's where he reigned. He fucked her over good. In the end he had her so twisted up inside she couldn't tell up from down. He could take being mastered one way as long as he got his back in another. With Willow it was different. She was top dog in every way. It would be a lie if he said that didn't bother him. Even with Angelus he had something. He was smarter. Oh Angelus was stronger, more dangerous, and the Alpha but Spike was smarter than him. He knew how to manipulate his Sire into doing what he wanted. That also didn't work with Red. So essentially, it left Spike with nothing in the way of power.

Then there was Buffy. Yeah, he came back here to kill her, her and all her friends. Except Willow, she was supposed to be his Childe, his Mate. But the Slayer was dead, or so he'd been told and the Scoobies were too. Red was the Master of Sunnyhell and all his plans fell to shit. But was his Witch right? Buffy was a weakness, would he have gone back to being her lapdog? Would he have decided to turn her instead? It was a question he'd never even considered, he thought she was dead. But tonight changed things, brought up questions that he had no answers for. Did he still love the Slayer? Even a tiny bit? Would he risk what he had here with Red to get Buffy back? Did he even want to? Hell for that matter was Buffy even the same person? A year and a half of containment and torture would change anyone. Especially some one who thought she was in hell.

Spike went out to the balcony and sat down. He lit a cigarette and thought about his past. With Dru he had all the control, he was stronger, smarter, saner, and he reveled in it. He loved the power of being in complete control of someone. Then she got hurt in Prague. After that things changed. She became weaker and he had to take care of her. He actually liked that part, but she also got nuttier. Days would pass where she would do nothing but talk to the stars or her dolls. She demanded that he attend tea parties with the dolls and dance with them. It got tiring, he longed for someone to talk to. Then He got Dru all better. Physically at least. Mentally she was still nutty as hell. Then Angelus came back, only he was even crazier than Dru! He Hated that time in his life. Trapped in his own personal hell with two insane Vampires. Where Dru would talk to the stars and sing and dance, Angelus' insanity manifested itself in the physical. He tortured, whipped, raped, starved, and beat both him and Dru. And him being crippled at the time had no choice but to take it. So yeah, when he got better he teamed up with Buffy, helped her defeat Angelus and took off with Dru.

And that was the end of His first fucked up relationship. Next stop, Harmony. That one takes all of 30 seconds to sum up. Horny Spike, hot little blonde who was willing to shag. Course she was thick as a phone book. Glad it was over as quick as it was. Next stop, Buffy. Willow's wonky spell started that mess. He couldn't stop obsessing about her afterwards. It took months of trying to ignore it before he finally gave in. Wouldn't you know it he was in bed with Harm. He tried to get it out of his system by role playing with her. Didn't work. Then when Buffy died he figured it was over, last chance was gone. He started to move on, took care of the nibblet just like he promised. Then the slayerettes brought her back. After that it was different. She sought him out. He wasn't chasing her anymore, he didn't have to. He just waited and she came to him. It was fun and all but he knew he was being used. She never loved him. How could she? She was the Slayer, she was supposed to kill his kind. She broke it off, tried to be his friend. He was so close to having her right where he wanted her. He got mad, took off to find a way of getting the chip removed.

Then he came back. Everything was different. He wished he could have watched as the good witch Willow embraced her dark side. Probably a hell of a good show. But now here he was, sitting on a balcony, smoking and reflecting on his life. Like a bloody poof! Was his next thought. He was no closer to knowing what he wanted than he was when he came out here. He loved Red, really loved her. But was it enough? She said she loved him, but in her books love was a weakness not a strength, so did she really? Could she even? How could he be sure? He was tired of being 'Loves Bitch'. He was tired of questioning his unlife. He was tired of thinking.

In short. He was tired. He got up from the chair and padded back into the apartment. When he got to the bedroom he slid back into bed. His Mate curled her warm little body around him and smiled in her sleep. She whispered one word. "Spike." He smiled at her and pulled her closer. Suddenly his world made sense. Yeah he was still 'Loves Bitch' but he was man enough to admit it. His Witch loved him, that was all that mattered right now. The rest could wait 'till later.