Rating: NC17

Pairing: Buffy/Faith

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine and I make no money off this.

Spoilers: Season Three, Amends

Summary: Faith doesn't know what to do about the previous night.

This was so stupid even for my standards. Stupid move, Faith. Stupid, stupid, stupid . . .

It's kinda cool outside the motel and I'm only sitting here on the cement in a tank top and shorts but at the moment, it could be better than going back into my room. I think I'm safer if I stay out here 'cause then I won't have to face any backlash. And that backlash is gonna suck.

I wish I had a cigarette or maybe a drink. Then again it's only maybe five in the morning so I'd feel a little weird takin' a swig of Jack it being before breakfast and all. I may enjoy the stuff but even I have my limits. Could really use a smoke though, even if only 'cause I did something last night I never thought I'd ever get to do. It was kinda my Everest so I think I should be able to enjoy it for as long as it takes me to have a smoke before I go back to all the self hatred.

Yesterday started out by sucking so completely. It sucks to wake up in this shithole motel knowing you're the only one in the world who cares whether you live or die. Sucks even more during the holidays. It's not like I have anyone here to spend Christmas with and that's kinda been getting me down.

I tried to be festive despite living where I do and having zero friends here in Sunnyhell. I nabbed some lights off a tree down the block and hung 'em in my room. Once I hung them though it only made me realize it sucks that I don't have a tree. Or any presents.

I was trying like hell to get my fucking cheap TV to work correctly when who shows up at my door? Fuckin' Buffy Summers. I hadn't seen her since she kicked the crap outta me while trying to protect her precious vampire and I really didn't wanna see her then either. It's not like we're friends or anything.

She seemed all high and mighty and all I wanted her to do was leave. Then she invited me to her Christmas Eve thing with her mom and the only thing the offer did was piss me the hell off. It wasn't hard to see her mom put her up to it even if she tried to deny it. The last thing I want is someone's pity even if it's from B's mom. She's cool and all but I don't wanna be anyone's charity case.

Since I knew the last thing Buffy wanted was for me to the holidays with her and her mom I called her bluff. I told her I would but also asked if she wanted to hang out with me for the day since we were suddenly all buddy-buddy again. I could tell she didn't and I figured she'd back out of everything. Then I'd have proof she wanted nothing to do with me.

I'll be damned if she wasn't dedicated to the lie or maybe it was that her mother really pressured her into inviting me and she didn't want to disappoint her. I know her mom has that kinda sway with her. Either way she stayed, saying that it had been light during patrols anyway so she could skip.

I wanted to laugh at that. Like I didn't already know that little fact. Even if I wasn't hanging out with her and going to whatever meeting they'd dare to invite me to, I was still patrolling every night. I like patrolling too much to stop just 'cause I'm not in league with the "real" slayer. Even though I don't want it to, it hurts that she doesn't think I'd go on my own, that I need to be told I should do what I'm made for. I don't like that someone thinks that little of me.

We ended up hanging out all afternoon and then ordered a pizza when we got hungry. Most of the time it was amazingly awkward but I slowly got used to her being in my room and she got used to being in the same room with me. I started to even become okay with it. Then I did something stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid . . .

I'd always imagined what it'd be like to fuck Buffy Summers. There were nights where I couldn't sleep and it'd be all I thought about. I wondered what she looked like naked, how her body would feel against mine, even what she'd let me do to her. All these thoughts were in my head most of the time and then there she was, sitting on my bed. I'm willing to bet no one would have enough willpower not to make a move.

Thing is, I don't have any big moves 'cause I don't normally need 'em. I can get plenty of action from just looking hot and flashing some cleavage in the general direction of some hot guy or girl so my move on B was damn embarrassing. All I did was lean over and kiss her.

That's it. I really wanna say there was a lot more leading up to that but there wasn't. The whole afternoon and night there wasn't any subtle touching, hand holding, arm skillfully placed around the shoulders or anything else. She showed no interest in me that way. Most of the time she nervously tried to look like she wanted to spend the day in my crappy room.

We had finished eating and she finally looked like she didn't want to leave at first chance. The TV started to work, too, so we didn't have to talk to each other when things got awkward. I don't think she would've lasted two hours if all we could do was talk.

Anyway, we're sitting on my bed and suddenly I got an urge. The kind of urge that comes outta nowhere and comes on strong. Since I have zero restraint when it comes to my urges anyway the next thing I know I'm kissing her. Not just a peck on the cheek or maybe on the forehead; I'm talking arms tight around her, intense and practically bruising kiss.

The second my lips hit hers I thought for sure I'd get my ass kicked and kicked badly if I so much as took a breath so I didn't. I held onto her tightly and did everything I could to make sure she didn't either. If she couldn't take a breath, she couldn't break away and kick my ass, right? That was my thinking anyway.

Here's what didn't happen: Buffy didn't stop me. Sure, she stiffened up for about a minute or so but after that she put her arms around me. She even started to respond to the kissing and the touching that followed soon after.

We fucked. Actually, I should really say I fucked her. A lot.

The amazing part was she let me. I figured when we started to really get going the stick she had up her ass would stop us. Then she'd get all embarrassed and run out my door as fast as she could with her face blushing brighter than the color of Willow's hair.

She didn't stop us. Hell, there wasn't even a hint of hesitation on her part. B held onto me tightly the entire time and I'm still not over how she responded when I touched her. The way she moaned out my name was pretty fucking awesome, too.

It was all hard and fast, too, just like I'm used to. It's all I really know and she seemed to be okay with that but what do I know anyway? It's not like we had a big talk about the fucking. There wasn't much talking at all, just a lot of moaning and groaning from the both of us.

I really did like the moaning and groaning . . .

What am I thinking? I'm gonna get my ass kicked as soon as I walk back in that room. I am so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid . . .

As soon as we were done moaning and groaning and getting all wriggly with each other, she fell asleep on top of me. She looked so comfortable and that made me comfortable. I fell asleep right with her.

I woke up a couple hours later, looked at her sleeping peacefully and freaked the fuck out. I'd just fucked Buffy Summers and fucked her good. Hell, so good that she didn't leave afterwards and was still naked in my bed. And I knew right then that as soon as she woke up everything was gonna blow up in my face.

So I'm outside my room, cold and swearing at myself. I've fucked up so royally here. I know what she's gonna say: I came onto her, I took advantage and so on and so on. I knew I can fight those charges pretty easily but the last mistake I know I can't argue with and it's the biggest. I'm letting her wake up alone.

There's a whole Angel and Buffy history I don't know about, I know that. But from the bits and pieces I've heard here and there I'm betting the morning after they did the deed wasn't exactly all flowers and sunshine. Angel did turn all evil right after. If it wasn't that she woke up alone after, it could be that she didn't wake up being held. She looks the type that would want to be held.

Either way I know the first and only other time she's had sex didn't have the best ending and now I've just made the second time horrible, too. It kinda shows just how much of a moron I am. I know what she wants and I'm too damn afraid of her reaction to do it. Another reason I'm the biggest fuckin' idiot in the world.

I turn my head and see the manager is outside the office and he's looking over at me. He's got a weird look on her face but I'm not sure what that means. I've paid my bill and everything so he has no reason to talk to me. There's no way someone would've complained about the noise B and I made last night. Hell, many nights I can hear more than one screwing couple and let me tell you, some of 'em are a hell of a lot kinkier than I'll ever be.

He keeps staring at me though and I really don't wanna talk to him. I know I gotta face the music, too. I'm gonna get yelled at and possible beat on by Buffy eventually and it might as well be now. Who knows? Maybe she'll still be asleep and it won't be half as bad as I think it'll be.

I look away from the increasingly creepy manager and get up off the cool cement. I take a deep breath and open the door, walking inside and almost running right into B. Damn, she did end up waking up. Not only did I not wanna face her right now but I also really wanted to see her naked again. Buffy has an incredible body and clothes hide how smokin' it is.

Oh, shit. I've been looking her up and down but when I look at her face I see she's been crying. Maybe for a while, too, since her cheeks are moist with tears and her eyes are all red.

Damn it, I'm such a fuckup. I should've been here. Sure, it probably would've been uncomfortable and maybe she would've started crying anyway but I can't help but think the reason she's crying now is that it looks like I fucked her and left. It looks like I've used her, like it meant nothing. That she means nothing.

Once again, it's another reminder I'm so fucking stupid.

She takes a couple steps backward and into the room as I close the door behind me. God, I don't know what to say. I know I should apologize but I don't know what to apologize for. I mean, I know I'm sorry for leaving her this morning but thinking about it, I don't know that I'm sorry for last night. I wanted to fuck her and deep down I bet she's not as ashamed as she wants to be. I know she had a good time and my neighbors know that, too.

Buffy's head is down though and she won't even look at me. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I know I gotta do something though 'cause seeing her like this is really getting to me. She probably thinks I don't care about anything or anyone but that's not true. I don't want her to cry either. No one should cry after spending the night with me, especially not someone I actually care about.

I take a few steps toward her and breathe a sigh of relief when she doesn't back away. When I reach her, being just inches away, I open my mouth again but no words come out. Instead, I put my hand on her chin and make her look at me. She looks so sad and I don't know I can say anything that'll stop that so I lean in and kiss her.

My arms are around her pretty damn quick 'cause I don't want her to back away but she's not trying to anyway. She's still for a few seconds but then she slowly puts her arms around me.

At this point, I can't believe what's happening. Once again, it seems she's okay with the kissing and the holding which makes my mind work on overdrive. I don't think clearly when my mind works on overdrive.

Next thing I know her jacket's off and I'm pushing at her until she's pressing against the wall and I'm pressed against her. By then I'm kissing her nice and deep, my tongue thoroughly exploring her mouth. I did plenty of that last night but I'm taking every opportunity to continue until she tells me to stop.

After a minute of me feeling her up something strange happens. I don't feel the need to go hard and fast but not because I don't want to. It's 'cause I don't think she wants to. I'm getting this feeling that she wants me to go slower.

I stop for a second but don't move. I've still got her pressed against the wall but I wanna look at her for a second. I gotta know that's what she wants. Sure enough, when she opens her eyes and looks into mine I see it. Not only that but I think I see that she wants me. That's gotta be what I see, right? She's got her arms around me and I think is waiting for me to make a move. Buffy has to want me just a little.

I put a hand on her cheek as I lean in and kiss her as gently as I can. She kisses me back and now I know I'm doing the right thing.

Our hands start to move everywhere and I really wanna get her naked again. The problem I've having is I've got her pinned and I'm not about to move. There's still that chance if I move away from her everything will stop and she'll leave. I can't take that chance but I'm not about to settle for making out either.

While we're still kissing tenderly, I move a hand down and pop open the button of her jeans. Her breath hitches just a little but she keeps her arms around me. Actually, what she does is move her hands under my shirt. Yep, finally doing something right.

I start to kiss and suck on her neck as I slip my hand into her panties. B breathes out a low moan and I really wanna smile about that but I know I have to concentrate. If I don't I might start to go back to hard and fast and I can tell how much she likes what I'm doing right now.

My fingers press against her clit and I'm rewarded with another moan. She moves a hand into my hair, keeping the other moving on my back. I'm thrilled she's got her hands on me. It makes me think she wants this but I don't want my mind on that right now. It's confusing as hell to think she might actually want me and I wanna focus on her, on what I'm doing.

Damn, she's already so wet for me so I slowly move my fingers off her clit. I move back to her lips at the same time and tenderly kiss her. I'm really going for gentle right now 'cause the last thing I was last night was gentle. Nothing about last night was gentle or tender.

Pretty soon I push my fingers slowly into her and I hear a combination of a moan, groan and cry. It's gotta be the best sound in the world and it keeps coming as I start up a slow rhythm.

I break away from kissing her face and neck to look her over. The look on her face right now might just make me come with her. Her pouty lips are only slightly apart and her eyes are half closed. One of her hands is gripping my back and the other is fully in my hair. She even moves her leg enough to give me a little more access.

I rest my forehead against hers for a moment before kissing her again. I keep on kissing her as I continue to move my fingers at a slow and steady pace. She's moving her body along with my fingers now, too, which makes me kiss her harder.

Now a question enters my head: is it possible to make love against a wall? It doesn't seem like we're fucking anymore but all the movies I've seen with all the slow, gentle loving it's on a bed or someplace romantic with candles and some shitty music in the background. Sex against a wall is just sex but for some reason I want this to be something more than that.

We keep going at it for what seems like forever until she comes with a scream. Actually, she screams my name and I love the sound of it. It kinda feels like for that moment she's mine and I finally realize that's what I want. Even it's for a moment, I want Buffy to be mine.

I keep her coming as long as I can before I feel her body kinda sags in my arms. She sighs out as I remove my hand from her pants and I kiss her gently as I move to pick her up and carry her over to the bed. Buffy keeps her arms around me as I do which feels amazing. It'll be more amazing if we were naked but I'll take what I can get. This has gotta mean she's not angry with all the sex, right? If she was she wouldn't be hanging on me right now.

I get it so we're lying back down and I make sure to keep my arms around her. We stare at each other for a few minutes without saying anything. The only thing I'm doing right now is keeping an arm around her and I'm sure as hell not saying anything. There's nothing I could say anyway. She needs to start whatever conversation might come next.

Finally, B says something and if I didn't have the wicked slayer hearing I'm not sure I would've even heard her. "Where did you go?"

I know what she's expecting me to say. The only thing in her head is my "get some, get gone" line. She doesn't know enough about me to know I want her and not for just a fuck. Buffy's not someone I just picked up after a hard slay and not someone I'd use when I'm bored. She doesn't know any of that though.

"I was outside," I finally say quietly.

"Oh." She looks away and if I didn't know any better I'd say she was checking me out. I wanna stretch and kinda show off but now's not the time. "I thought you were waiting for me to leave."

I knew it! I knew that's what's she'd think. There really wasn't any other option for her. She wakes up before it's even light out and I'm not in the room. It's not like I left a note saying I was right outside the door shaming myself for fucking everything up.

"I . . . I didn't know . . . I just . . ." I can't think of the right thing to say. Is there a right thing to say? "I was . . . afraid of what you'd say when you woke up."

I don't even recognize my own voice right now. I always try my best to sound confident no matter if I am or not but I can't fake it here. Faking it might make Buffy think it's not a big deal to me and this is a fucking big deal.

We're both looking away from each other for a minute but I feel her hand on my cheek, making me look at her. It looks like she wants to cry again and I have no idea if that's good or bad. Some chicks cry at good things, right? I've never been one to do that but I'm thinking maybe she is.

Buffy's got this real intense look and I'm kinda lost in it before she leans in and gives me a light kiss. It only lasts a couple seconds but it's the best kiss I've ever gotten.

"Faith," she says quietly as she looks at me, "did this mean something?"

Damn it, I can't read her at all. I don't know if I should be noncommittal and wait for her to say what she wants or if I should let her know this meant more to me than one incredible night where I fucked her in ways I never even dreamed of.

"I guess this can mean whatever you want it to mean."

She takes a little breath and I'm hoping she knows I'm not trying to brush her off. "It means more to me than just . . . sex."

"Me, too." I smile a little at that, trying to show her I mean it. "You wanna, I don't know, hang out here again today?"

Buffy shakes her head slowly but she's got a little smile on her face. At least she likes that the sex means more to me than she probably thought. "Maybe you could come back with me to my house. We could hang out there and you could, ya know, stick around. Christmas is only a couple days away."

I think I might have died or am dreaming or something. There's no way I would've ever imagined after last night, a night I thought Buffy would think is a mistake, she'd be still inviting me to spend Christmas with her and her mom. Hell, she's inviting me to stay for a couple days. I wonder if I'll be staying in her room. Maybe there'll be more nakedness.

"Faith?" Buffy says quietly, pulling me out of my stance. "Is that okay? I thought maybe we could talk and hang out."

I nod 'cause like I would say no to that. "Yeah, that's cool. Think we could just do one thing before we go over there?"

"What?"

I pull her to me and lean into her so I our foreheads are almost touching. "I kinda wanna get you in the shower."

She blushes but still smiles. "Sounds like a plan."

Wow, this is awesome. I almost immediately pull her up and toward the bathroom. I can't believe this is happening. I swear this is the best day of my crappy life.

Merry Christmas to me.