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Out of Africa

by spikeNdru

Genre: Gen; Action/Adventure

Pairings: Xander and Ensemble; no pairings yet.

Rating: PG-13

Timeline: Two years post-Chosen

 

Disclaimers: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and 20th Century Fox; they aren't currently using

them so I'm borrowing them for awhile.

 

Chapter   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9  10  11  12  13  14  15  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25

26   27   28   29   30

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Chapter Sixteen

Harmony wrinkled her nose. There was a look of puzzlement on her face. “But Lorney Tunes—you're good at this. This is what you do. I don't understand why you won't help when it's something you're really, really good at!”

Lorne sighed. “Past tense, crumpet. I used to be good at it. That last year at Wolfram and Hart? Most of the readings I did were spectacular failures. I just don't have it in me anymore.”

“Well, duh! Wolfram and Hart? Evil energy? That just wasn't your . . .” Harmony snapped her fingers. “What's that word I'm looking for?”

“Milieu?” Lorne suggested.

“I don't think so. I don't have a clue what that means, so it's probably not the word I'm looking for.”

Giles provided the definition. “It means, environment or social setting in which one feels comfortable. Lorne's natural habitat, so to speak.”

“Oh! Okay. How do you say it again?”

Dawn whispered to Xander. “Did he call her a strumpet?”

“A what now?”

Faith whispered back. “Nah. He called her a crumpet. It's probably some kind of cake. Lorne's big with the pastry nicknames.”

“Yeah? What does he call you?” Xander really wanted to know.

“If I told you, then I'd have to kill you.”

“Alrighty, then. We will speak of it no more.”

Harmony took one of Lorne's large hands between both of hers. She patted the back of his hand.

“Lorne? Hello? Anyway, what I was trying to say is that maybe you feel so crappy because you cut yourself off from everything you care about. You love helping people. You love singing. And if you were in a place that didn't have years and years of evil energy zinging around interfering with your brain and making things go all wonky, I bet you'd do a super job and really be able to help.”

“I don't know, Harmonica . . .”

“Just repeat after me: I'm strong and I'm beautiful and I don't need a man to complete me!” Harmony beamed at Lorne.

“And you think that will help?”

“Well, maybe not that exactly, 'cause that one's mine, and maybe you should have one of your own. Wait a minute. Let me think . . . Okay, try this: I'm strong and I'm talented and I can help people when they sing. Say it!”

“I'm-strong-and-I'm-talented-and-I-can-help-people-when-they-sing.”

“Lorne! You have to say it like you mean it, or it won't work! Now, go practice! And don't come back until you believe it. Shoo!”

Harmony shooed Lorne into Xander's bedroom and then looked around the room with a bright smile. “So . . . does anyone want to call out for pizza while we're waiting?”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Um . . . the Holiday Inn has Karaoke Thursday nights,” Connor suggested. “Maybe they'd let us rent the room for an hour or so this afternoon?”

“I'm on it,” Xander said, as he went to look for the phone book. He came back shortly. “They finish setting up at 2:00, so we can have the room from 2:30 till 3:30. We have to be out before 4:00, 'cause that's when Happy Hour starts. And how come they call it Happy Hour when it lasts from 4:00-6:00? That's two hours. Shouldn't it be called Happy Hours? Oh, and Giles—I charged the deposit to the Council, okay?”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“You want me to what?” Lorne exclaimed in horror. He clapped both hands to the sides of his face and his mouth opened in shock.

Xander snickered and then clapped his hand over his mouth when he realized what he'd done. He couldn't help it—Lorne looked exactly like the Home Alone kid. Well, except for the green skin, red eyes and horns. But otherwise? Separated at birth.

“No, no, no, no, no . . .” Lorne's voice trailed off into a moan and he dropped his head as his hands covered his face. His whole body shook with terror.

Harmony patted his shoulder. “You can do it, Lorney Tunes! I have faith in you.”

“Me too,” said Faith.

“Faith in Lorne? Now that's just disturbing,” Xander muttered.

Dawn punched him on the upper arm.

Xander shut up.

“You people can't seriously expect me to make life and death decisions like that? I don't want the responsibility! What if I was wrong? I could be sending someone to their death on my say-so. I won't do it! You can't ask me to! I knew there was a reason I retired!”

“We're not asking you to make the decision, exactly,” Willow soothed. “We've already done that. We're all committed. All we want you to do is tell us which ones of the already-committed-to-go would have the best chance of completing the mission. Otherwise, we're all just gonna go anyway. But if you can read us and tell us which ones would be the most useful . . . the ones with, um, different destinies can stay behind and not get in the way, okay?”

“And just how did I get involved in all this, again?”

“It was sort of a team effort,” Dawn explained. “Faith and Connor didn't think you should be alone, so they brought you back with them. In the meantime, the seer of Willow's coven told us Faith would help you get back on track, but that Harmony would really make the difference, so you were supposed to stay with her.”

“See!” Harmony demanded as she put her hands on her hips and frowned at Lorne. “I told you so! I'm supposed to help you so you have to listen to me!”

Xander muttered, “And can we even count all the ways that could go wrong?”

“Shut up, Xander,” Harmony said. She glared at him and added, “Vampire hearing—duh!”

Dawn broke in before the grade school sniping that seemed to characterize the majority of Xander/Harmony interactions could escalate. “And then Giles' friend Bernie said you were supposed to read us to see which ones should go.”

“How do you know he meant me?” Lorne protested. “He could have been talking about some other Lorne. Lorne Michaels, Lorne Greene, Lorne—”

“Bernard specifically said 'Krevlorneswath of the Deathwok Clan',” Giles interjected dryly. “I'm fairly certain that he meant you.”

Lorne sighed. “You've got me there. What exactly is it that you want me to do?”

Harmony, Faith, Willow, Dawn and Xander all began to talk at once. Lorne drew a finger across his throat and then pointed it at Giles.

“Yes, well, we each sing, and then at the conclusion of the exercise, you tell us whom should be included in the rescue party actually going to Quor-Toth, and whose talents would be better utilized by remaining behind to provide back-up.”

“And we only have the karaoke machine for an hour, so we should probably get going,” Xander concluded.

~*~*~*~*~*~

As the only professional singer of the lot—he had, after all, been paid for his gig at the Espresso Pump—Giles hoped he could cut down on the bickering by volunteering to go first. The others were busy looking over the menu of available songs as they made their selections. Willow had already requested that Giles sing Behind Blue Eyes, so his decision was made.

Xander chuckled as he remembered how creeped out he'd been that a grown-up like Giles actually had a gig, and that the girls had thought Giles' singing was hot. They had all been so young then—and Giles had seemed so old. Now Giles seemed more like a . . . contemporary.

Giles completed his turn and everyone clapped. Unfortunately, he was a hard act to follow, and no one wanted to go next. Finally, Harmony raised her hand in a gesture reminiscent of high school. She looked like she was waiting to be called upon in class. Harmony performed a peppy rendition of The Bangles' Manic Monday that was a good match for her personality.

Connor and Faith had previously been given their orders by Lorne—if official, non-drunken singing in his presence was ever necessary—and neither was willing to push their luck now that Lorne had apparently agreed to this reading. Faith gave an authentically snarling performance of I Love Rock and Roll and Connor chose the Willie Nelson/Kid Rock duet, Last Stand in Open Country. By this time, Lorne was in the spirit of things, and he joined Connor on stage to sing the Willie Nelson parts.

Xander felt panicked. He still hadn't decided what to sing. He tried desperately to remember what selections were available, but he'd somehow gotten Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons' Dawn stuck in his head and he'd die a slow and painful death before he'd sing that.

Oh god, oh god, oh god—what am I gonna do? He felt the panic escalating. Dawn had been casting concerned glances at him out of the corners of her eyes. She's picking up that something's wrong! Oh god, oh god, I'm losing it! Xander began to hyperventilate. His mind was a complete blank.

Willow, who had many good qualities although singing wasn't one of them, had gotten through Stevie Nicks' Rhiannon in fits and starts, and Xander and Dawn were the only ones left. Dawn wrapped her arm around Xander's waist and gave him a quick hug. With a twinkle in her eye, she launched into a purposely nasal rendition of Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag that caused Xander to laugh out loud.

He felt himself relax. I can do this, he thought. Thanks to Dawn. Country had always been his music—the Music of Pain—but he suddenly felt no pain. He took a deep breath, marched over to the karaoke machine, made his selection, and rocked out to Keith Urban's Days Go By for all he was worth.

Lorne sat back and closed his eyes as he gathered his thoughts. It had been hours since he'd had a drink to dull the pain, and the myriad impressions he'd obtained from the impromptu concert were coalescing into a crystalline clarity that he hadn't felt since. . . Since before Wolfram and Hart extracted the information about the Beast from my head, he realized. Giles' friend had apparently been right when he suggested Lorne wait to do the individual readings until he heard everyone sing. If he'd tried to do them one at a time, he had a sneaking suspicion he'd have chickened out long before the group had finished.

Lorne's eyes flew open and he stared at Connor. “You're Angel's son! And you've actually been to Quar-Toth! This really is your last stand in open country, isn't it Buckaroo? Last chance to be with . . . your father.” Lorne couldn't take time to process that startling information yet; he couldn't afford to get side-tracked. But that was one doozy of a discovery!

Lorne returned to the business at hand. “Connor's in charge of the mission—anyone have any problems with that? No? Good. Faith, you're Second in Command. Witchie Poo here is in—but not by your lonesome. I see a partner for you. This is a two-woman job.”

The Scoobies looked at each other in consternation. What did Lorne mean by that? None of them had any magical aptitude, with the possible exception of Giles, but Lorne had said two women.

Lorne briefly closed his eyes again, and then looked directly at Willow. “If you know anyone named Althenea, you might want to get her here pronto.”

“Bloody hell!” Giles exclaimed.

Lorne ignored the interruption. “Aragorn and Arwen—” he indicated Xander and Dawn. “Both of you are in. Harmonica and Ripper—you're on this side of the Great Divide. There's a good chance that when the rescue party goes in to the Quor-Toth, something nasty could find its way out. A spell caster and a superhero might be needed here to protect those of us who have already done our jobs. Speaking of being done—we're done. And now I'm gonna mosey on over and take advantage of those two-for-one drinks at Happy Hour. Anyone wants to join me, I'll be in the bar.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Giles offered to treat everyone to an early dinner in the hotel's dining room. His offer was greeted with enthusiastic agreement. The group had a lot to discuss, especially the results of the karaoke reading, but there was an unspoken agreement to table the discussion until after dinner. The potential to just relax and have a good meal after all the 'performance anxiety' stress was welcomed wholeheartedly.

“I believe I'll join Lorne in the bar first,” Giles stated. “The past few days have been rather hectic, and a good single malt would not be amiss before dinner.”

Karaoke enthusiasts were beginning to trickle into the room, so the Scoobies vacated the area. Giles joined Lorne in the dark bar, while the rest of the group chose the adjacent lounge, with its comfortable couches and easy chairs. Connor immediately helped himself to some of the complimentary hors d'oeuvres that were being set up on a buffet table against the wall.

Faith and Connor blanched when a server came to take their drink orders. Faith ordered a Virgin Maria—a Virgin Mary made with Tabasco instead of Worcestershire sauce. Connor and Dawn decided that was exactly what they each wanted, too. Harmony asked for a Cosmopolitan, Willow ordered a Fuzzy Navel, and Xander stuck with his usual beer. They were on their second round of drinks when Giles and Lorne finally appeared.

“The hostess informs me that our table is ready,” Giles said.

“Whoo hoo! Let's eat!” Xander exclaimed.

He'd gotten through the karaoke test without making an idiot of himself, he'd been chosen to join the rescue party which increased his self confidence, and he was starved. A big, juicy steak and a baked potato loaded with sour cream was in his immediate future and Xander Harris was one happy camper.

He would even be nice to Harmony! It was funny . . . she hadn't changed a bit. She was exactly like she'd been in high school—well, except for this new kick of hers for helping the hopeless. Come to think of it, she was actually nicer than she'd been in high school, and how weird was that? Sometimes he even forgot she was a vampire. He'd have to watch that. Forgetting that Harmony was a vampire was a lot more dangerous than forgetting Dawn had been glowy green mystical energy. He was kind of glad Harmony wasn't going to Quor-Toth with them.

But he was. He wasn't the 'boy with no skills', like that snotty Nigel had called him, any longer. He'd worked to become a fully-functioning member of the team and he'd been Chosen. Drafted in the first round. Picked. Selected. Made the grade. And Lorne had called him 'Aragorn'. How cool was that?

With a feeling of expansiveness, Xander offered his left arm to Dawn and his right arm to Harmony, who rolled her eyes, but accepted the offer in the spirit in which it was intended.

“Ladies,” he said as he nodded to each of them. “Let's eat!”

He escorted them into the dining room. Not to be outdone, Faith offered her arms to Connor and Lorne as they followed Xander.

Giles and Willow paused at the desk while he reserved a room for the night. He'd seen how packed the apartment was at present, and preferred a modicum of privacy.

“You know,” Connor said to Faith as his enhanced hearing picked up Giles' arrangements. “Maybe we should all think about relocating to the Hyperion for awhile. There's plenty of room there for everybody. You wanna go check it out after dinner and see what kind of shape it's in?”

“Sure,” Faith agreed. “It wouldn't hurt to check it out.”

Lorne sighed as he listened to their exchange. He was going to have to face his past sooner or later, whether he wanted to or not. Might as well get it over with. But why couldn't they have just left him alone? He'd put his past behind him and started a new life on the houseboat.

Liar, liar, pants on fire! a voice in his head chided. Who are you trying to kid? That wasn't a new life you had on the boat. You were just marking time. Well, time's up, Big Guy. It's time to put up or shut up.

Okay, I choose to shut up, he said to himself.

You want a bun to go with that, you wienie? his self answered.

“How about you shut up!” he said out loud.

“Uh, Lorne?” Faith asked. “Who are you talking to?”

“Nobody important,” Lorne replied.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Continued in  Chapter Seventeen

 

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