New Beginning
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8
Chapter 1
I step out of the shower
of our cheap motel room. Wrapping a towel around me, I stroll towards the sink.
I look up and stare at my reflection in the mirror. She is Buffy Summers, same
blond hair, now wet and ruffled, same nose, same freckles, same mouth. But her
eyes are no longer the same. They betray her appearance. The woman looking back
at me, is no longer the slayer, no longer the only one, damned to live her life
in isolation. She is one of many, nothing special anymore, no freak of nature.
Her best friend is the most powerful witch ever seen, maybe really "a
godess" as Kennedy had named her, but she is one of many now.
I reach up and try to
unwind the knots in my hair with my hands. I don’t have a comb or any spare
clothes, but it doesn’t matter to me. From the other side of the door, I can
hear Dawn turning on the tv. Surely there will be some fresh news about a
certain city in California being blown away. My eyes water as I fight against
my hair. I study my face through my blurry vision. Scars, scratches, bruises.
My wound in my belly is already healing, I checked that in the shower.
My hair is done and I
observe my hands sinking down. They clasp the sink in a desperate effort to
steady me. We’d been driving for hours, looking for a hospital, for a place to
sleep in. Perched into the bus, I did my duty. Treated the wounded, made fake
plans for our future. Anything to prevent this from happening in front of the
others. The only person in front of whose eyes I could have cried died in said
destroyed city.
As did so many others.
Anya, slayers.
My tears are dripping
into the stained white porcelain and I close my eyes so that I don’t have to
see them. Instead I see him. Spike.
His hopeful eyes as I
told him I had been with him. His vulnerability as he assumed that first night
of ours really sharing tenderness, wouldn’t mean anything to me. As he told me
how much it meant to him. He’s in my heart. He’s in my thoughts all the time.
The regrets of waisted opportunities, the rememberance of all the times I hurt
him and he nevertheless stood beside me, choke me. My throat burns and I can’t
cry enough.
I love you.
No you don’t. But thanks
for saying it.
I force my head up and
stare into the mirror. As I whisper I look deep inside myself to find him.
"I love you. I really do, Spike." He didn’t believe me, of course he
didn’t, after seeing me with Angel. I should have made him. Should have told
him right then, that Angel and I share a different kind of love. That I never
was so close with my first lover than with him. That only Spike knew me, like
he had claimed. Best and worst of me. And that I love him for what he made me
be.
But I didn’t, hoped he
would understand, could read it in my eyes, in my body as I held him tight.
I close my eyes and draw
a deep breath. As I open them again, my tears are ceasing and I prepare myself
to face my sister. I’ll be strong for her, she lost friends, too. And I will
tell her how proud I am of Spike.
The vampire who turned
into a man.
I will tell her all
about him, what good he had done, and what it means to me. I can’t tell him,
but maybe he can hear me, wherever he is.
I’m sure he’ll be in
heaven, like I once was, and that thought makes me smile. He deserves
happiness. He’ll find it there.
I reach for my clothes
and put them on. The stains are washed out as good as possible and as I look
one last time at my reflection, I see her almost glad. I can read in her eyes
she grieves, but a huge weight has fallen from her shoulders. She’ll live, for
him.
So one of us is living.
I go for the door and step
into the bedroom. Dawn smiles at me and I sit down on her bed, facing the tv
and waiting for the Sunnydale news.
I’m sitting at Xander’s
side in the departures’ area of L.A.’s airport. I still can’t belive that I’m
about to fly to England with my friends. It’s my first time out of America and
I’m actually nervous.
But then, we have a lot
of things ahead of us. Things like establishing a new watcher’s council in
London. Finding every new slayer.
In the whole world.
And for the fun of it,
slay demons.
The speaker announces
our flight is ready to be boarded and I grab my little bag, which is stuffed
with new clothes, and follow Giles and the others. On the plane I actually
manage to win me a window seat, Dawn insisted on a window seat, too, so she
sits with Willow and Kennedy. I sit next to Xander and Giles. Well, Xander
almost sits on top of me, as the plane starts to shake and roll, as he tries to
catch a look out of the window, too. But soon the force of the rising and then
flying plane presses him into his seat and he clutches the seatbelt with both
hands. I smile. Survived armageddon…s and is afraid to fly.
After several hours of
flying, the view doesn’t offer me anything new or interesting. The movie is
boring, and Xander has fallen asleep. Giles is reading a newspaper and to be
honest, I really don’t want to talk to him right now. We’ve done that a lot the
last three days, all stuffed with apologies and … Spike. I close my eyes and
try to rest.
I remember the call I
gave Angel, to tell him, no second barrier was needed, that all evil was fought
and that Spike did it. He was very silent, probably jealous in some sick way,
and then I told him I was going abroad. He wished me fun, and that was it.
Sometimes I don’t understand him at all.
I feel my arms and legs
become heavier as I fall asleep.
London is great, if
you’re interested in fortesses or churches. I love Oxford Street, though.
Shopping heaven. As we had set out, the first day -- against Giles’ plan to
find the new headquartes for the council--, we shopped so much, my feet were
numb as I fell into my bed back at the hotel.
The subway is somewhat
annoying, I always get lost.
And Dawn was almost
crashed by a car. Why do they have to drive on the wrong side of the street
anyway? I don’t get those people.
By the way, we lost
Giles after half an hour of shopping on said first day, near Piccadilly Circus.
He mumbled something about the biggest book shop in Europe and hasn’t been seen
since the following day. Whatever floats your boat.
At the moment, I’m
looking out of my window. In the distance, through the rain, I spot Big Ben. I
wonder who gave that thing its name. I don’t know much about Freud, but…
I sigh. The air is humid
and chilly. It smells so differently than the constant summer-ish California
air. Involuntarily I wonder how London was like, as Spike was still human.
Where he had been. I’m sure he might have shown me the interesting spots.
I wish he was here. I
can see him in my mind, coming out of the bathroom, which in reality is Dawn,
to approach me and embrace me from behind. Which Dawn doesn’t, she slumbs down
on the bed, and after pushing a button, complains about the tv program.
"No, I don’t know
why they still show MacGyver, Dawn." I focus my attention again on Big
Ben, but as hard as I try, I can’t call my imaginary Spike back. I miss the
real one too much to dream about him. The truth is still to fresh.
Tomorrow, and Giles made
that very clear, we’ll start putting the new council back together. I don’t
know how we’ll ever manage to find all slayers, but I trust Giles to have a
stragedy for everything.
One month has passed.
One month of planing and consulting and researching. Thanks to Willows
abilities, we could locate some slayers. I took Dawn along and let the others
take care of the council matter. I’m not interested in that. I’m better with
the action.
Most of the girls, they
weren’t older than Dawn, thought we were crazy but we managed to convince most
of them to meet us at our new headquarters. It has a Scotland Yard kind of
feeling to it, and that’s exactly how I think about my work right now. Hardly
any demons to find, I really miss Spike, he could have helped me slaying. He
could have helped me sleeping, too and surely would have made me smile. I was
often in situations I longed for him to say something totally off topic and
inadequate. But he wasn’t there.
As we are all sitting in
a pub, trying to relax, Willow mutters something. Her eyes are determined and
they are fixed on Giles.
"What?" I ask,
alarmed.
"Tell her
Giles," Willow says.
She’s not asking, she’s
demanding, but still polite. I look at my former watcher and as I observe him
taking off his glasses, I know he has something difficult to tell me.
"Giles, what is
it?" I quickly glance at everybody and I realise, they are having a
secret. All of them, except Dawn. I feel the anger of betrayal slowly building
up and ask again.
"Giles, what is
it?" This time not allowing a not-answer.
"Angel called last
night," he informs me.
"So? What did he
want?"
"Spike. He’s
back."
I stare at him. Unable
to speak, unable to think. Trying to comprehend the words. Dawn speaks for
me.
"What do you mean,
he’s back. Wasn’t he dead?" She pauses and adds, sligtly puzzled.
"Well,…of course…that doesn’t mean much nowadays…"
Willow takes over and
explains to me, what they hesitated letting me know. "He was trapped in
the germ, the one that burned him. Or…to be more precise…his….body wasn’t…
stored…"
As I obviously don’t
understand she clarifies this in Buffy-speech. "He’s a ghost,
Buffy."
I don’t know if I should
cry or laugh. My only family left conspired against me and didn’t inform me
that the man I loved and who died for me --and them btw-- came back…as a ghost.
The first part of this wants to make me cry, the second part almost laugh. The
forces screw up big time. Always. I’m not completely human anymore and Spike is
no longer neither vampire nor man.
I laugh.
Willow and Giles stare
at me confused and almost afraid. Dawn hesitates but then puts a hand on my
arm.
"Buffy, are you
alright?"
I shake my head while
laughing so hard I start crying. Only slowly can I calm down to ask one of the
many questions that are on my mind.
"So. Spike is back.
And no-one of you thinks it neccessary to tell me?"
Willow almost looks
hurt. "I did, Buffy."
"Yes, you did.
After *one day*, Will. I could already sit on a plane and be halfway
there."
"That’s why we were
hesitating, Buffy." Giles tries to reason me.
"Oh, I see. I’m
sorry. It was my fault to think, that Spike has earned some of your
respect." I’m about to stand up and run out into the night, but he holds
me back.
"No, that’s not it.
You haven’t heard the whole story, Buffy."
I reluctantly sit down
again and show him I’ll listen.
"I don’t know, how
this was possible, neither does Angel. He called me, not you, because…well, I’m
sure you can imagine his reasons. But, he was hoping we might find a way to
help him."
"Help him?
Why?"
"Because…obvioulsy,
Spike is…about to be pulled back….," he pauses and looks at Willow.
"Pulled back where
Giles? We are waisting time, here," I hiss.
"…into
hell."
Hell. One word. One
syllable. Short. Quick. But equalling torture, agony, despair, hopelessness,
pain, suffering. I’ve been to heaven. Paradise, pure happiness. To imagine the
opposite of it makes my hard turn cold. And imagining Spike in it. The only
thing that brought me through the lonely nights was the thought of him, resting
in heaven. When all the time he was in hell.
"We have to help
him!" I order it. Simply, as I always do. And to my surprise, Willow nods.
"I’m working on it
Buffy. It’s complicated and it might take a bit of time. But we might succeed
in bringing him back. The only thing is….I don’t know what he’ll be. Man,
Vampire, bad or good."
I close my eyes and let
my face fall into my hands. He’s with Angel, all the time he was trapped
somewhere and now he has to be …what? Bodyless, not being able to touch? I
blame myself that I never checked what kind of germ I gave him, where it came
from. It’s my fault. And Angel’s. As I face my friends again, my mind is
set.
"Willow, you and
Giles find out a way to help him. No matter what it takes, if he goes to hell,
I’ll do what it takes to follow him and get him out of there. Dawn, you make
sure they really work on it."
She nods.
"Check!"
I continue. "I’ll
go to the airport now, book a flight and leave for L.A. I hope the moment I set
one foot inside Angel’s office, that my cell phone rings and you tell me you
can revive him. If you think you might have to be in L.A to do it, Willow,
you’d better start packing ‘cause you are going to accompany me."
Kennedy starts to
protest but I silence her with a look. Willow assures me she can handle it from
here and doesn’t have to come along. Then I stand up, grab my coat and leave
without looking back. If I’ll lose him for good, heaven help my friends.
The plane takes way to
long to cross the sea. I can’t sleep. Instead I flick through magazines, try to
watch the boardmovie and then as the pilot announces we’ll land in L.A in about
30 minutes, my stomach cramps and my mouth gets dry.
Spike. I have no idea
how he’ll react to my being there, I’m sure he doesn’t want me to see him like
this, probably always pictured himself surprising me in London. Like I always
did. I’ve been seeing me, standing on a road at night, trying to cross it and
from behind me, a warm and well-known voice warns me. "Be careful, pet.
Look right first." And I turn around only to see him standing there,
smiling at me. Or he’ll be waiting for me on the other side, watching me cross
the street and walking straight into his embrace. But as it shows, he needs
Willows help to hug me again.
The plane lands and I
hurry to leave the airport and grab a taxi. I look at the crumbled piece of
paper I had been clinging to the last hours with the adress of Angel’s new
office scribbled on it in Giles’ handwriting.
I stare out at the
dawning day, the familiar heat of California not yet built up.
Finally the driver halts
and lets me out. I pay, grab my belongings and enter the building. The elevator
smoothly goes up and I step out of it into a vast office. It’s barely lit, only
some employees are already at work, or haven’t left yet.
I wonder whether Angel
is here, but instead I hear a distant complaining. A voice is talking, I assume
the person is talking to himself and I immediately realize who he is.
As I step closer,
hesitating, a bit frightened of how he might look like, my heart quickens its
rhythm. I stop in front of a door and watch him pacing through the room. He is
wearing his duster, same hair, same clothes, swearing, complaining about his
existence and then he stops.
His back to me, facing
the huge windows, I can see him tense. Then his head moves, slowly and he
starts to turn around until he finally faces me. His eyes become wide, sadness
and hope mixed in his glance, he slightly tilts his head and wants to say
something but in the blink of an eye he’s vanished.
"Spike!" My
heart stops and I fear he’s gone forever but someone tells me, "He’ll show
up again." I turn and look at Angel. I hadn’t heard him approaching and
from the look he sends me I can see, he expects me to hug him, but I
won’t.
"You should have
called me earlier." That’s all I say as I finger for my cell phone in my
bag and call Willow, hoping she has good news for me.
However she dissappoints
me by telling me, she needs about one more day, but then she’ll probably be
able to help him. I order her to hurry.
"Where is
she?" As I turn, I see Spike running into the room, trough the walls and
partly trough Angel, who grumbles annoyed.
He stops in front of me
and trying to say the right words he goes for "Hi Buffy."
I feel the tears
starting to build in my eyes and I wish I could hold him, tell him all I ever
wanted him to know. But all I say is: "Hi Spike. See, now we have one more
thing in common." He smiles weakly and his eyes never leave mine. His
voice cracks as he speaks. "Are you…I mean…are you okay?"
"I *told* you she
is Spike," Angel barks from behind Spike but I choose to ignore him.
"Yeah, fine. And
I’ll make sure, you will be, too." Spike nods and swallows hard. So much
emotion, but it can’t get out.
"Just hang on one
more day. Willow said she’ll be done then. Okay?"
"I’ll do my best,
luv. But better tell her to hurry. They….are close…."
I shudder at the image
of ‘them’ and what they’ll do to him. And in his eyes I see fear, terror.
"They won’t get you, Spike. I won’t let them!"
At that he almost
smiles. His confidence in me is so strong, so unshakable. I catch it and
project it right back at him. The way he looks at me, I can tell he is at the
end of his strenght. But he’s a fighter, I know he’ll hang on.
"Buffy, there’s
something we need to talk…." I step closer to him and smile.
"Shh," I interrupt him, "We’ve plenty of time for that. You know
Willow. Most powerful witch ever wandering Earth, remember?" He says he
does. And then vanishes again.
"Damn it Angel. Why
didn’t you inform me? Is this your…jealousy…or…are just childish?" I’m so
mad at him, I never thought I’d ever be. A girl runs into the room, I’ve never
seen her before, followed by…"Harmony?" Things are getting weirder
every minute.
"Buffy," she
snorts at me. "Are you happy now? Look what you’ve done to my
blondiebear!"
I lack the will to
answer her and so I just look at Angel. "Well, she works here," he
shrugs and Harmony adds, somewhat proud: "I’m his secretary."
I feel so weak this very
moment. "And you are?" I ask the unfamiliar girl, who obviously is
eager to say something.
"Fred. Hi."
Fred, of course. How could I excpect her to have a girl name such as…Anna?
"I….I think I might
have found something," she exclaims and after listening to her, I phone
Willow. "Here, talk to her," I advise as I hand her my phone.