But I couldn’t. No, I had something to do for once. I was on a mission and a little cold weather was nothing but an easily defeated impediment. I recalled again the words Vegeta had spoken, the sheer wickedness he had implied by them.
“I’m going to love your family.” He had said. And yet, it was as if I’d seen through the words, knowing that even as he spoke courteously and congenially, there was nothing of either one in the true meaning. This encounter had been enough. I had seen the impure motives in Vegeta’s eyes as he spoke of my family. I had seen the wicked intentions in his face as he threatened me, using the one thing on this planet that would give me the strength enough to defy him.
It had been the savior I needed badly. The one thing that would push me over the edge and give me the strength to end this disastrous affair we had begun. I could do it now. I knew it.
I even knew how I would do it, flying against the wind and reciting the words over and over again, simple as they were. No, it had to be perfect. As if I meant it. As if, deep inside, my body didn’t somehow ache with this newly acquired need to be fornicated by him. As if with every memory of our encounters, the blood didn’t immediately rush to my lower areas and stimulate my body in ways it shouldn’t. No, this had to be perfect. This had to be believable. Stupid, incompetent ol’ Goku would be convincing yet again.
“Vegeta, you’re sick.” I would say. Yes, that’s good isn’t it? Oh, and then I would go “I don’t know what got into me but it’s over. Stay the hell away from me and my family or you’ll be sorry.” Ok, so it was a rather cliché little speech, but still!
..........
Alright alright, it was terrible! It reminded me of a Power Rangers episode. But by God, it would do the trick. It would have to do the trick and I knew that no matter what he did, no matter what justifications or reasons Vegeta would give me, I would NOT fall victim a third time. One mistake, well, everyone is entitled to that. Human or Saiyan, I was flesh and blood. And the second time? I could always pawn that off as curiosity and a weak moment. But it wouldn’t happen again. I wouldn’t be caught so unaware as the first time. And I wouldn’t be so foolishly curious the second time. No, I was Goku again, Kakarot out of the picture. Like a new being, fully rejuvenated and empowered, I was strong enough now.
I crept like a criminal into Bulma’s house, knowing he was here by the fluttering power level he was giving out. I should have known these hallways like the back of my hand, as much time as I’d spent staring at both of them. But I wandered like a drunk through corridor after corridor, sensing Vegeta’s power level as if it was everywhere and yet in no direct place. Unlit hallways and shadows blinded me to signs or any type of visual that might explain to me exactly where I had wandered, and I was forced to walk onward with no real clue as to where I was.
But as confused as I might have been, as lost and helpless as I might have felt, it was almost like he was calling me, as I followed one direct hallway, not knowing exactly why but venturing forth blindly. It was a strange sensation. The type that people try to explain to you and end up sounding like eccentric, babbling fools. So I wont expound. I simply felt as though I knew where I was going and yet, at the same time, knew that I didn’t. Being summoned. Being called. Being invited, just the same.
I rounded a corner, tripping forward over my own feet at the sight of a dimly lit room, Bulma’s naked back held by Vegeta’s hands as she rode him up and down. The scent of sex automatically drove me insane, my subconscious screaming that it was a dream like all of the others.
I watched Bulma in absolute fascination, no conscience threatening my shameful peaking as I stared in awe at this spectacle. Her head was tossed back towards the ceiling, her gorgeous blue locks dangling low on her back as her butt rose and fell over Vegeta’s rock hard shaft, their breathing coming out at the same time. Her fingers were digging into his abdomen, red marks grazed across his chest. Their breathing was so heavy that I cursed myself. How had I not heard it? Why hadn’t they at least closed the door?
Having to remind myself not to stare, I quickly looked away, blushing profusely as the image was now permanently embedded in my mind. Vegeta’s shapely hands guiding her hips as she slid up and down, up and down, her head falling back in time. I had certainly never seen Bulma like this and I had to catch myself before becoming shamefully aroused.
CERTAINLY too embarrassed to intrude and actually go through with my plan, I prepared to dart away from the scene, escape through the hallways, go home and (God willing) never think on this again. Call it stupidity, call it maybe even a human instinct or reaction, but against what my better judgment told me, I took one last glance, meeting Vegeta’s eyes.
I froze in horror, standing like a deer caught in headlights, denied even the simple commodity of breathing. Oh God, I thought. Oh God, what he must think of me! What this must look like! Goku, the pervert, sneaking like a thief into Bulma’s house at midnight and watching while her and her newly acquired boy toy have amazing sex. I felt unimaginably dirty. And indescribably guilty.
And yet, he simply stared at me, continuing his movements, lifting Bulma over his lap again and again, as if he’d known I was there the entire time. As if…….. As if he’d been expecting me. As if he were putting on a show for an awaiting audience.
With a smirk and a wink, he acknowledged me, gritting his teeth in his smiling mouth and picking up the pace. Bulma began to bounce up and down wildly on his lap, her harsh breathing becoming a moan and soon morphing into a loud crying out each time she slide downwards.
“Oh FUCK!” She screamed, her hair pouring down her back like a water fall, flying this way and that as they continued this borderline violent intercourse. “FUCK ME!”
Their bodies began making that smacking sound of flesh against flesh, until it seemed painful. And mesmerized by Vegeta’s eyes, I just watched from the shadows as he fucked her long and hard, beating her tiny vagina mercilessly until I saw the splash of white cover his shaft, pouring out of her all over his lap.
Her head fell all the way backwards, until I could see the roundness of her breasts and rock hard nipples. If she had opened them, her eyes would have beheld only an upside down vision of me, but they didn’t and her lips quivered as she breathed.
His eyes on me, Vegeta covered her chest and throat with biting kisses until she fell asleep, his body still within hers as he pushed her off unto the bed. She lay on her side completely naked as Vegeta stood over her, gesturing for me to come closer.
My feet were reluctant to move as I shamefully obeyed, my eyes sliding along the floor. I didn’t want to see her. Not like this. Not bare to eyes she had no idea were there. I didn’t want her to be uncovered, unsheathed, my one time fantasy revealed in her sleep with no knowledge of it. If I had ever really dreamt of seeing Bulma this way, it could only have been with her as an active participant with ME. Not as an oblivious porn star that had no idea she was being watched.
And still I obeyed, looking down as the dim lighting caught all the curves of her smooth body, seeing the way she smiled in her sleep, the way her eyelashes fluttered in her dreams.
“Do you want her?” Vegeta whispered, standing there completely naked, his eyes never straying from her body. I stood quietly, my eyes only focused on her face, the one I’d studied for so many years, content with that. Was this a question he was asking? Or an invitation?
“No.” I answered, hating him for doing this. For showing me this. For making me come here tonight and witness this whole, despicable display. An innocent, submissive beauty, stained by a gorgeous beast.
“Good.” He said, finally glancing at me. “Because if you ever touch her again like you did today, I don’t care who you are. I’ll fucking kill you.”
I turned towards him, loving that he’d threatened me again. Loving that he had given me just one more push that I so desperately needed.
“Oh?” I said as a direct challenge, turning to him. “And just how do you intend to do that?”
I had expected something. Anything really. A glare, a counter threat. Hell, maybe even physical violence! But he just smirked, like he knew a secret that I didn’t and yet was content with my ignorance for the moment. He simply walked to the other side of the bed, tossing on a shining, burgundy robe with gold Chinese symbols, snatching up a pack of cigarettes I hadn’t noticed and gesturing for me to follow him outside.
I again, looked shamefully at Bulma, sickened to be in this situation at all, and even more so, to be so infatuated by such a display. Bulma was a woman. I’d seen them before. I’d slept with my wife. And yet there was nothing quite so enticing as the body of a woman, so mysteriously formed, so enchanting in their difference from us. I let my eyes rove around the strange little muscles that created her stomach, the curve of her hips and thighs.
I grabbed the crumpled sheet off the floor, spreading it over her nakedness before following Vegeta. I wouldn’t look at her like that. I’d committed enough sin for a lifetime. I wouldn’t do it to her.
The cold air chilled my body, calming my nerves and settling my arousal. I breathed it in, crossing my arms and staring at the stars, hearing the snap of Vegeta lighting a cigarette. Oh, how I hated the smell of cigarette smoke, appalled that he seemed to have become quite the addict lately. The hookah, the cigar and now his own pack of imported cigarettes from God-knows-where.
“I don’t get it Vegeta.” I sighed, staring upwards. “I don’t get how you seem to be so protective of Bulma, like you actually care for her. And yet……. You treat me the way you do. You do the……” I grit my teeth. “You do the things you do with me.”
He remained quiet, thoughtfully smoking his cigarette, the burgundy robe wrapped around his body.
“Do you care for nothing?” I said to him. “Does anything matter to you at all? Or is everything just one big game? Just one big challenge to you?”
He smiled, inhaling a large amount before walking up in my face, his eyes directly across from mine.
“You call this a challenge?” he laughed, blowing smoke in my face. “Please. What’s a game if you don’t have to even play it to win?”
“FUCK you Vegeta!” I snarled, surprised myself at this rare display of unchecked temperament. “So confident you are?! So fucking sure?! Well guess what?”
I moved closer to him, trying to numb my senses to the beauty he possessed that always hypnotized me. I wouldn’t look at his eyes, enhanced by the shadows that encased them. I wouldn’t watch his lips form words, the shapely, sculpted pieces of maroon flesh releasing hot breath into my face. I wouldn’t be taken so easily. Not this time. No. Never again.
“I came here tonight to tell you it’s done. It’s through Vegeta.” I threw my hand out to the side. “I’m not going to be your fucking pawn. I’m not going to let you intimidate me into doing something I know is wrong. I love my wife, I love my son. And….” I swallowed. “and I love this world that you’re so convinced is doomed. I’m not going to sacrifice or endanger any of these so as to……”
I couldn’t even finish as he smiled at me, smirking even wider with each word I spat. And with each one, I felt less and less sure of myself. All that confidence, all that determination. It was melting away as he mocked my attempts, laughing in my face at each one.
“So as to what Kakarot?” He taunted. “So as to fuck around with me when I want to? You’re not going to sacrifice your family for a good lay once in a while, even if it means turning back to that brittle, frigid old hag you call a wife? Please!” He waved me away. “You never had it so good. And lets just say, that if denying me were so fucking easy….…”
He suddenly grabbed my crotch painfully through my pants, his hot hand holding my penis in his palm.
“You might have done it by now.”
I tried to pull away, shoving at his shoulders with all my strength, only to realize that in this form, it hardly fazed him. I panicked as he pinned me violently against the side of Capsule Corp, his fingers massaging the outside of my pants.
“Tell me you don’t want it now!” he hissed, brutally kissing my mouth, bruising my lips with his teeth. “Come on Hero. Let’s hear it! I’m sure you’ve prepared some grand fucking speech for me.”
I couldn’t even think, pushing against his chest as he held me, touching my body until I grew rock hard within the confines of my jeans. I groaned in pain, the side of the house cracking with the force he was pitting against me.
“Come on bad boy.” He said coldly against my neck, making me shiver. “Tell me what a monster I am! Tell me that you don’t want me to fuck your brains into kingdom come right now! You just say the word candy dick!”
He grabbed me by the shirt, hurling my entire body over his head until I was rolling 10 feet through the dirt. Grass stains clung to my cheeks, my mouth full of mud when I came to a stop, unable to believe the strength he had administered. I had felt completely helpless against him!! I had LET him do that to me.
I stared in shock at him, lying on my stomach on the destroyed lawn. Don’t do it Goku, I told myself. Don’t attack him. Don’t do it because you know you’ll win and then what will happen?
“Nothing to say?” he sneered through clenched teeth. “Good. Then you ought to come by more often, Hero.”
I felt Sin attack that very same night, the dreadful coldness of fear rising in the distance, so powerful that with or without my ability to sense power-levels, knowledge for its part would have eluded to what was happening. I felt the waves of fear and chaos grow larger and larger, until they became titanic, growing to the break of a tidal wave until crashing down, sinking until I felt every life in that area disappear, as though it had never been there at all.
As I flew towards it, I came to a halt, knowing like any fool that I was too late, and like what felt a thousand times before, I would merely reach the scene in which my subconscious would be poisoned with visions of mass blood shed and indescribable gore. I merely stared off in the distance, knowing that I couldn’t do it. As I had failed in cutting off Vegeta, my battle with Sin was a fool’s endeavor for the impossible. I was never going to win. Never.
Arriving home within the earliest of hours, I felt a sort of dejavu, knowing that I had come home at this time all too often lately. And like what felt a thousand times before, I snuggled in beneath the heavy blankets, cautiously listening to Chi Chi’s breathing.
Illusions of bloodshed haunted my dreams, a sort of mix between what had occurred this night and my regular nightmares. I would see Bulma, as she was, straddling Vegeta and riding up and down. And then I would see them both murdered, the victim’s of an unrecognizable monster. I would see Vegeta try to protect them, insisting that he wanted Bulma far far away from where the creature would take her if surrendered. I heard Bulma screaming that she knew, that she knew. That she’d known who I was the entire time.
And then I’d see them both slaughtered in a cruel and animalistic fashion, as if Vegeta hadn’t the monstrous strength he possessed and was a weak insect in comparison to the power I introduced. And the beast that killed them, was always, of course, me.
And then there came the vision of Aries, smiling and shaking his head at me, arms crossed Vegeta’s fashion as he reminded me over and over again, that he’d warned me.
The next morning went about as well as most had been lately, Chi Chi her sultry, discontented self, whining when I watched the news, whining when I ate, whining when I insisted on going out to train.
“That’s right,” She growled. “just go! Walk out like you’ve been doing for months now, just forgetting your poor family at home. And do you ever think of any body else Goku?! Hm?! You hear me?! You even listening?”
I put my hand on the door frame, gritting my teeth to her hair raising pitch.
“Do you ever think of that sick boy upstairs in his bedroom that barely says a word now?! Hm?! Do you ever think that maybe, just MAYBE you deserting him every day might have something to do with his rebellious behavior lately? Damn it Goku!” she slammed a cupboard door, nearly breaking it off the hinges.
“He NEEDS a father! Don’t you get it?! He needs you to be there with him Goku, and you’re not! You’re never here. When you aren’t training you’re out meandering around town with Vegeta!” She pointed to the direction of Capsule Corp, her eyes blazing. “FUCKING Vegeta! The man who came to this planet on a mission to murder us all in cold blood is YOUR new best friend! A twisted FUCK comes to town wanting your attention and you’re SO ready just to trade in your time with your family that you don’t even consider the consequences.”
I walked out the door, ignoring her as much as I could. She was eccentric. There was no way around that. But in so many horrible ways, she was absolutely right. I think I must have hated spending time with my family, as quick as I was to escape them.
“Don’t you walk out on me,” She threatened. “I KNOW you were with him last night.”
I froze, my teeth clenched so hard in my mouth that my jaw became a large ball on the side of my face.
“I KNOW you went to see him and God forbid whatever he’s gotten you into. Coming from that bastard, its obviously nothing good. And you’re so damn naïve, you’d buy a bag of dirt if Vegeta told you to.”
I turned on her, seeing the rare look of surprise beam over her scowling features, her mouth set in an O shape.
“Well you know what YOU are Chi Chi?!” I snapped, trying to control my temper. “You really wanna know? You’re a presumptuous, assuming bitch who puts herself on a pedistool. You expect perfection out of everyone because you refuse to see anything less in yourself. You want to know where I was last night?! I was out trying to stop Sin! I was out trying to save the world from more crushed lives and deaths. I was out trying to do the very thing that I’m supposed to be able to do and I was with the one person who could help me.
“You would think that saving the world countless times would account for something but not with you Chi Chi. Its never enough with you.”
I stomped away from her, my entire body hot with anger, preparing to take off just as I heard her sniff, my temperature dropping. She was crying. My mind told me not to care. My mind reminded me of all those harsh things she’d said, all the cruel things she’d called me. How she embarrassed me in front of Bulma and Vegeta, how she’d degraded me to the point of shame. How it was HER fault that I went to Vegeta, just to get some sexual attention for once. Just to feel like I was a person again instead of a floor mat!
But my heart, the stronger creation, reminded me of how strongly I loved this woman. My heart reminded me how beautiful she was in my eyes, the mother of my child that struggled every day to create within me and my son values and beliefs that would make us better people. My wife who would fight to the death for either one of us. My wife who nearly boarded a spaceship and launched herself all the way to Namek just to get her husband and son back safely.
I turned towards her, my heart softened as she stood there, mouth covered by her hand as she sobbed hysterically, crying like she hadn’t since the day the doctor told her there were complications with her pregnancy. Since the day we were told that Gohan wouldn’t make it through the night. Come to think of it, she hadn’t like this since the next morning when we both awoke to a healthy, strong baby crying alone in its crib.
I was confused at this display, seeing how strongly her chest rose and fell, gasping like she was dying. I felt my insides breaking when I watched her.
“Oh Goku,” She bawled. “I’m so sorry.”
Sorry. A word I don’t think I’d ever heard her use before. But then, how could she ever claim to be sorry when she never thought she was wrong? I went towards her, gathering her in my arms, gasping in shock as she fell down to her knees, crying like I’d never seen her do. Collapsing under the weight of a thousand tears, unshed for such a long time.
“I cant do this anymore,” She sobbed. “I just cant!”
I looked at her confused, my body feeling cold suddenly, blood rushing out of my face.
“Cant do what?” I whispered gently, rocking her as we lay in a heap on the grass. “Chi Chi, what can’t you do anymore?”
“I can’t be with you anymore Goku!” She cried. I thought I would die right there, in that very moment. “I can’t…….. PRETEND to be the strong one anymore. I can’t pretend that everything is fine and that I don’t feel like I’m breaking down when I wake up alone in the mornings. I can’t pretend to love someone who doesn’t love me!”
I didn’t even say a word, just trying to grasp what she’d just said. My heart constricted. I couldn’t even hear what she was saying now. I was still stuck on the “cant be with you” part.
“You are….” She sobbed. “EVERYTHING to me. If I thought that I didn’t love you with every part of my soul I might actually have the strength to leave but I DON’T Goku! I need you like I need blood in my veins. You’re my world and its all crashing down. I can’t be strong anymore Goku. I can’t be strong when I’m all alone in this marriage.”
Not one word came to my mouth as I listened.
“It hurts,” she sobbed, touching her chest over her heart. “it hurts in here every day. You destroy me with my love for you, Goku. It makes me weak and helpless because I cant survive this life if I think I have to live it without you. You leave and I feel like a piece of my heart is going with you. And every single time you go it takes more and more and now I feel like I have nothing left. I’m empty when you’re gone. God,” She threw her head up to look at the sky. “Do you have any idea how much I miss you?”
I listened to her cry for a while, wishing that I even had the strength enough to do it. But then, I never cry. I feel so strongly and yet, never have the strength to cry. Never.
“I remember,” she smiled through her tears. “I remember how much I loved you, from the moment I saw you. People say there’s no such thing as love at first sight but that’s bullshit. I loved you like I’ve never loved anything this world has ever shown me. My brave little warrior, grown into a handsome man.”
Her lips began to quiver and fresh tears formed.
“My hero when I think there’s nothing left to be strong for.”
I buried my face in her hair, wanting so much to cry. People say that real men don’t, but that’s not true. It takes the strength from a real man just to push them onwards rather than letting them wallow there within.
“I remember when Gohan was born, how, even when they said he wouldn’t make it, and that I should say goodbye, I stood beside you and I wasn’t afraid. I was with you and I knew that I could be strong. And I knew that even as I prayed those long hours through the night, in the morning, I would awake and no matter what, I’d always have you. I thought my heart would break but it didn’t because you were beside me, holding me through the night.
“And when the sun rose, when I found that I’d been sleeping after hours and hours of tear drenched prayers, you held me tightly and I thought to myself that he’d died, and that I had survived it because you were there with me to say goodbye. I let him go because you would never leave me. I had the strength enough to give my baby back to God because I was able to keep one gift. And when he started crying,” She bawled, shaking her head. “I’d never known the world could be so beautiful. Holding him in my arms was like breathing for the first time. Like opening my eyes for the first time. Like falling in love for the first time. I thought that nothing in the world could ever take that from me.
“But where are you now? I wake up, hearing stories of death and sadness and heartbreak and you’re not there to keep me strong. You aren’t there to tell me that the world will keep going. You aren’t there to save me anymore Goku. And I can be strong enough for myself. And I can be strong enough for Gohan. But I can’t be strong for you if you intend to give up.”
She held my face, looking into my eyes.
“If you don’t love me, let me go.”
I stared into her eyes for a lifetime it seemed, seeing her as she had been for so many years, the object of my love. The reason I had for saving a world that had too many aspects that Vegeta had described. But I could save a doomed world because she was in it. I could fight for a cursed cause because I was fighting for her.
I saw her as I had seen her one morning when Gohan had first begun to read and write, spelling out words with his chubby dimpled hands, a child with a thousand and one questions about the world. The sun had glimmered through the window planes as they sat there like two immortal beings from a painting.
“Now spell lap,” Chi Chi coaxed as the chubby hand scribble down the letters. “Good, now life, good…..” She had looked up at me, her face brightened with a fresh smile. “now spell love.”
“Love?” little Gohan asked, his voice so high and young. “But that’s not in the book.”
“No,” she smiled. “But it belongs with life. Because life begins with love. And love is a part of life.”
I remembered when her mother died, how she had stood so bravely beside her father as he cried, a huge, intimidating man sobbing into his hands as we stood out in the gray, rainy weather, watching the casket let down into the earth. She was brave enough for them both, looking up at me with tear lined eyes and mouthing the words “I love you. Always.” from across the way.
“Why is mama crying?” Gohan asked me, holding onto my hand. I had looked down at him, my heart wrenching as I tried to explain to a child the painful concept of death.
“Because her mama is gone. She’s leaving us now and mama wont be able to see her anymore.”
He looked at me confused before I knelt down, gathering him against my chest.
“Mama is going to miss her, Gohan.” I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arms around my neck. “She’s going to miss her because she loves her.”
Gohan’s eyes had filled up with tears, surprising me because it seemed that he understood, even at such a young age, what I was telling him. He looked over at his mother, standing so strong against the wind and the cold and the rain, looking so brave as the tears fell down her cheeks when the first white rose fell upon the casket.
“Will mama leave me some day?” He had whispered, burying his face against my neck.
If there was ever a moment in my life where I might have cried, it would have been then.
“No Gohan,” I choked. “We’ll always be together.”
And now here she was, the same woman, asking me to let her go. Asking me to tell her words that would free her of this marriage and this attachment to me.
“If you don’t love me, let me go.”
I just stared at her, wanting to tell her everything I’d done. Wanting to confess how much I loved her and yet how much I’d wronged her all the same. I knew I wouldn’t, but I wanted to. Never forget that.
“Do you remember when your mom died,” I asked, unable to recognize the choked voice that came out. “And afterwards, it was like you became so distant. It was like you weren’t the same person. You would cry at night when you thought I wasn’t awake, you wouldn’t answer my questions when I asked if you’d be alright. You stopped caring about Gohan’s studies and about cooking or cleaning. You stopped caring about anything.
“You would just look out the window as if you thought that if you waited long enough, you’d see her again and get to say goodbye. You would sit there for hours during the day, your hands on your lap, your feet bare and twisted around the bottom of the chair. You said once that you were always told that if you looked hard enough at the sky, you would see the face of someone you loved drawn in the clouds after they died, watching over you. So you sat there wishing you’d see her again, if only for one last time.
“And finally I came to you and told you that she knew you missed her, but that you had to keep on living. You remember that?”
She nodded, still crying.
“I said that your mom had known that you loved her, and that you would miss her every moment of every day for the rest of your life. That your mom had loved you to her final breath and that meant that she wanted you to keep living even though she was gone. I reminded you how proud she had been and how she would be with you when you needed her to be.
“But you said that you wanted to be left alone. You told me to leave you Chi Chi. Do you remember that? You said for me to take Gohan and leave you.”
I choked up, my throat clogged. Chi Chi was sobbing.
“You said the word divorce,” I swallowed, looking up at the sky. “and I even though I hadn’t known what it meant at the time, I’d almost died inside. I just stood behind your chair wishing to God for the strength to stay there with you forever, even as you were. I knew I’d never go no matter what happened. Because I loved you. Because I needed you. And because even though you wouldn’t say it, somewhere inside, you needed me too.”
I held her tightly to me until we were holding each other for life it seemed.
“Don’t give up me on Chi Chi,” I cried with tearless eyes. “Don’t you ever give up on me.”
She gasped, sobbing again, holding onto my neck as she promised she wouldn’t.
“I wont,” she cried, shaking her head. “I’ll never give up.”
We lay together in the grass for hours, holding each other like we hadn’t in years, completely buried in pain, sadness and love for one another. And I found a new reason to oppose Vegeta. A stronger reason than any before.
My love for Chi Chi.
