"Start from where you'd like to son," he said reassuringly. "Start from where the problem began if you will. I got all night. Ol' men like me got all the time in the world."
"But what if there really was no beginning?" I asked him. "What if the problem had always existed, and just been ignored for so long."
"I'm not sure I understand you boy. Try to explain."
And so I did. I told him my fears from childhood, knowing from the beginning of infant consciousness that my sanity was vulnerable. I told him how I'd never felt the pangs of loneliness, never experienced the isolation like others did. I'd always felt as though I weren't alone, never fearing battles simply because I'd always had a partner. But along with this companion, I knew instinctively that my mind was not like others. I had fears that someday, I would lose it.
I don't think that's normal. I don't think even the criminally insane ever anticipate or believe that their minds could have a complete break down. But from the beginning, I knew that my mind was fragile and perhaps, I even knew it wasn't my own. Borrowed and vulnerable. Like a child giving his friend a gift and expecting it back the next day.
I told Bruder everything. When I say everything, I mean every detail. Every confusing, unstable fact that would have sent a normal human running in disgust. I told him about meeting Chi Chi. How she'd forced me to marry her and how, somewhere deep within, I'd always resented her for that. She'd tricked me, known my ignorance through the entire ordeal. I knew even as I said it how awful I sounded, using her as an excuse to pawn off my guilt. Like she had it coming. Made me do it.
But it wasn't like that. I loved Chi Chi, insisting that Bruder accept that. She was someone to depend on rather than myself and my hidden half. She was someone to talk to, to know, to learn from. But even as I told the tale, the agonizing realization of my mediocre affections dawned on me. It became obvious that, while I loved her, I was not in love with Chi Chi.
When it came to the discussion of Vegeta, I relayed the facts as if I were a Sex Ed teacher, leaving nothing out, never using abbreviations or cute terms. Just laying it all out with precision and even some detail, telling him my secrets as if they were parts from a movie and not my real life.
I told him about the first time I met Vegeta, the handsome Saiyan Prince that had intrigued my curiosity from the start as I had so conveniently learned from him and my brother that I was not human. How quaintly I had indulged in this information, thankful that I had an excuse for never truly being what they referred to as "normal".
I told him how Vegeta had died, how I felt crushed at the time, never being able to ask him about my state of mind. Never being able to quench my thirst for knowledge and rest my fears. I told him how Vegeta had been brought back, trying to kill Frieza out of rage and a long desired vengeance, only to be sent to earth and begrudge my victory ever since.
I confessed how the dreams began, the beautiful monster that had visited me in my fantasies, now only to be revealed as Vegeta himself, or the imposter like him. I told him how I began to look forward to this dream, telling myself that this was the day, this was the night that I was finally going to join them all. I told him about the other dreams, how they began with Pizza Man and escalated into Satin and the Priest of Eyes. I told him with blurry eyes how shocked I'd been when I would turn on the T.V and see these crimes, knowing somewhere deep down, I must have had something to do with it all. No, there were no coincidences. No pretty justifications or reasons. Only this.
The dull, aching pain that smacked me in the face every time I realized that with each crime, I was becoming more and more desensitized.
When it came to the part involving Vegeta, as I said before, I left nothing to the imagination. I told of the first time, how I knew in my heart that had I truly wanted to, I might have resisted him. I told him of the second time, confessing my guilt in that I met him at the mansion, never intending to end the ordeal, curiosity and fascination concealing my own conscience from me.
But I made no attempt to justify any of it. I want you to know this. I never meant to conceal or screen any of the wrongs I had committed. I wanted to confess. I wanted his judgment, wanted to see that repulsed face. I wanted someone else to be as sickened with me as I was.
But therein lies the problem. He wasn't.
I stared at him, after I had finished, watching every tiny crease in his face, every single pore, every single glimmer of light that reflected off his skin. His eyes were focused on the table top, not in an attempt to avoid my own, simply deep in thought.
"I never meant for any of it to happen this way." I said honestly. "I just want things back the way they were. I want my old life back how it was."
"But son," he said quietly, his old eyes lifting to gaze into my own. "you can't go back. It jess' don't work that way."
"I know." I said, lowering my eyes from his, staring in shame at my hands that coiled into one another. "I let this happen. It's my fault." I clenched my teeth, pushing down the tears for the first time in a long time. "It's my fault."
"Hm." He said, leaning back against his chair. "Seems to me the only crime you truly committed is losing faith in y'self. You let this Vegeta character convince you that you were what you fear the most. Some boy come up to me and tell me I'm evil, well," he laughed. "I don't think I'd be so quick to believe it."
"But haven't you been listening?!" I cried, knocking my cup against the table. "Haven't you heard a word I've said?! It isn't all Vegeta! Its…….. its ME! Bruder I'm……."
My lips trembled and I backed away.
"What are you son?" he asked, eyes compassionate. "Tell me jess' what you're so sure you are. All this time you've been telling me all the bad things you done. All the terrible mistakes you've made. And not once have you told me a thing good. Not once have you given me any reason to believe you're anything less than pure evil at its worse, and yet I know different. I can see into your eyes. You are not what you believe y'self to be."
"How do you know what I am?" I said bitterly. "You heard everything I've said. I went to that mansion of my own accord. I knew what he'd do. Fucking Aries warned me about it! I knew, Bruder! I knew exactly what would happen and I wanted it! Doesn't that make me evil?! Tell me!! Tell me that it doesn't make me evil!"
I fell to my knees, customers staring, the waitress holding her hand over her mouth and Bruder grabbing my hands as I knelt on the floor. I began to sob through dry eyes, clasping his hands into my own, burying my face against his knee.
"Tell me I'm not evil!" I cried. "Tell me that it wasn't my fault! Please! Tell me that God doesn't look upon me and loathe what he created. Tell me that there is something more to this life than guilt and sadness and loss. Tell me……." I buried my face into his open palms. "Tell me that I couldn't have saved that girl. Tell me that I didn't have the strength to push passed Vegeta and rescue her. Tell me that I didn't have enough time to stop that man when he started beating her. Tell me that its not my fault that she died."
"Is that what you want?" his voice came through the sound of my sobs.
"Forgive me." I whispered through gasps. "Forgive me."
"But don't you see," he whispered. "No one can forgive you until you forgive yourself."
I looked up into his eyes, seeing how truly beautiful he was. Almost….. unearthly beautiful.
"Look deeper than this son. Look with your true eyes, not those ones in your head, but with the eyes of your soul. Look into your heart and find the strength to let it go. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, expecting that alone you can never fall. You bury your mind so as to come off innocent. You conceal your true self for all these years because you see only badness in him. See with the eyes of your soul. Do you think that God sees only our faults? Could any one of us stand if he did? See with spiritual eyes if all there is to you is evil."
"But I can't," I sobbed, still holding his hand.
"Open your eyes boy!" he commanded. "If you're so evil why do you care? Do you think the truly evil being repents? Does the truly evil being even understand that what he's doing is wrong? Your guilt is proof that inside, you are more than what you seem. Somewhere along the way, a monster convinced you that you were less than a hero. Its time to prove him wrong."
I gripped his fingers, looking up into his syrupy eyes.
"I don't know how." I whispered.
"Find the strength from inside y'self, son. All this guilt, all this hatred. It weighs you down. Its time to shed it and be the man I know you can be. This world needs a hero boy. And it's about time you showed them one."
He yanked me to my feet, displaying unimaginable strength for his age, standing up himself and tucking a newspaper under his arm.
"Myself?" He laughed. "I'm too old to be out savin' the world."
"But," I insisted. "How will I do it? Bruder, I need your help. I don't understand what I can do to stop him. He's just too strong."
"Oh don't you worry bout' that my boy." He chuckled. "I'll be with you, along with some others I imagine. Like that young man that gave you the senzu bean out by the mountain."
"Yamcha?" I said, squinting my eyes. How did he know about that? I was sure I hadn't mentioned it.
"Oh no no, not that one." He laughed, waving the air. "Not much good he could do. The other one, the one that had his own senzu bean, put it in your mouth and all. Why, don't you remember son? Feisty temper on that one. But I suppose he means well."
"What are you talking about?" I cried, trying to figure out what he was saying. Trying to convince myself that he hadn't gone completely mad. "It was Vegeta who did that. How exactly am I supposed to use Vegeta against………Vegeta?!"
Bruder looked at his watch, calculating the time.
"Seems rather odd to me that they found you round' 3 in the afternoon and the last attack ended about 3:30. Now I don't think even the devil his self could be two places at once. What do you think?"
The facts finally dawned on me.
"Yeah, that was totally weird." I heard Tien say, as he had just this afternoon. "Vegeta even looked different. Kinda like, shorter or something."
"Dude you're right," Came Yamcha's laugh, tossing a sensu bean up into the air. "Isn't he usually almost taller than you Goku?"
"Oh my God." I breathed. "Oh my God…......"
"Oh God is right boy," Bruder smiled, tipping his hat. "And you bess' try to be behavin' y'self for a while now. People's patience isn't always unlimited you know. And don't be a stranger eh?"
"He's….." I gasped. "He's alive isn't he? Oh my God. Vegeta."
"Well now son," Bruder coughed. "I don't know if I'd be jumpin' to too many conclusions. Just find the source of the senzu bean, and I reckon you'll be fine as frog hair."
He turned to the door, leaving me there on the verge of hyperventilating, sucking in way too much air. I wanted him to stay, wanted him to explain this turn of events. Wanted him to assure me that I wasn't completely crazy in my belief that the real Vegeta may still be out there.
"Don't go!" I pleaded. "I need you."
"Now now," he waved the air. "you'll be jess' fine. You find the courage within to be the champion you are, and nothing, no devils, no angels could stand in your way. Remember what I told you, about me always being there along with others. When you need them the most, in the most unexpected places, you'll find a friend. You trust me. Knowledge is power. You remember that Mr……"
He threw his hands into the air.
"Now look at me, goin' on and on and I haven't even gotten your name yet son! I tell you its abominable."
I looked at his offered hand, grasping it numbly with my own.
"Kakarot…." I said quietly. "My name is Kakarot."
"Oh now son!" he laughed heartily, tapping me on the shoulder. "Why, don't you mean Goku?"
With that he walked towards the door, the newspaper tucked in his elbow. I just stared in awe, watching as he creaked open the window plane door, tiny droplets of rain falling on his tan hat.
"Who are you?" I called to him, my heart beating wildly. But deep down, I didn't need an answer. I knew in my heart who He was.
"Who me?" he said innocently, turning around for the last time. "Oh, I'm just an ol' friend."
With that he tipped his hat, walking out the door with a very quick, "don't be a stranger." Against what I knew, I crashed into the door, tossing it open and scurrying out into the street, the rain and wind twisting my hair as I stared both directions. Somehow I knew before I looked that he wouldn't be there.
All that met my eyes was wet pavement, a broken city, and a revived heart.
Indeed, knowledge was power.
