Tom's Infinite Simpson Archive: Moe Szylak

Homer's favorite place to go get a beer. He once stole Homer's recipe for a flaming drink. He changed the name from "Flaming Homer" to the "Flaming Moe." He was about to sell the drink for a million dollars and give ahlf the money to Homer when Homer gave away the secret ingrediant.

People who are often and always at Moe's Tavern.

Moe

Barney

"The guy who calls me Bill"

Larry

Sam

Most of the quotes are laid out as follows:

Episode number (Episode name)

Person calling and others listening in

How Moe calls for the person

If anybody in the bar responds, who said what

What Moe says when he realizes it's the crank caller

Moe's response to the caller

Prank Calls to Moe

"Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt! Oh, wait a minute..."
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening) Bart with Lisa and Maggie "Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?" "Wait a minute..." "Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!" Bart and Lisa laugh
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening) Bart with Lisa and Maggie Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff! Marge picks up the extension and hears: Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
7G03 (Homer's Odyssey) Bart with Lisa "Wait a minute..." "Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!" Bart and Lisa laugh
7G06 (Moaning Lisa) Bart with Lisa "Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!" "Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap" "It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!" Bart laughs
7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish) Bart with Lisa "Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!" "Oh, wait a minute..." "Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!" Bart and Lisa laugh
7F15 (Principal Charming) Bart (in Principal Skinner's office) "Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!" Homer says: "Don't look at me!" "Oh, no!..." "You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!" Skinner, on the other end of the line, says: "You'll do what, young man?"
7F22 (Blood Feud) "Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?" "Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!" Bart and Lisa laugh
8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II) Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins "Oh, wait a minute..." Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well
Bart "Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!" A man walks up to moe and says: "I'm Hugh Jass." Moe: "Yea there's a call for you."
8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk) Bart "Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?" Barney says "You sure do!" "Oh...it's you, isn't it?" "Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!" Bart laughs
9F06 (New Kid on the Block) Bart "Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?" Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high." You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!" Bart then tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address so he can stop Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in the living room
9F06 (New Kid on the Block) Laura Powers with Bart "Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tankle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!" Laura and Bart laugh
2F19 (The PTA Disbands) This isn't at Moe's Tavern; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike "OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?" The students in the classroom laugh "All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?" More laughs "All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!" Still more laughs "Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!" Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers
3F14 (Homer the Smithers) Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland" Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
3F17 (Bart on the Road) Homer: "Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura" Moe: "Eura SNotball?" Homer: "What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

"Well I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. Not that fancy dirt, that stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff."
"To Moe, from your secret admirer?" Barney: "Yoohoo." Moe: "Oh God, no."
"Hey Homer, want a Duff?" Homer: "No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K Duff's Private Reserve." Moe: "Are you sure? 'Cause once I open the bottle there's no refund."

---

My Email address:

Return to main Primary page. Return to main Simpson page.