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Tom's Infinite Simpson Archive: Bart

Bart Simpson. The hell raiser in the Simpsons family. He is on this earth for one soul purpose, to get into trouble.

This little underachiever never finishes his school work, and is quite content with the fact that he never comes first.

Sometimes, though it may be hard to believe, he was innocent. I think Bart is was mostly Homer's doing, Marge just doesn't seem to fit in. Bart basic follows in Homer's stupidity, and when he grows up, he will probably be just like Homer, so his name will probably become Homer Junior, Homer says that "the the kids will call him Ho-Jou."

Without Bart's hellish ways, and his dirty deeds, the show wouldn't have that little bit of zing that it has now. The underachiver in Bart is just what the world's most disfunctional family needs.

Here are some of the words that come from "BART SIMPSON"

"Reverend Lovejoy, you've come to console me?"
Rev. Lovejoy: "Yes...there, there...there, there."
"I'm surprised. For once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas."
Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [pause] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
  • Bart: Dad wat's the point of this story?
  • Homer: I like storys.
    		•
    OK, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Milhouse is my loyal sidekick, Nelson's the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy, and Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy.
    Remember, if you get lost, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
    Bart: I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.
  • Lisa: Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?
  • Bart: When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.
    		•
    Homer (reading headlines): "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
  • Bart: I believe you, Dad.
    		•
    Bart: What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
  • Sherry: The Spirit of St. Louis.
  • Bart (writing): And where'd they land?
  • Terry: Sunny Acapulco.
  • Bart: And why'd they leave England?
  • Sherry: Giant rats.
  • Bart: (excited) Cool! History's coming alive!
    		•
    "Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort...ah come on? Bort?"
    "Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in day out for the last four years?"
    "You know what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure. All the little elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The end."
    "I'm not calling you a liar but....I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."

    "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

    "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender

    "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

    A burp is not an answer.

    Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal

    All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

    Beans are neither fruit nor musical

    Coffee is not for kids.

    Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

    Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

    Funny noises are not funny.

    Garlic gum is not funny

    Goldfish don't bounce.

    Hamsters cannot fly

    High explosives and school don't mix

    I am not a 32 year old woman

    I am not a dentist

    I am not a lean mean spitting machine

    I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

    I am not certified to remove asbestos

    I am not deliciously saucy

    I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr

    I did not see Elvis

    I do not have diplomatic immunity

    I do not have power of attorney over first graders

    I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge

    I will never win an emmy.

    I will finish what I start

    I will not aim for the head

    I will not barf unless I'm sick

    I will not belch the National Anthem

    I will not bribe Principal Skinner

    I will not bring sheep to class

    I will not burp in class

    I will not bury the new kid

    I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'

    I will not call the principal "spud head"

    I will not carve gods

    I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

    I will not charge admission to the bathroom

    I will not conduct my own fire drills

    I will not cut corners

    I will not defame New Orleans

    I will not dissect things unless instructed

    I will not do anything bad ever again

    I will not do that thing with my tongue

    I will not drive the principal's car

    I will not eat things for money

    I will not encourage others to fly

    I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty

    I will not fake my way through life

    I will not fake seizures

    I will not get very far with this attitude

    I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

    I will not grease the monkey bars

    I will not hang donuts on my person

    I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment

    I will not instigate revolution

    I will not make flatulent noises in class

    I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

    I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

    I will not prescribe medication

    I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

    I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause

    I will not sell land in Florida

    I will not sell miracle cures

    I will not sell school property

    I will not send lard through the mail

    I will not show off

    I will not skateboard in the halls

    I will not sleep through my education

    I will not snap bras

    I will not spank others

    I will not squeak chalk

    I will not strut around like I own the place

    I will not take scalps

    I will not teach others to fly

    I will not torment the emotionally frail

    I will not trade pants with others

    I will not use abbrev.

    I will not waste chalk

    I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

    I will not Xerox my butt

    I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom

    I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

    I will only do this once a year

    I will remember to take my medication

    I will return the seeing-eye dog

    I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist

    Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

    It's potato, not potatoe

    Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

    My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

    My name is not Dr. Death

    Nerve gas is not a toy

    Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

    No one is interested in my underpants

    No one wants to hear my armpits

    Nobody likes sunburn slappers

    Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

    Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

    Spitwads are not free speech

    Tar is not a plaything

    Teacher is not a leper

    The boys room is not a water park

    The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

    The Christmas pageant does not stink

    The First Amendment does not cover burping

    The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

    The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

    The principal's toupee is not a frisbee

    There are plenty of businesses like show business

    They are laughing at me, not with me

    This punishment is not boring and meaningless

    Underwear should be worn on the inside

    Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

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