He set the photo albums aside and reached in the box for her diaries. He opened them all and looked at the dates, he wanted to read the one from the last year she was alive. That was the only one with real memories anyway. When he found it he closed his eyes and gathered his strength. He opened his eyes and began to read.

The book was full of teenage thoughts and ramblings. About how unfair life was, how much she missed her mom and resented her sister. Spike couldn't help but chuckle at some of the entries. She disliked Riley almost as much as he did. By the time he got to the night Willow had gone bad he was almost smiling. Then he read the passage.

Today Tara died, it was awful. I came home and no one was here, I found her on the floor of her and Willows room. She was dead. I was so scared, I sat in the corner for hours. Buffy and Xander found me, they told me Willow had gone bad, that she was using dark magic. Buffy insisted I couldn't go with her to find Willow so I asked her to take me to Spike. Xander got mad but she took me anyway. He was gone. I stayed with Clem but I really wanted Spike. He makes me feel safe you know? Next to Buffy he's the strongest person I know.

I tricked Clem into helping me find Racks place, he didn't want to but I can be pretty persuasive. Willow was there already, she tried to kill me. She was going to turn me back into the key. I was so scared until Buffy showed up. Willow transported us to the magic box and then they all started fighting.

Xander told me that Spike tried to rape Buffy. I couldn't believe it. He was like my hero, you know? I thought he was so cool, he was evil but not. Then I found out what he did, I don't know if I can forgive him for that.

Spike couldn't read any further. He closed the book and dropped it back into the box. He had let her down, he had let them all down. All he wanted was for Buffy to love him but he hurt her, he hurt all of them. He hung his head and cried, he cried for his beautiful slayer, for Dawn and for Tara. He cried for the girl Willow used to be before the magic destroyed her. He cried for the watcher, the most stubborn, ballsy man he'd ever met next to Angelus. And he cried for Xander, for the boy he was, who had to endure the death of every one he loved and not be allowed to join them.

Spike was drained, completely. He dragged himself to his feet and stumbled down the hallway to the bedroom. Once iside he flung himself onto the bed and curled up into a ball. He wanted to disappear again, let William exist in this body and just fade away into nothing, just like Dawn.

Spike closed his eyes and tried to sleep but Dawns words kept haunting him. She was gone and he would never get the chance to apologize, to explain how wrong he was. He would never get to make ammends to Buffy for hurting her, and then abandoning her. Regardless of what Alex had said, Spike still felt that he could have prevented this if he had been there. He should have been there.

Alex took his time shopping, he was in no hurry to return home. He needed the time to think, to figure out what was happening. His life was like a never ending episode of the 'Twilight Zone' he half expected to see Rod Sterling step out of the next aisle. This being Sunnydale, it was a very real possibility.

He purchased several pairs of jeans for himself and a sturdy pair of work boots. He wandered around the store looking at various things, avoiding the inevitable purchase of hair gel and jeans for Spike. It wasn't that he wasn't happy to see Spike, it was just that he wasn't sure what would happen with Wil now. Would he come back? Would he still want Alex or would Spikes influence drive a wedge between them?

Eventually Alex gave in and gabbed jeans and hair gel for Spike. He even went so far as to pick up a couple black t-shirts for the vampire as well. Alex made his way to the check out and paid for his purchases, he carried everything out to the car and put it in the trunk. He lit a cigarette, something he hadn't done much lately as Wil didn't smoke, and leaned against the car. He closed his eyes and just let the calming effect of the nicotine take over. When he finished smoking he got in the car and drove home wondering which vampire he'd find when he got there.