We lay there panting, the sweat from his chest mingling with mine, the scent of our sex thick in the air. He lay over me, his amazing face only inches from mine as we breathed the same air, the hot breath from his mouth burning against me. I stared at him through half lidded eyes, breathing harder than I can ever remember, thoroughly and completely spent.
Just thinking of our previous actions made the old swoon take over, the warm tickling in my stomach, remembering the way he had kissed me, the way a lover might, something he wasn’t. He had grabbed the back of my hair, running his fingers through the short strands disdainfully, apparently angered that I had cut it so short. And yanking my head back like a barbarian, he kissed my throat until I was weak, until I stopped resisting, until the familiar insanity returned and the sensation that I was no longer the host of my body, simply an unwanted guest.
Through the fog and the mist of my subconscious, I let him throw me backwards, six feet through the air until my back collided with the slick sheets of his bed, sliding to a stop at his head board. He had unbuttoned his shirt wickedly slow, and yes, I can say wickedly simply because I was rock hard with the impatient, sinful desire for him. I wanted it more than I can ever remember wanting anything before.
I was a drug addict for him, the poor forsaken fool that gets sent to a rehab to be detoxed and afterwards, finds himself searching the same streets for the same old killer that had gotten him nowhere from the beginning. I was like a young teen addict that knows where it’s all heading. That knows only disaster and destruction can follow the addiction and yet does nothing to stop the downward spiral.
Yes, like an addict, I consoled myself with the word “freedom” when all the same, I was becoming a slave to the drug. I was anything BUT free.
Still I awaited him, knowing it was wrong, knowing it was stupid, but casting every thought of my family away like it was poison. I wanted sex and by all the stars that light the sky, I was going to get it.
He slid over me, his chest naked, so chiseled and perfect I was almost inclined to push him over simply to look at it. No, I’ve seen naked men before and as far as bodies go, I haven’t a thing in the world to be insecure about, but he was different from me. Perfect. Too perfect.
He pushed against my body, shoving me against the rock hard appendage in his pants, making the crotch area tight and rubbing against my own nearly painful situation. And like that, he had smiled at me before unbuttoning my pants, his eyes beaming with the triumphant knowledge that he had beaten my resolve once again.
And when he had gone inside, the painful, pressurized push that always makes me growl like an animal, he had laughed. No moan. No satisfied look of delight or sexual cry. Just an outburst of taunting laughter, as if he’d just won a battle and was staring down in mock pity at the defeated contestant. And I had just stared up into his eyes while he knocked my back repeatedly against the head board, becoming painfully violent with each other until that inevitable burst that landed us here, the peace and calm after the storm.
Only now, there was no mockery or hateful sex. There was no contest to see whose resolve was more sturdy, who broke the other, who got what they wanted. No. There he lay over me, for once his eyes freed of that dull, detached look and instead, staring into me as though I were a person, rather than any other object for release.
He pushed my hair back, though the tiny strands went nowhere, his lips sinking down against my own once more, kissing me for only a split second, as though he had experienced a momentary lapse of weakness.
“Do you know how beautiful you are?” He whispered, the sound of a thunderstorm clapping outside the windows.
I simply stared at him, not knowing what to say, how to respond to such misplaced flattery.
“No,” he breathed, kissing me again as I just lay there in shock, feeling no emotional attachment and yet a slave to his affections.
“No, beautiful isn’t strong enough.” He shook his head. “You are divine, like an angel. Pulchritudinous beyond the comprehension of humanity. I’ve searched a thousand worlds for someone as resplendent as you and yet found nothing in comparison. You are amazing. Enticing. Yet, too foolish and naïve to ever know it. I suppose no one has ever told you how gorgeous you are, have they?”
Thinking hard, I could only shake my head. Never in my life had I received such compliments and yet I could not force myself to believe that, in the company of such sublime creatures as Sebastian and Aries and even that brut Titus, Vegeta could ever see me as something set apart for commendation. In the face of a thousand beauties, I was a pale comparison.
“No, you remain completely oblivious to who and what you are. So different from the normal little beasts that surround you, you can only look in the mirror and see what they’ve taught you to reflect. To see yourself with true eyes is to see the truest proof of God’s existence. For no creature on this earth, above or beneath the sea, could ever forge something quite as fascinating as you, Kakarot.”
I smiled, an actual smile. Not a knockoff Vegeta smirk nor a goofy, pasted-on-for-the-good-of-society grin. A real smile that I hadn’t felt in what seemed like, (and very well could have been), years. Such flattery! And yet so painfully empty of all that it could have been. For despite whatever he felt for my outward appearance, Vegeta had proved that any attachment to the inside was strictly prohibited.
“What?” Vegeta asked, handsome features reflecting a look of worry. “What’s that face for?”
“I don’t know,” I said sadly, staring up at him. “I just wish that……”
“You just wish what?” he demanded, though strangely not in a harsh way.
“I just wish that you loved me.” I finished, hating how ridiculous it sounded.
“Loved you?!” he spat repulsively, like the words left a foul taste in his mouth. His face squinted into the picture of disgust, lips upturned as he glared down at me.
“Yes loved me!” I said, trying to sit upright with his weight holding me down. “Do you know how much easier that would make ……. Just EVERYTHING? At least then I could console myself with the idea that there is more to this than just raunchy sex and self gratification! At least I could sleep a little sounder with the fact that there was something between us besides this horrible little secret that neither wants to tell. At least THEN I could feel like a person when I’m with you rather than a toy! I feel like fucking plastic around you. Like an object. And I hate it!”
“You’re right,” he smiled devilishly. “Oh but wouldn’t pretty words make it all better for innocent little Kakarot. A dash of “I love you” and the whole cake tastes just that much more delightful doesn’t it? Pathetic that you can’t establish the fact that you get what you want and you want what you get. Pathetic that you still rely on actions and words to create who and what you are! It’s stupid Kakarot! It’s SO STUPID! YOU DAMN YOURSELF!”
He pushed off me angrily, crawling to his feet and viciously buttoning his pants. Finding my clothes, I sighed, realizing that this was the way all of our sinful little bouts ended. Angrily, painfully. Jolting.
And yet I came back, even when I was so sick with myself that I could barely look at a mirror. I was a glutton for his punishment. The addict cursing the drug when he’s high, knowing when he comes down, he’ll be back for more.
“You’ll soon run out of words and reasons, Kakarot,” Vegeta whispered, his back towards me. “What will you do when you alone can decide exactly what you are? When you cant rely on that age old stupidity, when you have to face up to what you’ve done and seek consolation for that? In a dying world, I should think that by now, you’d have given up on all the logical, spiritual bullshit and simply enjoyed yourself. But no, you want the dainty little words that will make it all seem better.”
He turned on his heels towards me, eyes beaming with the dim light.
“You want the words, I can give you that.” he smiled. “I’ve been called an amazing liar and if you desire, I’ll tell you whatever you need to keep that nasty little conscience at bay. I just want to know one thing first.”
I gestured for him to ask.
“Do you……” he hesitated, something I rarely saw him do. An insecure look passed his facial features and for that split second, I hardly recognized him. “Could you ever love me?”
Looking at him, I didn’t know what to say. Of course, like the stereotypical asshole that I was, I’d rushed into this topic without a single thought of the repercussions. Oh, how fucking delightful! Here I was, accusing him of feeling nothing, cursing him for relying on sex alone to keep this up and now, NOW I was on the other end, seeing MYSELF as the detached, unemotional prick that came into it with the simple goal of getting laid! Oh, but how treacherous being in the spotlight was!
Did I love him? God no! I couldn’t stand him half the time! He made me sick to my stomach, just knowing what he was. Just thinking of the filthy things he’d done in his life. Just knowing who he was on the inside and how rotten his heart was, black and festering with the murder of a million souls.
“How could I ever love you?” I whispered, speaking from my heart rather than the mind that tried to hush such painful, evil words. I looked up at him in shame, wishing that I hadn’t cut my hair so short that I couldn’t hide beneath the long, untamed locks. He honestly looked stunned.
“There is nothing good or pure or spiritual in you, Vegeta.” The words came out terribly, more harsh than I had meant them to sound, but all the same, meant for what they were. “You are DEAD inside.”
He just stared at me, until I imagined that there was pain in his face. Until I saw the rarest look of what reflected hurt and sadness. Until I saw a crushed and battered semblance of betrayal cross his eyes for but one split moment, not even an entire second.
“Your heart is cold Vegeta. How could I ever love something that doesn’t even know how to feel?”
“Good.” He said, hardening his face, gritting his teeth together. “Because I never wanted you to.”
And in my crazed perception, I imagined for one instant, that perhaps, he didn’t mean that at all.
“It makes it easier if you don’t anyways.” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “After all, you are obsessed with the “right and wrong” of this entire situation and of course, you need a scapegoat.”
“What?” I snapped.
“You heard me.” he answered, smiling in a very humorless manner. “You need someone to pitch the blame on. Oh no, innocent Kakarot could never fess up to the fact that he likes getting fucked by a man, oh no! Of course not! By God, what would the Mrs.’s think?! No, Kakarot needs someone to blame, someone to accuse rather than himself. HE NEEDS SOMEONE ELSE TO POINT TO WHEN IT’S ALL SAID AND DONE!”
His tone rocked the walls, unbelievably loud until I covered my ears simply to keep my hearing.
“Well I’ll tell you one thing you DO love, you moronic piece of shit!” He grabbed me by the nape of my shirt, hoisting me off the bed. “You LOVE what I do to you, don’t ya?”
He punched me across the face, sending me sprawling right onto the floor, skidding until I almost landed right in the fire. No adrenaline pumping, my face throbbed from the blow, especially as I ground my teeth together, flying off the marble floor.
“Come on!” Vegeta growled, eyes blazing with anger. “Come on and say it you stinking whore! Admit it! You like when I fuck your brains out!”
I hurled my fist at him, catching his chin with a nasty uppercut, watching in animalistic satisfaction as his head was thrown backwards, nearly knocking him off his feet. So amazed by my own temperament, I noticed too late the combat boot that collided like a freight train with my face, tossing me sideways.
“I want to hear the words!” he screamed as I slid across the marble tiles. I couldn’t BELIEVE his strength, the way every blow nearly knocked me unconscious. “Tell me you love it!”
He cocked his head to the side, blood draining down his mouth, his teeth bright red with his smile.
“Or, maybe I could just tell the Mrs.’s how much you love it. What do you think she’d say Kakarot? Huh? You think she’d be quite as understanding as me?”
I spat blood out onto his floor, letting it drain in lines out of my mouth as I hatefully glared up at him.
“You wouldn’t dare!” I hissed.
“OH wouldn’t I?!” He laughed crazily, bending down. “I’m actually quite curious Kakarot. Do you think she’d stick it out and stay with you after she knows? You think she’d be able to stomach having sex with you again, knowing your preferences?”
He leaned in close as I lay on my stomach, indescribably close to vomiting.
“You think she’d ever do it like I do precious? They have things you can buy now.”
I threw a fist at his beautiful face, giving it enough strength to literally take his head off, repercussions be damned! Missing, blackness swirled into my vision as he brutally punched my head down against the floor, his fact twisted in rage. The darkness enveloped me, and I might have joined it if it weren’t for the last second when he grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked it back, whispering disgusting words against my cheek as he kissed it.
“Or maybe, I’ll just join you two,” he breathed. “I’ve got to admit, I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to fuck that pretty pink puss-…”
I screamed in rage, throwing him backwards and diving on top of his body, mercilessly beating his face this way and that. Blood soaked my fists and I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. He was right about it all. I did need someone to blame. I did love the way he touched me. And Chi Chi would NEVER stay with me if she knew. But right now, I took every amount of guilt and frustration out on that gorgeous face I obsessively admired. I wanted to ruin something beautiful.
Suddenly he caught my fist, his fingers wrapped around the tight ball. I looked down at him in shock, catching myself in the act of nearly killing him. I fell backwards, stumbling across the floor, hurrying away from him as he lay there, touching the blood from his face and examining it as though he’d never seen anything like it before. I stared at my own hands, disgusted at the blood that stained my knuckles, unable to comprehend and accept what I’d nearly just done.
Vegeta was the only creature on this planet that had any hope of helping me to destroy Sin. He was the only one strong enough to save this world and I had foolishly almost killed him in a rage. Despite what a monster he was, I needed him. The earth needed him. And I had almost done the unthinkable.
“Oh God…” I breathed in disbelief. “Oh God Vegeta….”
He seemed not to notice me at all, apparently hypnotized by the excessive amount of blood that pooled on his hand, dripping from his mouth.
“Wow.” He said smiling, completely catching me off guard as I prepared for the worst attack of my life. “That hurt!”
He looked at me as if noticing me for the first time, like he was genuinely surprised I was there or something.
“Geez, I never thought you’d have the balls enough to do that Kakarot! You’re insane!” He laughed heartily, jumping up and dusting off his pants, beaming like a new man through the blood clots and bruises. I thought I would nearly faint as he offered me his hand, helping me off the floor.
“This calls for a celebration!”
“A WHAT?!” I cried, my mouth dropping. “Vegeta, I must have knocked something loose up there. We should get you checked out.”
“Oh pish posh!” he insisted, fanning the air. “Nothing a little water cant fix up. But you? I’m impressed! I never thought you had it in you to be a man for once Kakarot. After your little sqermish with Frieza, you’ve practically acted like a kitten. It’s a nice reminder, even if it was learned the hard way.”
He gestured for me to follow and together, we made our way down the stone staircase, wandering through hallway after hallway, until I began to distinctly wonder just how big this place was. We arrived at the door for a din of some sort, loud, pounding rap music blaring from within, no light appearing from beneath the door frame. I shuddered inwardly at the dirty, degrading words coming from the speakers, graphic depictions of rape and sex screaming over the haunting music.
Vegeta smiled, the shadows casting the strangest shapes over his features, making him seem even more evil that what I figured he already was.
Opening the door, the scent of marijuana and cigarette smoke nearly blew me backwards, my eyes instantly burning with it. In great swirling balls it came towards us, seeping out of the room like water that had been held in an aquarium. Like a knock-off Cheech and Chong movie. And there, probably twenty or so men, raising their glasses to us, insisting that Vegeta have a drink with them.
“V!” laughed one drunken fool in the middle, two gorgeous women draped over both arms. “I thought you wouldn’t be coming down tonight! We almost started the party without you.”
Vegeta laughed heartily, taking a seat on a nearby booth, lounging lazily against the armrest as I joined his side.
“Imagine that.” he chuckled. “A party. Without me. The very idea!”
“Who’s that you brought with you?” one especially handsome man perked up, gazing just a LITTLE too long at me. I was beginning to get uncomfortable around these men who apparently thought nothing of keep eye contact for ridiculous periods of time. Still, this one was quite the sight for sore eyes, short blonde hair cropped over a beautiful, almost cherubic face, bright blue eyes beaming from between long lashes and dark tinted lids.
“Cute Jurion,” Vegeta piped in, giving a rather cautious look to the gorgeous young creature who insisted on winking at me. And yet, as my eyes adjusted better to the lighting in the room (which consisted of black lights and a few dim candles in the corners) I began to notice that there were many women in the room, most adorned in practically nothing (and use your imagination on this one, I’m not going to expound) and were painted like sculptures with loads of makeup. They each looked like modern day Jezebels, like mindless, thoughtless Barbie dolls that just stared forward as they wrapped themselves around their chosen man, not one amongst them speaking a word or conversing with another.
It was actually a bit disturbing when I thought about it. They weren’t like normal women, you know the type of course, always laughing and giggling and gossiping like old ladies at church. No. They simply sat there, like the women in rap videos, moving only when their “owners” would seek sexual attention or the horrible PDA’s teenagers seem to LOVE at shopping malls and movie theatres.
I caught Vegeta’s eye as he watched me, pointing over towards the women.
“Since when did you start having girls here?” I asked, feeling stupid now that everyone in the room seemed to be listening to me over their repulsive rap music. Every one of them just stared at me mutely, like I’d spouted a penis on my forehead.
“I…… I didn’t think you had women here Vegeta.” I continued, feeling stupider by the minute. “I mean I….. Well, I thought you were all gay.”
And of course, making my situation all that much more unbearable, again they remained silent, the men just gawking at me.
“Gay?” Asked Jurion, looking confused, as if he didn’t even know the meaning of the word. Vegeta just waved the air, pointing his thumb at me.
“Pay no attention boys.” He said rolling his eyes. “He’s married.
A roar of laughter met his sentence, much to my dismay. They all looked relieved, a large “oooooohhhh!” coming from them. I felt like the class clown after he makes a fool of himself on accident.
“But..” I insisted, probably against what I figured was smart. “I mean you all….” I moved my head, gesturing with my hands, trying to beat around the word. “You all…… sleep with….. you know! MEN! Doesn’t that make you gay?!”
A larger man in the corner, looked at me, glancing to the side in deep thought, his lips twitching.
“Hm…” he said, scratching his chin. “I’m not gay.” He looked at the man next to him. “You gay?”
“No.” Answered the other, relaying the question to Jurion who purposefully laughed at me.
“Gay is a word, handsome.” He chuckled, moving to sit on the other side of Vegeta, bending over to talk with me. “Kind of like, if someone called you beautiful. Well, you aren’t beautiful, you aren’t ugly, you aren’t anything until YOU decide what you choose to be. If you think you’re beautiful, then that’s exactly what you are, be damned anyone who says different. If you believe you’re ugly, then no matter what another person insists, you will be ugly. Me? I’m not gay.” He shrugged. “I’m bisexual, and proud to be. But only because I decided, not anyone else.”
All the men in the room nodded, lifting their glasses to the ceiling in a toast to that. I stared in amazement, stunned that there was actually another person out there who could agree with Vegeta’s beliefs.
“People always called me gay in high school,” piped in a particularly feminine man sitting a few seats down from me. “But I wasn’t. Not until I decided that I wanted to be labeled that. It’s a word. You can call anyone a word.”
“Slut, bitch, pussy, cunt….” A man droned off next to him, counting the foul words on his fingertips.
“But it doesn’t mean that they are any of them.” Finished the other man. “If a woman wants to be called a slut, so be it. But the number of men she’s fucked or the opinion of society can’t touch her. Stereotypes are created by mindless drones with nothing better to do than throw people into categories. But no one can label you until you’ve given them the right title for it.”
“But, I don’t understand,” I said, leaning my elbows on my knees as I spoke to them, Vegeta amazingly quiet next to me. “I mean, wouldn’t your actions label you? I mean, having sex with another guy…. That’s stereotypical of being gay isn’t it? I just don’t get it.”
“Well gorgeous,” Jurion smiled thoughtfully, his pale white teeth glowing in the black light. “I walk well. I talk well. I know how to dress. I’m stunningly beautiful in that androgynous sort of way just like Vegeta here,” Vegeta of course smiled, bowing his head as if completely aware of the fact. “Anyone in their right mind would have labeled me gay, but just for those reasons, am I?”
I shook my head.
“And yet, those are all characteristics that people look for to decide if someone is gay or not. Doesn’t mean that they are. It just means that they fit the category. So I like having sex with men, its just another characteristic. Doesn’t make me gay.”
Of course, this was all insanity to me, already given by Vegeta himself over and over to insist that what we did together wasn’t as perverse and forbidden as I already knew it was.
“So you’re…..bisexual.” I nodded, trying to get used to the idea. “And you’re happy with that title.”
“Not me!” Laughed a big burly man in the corner. “I’m trisexual!”
I looked at him in confusion, quirking an eyebrow.
“I’ll try anything sexual!”
A hearty laugh quaked the room and I caught myself cracking a grin at this.
“Well said!” Vegeta grinned, taking a glass of liquor from a nearby woman who offered. I looked up, noticing a young girl holding a tray of glasses, filled to the rim, all different assortments. About to refuse, Vegeta plucked one off for me, jabbing it into my hand and glaring threateningly. “Loosen up ya pussy.”
Jurion laughed heartily as I squinted my nose and took a small sip of the cognac offered.
“Good ol’ Louis the Thirteenth. Vegeta’s favorite if you hadn’t noticed by now. But enough on all this…….” He gestured for my name, which I readily gave him. “Goku, what are YOU?”
I kicked myself again for being so unimaginably stupid with my words. I would ask and yet when the tides turned and I was faced with the same question, it was unbearable. Vegeta laughed, sitting upright and turning to face me, making the situation all that much more uncomfortable.
“Me?” I coughed, sipping a brutal amount of my drink. “I’m……. married.”
Everyone laughed at my expense, causing me to gulp down the entire shot glass and nearly beg for another.
“Married?!” nearly bawled one man I hadn’t noticed, slapping his hand on his knee while inhaling a cigarette. “For God’s sake why would ya do somethin’ like that?!”
The other men seemed to hold the same question, waiting for my answer, while I could think of nothing that wouldn’t be mulled and dissected by each one of them as soon as it came out.
“Well,” I stammered. “Why else would I get married? For love of course.”
“Love?” They all asked in unison, their faces twisting with either confusion or repulsion or even a good combination of both.
“Yes,” Vegeta said with a mean smirk. “GOKU here puts quite the amount of emphasis on love, wouldn’t you agree pet?”
For some reason, I hated it when he used my real name. It always seemed so mocking. And pet? No, I don’t think so.
“Love!” Spat Jurion disgustedly, as if the very idea was nauseating. “What a damnable word!”
A man across from us laughed, handing Vegeta a stained glass pipe with water in the bowl, lighting the screened end while Vegeta inhaled through the large hole at the top, covering it with his hand when he had finished. I ignored this strange action for the moment, focusing on Jurion.
“You really think that love is damnable?” I asked innocently, certainly not trying to start a debate or anything. He fanned the air, his handsome features twisted with displeasure.
“It’s just so overrated.” He complained. “Since the day we’re born we’re fed the knowledge that we should love everybody. We’re taught to idolize love over anything! It’s shoved down our throats and given such priority that we have fucking 12 and 13 year olds insisting that they’re IN love as an excuse for getting knocked up by some fucking sick ass pedophile! Kids that young don’t love! They don’t feel that strongly! Hormonally they cant! And yet they’re fucking hand fed these bullshit lies insisting that life is nothing without love and so they rely on it blindly. They know someone a week and they’re IN love and ready to get married!”
He threw his hands in the air.
“It’s such a crock! Infatuation and lust, now THAT’S something special. But love? It’s a meaningless word that assholes use to keep another person bonded to them. A form of control and slavery.”
“But a world without love would be…..” I squeaked, unable to even comprehend such an idea.
“It’d be what Kakarot?” Vegeta said, speaking up for once. I felt bullied and cornered for my beliefs, sitting backwards against the booth and swallowing hard.
“Empty.” I breathed, finishing the third glass of Remy Martin handed to me.
“No,” Vegeta smiled. “It’d be fucking excellent. Organized, controlled, functional. Love creates passion and passion creates blindness. In a world where people LOVE their Gods and their religions enough to commit mass murder for them, the word “empty” seems rather appealing to me. In a world where people fall in “love” and create babies, only to abort them after their “love” fails, emptiness hardly seems a problem.”
Jurion looked down at the floor, swishing the contents of his drink while Vegeta took another hit of whatever it was in the glass pipe.
“In a world where souls are so fickle and hearts so breakable, love can create or crush a spirit. How many kill for love? How many die for love? How many commit suicide for love? Such a mindless waste of life. Thrown away for a meaningless, pathetic little word that they convince themselves is worthy of such sacrifice. Face it, the world without love would be something phenomenal. The world with it, well…….” He threw his arms to the side.
“We live in it and isn’t it fucking glorious?”
