And We Were Angels
April 25, 2004
“Where shadowed wraiths and demons dwell
A sorry presence hides its face.
In land so dark it could be hell
A fallen Angel finds his place.”
Taken in by the first quote, stylishly thrown in there to create mood, I became immediately grateful to my friend Llik Lirva for recommending this to me. Rumored to be a v/b, my hopes were bruised momentarily before I collected myself and realized that it has been far too long since I took a chance after the abominable wave of horrendously stupid ones took over ffnet.
The first flaw I noticed was the often times overlooking of the “tenses”. What do I mean? Have I gone off the deep end? Are the meds kicking in and doing me up the butt? Probably. But let me and my crazed mind try to explain.
“Vegeta, chancellor of heaven, prince of the ministering angels, looked over the city from his perch high atop a suspension bridge tower. He is charged with sustaining mankind, although in this day and age, it hardly seems worth all the effort.”
Authors really need to watch these “tenses” as it can often confuse exactly what time line they are trying to represent. Are we in the past? Are we in the present? Where are we in the time line? “Looked” and “seems” are NOT the same tense.
Overlooking that minor error, I was pleasantly surprised to find a new rush when it came to creativity. Rather then the cliché (and overly used by even myself) depiction of a cloudy, beautiful heaven, AMCM74 presents the story by first giving up a glimpse of our modern day world, thus introducing the reader into her own reality, her own interpretation of man’s modern day need of a savior, of a belief in something.
My heart truly embraces the author at this point as she demonstrates through mere description the moral decay of our world. Rather than give us the overly done “poverty, starvation, crime, etc etc” she merely gives us a mental vision of an overly populated city, detailing the smell, the look and the feel. Nothing is obvious or drastic which is why I’m already falling in love with the mood. Rather than display the obvious, AMCM74 wants the reader to ponder the deeper, hidden meaning. A plus in my book.
AMCM74’s use of analogies and personification is to be commended as she likens society’s failure to an “ugly creature, wrapping itself tightly around the world”. Major props for the beautiful flow and broad word usage thus far. Rather than plopping a dictionary on her lap and searching out preposterous words that no one actually understands, she displays a smooth, flowing vocabulary that sounds natural.
I could have hugged the author as I continued to read her portrayal of Goku. Rather than his ridiculously ignorant self, she has truly made this character her own by depicting him as (somebody change my shorts!) an angel of death! Of course, though we can’t REALLY imagine him all decked out in black wings and a sports cap that says “God Sucks”, the author is sure to succeed with her elaborate and well thought out dialogue.
Remarkable! And lets not forget, I’m only on the first chapter.
Begrudgingly assigned to watch over Bulma Briefs, Vegeta embarks on his own adventure to reclaim his standing before the “Almighty”.
My only let down in this chapter? The interaction between Bulma and her boyfriend, Yamcha. In his concern for her well being, Yamcha insists that Bulma is not herself, expressing his worry over her father’s company. He is portrayed as a very kind, caring person, a WONDERFUL idea if you compare it to the cliché, “monster boyfriend” every other author and their DOG seems so fond of. Rather than being an understanding girlfriend, Bulma is revealed to be a spoiled rotten, snotty rich girl who, instead of seeing his concern for what it is, insists in her selfish little one track mind that he is “attacking” her.
Not one to be dismayed by one small let down, I continue reading to find that indeed, even the beautifully angelic Vegeta agrees with me, not exactly thrilled at his predicament.
While I could elaborate on this story, I believe I’ve taken up my share of space and surrender the rest to her highness Bunni. Ahem*. But not before the old run-through of a rating.
Points for originality: a good 6. While the angel/devil theme has been done too much since my portrayal of it, this story’s originality IS above average and should be commended.
Grammar, punctuation and spelling: Unfortunately, I can only give a 6 for this category as well when you consider that she spelled many things wrong and obviously didn’t take the time enough to go through and correct them.
Characters as themselves: 10. They may not be themselves, but I prefer them her way. EXCELLENT!
Skill altogether: For the first time, I’m wishing I could go above a 10. Perhaps the strongest argument that AMCM74 presents is her ability to use elaborate, rare words smoothly and naturally. I have NEVER found an author who could use the word “cajole” so easily and not have the reader going “wha?” Extremely good job in this.
Likeable author: 10. There’s no way that someone could write such an amazing story and NOT be amazingly cool.
Points accumulated altogether: 42. Again, we WOULD be asking this author to post her story on our site if it weren’t for the horrible fact that I ALREADY have a demon/angel themed story and….. ::shrug:: this site just ain’t big enough for the two of us sweety.
Bunni Girl'sa>
Whack at it:
MY review for And We Were Angels (does anyone else feel like that's a rip off from And We Were Soliders?..Anyone?) and author AMCM74
Prologue
Goku sighed deeply. "Neither. He doesn’t think you’re in any condition to enter his presence." Darkened eyes looked over the city. "You know, its nothing a good rain would not clean up."
"I bet you’re right." Vegeta growled and buried his head in his arms. "Forty days and forty nights would probably do the trick."
"That’s not even remotely funny, Vegeta."
"Ohhh, that’s right. We promised to never do that again, didn’t we?"
Remarkable smart dialogue. I give MAJOR kudos for excellent characterization of Vegeta. Truly a world of its own. However, she uses character foil weakly. While we get that Goku is a goody-two-shoes, his whole personality is just one sided and horribly inflexible.
"Get out of my head!" Vegeta stepped forward. "Just tell me about the woman. I can have her patched up before the day is out, and then you can take that back to the Almighty."
"Like he wouldn’t already know?" Goku rolled his eyes. "Ok, her name is Bulma Briefs…"
...'Ok, her name is Bulma Briefs..' Riiight. *rolls eyes* It could have been done a lot better, but hey, we were all inexperienced authors once.
"No." Bulma blurted out quickly, looking down at her plate. Yamcha’s silence drew the large blue eyes to him. "Well, maybe a little." She watched him cock up one eyebrow at her in a way that told her she wasn’t fooling him for a moment. She sighed and lifted the napkin off her lap. She tossed it onto the salad and said, "Okay! I am very worried about him. He didn’t eat again today and…"
Humanism at its best. All in one paragraph she shows exactly what a truly worried and grieving person reacts to the "Are you OK?" thing.
The blood was pounding in her head. She came to her feet and glared down at him. "You know about the company. I am trying to deal with that right now. My father is on the verge of an emotional collapse, and my mother has just died! Did it even occur to you that I might have other issues to deal with right now?!?"
Hatred in the response of care and love; Niiice. Extreme brownie points because I relate to the author's style and how she's keeping reality in a nonrealistic fic.
Yamcha sank into the chair and looked at the table. So that was it. He had just lost her.
I have issues with this. I'm torn with "Go more with it" and "Nice job, nice ending for the scene." I mean, we're not REALLY feeling that sympathy for Yamcha just yet. We were close, and some of the weaker readers probably sobbed for the guy. Come on. Get a little more balls than that, Yamcha. The author needs more OOMPH and more detail. Have those thoughts race in his head! Emotions! All of them! How would you feel if you tried to help your loved one and they practically threw it back in your face, shitting it actually?! You'd feel more than just one emotion. But then again, Yamcha has always been a weak motherfucker of a man..maybe the author has him dead-on. But still, description and detail much appreciation of his weakness then.
..My point exactly, fellas. Emotions. Use them, learn them, love them.
She was a real beauty, rich and haughty. She was probably evil to the core, full of vanity and prejudices. Yes. This woman was definitely worthy of his time. The thought raced sarcastically through his mind. His dark eyes rose to the sky. "Thanks a lot."
Vegeta and Bulma (with Vegeta taking the gold and silver, Bulma barely gets bronze and the rest..don't make me laugh) come out as the best characterized out of all. The rest seemed slapped together, second, maybe even third class citizens to the author. To make the main characters their best, you must always make sure that the lower characters STAY second to them BUT support them aritculately. They deserve attention and love too; just not as much as the main characters themselves.
Chapter One
"He was dressed in black so dark the even the night could not compete. The leather gloves and trench coat masked his form. All he needed a set of dark shades and he would have been completely ensconced in black."
...Right. What the hell did you need THAT for, Princess? I mean, sure, black, we get it already. But the last sentence was TOTALLY unneeded. I like before when she was reflecting more deeply on her situation, letting the reader in on it all. But still: UGH. EW. BEGONE UGLY UNNEEDED SENTENCE! YOU ARE A MAR ON GREAT...well, good writing. Haha, didn't want to take it that far. I also admired the dialogue (yet again, you happen to be a genius in that area, at least so far with Vegeta and Bulma). I get humor off their little scene. "Damn muggers! Try getting a job." You're elevating Bulma more from her secondary status. Kudos yet again.
Bunni: ...and unlike tasteless Queen C, I found that it could've been done BETTER. I got the whole Matrix vibe off it and believe me, it was not pretty. *shudder* Pasty Neo picture. Ugh.
Camaro: Not only necessary, but ridiculously enjoyable! Count on Bunni to smack down talent in its prime! Sure, not ALL details are needed, but being the Queen of Descriptions herself, I'll tell you that a REAL author uses them whenever she possibly can.
Bunni: *rolls eyes* Believe me when I say, Readers, we are girls of two different tastes. She likes 'em big and I like 'em thick. Take that however you please though. (And that settled that argument.)
"I have no desire to see my brother anymore than he delights in seeing me." Radditz spat. "How is the Angel of Death these days?"
Is it me or am I missing something? Is there a long-lost sentence that'll resurface thirty years from now at a Fanfic Convention? From "You're wasting your time" to "I have no desire to see my brother" does the mention of Goku spring up? Nothing brings up the guy's name or even reason to talk about him? Hmm.. Life's little mysteries. Probably just me then.
The conversation between Goku and Vegeta is a LOT better than before. More...circular, shall I say? Not full way since we're not getting how Goku really feels, or even how Vegeta feels but dialogue is truly one of its own. Radditz is another delightful character (devilishly cool) as he pops in right in the middle of an argument to comment. Truly the Minion's Minion and the Angel's Foe, I gotta say he's my favorite right next to Vegeta.
Haha, you learn to hate AND love him at the same time. He RADIATES pure mischief and bordering evil. Where he cups Bulma's breasts in front of the two 'pure' angels to where he teases and taunts them while doing so.
He was to busy watching the mortal girl trying to regain control of her raging desires, and wishing he could take Radditz’ sage advice. Being good never hurt so bad.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful with the last part. *kisses fingers and lets it float to the air* Ah! Glorious. Could NOT have done it better myself. Though, keep in mind, I'm only talking about the positioning of the last sentence. The rest is just...blaaah. Sure, it's nice, but grammer, punctuation, etc.. It's all too distracting.
Chapter Two
It touches your heart when Bulma realizes she has no messages from Yamcha. It signals subconsciously that he's given up on her and she knows it. This creates a foreshadow for the meeting. You can just SENSE that bad day comin' on for the girl.
The talk between Bardock and Goku=magnificent. This is the exact character rounding off I was TALKING ABOUT! *claps hands* Kid, you've done well, my girl! This totally lets people RELATE to the characters, get to know more about them. One word: Awesome. I've got nothing to criticize about that. Truly, the Bitch has stepped off for once, eh? *laughs* Smart, savvy, and totally just...wow.. I truly love this dialogue and heck, this scene! It is my pronounced all-time favorite just because of the fabolous chemistry the author use between the characters!
And of course, my prediction about the bad day is coming true for Bulma. Can't say anymore for fear of ruining the story! But hey, it was ALSO nicely done. The second chapter looks like the author's real writing skills are being kicked into action!
(I'm only giving those of you at home the beginning chapters of what I read so that way you'll be tempted to read more!)
Originality: Angels have been overdone, gaurdians as well, but you get that feel of freshness with this story so you forget all about those other stories you've read that MIGHT have felt similar to this story and only remember this one. The characters, their origins, and just about everything else (except early on in the story) seems truly exceptional. So let's just give it a nice 7.
Characters as themselves: Like my charge, Camaro... I've gotta agree with the "Not themselves, but excellent anyway" a 8 though. Sorry. Second to Third Class citizens this author made them lower. If she wrote like she did in the second chapter two posts ago.. man, it'd be a flipping 20. *laughs* Tough balls, eh?
Anaylsis: So far for the prologue and chapter one, all you've got to look for are one or two good scenes and nice dialogue (not to mention very nice word use; kids, you'll have to get a dictionary though). The rest is blah. The second chapter however, is where the author kicks ASS. It was as if she predicted this review and how critical I'd be on the first two and just BLEW me away with the second one unexpectedly! Aside from minor grammer, punctuation, typos, AND extreme disappointment from the early characterization and writing skills of the writer, hey..I think we've got a 38. *poke from Camaro* Alright, alright. A 40. Happy?
Camaro: *laughs* Stupid bastards.
Bunni: ~_~ My words exactly.