Spike loved these few moments he had each day when the soul was still sleeping and he could pretend that it was just him, Spike, that owned and controlled this body. He would fantasize about the things he could do if he had no soul to contend with.

It wasn't about bloody mayhem and torture. Sure there was a part of him that would always crave that, but he didn't need the kill. He could feed without killing. He wanted his identity back. He wanted to cut the loose curls out of his hair, he wanted to strip the honey color from it, leaving it a blaring white. He wanted his jeans. He hated the feel of those soft cotton trousers that William was so partial to. They reminded him too much of the things he wore as a human. That and Angel wore similar pants, the bloody git.

Wil would not tolerate Spikes obsession with black. He did wear it, just not all the time. Spike wanted his duster. He missed it terribly. Wil wouldn't wear it. Too much of a reminder of where Spike had gotten it in the first place. Of course, Spike had trouble looking at it, at first. He remembered the last time he had worn it, going to the slayers place to convince her to take him back. Almost raping the woman he loved, stopping himself just in time, and running away from Sunnydale without it.

He got over it. Buffy was right, they were no good together. She was a slayer and he was a vampire. Besides all that she would always belong to his damned Sire. Angel had marked her, no matter how many times Spike had taken her, she would never be his. Xander was.

It would have been so much simpler if the boy had figured out his sexuality back then. If it were him that Spike had fallen for. He could have, very easily. Just the slightest encouragement that the boy was interested in him and he would have pursued him relentlessly until he gave in.

Of course he had him now, so it had all worked out, right? NO! He had Alex, not Xander. Not quite Xander anyway. Alex was an odd combination of a hard, cynical, distrustful man and the goofy, loyal, too trustful boy that was Xander. It wasn't necessarily a bad combination, just not Xander.

He knew what had happened to the boy to turn him into what he now was. It was a shitty deal for him no matter how you looked at it. He lost not only his best friend from childhood, his other best friend and protector, but he lost a father figure and a kid sister as well. In one moment, his entire life was taken from him. That kind of thing does change a person.

He had changed when Angelus disappeared and left him with Dru to care for all by himself. He became hard, angry, impatient and impossible to be around. He was nothing like the 'William' that had risen from his first death. So yeah, he knew how circumstances changed a person.

But to find out that not only have you been cursed with immortality, that you can still father children who wouldn't be and would therefore die some day while you wouldn't even grow older ... It was beyond cruel. Especially for someone like Xander who had always wanted a family of his own. A real family, not just friends who were like family. So Xander had been forced to change his sexual preference, no matter that he didn't seem to mind shagging blokes, it was the principle of the thing. He would never shag another woman, even if he wanted to. He wouldn't take the risk.

The curse was a gift for Spike. He would never have to turn the man and risk losing him to the demon, he wouldn't have to watch him grow old and die, he couldn't be killed, period. It was a nice feeling, knowing that your lover would always be around.

The only problem was that he didn't have any control over when he got to be with Alex, or for how long. Wil was always there, hovering in the back ground waiting to take back possession as soon as Alex would ask about him. It was bloody unfair. He couldn't do that. Just take over when ever he felt like it. Spend as much time with the boy as he would like to. If only they were separate. He wouldn't mind sharing Alex so much if he and William were separate. If he had his own body.

"I wish I had my own body, then I could do as I soddin' well please."

Spike whispered the plea to no one in particular. Too bad he didn't know he was being watched, otherwise he might have known better to make wishes in front of vengeance demons.

"Done."

Spike shot up in bed when he heard the whispered reply. He frantically looked around the room before his eyes rested on the shadowed figure in the corner.

"You!"

"Me."

And then the world went black.


Chapter twenty-six

Warm bed. Warm body snuggled against him. It was almost perfect. If he could just keep this warm body all to himself, not have to share with his soul ... but that was never going to happen, so no point in dwelling on it.

Spike loved these few moments he had each day when the soul was still sleeping and he could pretend that it was just him, Spike, that owned and controlled this body. He would fantasize about the things he could do if he had no soul to contend with.

It wasn't about bloody mayhem and torture. Sure there was a part of him that would always crave that, but he didn't need the kill. He could feed without killing. He wanted his identity back. He wanted to cut the loose curls out of his hair, he wanted to strip the honey color from it, leaving it a blaring white. He wanted his jeans. He hated the feel of those soft cotton trousers that William was so partial to. They reminded him too much of the things he wore as a human. That and Angel wore similar pants, the bloody git.

Wil would not tolerate Spikes obsession with black. He did wear it, just not all the time. Spike wanted his duster. He missed it terribly. Wil wouldn't wear it. Too much of a reminder of where Spike had gotten it in the first place. Of course, Spike had trouble looking at it, at first. He remembered the last time he had worn it, going to the slayers place to convince her to take him back. Almost raping the woman he loved, stopping himself just in time, and running away from Sunnydale without it.

He got over it. Buffy was right, they were no good together. She was a slayer and he was a vampire. Besides all that she would always belong to his damned Sire. Angel had marked her, no matter how many times Spike had taken her, she would never be his. Xander was.

It would have been so much simpler if the boy had figured out his sexuality back then. If it were him that Spike had fallen for. He could have, very easily. Just the slightest encouragement that the boy was interested in him and he would have pursued him relentlessly until he gave in.

Of course he had him now, so it had all worked out, right? NO! He had Alex, not Xander. Not quite Xander anyway. Alex was an odd combination of a hard, cynical, distrustful man and the goofy, loyal, too trustful boy that was Xander. It wasn't necessarily a bad combination, just not Xander.

He knew what had happened to the boy to turn him into what he now was. It was a shitty deal for him no matter how you looked at it. He lost not only his best friend from childhood, his other best friend and protector, but he lost a father figure and a kid sister as well. In one moment, his entire life was taken from him. That kind of thing does change a person.

He had changed when Angelus disappeared and left him with Dru to care for all by himself. He became hard, angry, impatient and impossible to be around. He was nothing like the 'William' that had risen from his first death. So yeah, he knew how circumstances changed a person.

But to find out that not only have you been cursed with immortality, that you can still father children who wouldn't be and would therefore die some day while you wouldn't even grow older ... It was beyond cruel. Especially for someone like Xander who had always wanted a family of his own. A real family, not just friends who were like family. So Xander had been forced to change his sexual preference, no matter that he didn't seem to mind shagging blokes, it was the principle of the thing. He would never shag another woman, even if he wanted to. He wouldn't take the risk.

The curse was a gift for Spike. He would never have to turn the man and risk losing him to the demon, he wouldn't have to watch him grow old and die, he couldn't be killed, period. It was a nice feeling, knowing that your lover would always be around.

The only problem was that he didn't have any control over when he got to be with Alex, or for how long. Wil was always there, hovering in the back ground waiting to take back possession as soon as Alex would ask about him. It was bloody unfair. He couldn't do that. Just take over when ever he felt like it. Spend as much time with the boy as he would like to. If only they were separate. He wouldn't mind sharing Alex so much if he and William were separate. If he had his own body.

"I wish I had my own body, then I could do as I soddin' well please."

Spike whispered the plea to no one in particular. Too bad he didn't know he was being watched, otherwise he might have known better to make wishes in front of vengeance demons.

"Done."

Spike shot up in bed when he heard the whispered reply. He frantically looked around the room before his eyes rested on the shadowed figure in the corner.

"You!"

"Me."

And then the world went black.