I am surprised, however, that Spike was there. I mean yeah, I sorta saved him from Riley but I didn't expect anything from him. I'm embarrassed to admit that I cried like a baby while he held me after I told him about my dream. I'm not sure how to deal with him today; I mean, do I pretend it didn't happen?
A big part of me really wants to do that. Just pretend it never happened; but another part, a smaller-but-still-there part, doesn't want to forget that for the first time since this mess started, I felt safe. I know, talk about crazy huh? I felt safe while being held by a vampire. Ha! If Buffy could only see me now!
I left Spike sleeping in my bed while I came downstairs to the kitchen. I made coffee and toast - Angel doesn't have a lot of people food here - and tried to think of what I'm going to do while stuck here in LA. One thing’s for sure, I'm not going back to Sunnydale. Those people are nuts. If I ever decide to show this to my Giles, I might have to take these pages out first. I am not sure how he would handle knowing what he could have become, what all of them could become.
The ‘me’ in this world? I haven't really met him yet. I mean I saw him, he was in the car the whole way back here with Spike and me, but he was strangely quiet. I say strangely 'cause you know, when am I ever quiet? I tend to babble when I'm nervous, not shut up. I think he's with Wesley, as in with Wesley. Not that it bothers me; I mean Spike, then Faith. Wesley can't be any stranger of a partner, right?
Wrong. I can't help it. I think Wesley, and I see a nervous, uptight, tweed-wearing, busybody who bossed Buffy around and couldn't pull his own head out of his ass long enough to see that everything isn't black and white. Okay, unfair. I know, but that's what I remember. Of course the fact that he works with Angel must prove that he has broadened his outlook somewhat. I just don't see why I'm with him. Why he's with him.
Spike and Faith I can almost understand. Okay, Demon-magnet Harris, right? So a gay or bi version of myself would inevitably wind up attracting either Spike or Angel. Can I just say how happy I am not to have run into a version of me that's hooked up with Deadboy? Nugh! And Faith? Well, I did sleep with her, so obviously there was an attraction. Maybe it was the slayer thing? I lusted after Buffy, thought Kendra was pretty hot, why not?
So, what have I learned about myself so far on this little expedition? Ooh, big word, Giles would be so proud! I've learned that I am terminally attracted to Demons - ex or otherwise, and slayers. And apparently in at least one deviation, a former watcher. Why can't I ever just find a nice normal person to settle down with?
Xander closed his journal and stuck it back into his pants. He really needed to see about getting another backpack. He also needed to get dressed soon. He never knew when he was going to shift realities and he doubted any other Angel would be too pleased to find him in his kitchen wearing his jammies. The thought of the look on the vampire’s face actually made Xander snort in amusement. It might be worth it.
When Spike woke up he was confused by his surroundings. Usually, he was woken at dawn by Riley, dragged out of bed, beaten - sometimes raped - and then made to fetch his breakfast while his master showered. This morning, however, he woke on his own in a soft bed surrounded by the scent of a human that was definitely not Riley.
It took Spike a few minutes to remember where he was and why, but once he did, he couldn't hide the smile that lit up his face. It hadn't been a dream; he was really here, in LA, safe with his sire and Xander. Xander who had rescued him and then broken down and cried in his arms. He couldn't blame the boy, from the sounds of things the place he had been was pretty rough. Not to mention just randomly popping around dimensions. Not exactly a trip to Disneyland.
Spike was no stranger to nightmares, or to crying for that matter. In the years that he had been in 'service' to Riley, he had endured tortures that would have made Angelus cringe. He'd had his fangs ripped out - several times; he'd been beaten and gang raped, buggered with a cross, given an enema with holy water, had his testicles removed - twice. He'd been starved for weeks, blinded, experimented on by mad scientists; had a chip shoved into his brain that crippled him for even thinking about hurting a human and then to top it all off, was forced to kill his lover of over a century.
Dru had shown up with Darla in tow; he still wasn't sure how the bitch had been resurrected. Buffy had found out they were in town and Riley used him as bait to lure them out. He wasn't supposed to stake her, the Initiative wanted to 'learn' about her visions. Spike couldn't let that happen, not after everything he had been through. So he staked her. The only thing that let him live with himself after that was the knowledge that she was better off in hell that at the mercy of Riley and his commando buddies.
He was not sure what happened to Darla; as soon as he staked Dru, Riley shot him with a tazer. He woke up strapped down to a gurney, an ache in his groin, and a grinning Riley looking down on him with a steel bowl in his hand. That was the first time he had been castrated. Good thing for vampires that their parts grow back - eventually.
So yeah, if Xander wanted to cry, Spike wasn't about to stop him. Hell, he wished he had someone who would hold him when he cried. Not that he did a lot of that these days… He had gotten to the point where almost nothing could get to him anymore; he was close to the point of breaking. If not for Xander, Spike was sure that within months he would have been completely lost - a shell of himself that blindly obeyed Riley Finn.
Spike stretched and rolled out of bed. He crossed the hall to his room and grabbed his smokes out of his coat before heading downstairs to the kitchen. That was another nice thing about being here. He could feed when he was hungry, without having to beg for it.