Friend or foe, we will summarize, criticize, praise, give our opinions and rate your story with an unbiased viewpoint. Please keep in mind that your story will be rated by the following categories.
Originality
Grammar, spelling and punctuation
Characters either themselves or created as your own
Skills altogether
Likeable author
If you are up to the challenge or simply would like an honest, indiscriminatory viewpoint of your story, please feel free to send it to Camaro.
If indeed, your story is as exceptional as you may think, (a solid 40-50 through on our scale)we would be honored to post it along with the other phenomenal stories at The Kiss Of Hell.
Please remember, all reviews are based on an opinion only and should not be taken as fact. Certain people react to certain story lines different while others may enjoy them immensely. Keep in mind, different strokes for different folks.
Lastly, all reviews are final and will not be taken down. Also, we do not have to ask permission to review a story. Do you ask permission to review? We don't think so. Oh, you dont like it? Go fuck yourself.
by Nyberger13
After struggling through story after story filled to the brim with mindless plots and lines, I came to the conclusion that maybe all this “love” talk, isn’t my scene. And I realized in this, I needed, no, I DESERVED to read and review SOMETHING that might inspire an onlooker to actually continue reading fanfictions. So I went on a quest to find something with the power enough to inspire an encouraging review. I needed something new, something fresh. Something without all the “I’m in love with you”s and “take me now”s.
I wanted something CREATIVE for a change. Something with an original plot, start to finish. And I figured that after all this time with cliché story lines, I owed it to myself to find the possible ONE out there that struck my interest. And mostly, I wanted a story I could fall completely in love with.
Introducing, Nyberger13’s Memory. Beautifully enhanced with a graphic and detailed depiction of the characters and their surroundings, I was taken in with the first paragraph. Notice how the descriptions draw you in, the authors depiction of mood and scene done impeccably well.
“A small blonde girl with blazing blue eyes stands in the middle of a park in mid fall. A plethora of multi-colored leaves fascinate her as they fall in the surrounding world, making her feel like a princess in some fairytale land. She seems to be searching for something with a smile on her face as she walks through the leaves, passing by tall trees that seem to be guiding her with their wooden hands to her goal. There is something strange about her world; there is no sound. The leaves below her do not crunch when she steps, and the air around her doesn’t whistle as it passes by her small ears. The girl does not notice or care that there is no sound she just continues on her way, as if it is normal.”
The word usage and vocabulary are simply stunning, the author sparing no amount of detail when given the opportunity. And unlike myself, Nyberger is intent on keeping a sound balance when it comes to descriptions, adding them when needed like just the right amount of spice on an already wonderful meal. Nyberger, you vividly paint a picture with words and you do it all brilliantly. For once, it is TRULY my honor to review a story, not just for sheer, sick entertainment either.
Only thing that I didn’t like (and this is based solely personal taste) is the tense. Now, every author knows that present tense is perhaps the hardest of all tenses to pull off. Rather than using words like “did, couldn’t, heard” you have to substitute them with “do, cant, hear”. And while I don’t personally think this tense did the story justice, I commend Nyberger once again for the ability to pull it off as admirably as they did.
Of course, all this tense talk was shortly lived as I continued reading, only to find that the first scene (again breathtakingly done!) was a dream of, (and this I find is rare) 18! The character usage is marvelous simply because (again) this isn’t the easiest storyline to pull off. But Nyberger prevails with an obviously dry sense of humor and a calming, smooth manner throughout the telling.
“Laying back into her nest of blankets and pillows she stared at the green display of the digital clock on her bed stand, mesmerized by the flash of the colon between two still numbers; 3 and 13. With a sigh she begins to close her eyes to the nothingness of the night.”
Now why cant more writers add little details like this? Sure, its unnecessary. The paragraph could have been summed up with a quick “she fell back asleep”. But no, Nyberger shows us once again that time with details is truly the way to create a unique story. Nyberger, you must LOVE this story! My only problem is simply that you “jumped tenses” in this paragraph.
You started off with past tenses with words like “stared” which later turned into “begins”. The two simply cant mix. Its either, “she began to close her eyes” or “she stares at the green display.” Just one thing that needs to be watched out for.
I think one of the most intriguing things about this story is the mystery behind it all. Trying to decipher the deeper meaning to a strange dream and the suspense that Nyberger creates in such a short time, I felt myself literally unable to stop and write more thoughts down, instead, complete woven into the story myself!
Again though, tenses need to be watched as we jump from the comfortable past, to the present over and over again. It needs to be more constant, though I’m simply criticizing this point because other than that, there’s nothing more to complain about.
Grammar, spelling and punctuation- I honestly wasn’t paying attention, so lets go with 10. If they were there, they weren’t obvious enough to be detected! Only thing that should be done is that the paragraphs seem a little short at times. Maybe give them a little length?
Characters as themselves or created as your own- Well, this is a tough one. Because you were VERY true to Akira’s vision and didn’t so much make the characters into what YOU might have wanted. So I’m gonna go with 6 on this. I think if you had strived a little harder to separate them just slightly from the two dimensional cartoon series characters, and instead created them with a little more depth, you might have succeeded in making them a little more realistic and likable.
Skills Altogether- I’m going with 8. Truly an impeccable story, filled to the brim with details, descriptions, probably perfect grammar and spelling. The only real flaw being the tenses. I suggest either sticking with present, or changing it into the past. Because jumping back and forth tends to throw the reader off and we’re faced with the thought “is this a flash back or what?”. But I was torn between the 8 and a 9 on this because truly, this story is exceptional.
Likeable author- I have no real opinion on you Nyberger because I don’t know you well enough yet. But hell, 8 on this because I doubt that ANY author who brings us a story of THIS proportion could be anything less than a intellectual genius. My hats off to you, this was a tremendous story.
Final thought- Watch out for those tenses and try to expound a little on the character’s past. Try to think of yourself as a new reader of fanfiction when you write. Make sure to go into the character’s past so that if someone who WASN’T an avid fan of DBZ would still appreciate and get the sense of it. Also, don’t skip out on describing what characters look like simply because the majority of us already know. I personally find that when an author takes the time to describe the outward appearance of a character, I can tell right then and there whether or not they were patient with the rest of their story as they wrote it. And, I find it’s a great way to separate YOUR portrayal of the characters from other’s, by straying from over used sentences like “his hair stood up like a flame that defied gravity” (::Shudders::) and truly show the reader what you’re made of!
My final thought though is that THIS… is definitely a story worth reading and a real honor to review. You’re style is unique and you don’t seem to conform to what most authors write about simply for the sake of reviews. You write what you enjoy and you enjoy writing, as I would think seems obvious from your patience with your fics. You’re a living proof that fanfiction hasn’t been completely lost on the cliché, overused, boring and hammered “three years” theme and can be dissected and recycled depending on the talent and creativity of the author. Thank you for reminding us all that just because it IS fanfiction, doesn’t mean it has to be Akira’s fanfiction. We’re simply borrowing his characters.
Love,
Unlike most authors though, FireOcean has gone the brave route and requested that I “tear it apart”. Which is PRECISELY what I plan on doing. FireOcean, I love you, but if there is ANYTHING wrong with this story, by GOD I will find it!
AHEM!* To begin with, the first sentence is all wrong.
“Goku sat up in bed and looked at Chi Chi.”
Ho hum! You want the first sentence to be alluring, the entire paragraph original and smooth, flowing and…. just… not that. Its too short, its too compact. Its just a bad way to start out the first chapter. Maybe the second, perhaps the third, but not the first. As for the next sentence, nearly as abominable, boring and ugh! You want the first paragraph to really grab people you know?! Make em’ say “daaaaaamn!” and keep reading. You want to hook them, draw them in and keep em’ reading.
Spitting out dull sentences like
“She was sound asleep, a smile on her face.”
Maybe next time, word something a little more like this …..
“His wife lay on her side, sound asleep, smiling with the dreams coursing through her mind.”
You don’t have to be so flowery and poetic, as I often over do them, but find your style a little more. Create more of a flow. Your story flows kind of like a “learn-to-read” book for kids.
“Jake can run. Jake ran. Jake ran fast.”
As far as story line, this lacks no amount of originality and I have to pause my treacherous critique simply to commend you on this point. Each sentence more shocking then the last, I hereby bow before the Queen of Twists, Turns and Surprises. I have NOTHING over you in this aspect. Absolutely NOTHING.
But your flow makes me want to hurl. ::grabs your head and presses it to story:: Look at this!! LOOK AT THIS!!
“‘I have to stop thinking like this! There’s no point in it now! By now, she might have children of her own - -‘
“But she doesn’t,” he said and put his hand over his face, “and its my fault. It’s all my fault- -“
Vegeta punched Goku. Goku blocked half-heartily and flew into a wall.”
Did I MISS something?! Shame on you! Shame shame shame you gorgeous little buttwipe! One second Goku is in a room with his “smiling” Chi Chi, the next he’s thinking.. and then he’s being punched! You need to set the stage a little better, otherwise we get the vision of Goku and Chi Chi in a room with a violent tempered Vegeta throwing random punches at people.
I understand the effect you were trying to get across, a subtle changing of scenes, but if you’re going to do that, create a way for the reader to understand that it’s changed. Ex; blatantly saying something like “out in the middle of no where, Vegeta threw a punch. OR you could simply space it better or place a divider between the paragraphs to symbolize a division between settings.
But the story line AGAIN is exceptional as rather than simply STATE Goku’s past “And this happened and then this and now here he is”… You really created a mystery, forgiving your first two sentences and hooking the lucky reader that’s made it thus far.
But you really need to slow things down, FireOcean. You seem to really rush through dialogue and scenes, throwing ideas and plot out there like you’re on the last mile of a marathon! It’s ok to take your time. Sure, you’ll lose all the idiot, weak minded 10 year olds that cant keep up with their attention spans, but you’ll create a very smooth, relaxing flow for your story.
What YOU fit into one chapter, might have been spaced out to at LEAST three or four chapters. When you have Goku confess what he did to Vegeta, its very empty of emotion.
IF you had taken your time, you could have really swept our hearts away. The whole reunion and what not being void of any real emotion and instead along the lines of
“Hey Kakarot, remember me? We had four kids together, I died, two of them died, but you’re an asshole and I need to go! But hey, I still love you! Goodbye!”
Does anyone else feel like we just did the last minute of the Indy Five Hundred? You could hold your breath through the entire thing, someone’s entire life story and past summed up in like.....what? Two paragraphs? Space it out!!!! Chill. Take your time.
The best piece of advice I could EVER give you is to take ten minutes out BEFORE you write. Sit in your room in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and become the character. Imagine yourself in their situation, with their past, their feelings, reactions and emotions. In a sense, you’ll BECOME them, writing with your feelings, as if you’re defending YOURSELF and explaining your OWN situation.
Become Ariaca! You’ve just come to the planet of your former mate, you have two kids with this mother fucker and he thought you died in a black hole only to come back to THIS planet with his bitch of a wife and kids… How are YOU going to feel about that? Are you going to rush into the dialogue, blah blah blah, I bore you four children you worthless shit, blah blah?
NO! You’re going to FEEL something. Hurt? Anger? Love? Abandonment? Jealousy? Hell, why not rage?
She speaks about her kids dying like she’s the weather forecaster.
“And today in the southern region we have two kids that kicked it.”
I think you get my point. Become the character and you will be writing an autobiography, fanfiction be damned. Then, and only then, will you see your writing as something other than a story. It will be the love of your life as within it, you conceal memories, emotions, feeling.. and a past that you essentially borrowed from your characters.
And by the way, how come if Goku didn’t know that Ariaca was pregnant, how the HELL did she bare him 4 kids? Quadruplets? Can we say, ouch?
And Goku, poor schmoe! He gets HIT with this sudden fact that Hey! Guess what Maury, we got a chick claiming he’s the father of four babies! Time for a DNA test eh? He might as well have been fucking a dog ((and My Suru Lover strikes again)) as this bitch is pooping out kids all around the mother fucking galaxy! You THINK he’d be a little more thoughtful about it all.
“Hmm.. lets see here, I’ve fathered more children than a polygamist in Utah and both my wives could beat me so bad the remains would fit in a jelly jar. Hmm... might have a bit of a predicament here.”
BUT, since I can’t write a mean critique anymore, I have to tell you that once you get those skills honed, you’re going to be a fucking FIEND at this shit! With a plot that blows me away, talent at creating shock effect, you’re truly a diamond in the rough.
Polish that up and you’ve got yourself something amazing girl!
Points for originality: Solid 10. Hell, if it were up to me, I’d give you 20. This is truly something different.
Grammar, punctuation and spelling: hmm… I was too shocked to pay any attention to this aspect, so I’m going with 10.
Characters as themselves: 7. They’re themselves… but LIKE the series, as people, they’re NOT three dimensional if you get my drift.
Skill altogether: 5.. You’ve REALLY gotta work on speed and delivery.
Likeable author: 10… just because I love you and we’re going to Mardi Gras together and I’d prefer not to be locked out of the hotel room buck naked!
Points accumulated altogether: 42. Get that pace and emotion right and you’ll be heading for a solid 50.
Ending remark- while I DO recommend this story, it needs work first. Consider this a first draft and show me the second ok?
Camaro