Distribution: Want? Take, have.



I watch him at night, while he's sleeping. He never completely relaxes until I get into bed with him. It's funny that, how I seem to make him feel safe in his sleep. Like he does for me when he's awake. For the first time since those military doctors stuck this chip in my head I feel safe. The irony isn't lost on me. Before the soul, I hated him and he hated me. Or at least we made a good impression of it. I saw things in him that reminded me of myself. Loyalty, innocence, undying devotion to a woman who would never love me, who thought I was beneath her.

Now though, now I understand him better. He loves her, has for years now. The fact that he has been spurned for the very thing that she is sworn to destroy, twice ... It's a surprise he hasn't called it quits and left. I would have.

Not him though. That's what makes him so much better than I am, better than she is, better than most people are. His loyalty. Once he gives himself to a cause, like helping the slayer, he won't quit for anything. Buffy's lucky to have him on her side, maybe she knows that. Maybe that's why she never gave him any encouragement. Better to have a friend like him than to risk losing him over a love affair.

That's why I'll never tell him how I feel. I don't want to risk losing him and his friendship. It's all I have these days, but it's more than I deserve. I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, a chance to redeem my self, and a friend who honestly cares about me. A friend who willingly shares his home, his life, and his bed with me.

We aren't lovers. What we are is complicated, it's not easy to describe. I love him. Not in an obsessive stalkery way like Buffy, not in a you created me and I worship you way like Dru either. I love him like no one else, purely, no hidden agendas, no evil plans. I just love him. He makes me feel safe.

I know it's hard to believe that a century-and-then-some old vampire would need to feel safety from a human but I'm not really a vampire anymore. I'm more like I was before, when I was still human. I still need blood to survive and sunlight is still an issue as are holy objects, but I don't feel the need for violence and bloodshed that I used to.

When I woke from my first death, everything I was, was twisted with hate and lust. I don't have that part of me anymore. I have regained my self control, my sense of self, essentially my soul. And to think I did it all for a woman who could never truly be mine. I always was loves bitch.

Xander will have to get up for work in a couple hours. I miss him when he leaves, the bed feels cold without his warmth surrounding me. I like it when I wake up in his arms. When he holds me I feel loved. I'll fool myself that he loves me for as long as I can. I need to feel loved.