Rated VERY STRONG NC-17!! Do NOT read if you are underage. If there were a higher rating than NC-17, this fic would get it!

Warnings for: This is an extremely hardcore, raunchy fic folks!! Tons of explicit, graphic sex, multiple partners, slash, group sex, kink, anal, sex toys and objects used, bondage, deals with the seedy porn industry, angst, drug use, just about everything but the kitchen sink in this one! Wait...I think there is a kitchen sink scene in here somewhere...

Pairings (or triplings) include: M/F, M/M/F, M/M, F/F/M, M/M/M among other combos

A LARGE MALE GENITALIA ADVISORY is in effect for all viewing areas. *wink*

Summary: Buffy goes to Hollywood to become an actress, against her family's wishes. William is a momma's boy who goes to Hollywood to make porn films for easy money. They meet (eventually!) through a quirk of fate.

Buffy and Spike don't meet each other for many chapters. There's lots of couplings, but the story is ultimately Spuffy.

Joss and ME own everything. I own nothing. A nod also has to go to the movie 'Boogie Nights' for the initial inspiration for this fic.

"Cheek to Cheek" lyrics by Irving Berlin. "Black Betty" is by Ram Jam

Additional credits at the end of the story.

Thanks to Sweetie for beta-ing this fic for me!

{A/N: This is where the story will split and go in two different directions, a 'What if?' scenario. There will be two different versions of the story, one with lots of angst and pain (Path A), and one version not as painful (Path B). Something that Spike does changes the course of the story. I'll only be posting both versions on my own website, Panther Crawl.}

Spike knocked on Buffy's dressing room door.

Their movie was shooting today. They needed to talk, or he felt that they should. Things were so weird right now. Spike tried talking to Lilah and Wilkins about recasting his part. Lilah was upset because she really didn't want Spike and Buffy doing anything together. But Wilkins insisted on it.

"Come in," Buffy said.

He went in. "Hey," Spike said softly.

Buffy looked at him in the mirror. "What do you want?" she asked coldly, her eyes shooting daggers into the mirror.

"I...um...thought that maybe we should talk before the movie today. I know this will be awkward--"

"Now, why would it be awkward? Oh! You mean because we broke up and you're an asshole?" Buffy asked sarcastically.

Spike looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? Well, why didn't you say so!? That makes it all better!"

Buffy had been freaking out all day about doing the movie with Spike.

"Buffy, please--"

"The only thing that I'm sorry about is how much time I wasted on you," she said, brushing her hair. 'I won't cry! I won't cry! Be tough! Show him that you're strong--He can't hurt you!'

"I went to...Lilah," Buffy said the name like it burned her tongue, "and Mr. Wilkins to have my part recast, but apparently, the fans think we're something special together. Ha! Shows what they know, eh?"

Spike was having a hard time maintaining his composure. She was being so cold. "I tried too, to get out of doing the movie. They want it to get made with us."

Buffy turned toward him in her chair, her face angry. "You don't want to do movies with me? Do you find me repulsive? You can't even pretend to enjoy fucking me? Sorry, I'm not Lilah!"

"No! It's not--Buffy...I knew it would be awkward for you...and me...both of us. It's not that I don't want you--That I don't want to make love to you--"

"Whoa! Stop right there! Make love to me? That isn't happening ever again. That never happened in the first place."

"Yes, it did. I love you! When I was with you, it was always making love."

Buffy almost crumbled at the sincerity and the sadness in his eyes and voice; he was so beautiful and looked so broken (as broken as she felt inside). She had the urge to throw her arms around him. Her determination wavered for a second.

'No! He's putting on an act. Nothing's changed. He's still with Lilah. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you crack.'

"Don't say that to me again," Buffy told him. "I have to finish getting ready. Leave."

"Don't you miss me? Even a little?" Spike asked, looking (and feeling) like a lost little boy.

Buffy pointed a shaky finger at him. "Don't you fucking start with that! I'm not the bad guy here. There's one bad guy--That would be YOU!"

"I'm not saying that," Spike struggled to say something right. "You treat me like you hate me. I miss you so much, Buffy. Can't we--"

"To answer your question, no. I don't miss you. You make me sick. You're not a man, you're a...I don't know what you are, but you're not a man. A man stands up for his convictions. A man defends the woman that he loves and wouldn't let anyone come between them. And I do hate you now, so fuck off!" Buffy had to get him out of there, she was going to start bawling any second.

Spike's heart withered at her toxic words. He couldn't take it anymore. He was trying to defend her and keep her safe, in his own way. The impulse to tell her the truth grew. Spike was about to open his mouth ag ain when there was a rapping at the door.

"Come in," Buffy said quickly, relieved that she wouldn't have to be alone with Spike anymore.

Caleb came in. He took in the scene and felt like turning right back around and leaving without a word. Something heavy was going on between the blondes; emotions were obviously running high.

"Hey...I was just comin' by to say hello. Spike, how you doin'?"

"Hi, Caleb," Spike said, his eyes watery. The urge to reveal Lilah's blackmail shrank back.

"I'm...interrupting. I'll talk to ya'll later," Caleb said, starting to close the door.

"No, it's alright," Buffy wanted to grab onto Caleb to keep him from leaving. "Spike was just leaving." She looked at him pointedly.

"Yeah...I was...leaving." God--He wanted to tell her the truth so badly! Spike hesitated a moment, cast one more pathetic glance at Buffy then left.

He needed a drink badly. He couldn't take seeing her like that, looking at him with so much venom. And Caleb...It appeared that he was taking advantage of the breakup to get with Buffy. What if Buffy decided that she did like the sexy southerner more, afterall? His raging insecurity came back with a vengeance. Spike was heartbroken all over again.

When the door shut, Buffy immediately began sobbing and dropped her face down to her hands. Caleb rushed over, patting and stroking her back.

"Hey, now...Don't cry. It's alright."

"No it isn't," she whined. "I can't do this! How can I do this, Caleb? I still love him. I can't let him get to me. But...he's going to be touching me...and kissing me...and...." Buffy shook her head and rubbed her upper arms. "I can't do it without letting him see how much I really love and miss him."

"How 'bout a little liquid courage?" Caleb asked, taking a silver flask out of his jacket pocket.

Buffy sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Booze?"

"Bourbon. Sippin' whiskey. Sometimes it helps to have a little nip when you're having a rough day."

Buffy remembered how loose she'd felt when Parker had plied her with expensive Brandy. Maybe it would help.

"How about a BIG nip?"

Caleb smiled and handed the flask to her. Buffy opened it and downed a big gulp. It burned it's way down her throat.

"Euugwwaa!" She screwed up her face and stuck out her tongue.

"Hey, don't gulp it down like that! Little nips, remember?" Caleb knelt on the floor next to her chair. "Sip on it. You're gonna be alright, ya hear?" He took her chin and turned her face so that he could look in her eyes.

Buffy sighed and smiled. "Yeah, I hear. Hearing isn't the hard part, it's believing it."

"You're an actress. This will be a piece of cake. All you gotta do is go out there and have some great sex. I know you can do that."

"But...it's Spike." She took another sip of the whiskey. "I miss him so fucking much...But I don't want it like that. I want him to come to me, begging for my forgiveness, telling me that he doesn't care what Lilah says..." Buffy sobbed and took another drink. "I don't want to have sex with him...It's not right. His kisses, his touches, his...I can't have him do those things to me without showing him that I still love him. He didn't mean it...when he said he loved me all those times. He couldn't have. God...he really is a good actor."

Caleb hugged her loosely. "If it helps..." he pulled back to look in her eyes, his disarming grin in place, "you can pretend it's me instead. No pesky emotions to get in the way. Just world-class screwing."

Buffy sniffed and giggled. "Yeah, maybe I'll do that. I do care about you though, don't think that I don't."

"I know, Buffy. But not like you care about...him. Just pretend it's me. That and the bourbon might help you make it through."

Buffy nodded, throwing back another large swallow of the burning liquid. "Euughhlaa!"

Caleb was thoughtful for a second. "What if Lilah said she'd fir e him--or you, if he didn't break up with you? Maybe it's something like that?"

Buffy shook her head. "Then why wouldn't he tell me? No, that wouldn't make sense. All he said was that we couldn't be together 'for a while', whatever the fuck that means. He lied to me. If he really loved me he would have stuck up for us."

Caleb patted her on the back soothingly.

'Okay...Okay...I can do this.' Spike paced around on the set.

He was an emotional wreck. Every time he spoke with Buffy, he left more devastated than the last. Seeing the hurt, anger and hate in her eyes, hearing the cutting edge in her voice was painful. More painful than an actual physical blow. He felt like he could easily go insane from it. It was getting more and more difficult to hang on.

Spike wished that he could tell her the truth, but it would be selfish of him. He had almost blown it in her dressing room by blurting it out, before Caleb showed up. He'd be helping himself but be hurting her even more if he told her--He couldn't do that. The panic that Buffy experienced at the slightest mention of her parents finding out about her movie career was a big indication of how she'd react if she knew of Lilah's threat. One possibility was that she might flip out and attack Lilah or something. He didn't know what exactly Buffy would say, do or feel if she knew--and he didn't want to find out. Spike resolved to be strong and find an equitable way out of this.

But that left him like this: still deeply in love and hurting down to the very marrow of his bones. Missing her, spilling buckets of tears crying over her, stumbling away, wounded to the core, from one of her angry attacks when he tried talking to her. He bled from a thousand invisible wounds, feeling weaker and weaker by the day. It was easy for Spike to understand now--Why man once believed that the human heart was the center of thinking; where the soul was housed. His heart ached; it hurt so badly that he'd think there was really something organically wrong with it, if he didn't know better.

To make matters worse (if that were possible), Harmony was back from her self-imposed exile. At least she wasn't trying to talk to him like she used to. She barely even made eye contact with Spike or any of the others.

"About time, Princess," Warren said, attracting Spike's attention.

Buffy was striding onto the set, looking relaxed and smiling. "Sorry, Warren. I was chatting with Caleb and lost track of time. I'm ready, let's go."

Buffy took off her robe and handed it to Andrew. She was wearing a black lace bra and panty set. Spike sighed inwardly, he loved her body; so toned, tanned and beautiful. He took off his robe, leaving him in his dark blue boxer-briefs.

Buffy glanced at him and then away quickly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. God, she loved his body. She missed touching it and feeling it pressed against her.

'Don't think about that. Think of Caleb--imagine he's Caleb. That will make it easier.'

"Take your places by the bed," Warren said.

Spike and Buffy walked over to the bed.

This movie was just straight-forward fucking; no plot. The PWP's were still the studio's bread and butter, though they'd done several big budget features.

Skin on Skin

Starring: Spike, Buffy Winters, Anya, Kendra, Darla St. John, Robin Wood, Holden Webster, Harmony Kendall

Spike and Buffy were both hesitant, he more so than she was. He didn't have a warm, bellyful of bourbon to help him relax. She put her arms around his neck and moved against his body. Spike put his arms around her waist. They looked at each other for a few, seemingly endless moments.

Buffy looked away from hi s intense eyes, closing her own. If she kept her eyes closed and didn't see Spike, maybe she could pretend it wasn't him. It hurt too much for it to be him. She began kissing his neck as her hands moved over his shoulders.

Spike sighed softly, beginning to move his hands up her back. He unhooked her bra then ran his hands over the length of her back. Buffy moaned, her hands running through his hair.

Spike put himself back in time, to one of the many nights that they had shared a bed and made love all night long. A time when there had been nothing holding them back; no lies, no secrets or bad feelings. He craved her touch. His lips pressed kisses to the side of her face, moving down to her throat.

Buffy kept her eyes closed, feeling her blood pumping in her veins. Her pulse pounded against his mouth. He made her feel so good. He could excite her with the most fleeting touches; her skin tingled and heated wherever he touched her. Spike's lips...No. Not Spike. She couldn't deal with Spike doing these things to her, making her feel this way. Caleb. It was Caleb, not Spike. Caleb is...safe. She pictured Caleb in her mind's eye: kissing her neck, those were his hands sliding down into her panties to cup her ass. Buffy threw herself fully into the fiction, making herself believe it was Caleb.

"Ohhhh--Oh Caleb," Buffy moaned quietly in his ear. It was barely a whisper, but he'd heard it.

Spike froze with his lips on her neck and his hands pushing her panties down. White-hot pain shot through his heart--ripping, tearing, destroying. That was in the top 5 things that she could say that could hurt him the most after all of the fears he'd had about Caleb in the past.

"Mmmm, don't stop, baby," she said, rubbing herself against him.

Spike broke away from her and looked at Warren. "Can you cut, please?"

"What's the problem?" Warren asked, sighing heavily.

"I--I don't feel well. I can't--I can't do this today." Spike made an effort to keep from shaking and crying. 'Or any day.' Spike added silently.

"We're shooting here, Spike. Just do it. I've got another movie to do today," Warren said un-sympathetically.

"What's wrong, Spike?" Lilah asked.

"I just don't feel well. Nauseous. I'm not able to do...this today."

Buffy was looking at him curiously. Then she realized that she'd actually called him 'Caleb'--and it had wounded him. There was a sharp pang of guilt and remorse; he had been so insecure that first night after Caleb left their bedroom, the night they eventually confessed their 'love' to each other. Spike had seemed so torn up inside that he might lose her to the hot southern man. Buffy pushed away her guilt. He deserved to have his ego stomped on, she wished she could do a Mexican Hat Dance on it. It couldn't be anything compared to what she'd felt when he'd informed her that he was breaking up with her just because Lilah told him to.

Lilah knew that Spike was having difficulties that didn't have anything to do with a simple upset stomach. Working with Buffy was too hard for him right now. That was fine with Lilah, she didn't want them screwing on or off screen.

"Okay, Spike. Why don't you call it a day then, sweetie," Lilah said.

"What?" Warren whirled on her. "We're wasting time and money!"

"Warren, if Spike doesn't feel up to it, then he doesn't feel up to it."

"This is a great reason why the actors shouldn't get involved," Warren swept his hand towards Buffy and Spike, "They break up and their performances turn to shit! Suck it up, Spike! If you can't get it up with her, we'll get Amanda or Vi to pump you up."

"No, I'm not working today," Spike said roughly, picking up his robe and walking away.

Before a vein could burst in Warren's head, Lilah said, "We'll just get a replacement for Spike on this one."

Harmony had been standing by, trying not to giggle and jump up and down the whole time. She was closer to getting some Blondie Bear lovin' back. He'd been a big meanie, what with tricking her that horrible night, but she had no doubt that it was that bitch Buffy that made him do it. Harmony knew that Spikey really liked her.

She was quick to help out with a suggestion to Lilah, "How about Caleb? I saw him just a little while ago. I'm sure he'll be up happy to step in."

Spike's stride faltered momentarily, but he kept moving.

"Good idea, Harmony," Lilah said, taking a moment to digest that unusual sentence. "Jonathan, Andrew, could you two go find Caleb and tell him that I need to see him right away about doing this film?"

"Sure, Ms. Morgan," Jonathan said.

Buffy offered, "He's probably visiting with Tara and Willow in their dressing room." She took her robe back from Andrew before he scampered off to get Caleb.

Buffy covered herself up and watched with sorrowful eyes as Spike exited the soundstage. She still felt bad for hurting him like that. If he ever called her 'Lilah' in a moment of passion, she would have ripped his throat out--His gorgeous, smooth, hot throat...But he deserved to hurt, Buffy reminded herself. Still...She felt hollow inside.

Spike got dressed and laid on the couch in his dressing room. He stared up at the ceiling, counting little black spots scattered amongst the white. It was like a negative of the night sky. He tried quieting his mind.

Xander knocked then stuck his head inside the room. "Hey, man. I heard you were sick or something," he said, looking worried.

"I couldn't do it," Spike said.

Xander came in and closed the door. He leaned against it, now looking more sad than concerned.

"Sorry, Spike. Are you going to be okay?"

Spike shrugged slightly. "I don't know. It's over."

"What's over?" Xander came over and sat on the end of the couch.

"Me and Buffy."

"Well...yeah. I know it's over," Xander furrowed his brow.

"No...I mean for good. I hoped that maybe...maybe she would come around. Or we could get out of our contracts and get the hell away from Lilah...Or Lilah would be killed in a bizarre boom mic accident."

Xander snorted, smiling weakly. "Yeah, that last one would be a real shame, God forbid. But why are you saying there's no hope now? What happened?"

Spike's jaw tensed, he blinked away tears. "She...said his name."

"Huh?"

"She said his name--Caleb's name--when I was kissing her and touching her."

"When? When you were doing the movie?"

"Yeah."

Xander blew out a breath. "Uh...It was...probably..."

"Don't try to make something up that won't make it as bad. There's nothing that could make that better. They must be together now...Bet they're shaggin' every night."

"You don't know that for sure."

"I don't need, or want, anymore proof. She wants Caleb? She can have him. I hope they're very, very happy together."

"Spike--"

"Even if we do figure a way out of this bloody situation, I don't want her back--Not now."

"You don't, huh?" Xander said, seeing right through Spike's glowering demeanor and tough talk.

Xander could tell--Spike still wanted her alright--He'd never stop wanting her. He was just fooling himself by saying otherwise. It was obvious that the poor guy was in enormous pain.

"Right. Don't want her. Callin' me 'Caleb'...I should be grateful that we weren't actually having sex when she said it, I suppose," he said, sounding completely devastated and hopeless.

Spike's temples throbbed. He was straddling the fence between crippling depression and anger. That tentative grasp on his sanity was slipping away.

Xander didn 't want to argue with his friend right now. He only put a hand on Spike's shoulder.

"This fucking sucks, Xan," Spike said pitifully.

"You said it, buddy," Xander agreed.

Spike sniffed, trying to keep the nancy boy tears from falling. "I'm going home. I don't even want to be in the same building as her right now."

Spike got up abruptly and went to fetch his duster coat. It made Spike even angrier that he couldn't blame Buffy for wanting to move on or seek comfort in the arms of someone else. After all, he'd hurt her; if she wanted to find solace with another man, she was entitled.

"I've got a scene to shoot, but I'll be home in a few hours," Xander said. "You want me to cut out too? I can get out of it."

"No, you stay and do your job. Think I'd rather be alone for a while anyway." Spike pulled on his coat and took out his cigarettes. He lit one up and inhaled deeply. "See you later," he said, leaving his dressing room.

Xander sighed, sinking back into the couch. He wanted Spike to tell Buffy the truth. This was crazy--The whole fucking thing was crazy. Because Spike was trying to spare Buffy some anxiety and pain, he was putting the four of them through hell. Cordelia would barely even look at him, and when she did, it was always accompanied with a 'Hmph!' and a flip of her hair. Perhaps he could get away with telling her the truth? If she promised not to say anything to Buffy? Cordy couldn't have meant the things she'd said--that Xander meant nothing to her, that he was just a good fuck. He hoped that she only said all the hurtful things because she was wounded too. If he told her the truth...Xander groaned and dropped his head back onto the couch. Spike would be really pissed if he found out though. Better to just wait a bit longer--see what happens.

The movie had gone on with Caleb 'filling in' for Spike.

Buffy knew it wasn't her best work. She was too preoccupied with her feelings for Spike to get totally into it. But the alcohol did help for her to deliver a convincing performance.

Caleb asked Buffy if he could drive her home. She accepted.

He was a nice guy. And if she had to date someone (to make Spike maybe think twice about choosing Lilah), she wouldn't mind it being him.

Spike sat in Warren's office, waiting for him to finish shooting the film. He had driven around town aimlessly for an hour before coming back to the studio. He'd been waiting for a few hours for Warren to finish filming, and was feeling restless.

He had arrived at a temporary solution--a stupid solution--for his problems. He knew it was a monumentally bad idea...But he couldn't handle it anymore. It was either this, or go out of his fucking skull.

Warren came in and stopped suddenly when he noticed Spike.

"What the hell are you doing in here!?" Warren yelled. "Thought you were sick?"

"Yeah, I'm sick alright. I need to talk to you."

Warren sighed, he'd been looking forward to having a little nose-candy in his office. He couldn't do that with someone else here. He crossed over to his desk and sat down on the edge.

"I don't like people in my office when I'm not here. Don't do it again. Understand?"

"Sorry...I wasn't thinking straight," Spike said miserably.

"So, talk." Warren crossed his arms over his chest.

Spike licked his lips and looked away. "I--uh--was wondering...if you had something...that...umm..."

"C'mon, Sparky! Spit it out! I'm a busy dude, I can't wait all night to finish your sentence."

Spike glared at him for a brief moment. "I was wondering if you knew of an y...drugs that might help deaden emotional pain. I'm going through...a tough time."

Spike had agonized over the possibility of asking Warren about drugs. It wasn't smart to get involved with that kind of stuff. Weed and a few beers were one thing, but they didn't quite do the job that he needed them to. Spike was so downtrodden and depressed after Buffy called him by another man's name--He needed something to help him deal with it. He just couldn't handle it on top of everything else that had happened.

Warren's eyebrows shot up over the tops of his dark sunglasses. "Drugs? Why would you think that I'd know about that?"

"Come on, Warren...I just figured that you might...have some connections."

"So...you're looking for a little mood elevator? A little 'pick-me-up'?"

"Yeah."

Warren thought about it. "I've got some good shit. Coke's really good. Keeps you flying high for a long time if it's high quality. Pills too. Listen, I'll be happy to help you out, but if you freak out and start fucking up, don't come crying to me. Moderation is the word, my friend."

Spike nodded.

"And don't utter a fucking word about where you got it, capiche?"

"Capiche. I won't tell anyone."

"Okay. If you take a liking to anything, I can set you up with my guy, so you can obtain it yourself."

Spike nodded again.

"Right, let's see what I've got in my mini-pharmacy, shall we?" Warren said, going to sit at his desk.

Spike was wired as he drove through the streets of Hollywood. Warren had hooked him up real nice. He had a few prescription pill bottles filled with pills: Uppers, downers, red ones and blue ones, etc. He also had a capped vial full of what Warren had called 'Peruvian Marching Powder'--Warren's favorite. They sampled a bit of it before he left the office.

A cocaine high was like nothing Spike had experienced before. He felt powerful and dynamic. His brain was swirling with a million thoughts, Buffy and his sadness were just a few thoughts in the din.

Spike laughed, he felt like going home and giving the entire house a good cleaning, from top to bottom. He had tons of energy, like he'd had a full night's rest, and then some. Maybe he could start writing that screenplay he'd meant to get to as well.

Feeling happier? Check.

Pain over Buffy receding? Check.

Thinking of engaging in activities that don't involve curling into a ball and weeping? Check.

More contented and feeling a mental boost, Spike whistled, driving back home.

Xander walked in the door to the booming of Spike's stereo.

"The fuck?" Xander said, going to Spike's bedroom to see what he was doing blasting the music so loud.

He pushed the door open to see Spike jumping on the bed in a pair of blue boxer-briefs, waving a red, white and blue feather duster in the air like a conductor's baton, and singing along with the song.

"But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
He's just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-

Bismillah! NO, we will not let you go-let him goooo-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go

Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go

No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!
Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for MEEEEE!"

Spike jumped off the bed, miming playing guitar with the feather duster and bopping his head.

Xander kept watching with raised eyebrows.

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?!
So you think you can love me and leave me to diiiie-uh!?
Ohhh baaaaby-can't do this to me baby!
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here!"

Spike looked up then to see Xander leaning against the door with a curious, but amused half-smile.

"Xan!" Spike rushed over to the stereo and turned the volume down. "When'd you get home, mate?"

Xander looked around the room. Spike had been doing heavy-duty cleaning. Spike's eyes and smile were big and bright--he seemed to have turned a corner in his depression. Xander envied him for that...but the last time he'd seen his friend, he'd looked downright suicidal. Something was up.

"You're in a good mood," Xander observed.

"Yeah! If you clean to music you can make it into a game! Just like Mary Poppins said!" Spike laughed and jumped back onto the bed.

"Everything...okay?" Xander asked. Seeing Spike smiling was great...but something was very off.

"Yeah! Everything's bloody fuckin' great! I was thinking, why don't we call Giles and have a boys' night out, eh? Go carousin' like the tomcats that we are." Spike waggled his eyebrows and curled his tongue up.

Xander still looked at him warily. "Giles is off with Anya, remember? He wouldn't want to step out on the town without her. And...I'm not ready for that, man."

"Oh." Spike frowned. "Yeah, you're right. It is soon."

"What put you in such a good mood?" Xander asked.

Spike sniffed and thought about what to say. The stuff he was taking might help Xander too, so he should offer him some. But Xander might get upset. Spike decided to go with a half-truth.

"Um, I got a little bit of a pick-me-up...some coke."

Xander's eyes bugged out. "Spike! What are you doing taking that shit!? Do you know what that can do to you?!"

"Take it easy, Xan! I just did a little bit. It really helped. But I take it you don't want any?"

"No! I don't want to get involved with that stuff. And you shouldn't either. Please, don't do it anymore."

Spike looked down. "Yeah...okay. I just...needed something. Wanted to feel good for a change. Especially after today..."

Xander went over and hugged him. "I know. I know what you mean. But that stuff is bad news. You're the smartest guy I know, Will. Too smart to get mixed up with that shit."

Spike sniffed again and broke the embrace, smiling subtly. "Don't worry 'bout me. I've got it covered. I‘ll steer clear of it from now on."

"Cool," Xander said, relieved. His friend had never lied to him before, so he was breathing easier with his promise. He looked around the room again. "What's with all the cleaning? We have a cleaning woman, you know?"

"Just felt like doin' something productive," Spike explained. "When's that hot, l'il number Maria comin' to clean next?" He curled his tongue up again, looking wolfish.

Xander's brow creased. "What's with the look? You plan on jumping her bones or something?"

Spike laughed and shrugged. "Maybe."

Xander didn't like coked-up Spike very much so far. Good thing Spike wasn't going to do it anymore.

"We had a talk about Maria when she first started working for us, remember? We agreed that she was off-limits."

Maria Ampata was a cleaning woman that they shared with a few of their fellow actors and Lilah. She did good work, was a friendly, very attractive woman, perhaps in her late 30's early 40's. She was also very married. Spike and Xander had agreed when they moved in that neither of them would ever hit on her. Messing up someone's marriage was just not cool.

"Oh yeah, I know. Just kiddin'!" Spike chuckled, moving past Xander to leave the bedroom. "Feel like a swim. How 'bout you?"

"I guess," Xander said.

Spike was even talking a little differently, more like the Spike 'character' instead of the real person. His manner of speaking was a little more working-class and staccato than normal. Xander hoped that the coke high would wear off soon. Spike was kinda spooky when he acted like this. He had a weird look in his eyes.

For his part, Spike was a little perturbed that Xander was harshing his buzz. Xander had to act like a git and talk about the ‘evils of drugs‘. Pah! Xander himself enjoyed smoking joints and drinking! That was hypocritical. If the drugs made Spike feel good, shouldn't Xander be happy that he was happy? Good thing he didn’t tell him about the happy pills too. Captain Purity would probably have another fit about that.

'He's just worried about you. And rightly so!' the voice that he dubbed 'That Great Tit William', said in his mind.

Spike rolled his eyes at his own intrusive thought. In spite of what he'd told Xander, he didn't intend on stopping taking anything that made him feel this good. Things were so much nicer this way: colors were brighter, sounds were clearer, everything was so beautiful. He felt a part of the universe, happy and alive.

And Spike found that, with a little effort and the aid of the drugs, he could subdue the weepy, whiny, sad William part of himself that was pining for Buffy and what he had lost. He was 'Spike the Pornstar'! Fuck that sad, depressed sack o' shit he'd been since the breakup! In pornstar mode, everything was copasetic--No problems, no sadness. His decisions consisted of where to party, who to party with and what great movies he was going to do next.

Spike would just have to try to hide it from Xander from now on. Don’t want him lecturing him every time he bloody turns around.

A while after getting home, Spike's high had worn off. He'd spent 15 minutes crying as the depression crashed back down on him. But a few more lines of coke had him soaring again. He would just have to 'refuel' every hour or so to keep the badness away.

Everything was back to being cool again.

Chapter 32 (Path A): Changes

Spike took a few days off from work. He was juiced and felt so euphoric, too good of a feeling to go into the studio. Instead, he went on a shopping spree. He felt that he deserved to treat himself.

Spike bought a black Jaguar XKR convertible with black leather interior, to have a faster and cooler alternative to the DeSoto. He needed a car befitting his star status. He got a sweet deal thanks to Wilkins' connections. He felt like a real star tooling around Hollywood with the top down and the wind rushing through his hair.

Whenever he stopped at a red light, people would stop and whistle, especially women. Spike would smirk and look at them over the tops of his black Ray-Bans before speeding off again.

He also bought some cool new clothes and jewelry. Wearing a thick-link, silver necklace, some silver rings, tight leather pants, a new pair of Docs, a royal-blue silk shirt and a new leather jacket. He looked like a player. Pimp-Daddy Spike. The new car, jewelry, shades and some new duds made him feel dynamic, more like the person he wanted to be. For the movie he was doing currently, he'd even gotten an eyebrow piercing: a metal barbell through his left, scarred brow. He'd do away with it after the filming, but it did look cool.

His coke use was increasing steadily. He needed to take more to achieve the great feeling that he'd had at first. Due to the huge amount he was doing, and the purity, he was completely hooked already, not that he noticed or cared. The pills were good too. Spike liked taking a few 'happy pills' to piggy-back the coke.

Of course, Xander noticed the weirdness. He commented on it, asking Spike if he was still doing the drugs. Spike assured him that he had everything under control. He was just trying to reinvent himself to deal with losing Buffy. Xander didn't really buy the explanation (he knew Spike had to still be doing the drugs) but he let it go, hoping that Spike would straighten himself out.

On his first day back at the studio, Spike came bearing gifts.

"Hey everyone!" He grinned, walking onto the main soundstage.

Jonathan and Andrew trailed behind him, each carrying five boxes of assorted Krispy Kreme donuts. They went to the buffet table and started setting them out.

"Hey, check out the piercing!" Faith grinned, at Spike's new eyebrow piercing.

Spike laughed. "It's for the movie today."

"You should totally keep it. So fucking hot! The tongue needs pierced too, then you'll be perfect!" Faith said.

"Uh-uh! No tongue piercings for me, pet."

"Hey, hot stuff, where you been the last few days?" Faith asked.

"Had some shit to do."

Willow took a cream-filled donut. "You're trying to kill me, aren't you? These things are soooo fattening!"

They laughed.

"You're waifish, Willow," Spike said. "I think you can afford to treat yourself."

Willow happily ate the yummy doughnut.

Others came over and enjoyed some too. Except for Buffy and Cordy.

Buffy eyed him curiously. Spike looked happy, ecstatic, even. Quite a difference from the last time she had seen him. It hurt her heart to see him happy when she was so sad. He seemed to have gotten over his unhappiness, and pretty damn quick.

Spike spotted Buffy across the room. The wrenching of his heart only lasted a moment. He quickly looked away from her.

Xander could never resist a Krispy Kreme. He snatched up a chocolate glazed. "What's with the generosity?"

Spike shrugged. "Just felt like doin' somethin' nice."

"Aww!" Tara said, lightly pushing on his shoulder. "You're even sweeter than this delicious powdered sugar donut."

"Oh, Xan," Spike said, "I talked to Mum this morning. She wants us to come home for Christmas, specially since we didn't go back for Thanksgiving. You up for it?"

"Yeah! That's cool. It'll be nice to see them again." A look of sadness passed over Xander's features. He remembered the last time they'd visited Sunnydale. Buffy and Cordy were still their girlfriends and all was right with the world.

"Come on, Cordy." Buffy pulled her friend along. "I need to get out of here."

Cordelia nodded and left with Buffy.

Spike noticed her leave, feeling immediately lighter with her gone. "I wanna get Mum somethin' really extravagant, you know? Like diamonds or fancy dresses--stuff she never had the money for. Maybe a fur coat!"

"No fur!" Willow said, her red brows slanting down. "Fur is murder. Those poor little animals, they--"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Alright, no furs. Let me stop you before you go into detail about the anal electrocutions of Minks."

Willow frowned. Spike was being kind of shitty, that wasn't like him.

Tara put an arm around Willow's waist. "She and I, are just passionate about animal rights issues."

"You're passionate about more than that...if I recall correctly." Spike sidled up to Willow, rubbing her back lightly. He raised and lowered his eyebrows suggestively. "How 'bout it? You 'n Tara wanna come over tonight? We can have fun like we used to."

"Um," Willow said nervously, "I don't think that's a good idea, Spike."

"Why not?"

"You and Buffy...You just broke up. She's our friend. It wouldn't be right," Willow explained.

"I was your friend before she was," he said, his eyes growing colder.

"I know, it's just...It would hurt her feelings."

"What about my bloody feelings!?" Spike said loudly. "Everyone's siding with her? That's just bloody beautiful!"

Willow blinked at the sudden change in him. "I...didn't mean anything by it, Spike. Of course you're my friend. I'm not taking sides."

"Has she been talking about me? What's she been goin' around sayin'?" Spike asked, his paranoia kicking in.

"Spike, take it easy, okay?" Xander said. "Don't get so bent out of shape."

"Spike-O!" Warren said, just arriving. "How ya doin', bud?"

Spike's face lit up when he saw the director, his demeanor changing instantly.

"Hey, Dubya!" Spike and Warren did a sliding handshake and embraced in a half-hug/back pat combo.

"You working today? No tummy aches or anything?" Warren asked.

Spike laughed. "I'm workin', don't worry 'bout it."

"Great. Walk with me, Spike. I want to discuss something about the movie with you before we start."

Spike fell into step with Warren and walked away with him.

Xander, Willow and Tara watched them leave with curious looks.

"When did they become friends? Did I miss something?" Tara asked.

"That was weird," Willow observed, her feelings a bit hurt at the way Spike had talked to her. "Why did he get like that with me?"

Xander tried not to show how concerned he was becoming. He smiled sadly. "Breakups can take a toll, you know? As for him and Warren being friends...I must have missed that too."

The source of the drugs Spike bought was no longer a mystery. Xander knew that it had to be Warren. He was going to have a chat with him ASAP.

Spike looked in the mirror, twisting his white-blonde hair into points.

Xander stood behind him, watching his preparations for the movie.

"Spike, you're still doing the drugs. I can tell. The way you snapped at Willow--that wasn't like you."

Spike sighed, picking up a tube of black eyeliner and carefully applying it. "Don't worry, Xan. I'm okay. The whole Buffy thing just gets me crazy."

"I wish I didn't worry. Warren's the one who gave you the stuff, isn't he?"

Spike glanced at him in the mirror. "It's only to help me get over this rough patch. I feel better already."

"You're not going to be on it when we're staying with your mom, are you?"

Spike turned to him. "I'm not going to be zonked out on anything when I'm visiting with Mum." Spike reached out and held Xander's hand. "I know you're worried 'bout me. And I appreciate it. But there's nothing to worry 'bout. 'kay?"

Xander wanted to believe that, he really did. "You told me you weren't going to do that shit anymore the other day...yet, here you are."

Spike smiled slightly. "It's only for a bit longer, Xan. I don't even use that much," he said, lying his ass off.

Xander sighed, then nodded. He had to trust Spike, in spite of the fact that he'd already lied to him once. "Okay...I don't want to see anything bad happen to you, that's all."

"I know." Spike gave him a full smile, stood up and hugged him. "Help me get ready for the flick, eh?"

Xander smiled back. "I'll help you with the safety pins."

For their next film, the studio acquired a set that looked like the inside of a New York City subway car and part of a platform. Stagehands stood by, ready to shake the car to make it look like it was moving. They'd also have the sounds and flickering lights associated with subway travel. Spike thought the whole thing looked pretty authentic, except for how clean the floor was. A real subway car's floor would be fairly disgusting and littered with filth. But in the interests of having the actors naked and barefoot, the floor was clean.

He schmoozed with and said hello to his new co-star, Nikki. She was a hot black woman with a curvaceous figure. Nikki had heard enough (and seen enough) of Spike's work to be very excited to work with him. She had a thing for pretty white boys who also happened to have a boa constrictor in their pants. She couldn't wait to see it and feel it for herself.

The premise of this cinematic landmark was this: Various couples screwing on the subway through different periods of time: the 70's, 80's, 90's and the present.

Spike and Nikki, were up first. He was playing a punk rocker, circa 1978. She was playing a Foxy Brown-like woman, complete with a big, fake afro.

Subway Series

Starring: Spike, Nikki, Buffy Winters, Harmony Kendall, Glory, Anya Jenkins, Graham Hardman, Robin Wood, Holden Webster

New York City, 1978--12:31 A.M.

There were a few people scattered throughout the subway car. It was late, not many people rode the rails at this hour. The people made a point not to look directly at each other, hoping one of their fellow passengers wouldn't start harassing them.

Two passengers did keep glancing at each other though.

Spike was a punk. His hair was bleached and standing up in points on his head; his eyes were lined with black, he wore a black vest with safety pins stuck all over it; a black belt with the buckle off to the side; faded and ripped blue jeans and big, clunky combat boots. He had on a lot of rings and a few silver necklaces: a pair of dog-tags and a small padlock. A metal barbell piercing split his left eyebrow.

He looked dangerous, like he was liable to hit you over the head and steal your wallet at any second.

Nikki was a hip, strong black woman. Her hair was a stylish, full afro; she wore brown, high-heeled boots; tight, black pants with lacing up the sides; dark brown, leather belt; brown, low-cut shirt; long, leather coat [much like the duster that Spike, the actor, owned].

They were two completely different types of people who found themselves appreciating the other's form.

Nikki stood in spite of the fact that there were plenty of seats available. She held onto one of the metal poles that ran from floor to ceiling. Her eyes kept darting back to the hot-looking young punk.

Spike was standing too, holding a pole loosely in his hand. He was less shy about looking at her. She kept and held his gaze, daring him to look away first.

He didn't turn away this time. He let his eyes drag up and down over her, letting her see his obvious interest. His eyes returned back to hers, he smirked, his tongue poking out and curving to touch his upper lip.

A small smile lifted Nikki's full lips. She appraised him with her eyes openly now, her smile grew wider in appreciation. She licked her lips and moved her hand slowly up and down the metal pole.

Spike's smirk broadened, liking that she was teasing him right back.

The train stopped and the doors opened. A few of the passengers exited through the doors, leaving just one person besides the horny man and woman. [Jonathan was happy to have another onscreen role, 'Male Passenger #1']

Spike looked at the man, frowning. If he could just get rid of that little guy...

The train started on it's way again. The two of them continued to stare at the other, getting progressively more provocative using their eyes, lips and hands.

Spike unbuttoned his vest slowly using one hand. Nikki's eyes were focused on his muscled chest. When the vest was undone, he put a hand on his washboard abs and moved it down to hook a thumb in his belt. Nikki re-wet her lips, plainly liking what she saw. She removed her leather coat, tossing it onto the seat behind her. She moved and hand down over the side of her breast, down her side to her hip and massaged her ass cheek.

Spike unbuckled his belt, one-handed. His hand moved down over the rising bulge in the front of his jeans. Nikki's eyes moved with his hand. Her eyes widened for a moment, seeing how extensive his bulge was becoming. She grinned and winked at him, loosening her own belt.

At the next stop, Nikki went to the last remaining passenger and whispered to him.

"You see that rough lookin' dude over there?" She gestured toward Spike with a jerk of her head.

"Y-Yeah...what about him?" Jonathan asked.

"I think he intends to do you some bodily harm. Looks like he's sizin' you up."

Jonathan gulped. "Really?" he squeaked, noticing that Spike's vest was open and his belt undone.

Spike tilted his head and frowned slightly, wondering what she was saying to the guy. It was something about him, that was for sure.

Nikki nodded. "Mmm-hmm. I suggest you get off at the next stop. I'll keep him busy."

"B-But what about you? Aren't you afraid of him?"

"Nah, don't worry about me, baby. I can handle him."

As soon as the train stopped, Jonathan made a beeline for the doors, practically running onto the platform and away from danger.

Spike chuckled watching the little man run off. "What was that about, luv? Scare 'im?"

Nikki smiled. "Told him you were bad news and he'd better haul ass before you mugged him...or worse."

Spike laughed, raising an eyebrow. "Hmm, you ain't afraid of what I could do to you?"

Nikki walked to him, switching her hips. "Uh-uh. I'm real curious about what you could do to me." She stopped one pole's length away from him, running her hands up and down the cool metal.

Spike shrugged his shoulders, causing his vest to slip down his arms. He caught it and tossed it onto a seat. "How 'bout you come over here and I'll show you what I'm capable of," he said leering at her lasciviously.

Nikki went willingly over to him. They threw their arms around each other as soon as they were within grabbing distance. The mashed their lips together, kissing intensely. Their hands groped and dragged over the other's body. Spike pulled her shirt up over her head [being careful not to pull her wig off]. Nikki wasn't wearing a bra. Her firm, chocolate brown breasts bounced with the movements of their bodies and the subway car.

Spike kneaded her rounded ass and a tit with his hands. He dropped his mouth to take a dark nipple into his mouth; sucking and licking it.

Nikki groaned and scratched at his upper back. "Mmmm, yeah, baby! Suck my tits--Ohhh!"

Spike lavished both of her tits with sucks and licks, his saliva making them shine. He went down on one knee in front of her, unzipping her pants then tugging them down over her hips. When her trimmed, dark bush was revealed, he grinned then looked up into her eyes.

"Pretty pussy."

He kissed her mound, moving to the top of her slit. He gave it an open-mouthed kiss, sliding his tongue inside. She was already creaming, the tops of her thighs were wet with her desire. Spike licked at the juice that had ran onto her inner thighs.

"Ohhhh fuck," Nikki moaned, closing her eyes and gripping the pole next to her. "Get these fucking pants off me!"

Spike guided her backwards so that she could sit on a seat. He quickly pulled her boots off, and then her pants and underwear. Nikki leaned back, raising and parting her legs, resting her heels on the edge of the seat.

"I wanna see what my legs look like wrapped around your head," she said.

Spike smirked and chuckled. He kneeled in front of her, took a hold of her thighs and buried his face in her pussy.

"Oooh! Mmmm! Lick me!" she yelled, moving her legs over his shoulders.

Spike lapped at her pussy lips then parted them, digging his tongue into her pink wetness. Nikki yelled as he munched on her sensitive pussy.

"Ohh fuck yeah! Eat my fuckin' pussy! Ohhh yeah!"

He alternated between licking, sucking and shaking his head, whipping her into a lusty frenzy. Spike rubbed her hard clit with his thumb and slid a finger into her hole.

"Ahhhh!" Nikki thrust her hips at him. "Shit! I'm gonna cum!"

Spike moved his finger in and out of her. He lifted his head. "What if someone gets on at the next stop?"

"Then--Ahhh!--I hope they enjoy the show!" Nikki growled, pushing the back of his head back down.

Spike tongued her clit and fucked his fingers into her until she screamed with pleasure.

"AHHH--YES--Ohhh FUCK!"

Her hips bucked, her juices overflowed from her pussy like a dam bursting. Spike played with her clit and soaked up her juice with his tongue while she moaned in ecstasy. She petted his blonde hair as she recovered.

"Stand up. I want to see that sweet thing you got in your pants."

Spike smirked, gave her pussy a few more licks, removed her legs from his shoulders and stood up. Nikki put her feet on the floor and sat up, her hands unzipping his jeans. She pulled them down to his knees and stared at his hardening member, awestruck for a few moments. Then she smiled and looked up at his smirking face.

"Like what you see, luv?" he asked.

"Oh, yes! That's a BIG YES! Goddamn, boy! This is the biggest cock I ever seen!" Nikki put her hands around it, stroking it lightly and examining it. "Shit, it's gorgeous!"

Spike put his hands on the metal bar above his head to steady himself. "You gonna look all day?" he asked raising his eyebrow.

She laughed and shook her head. "Oh, I got plans for this thing! I can't wait for you to fuck me with it. Just let me have a little taste first."

Nikki licked down the length of his cock. She held it up and wriggled her tongue up and down the underside. Spike groaned, gripping the bar in his hands. She circled the head with her tongue, then swallowed it up, sucking and rubbing her tongue on the glans.

"Uhhh yeah--Suck my cock!--Ahhh!"

Nikki held his balls in one hand while pumping his shaft with the other. They looked at each other as she blew him. She moaned and let him slip out of her mouth.

"Mmmm--Damn, you taste so fucking good!" she exclaimed. "I could go down on you all night, but I need to get fucked with this beautiful piece of white meat."

"How you want it, pet?" Spike asked huskily.

She released him, turned around and kneeled on the seat, spreading her thighs invitingly. Spike moved up against her. His hands rested on her curvy hips. In one swift movement, he plunged his cock into her dripping pussy.

"OH FUCK!" Nikki cried out, clutching the back of the seat.

Spike swiveled his hips, grinding more of his king-sized dick into her depths. She moaned and trembled, her mouth hung open.

"Yeah! Oh fuck yeah! Jam it up my cunt! Get it all in there!"

He sank in until he was against her body. Spike was impressed that all of him fit inside without too much effort. He began sliding his cock in and out of her body.

"Fuck me hard! Ohhh yeah! Fuck me with that big, white cock!"

Spike bared his teeth, pounding her pussy, fast and furious. Nikki yelled and groaned, slamming herself back at him. He put one foot up on the seat next to her and reached around to grab one of her bouncing breasts, continuing to pump hard and fast.

"JESUS--UUNNGGHHH!" Nikki screamed, cumming on his cock.

Warren was happy. Spike's reticence and inability to perform was obviously no longer a problem. Thanks to the coke, Spike was back in form. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Faith watched, licking her lips and wishing that she could join them. She couldn't wait to be able to get with Spike again off-screen.

Buffy had a scene to shoot today too. She was trying to ignore the subway scene going on across the soundstage, but Nikki's exclamations of pleasure were impossible to tune out. It sounded like Spike was giving it to her good. She imagined Spike naked and humping for all he was worth--he was so beautiful when he was 'in the zone'. So passionate. So focused on giving and receiving pleasure.

Buffy closed her eyes, holding in a sob at everything that had happened. She missed him. Not just the sex. She missed the connection she had thought they had. She had never felt so close to another human being. That was gone now...unless he told Lilah to go to Hell. Which it didn't appear he was going to do anytime soon.

The twosome changed position. Nikki was facing him, her legs wrapped around his waist, holding onto the metal bar above their heads. Spike held her up in the air, his arms under her thighs, his hands gripped her ass. They both watched her pussy receive his meat package.

"Ahhh yeah--Fuck--Damn, that's a big cock!" Nikki panted with a grin.

"Like it?" Spike asked.

"Ohhh yeah! I love it! Uhhh--FUCK ME!"

Her cum squished around his pistoning rod. Nikki was like a wildwoman, pumping herself up and down, yelling and moaning. It rarely happened to her, but she had a purely vaginal orgasm--no clit or other kind of stimulation necessary. Her G-spot was never ravaged like this before. With every hard stroke of his cock, a series of inner-quakes shook her body. Getting with Spike again (on or off-screen) was a must.

Nikki hung her head back, letting out a rough shout, "F-FUCK! Y-YYESSSSS!"

Spike grinned. He liked how vocal she was, and so bloody responsive! This was the life: fucking beautiful women and making them scream. He had the best job in the world.

They changed position again, this time with Spike laying on his back on the (suspiciously clean) floor of the car, and Nikki straddling him. She wildly rode him in Cowgirl position. Their bodies were covered with beads of sweat. Spike fondled her tits as she bounced on him.

"Uhhh--Before you cum, you want to fuck my ass?" Nikki asked.

"You really need to ask?" He smirked.

Nikki got back up on her knees on a seat, pushing her ass up and out. Spike stood behind her. He pumped his fingers in her pussy, getting them coated with her love juice. She came a lot for a woman. He scooped up a large dollop of her cum and proceeded to rub it around and then in her anus. Spike was dubious that he could fit in there, but he was game to try.

"Come on--Split my ass, baby!" she said. Nikki loved taking it up the ass. The bigger the cock, the better.

Spike worked his slippery fingers into her asshole. Nikki moaned and rubbed her clit while he got her ready for his cock. He surprised her by driving his cock back inside of her pussy and stabbing at her a few times. Then he pulled out and poised his fat, slick cock at her ass.

Spike worked his hard dick into her tight hole, bit by bit. Nikki groaned, parting her legs further and urging him on to keep going. Before long, he was bending over her back and sliding his meat vigorously inside of her. Nikki went wild again, screaming, humping and thrashing beneath him.

"Oh yeah! Fuck my ass, baby! OH FUCK YES! FUCK IT!"

Spike slammed his dick home over and over again, smacking her ass with his balls with each forceful thrust. He reached around and rubbed her clit when he felt her ass muscles tightening up.

"AHHHHH--FUCKKKKKKK!" Nikki's body spasmed, her cum ran out of her pussy. Now she really wanted to taste his jiz. She enjoyed doing ass-to-mouth scenes, she didn't mind tasting herself on a guy.

"Ahhh--I'm cumming!" Spike said, pulling out of her.

He slapped her ass with his cock. Nikki turned around in the seat, took his cock in her hands and jacked him. She lapped at and sucked the streaming tip of his cock. Spike put his hands on her shoulders, his hips pumping.

"Unnngh!" Spike grunted.

Nikki's face was soon splattered with his hot spunk. She moaned, licking and sucking on his squirting cock.

"Mmmm--You taste so fuckin' good, baby! Yeah! Gimme all that delicious cream!"

She pumped his cock and swallowed his thick, milky fluid greedily. She moved a hand around to his tight ass, squeezing and pulling him closer to her.

Spike gulped in air and fucked his hips at her until he ran dry.

The two of them had made quite a mess of the subway car: the seats where they had screwed were wet with their combined fluids; the floor had a few hazardous wet spots as well.

Cut to the next stop -- Spike and Nikki are fully dressed again and cleaned up. They step out of the train onto the platform

"I'll probably be riding the train tomorrow 'round the same time," Spike said with a twinkle in his eye and a slanted smile.

"Is that so?" Nikki smiled slyly. "Well, I just might...see you again then."

With a wink and a nod to each other, the unlikely, impromptu lovers walked in different directions.

"And...CUT! Excellent!" Warren said. "Terrific work you two."

The crew whistled and applauded.

Spike and Nikki walked back to each other, giving the other a hug and whispering how good it was.

Nikki groped his ass, and flicked his earlobe with her tongue. "I'll give you my number before I leave today. I usually only do ebony movies, but I could get used to white boys if they were all like you."

Spike laughed, giving her a pat. "Thanks, luv. I'll definitely give you a call."

"You better!" she said with a pinch to his butt.

"Okay, people," Warren said. "We're taking a 15 minute break. Glory and Holden are up next. Get the set ready for the 1980's."

Warren strode off, heading for his office. Jonathan and Andrew followed him, as usual. Spike followed them too, hoping to get in on what Warren was going to do to pass the time.

Spike reclined in his dressing room, smoking a joint with Xander.

"That Nikki's hot, a real hose master," he laughed. "And does she ever love the anal stuff! Gave me her phone number."

"Yeah?" Xander asked.

Spike nodded. "I'm gonna call her soon, I think."

"So...you're just moving on then? Just like that?"

Spike shrugged and took a long drag. "Yeah, why not? 'm not going to spend all my time bein' bloody miserable when I can be livin' it up. You should get back in the game too, mate."

"Get back in the game?" Xander said incredulously. "Spike, we just broke up with the women that we love. I'm not ready to move on. I'm still hoping that we can do something to get them back."

"'m happier this way," Spike said. "Carefree. Free to do whoever and whatever I like."

Xander shook his head, looking doubtful. "You don't mean that, man. I know how much you love Buffy."

Spike was annoyed. Xander was trying to chip away at the facade that he'd constructed. The pretense that Buffy was in the past and that he didn't love her anymore. He could feel those nancy boy feelings welling up again inside of him.

"Just...leave it, Xan." Spike decided to try a different tack. There was truth to what he was about to say, but mostly Spike just wanted to shut his friend up. He continued in a softer voice, "It's hard, you know? I'm doing the best I can without her right now...If I don't at least pretend to be strong and unconcerned, I'll bloody crumble. The whole Caleb thing really got to me. Leave me with the illusion that I'm doin' alright, okay?"

Xander sighed and put his head down. "Yeah...okay."

Spike smiled and squeezed Xander's knee. "How 'bout some Scotch?"

"None for me. You shouldn't either. You have to drive home."

Spike stopped himself from rolling his eyes at Xander. His friend was really starting to become a drag. "Yeah, you're right, mate. Think I'll head home then."

Xander sat watching tv in the living room while Spike went on another cleaning binge.

He could hear him in his bedroom, singing and jumping around. Xander was getting really worried about the drastic changes in Spike's behavior. He heard Spike's cell phone ring and Spike answer it.

A few minutes later Spike tore into the living room, looking very pissed off.

"Had a chat with Warren, did you?" Spike asked accusingly.

Xander swallowed hard and sat up on the couch. He had indeed spoken to Warren earlier that day, telling him that he'd better stop supplying Spike with drugs.

"Yeah...I did."

"Where the bloody hell do you get off!" Spike asked, his face red with anger, spit flew from his lips. "It's my fucking life! I'm not a child--You're not in charge of me! How could you embarrass me like that!?"

Xander was shocked at how mad Spike was. He knew that he wouldn't be happy, but he hadn't expected him to explode like this.

"Y-You're still doing that stuff after you said you'd quit. You promised me that you'd quit. I'm worried about you, Will. You've changed so much in just over a week! That shit can kill you, man!"

"FUCK OFF! From now on, you stay the fuck OUT of my business!" Spike yelled, then spun around.

He went back to his room and slammed the door shut. Xander winced at the sound.

A few hours later, Spike sought Xander out in his bedroom. He knocked lightly on the open door.

"Hey," Spike said quietly.

Xander looked over at him. "Hey," he said uncertainly, not knowing what to expect.

"Can I come in?"

Xander shrugged lightly. "If you want."

Spike came in and sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry for...being like that with you. I'm sorry I yelled."

Xander glanced at him. "Kind of shocked me there. You never talked to me like that."

"I know. I lost it. Warren was...he made me...I felt like an idiot. Havin' my best mate, going to him like my mum might, and saying, 'Stay away from Spike. You can't play with him anymore.' I felt like a fool. And you know that Warren never holds back when he thinks something is amusing."

"I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I was just scared for you. I thought...you know...Warren's giving you that shit, I got upset. You promised that you were quitting, but you're still doing it. You aren't addicted this quick, are you?"
"No. No, I'm not addicted. I just use a little bit," Spike said, lying again with an easy smile. He couldn't tell Xander how much he was using--how much he needed to get by. "I'll be alright, mate. I'm just trying to adjust. You don't think you can trust me?"

Xander looked at him, wanting to say, 'No, I can't trust you.' But instead, he said, "I trust you. I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I just...If something happened to you because I didn't do anything..."

"I'm okay, Xan. I promise. I'm having a hard time right now, but I'm a big boy, I can handle myself. I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out."

Spike kissed Xander softly. A muscle in his jaw ticced. Xander touched Spike's cheek, brushing his fingertips over his face. The muscle twitched again.

"You okay?" Xander asked.

Spike smiled, holding Xander's hand. "Yeah. Just a little muscle spasm. Lots of stress does that." (So does a lot of coke)

Xander nodded, not convinced. "You should stop palling around with Warren. He's not a nice guy. God knows how Jonathan and Andrew can be friends with him."

"It's not a bad idea to get chummy with our main director. I don't really like Warren, ya know? Andrew and Jonathan are good blokes, but Warren gives one a skin crawling sensation."

Xander laughed, "Yeah, that's true. But--"

Spike kissed him again, cutting of his sentence. "You want to talk all night?" He smirked.

"You want to get in bed?" Xander asked.

Spike laid down on his side next to Xander. He put his hand on the back of Xander's neck and drew him in. "Let me make up for being a jerk before."

Xander kissed him back, craving the intimacy.

They had slow, languorous sex. They both needed the comfort of the other's body. Afterwards, they curled up to get some sleep. Spike was just drifting off when he heard something.

"Spiiiiike." The word was a whisper.

Spike sat bolt upright. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Xander asked.

"Someone called my name...a woman."

"There's nobody else here, Spike. That happens sometimes. People hear shit when they're half asleep, like dream fragments or something," Xander said sleepily.

"Yeah...You're probably right..." Spike said warily. He laid back down, trying to ignore the feeling of unease.

The woman had sounded familiar, but he couldn't place it from just that one, whispered word. Well, it was just his imagination anyway. He must have been starting to dream or something.

Spike didn't realize that he was beginning to experience another side effect of doing large, frequent doses of cocaine: Hallucinations.

The next morning, Xander was making breakfast in the kitchen. He went to throw away some paper towels in the bin when he noticed something bulky in the garbage.

It was the Shakespeare book that Buffy had bought for Spike for his birthday.

Xander took it out and brushed it off. It didn't appear to be damaged or soiled. What was it doing in the garbage?

Xander went to Spike's bedroom and knocked. "Spike?"

"Hmmm?" Spike mumbled, half asleep.

"Spike, what was your book doing in the garbage?" Xander asked.

"Threw it away...Don't want it. Don't want anything of hers." Spike turned away on his side.

"Spike...you love this book. It was a gift, an expensive gift."

"Don't want it."

"Buffy wanted you to have this. And I know how happy you were when--"

Spike turned back to him, looking irritated. "Look, I don't want the bloody thing in my house! I don't want reminders layin' around."

"What happens if we do figure out a way to get Buffy and Cordy back? You'll regret throwing it away."

Spike growled. "That ain't gonna happen, Xander. She wants Caleb now, remember? Get it out of my sight."

Xander looked at him for a few moments. "Fine. I'll get rid of it."

"Thank you," Spike sighed wearily, dropping back down onto the bed and rolling over.

Xander took the book back to his bedroom and put it in the back of his closet. He knew that someday Spike would hate himself for throwing out the book, so he would keep it safe for him.

{A/N: I did some research on the effects of cocaine addiction for Spike's experiences and behavior in the following chapters. I realize that the addiction and side effects are accelerated in the fic, than what occurs normally, but it was good for the storyline to step things up a bit. Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Also, I am aware that ass-to-mouth stuff is very unsanitary. It happens in pornos though. I wouldn't include it in one of my normal love scenes. But hey, it was a hardcore porno film *g*}

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