It was a hard and draining night, you were a large baby, and I was not an overly large person (although I did gain 67 pounds). At times, I felt like giving up, but you were persistent, you wanted to see the world. Finally, the doctor announced that it was time to go to the delivery room; that you would wait no longer. I still remember the moment your head appeared. You began to cry before you had completely emerged. Such a wonderful sound, so lusty and healthy. Then, before I knew it, there you were, on my chest, looking up at me with the most beautiful, big blue eyes I had ever seen. At that moment, I fell in love, a love that would endure even the most trying of times, and that lives on in my heart, even though you are no longer here.
I woke up a short time later, in the recovery room, with you in a bassinet beside me, however, just out of reach. I can remember wanting to touch you so badly, yet was still hooked up to an IV, and still numb from the waist down, making it virtually impossible to move. But, my determination to feel your skin overcame all of those issues, and with the middle finger of my right hand, I was able to hook the edge of the bassinet and slowly pull you towards me. I remember the feeling of your soft cheek, remember counting your little fingers and toes after I unwrapped you, remember you waking up and looking at me again…God Michael, you were such a precious little guy, and had won my heart.
Several hours later, I was brought to my room, and you were brought to the nursery. Your Grandma and Grandpa Spernak had gone to see you, then came to visit me. They were so proud of you (and always remained so) and marveled in the feelings that came with being grandparents for the first time. But, our joy would soon turn to worry and fear. The on-call pediatrician who had examined you, did not like what he heard when listening to your chest. He came into my room a short time after this examination and bluntly stated that he thought you had a heart defect, and that you were being transferred to the Intensive Care Nursery immediately. We were advised to call a priest as it was felt that you might not survive. I refused to listen and refused to allow the priest to give you the last rites as I knew deep in my soul that you were not going to die, that I was bringing you home! It was later discovered that you did not have a heart defect, but rather had swallowed some of the afterbirth, which partially filled your lungs, thus giving the impression of an echo in the chest. By the next morning, you were back in the regular nursery, and doing fine. But, I do remember going up to the ICU to visit you and seeing other parents there, parents whose little ones were not going to make it, ones that were born to soon, or with visible defects. It saddened me, as I was the mom there whose baby was almost 9 pounds, and who was going to go home.
The next day, both your doctor and mine gave the okay for us to be released, so I made the call to grandma to come and get us. She was so excited, she had bought your going-home outfit, and wanted the honor of dressing you in it. I still remember her face as she put the little blue suit on you, pure pride. She was in love with you as well, just as all that were to meet you in the next few weeks were going to be. That continued your whole life; people who met you, who looked into those beautiful blue eyes, who saw that radiant smile, would just melt, even if you were caught doing something you shouldn't have been doing.
Today, I sit here and write this account, just a few short days before you would have turned 21. The memories are still so fresh, and the pain I feel is still so raw and cutting. If only you knew how much you are missed my son. You captured my heart 21 years ago, and it is still held hostage. I love you deeply and forever…..Mom.
