Sometimes I have the urge to put my arms around him.
I remember how it felt to hold him.
There was so much passion then.
We could hardly keep our hands off of one another.
We were scolded for it on many occasions.
We used to sneak off and do it in my car,
then have long talks about when we would get married.
I remember us sneaking sex in his room during open
dorm.
So many memories.
We were like rabbits then.
I felt ill before the wedding.
They call it cold feet.
I couldn't sleep,
but I still lay in the empty, dark room.
Thinking.
Thinking, what am I doing?
So scared.
Scared of the huge change I had to make.
But the morning of the wedding was the worst.
I felt like I would collapse from all the stress.
I wanted to run away,
but I forced myself to carry on.
I felt so weak,
weak in the knees,
and my stomach had never been in so many knots.
I felt so pale,
like all of the blood had drained out of me.
Walking across the lawn with my father,
I felt guilty and angry.
I had wanted to do this alone.
Yet I continued on,
trying to walk slowly.
Standing before his father, the minister,
I was in a daze.
I don't remember anything he said.
I remember saying our vows,
but I don't remember what we said.
I remember saying I do.
By this time,
the ceremony of it all had affected me,
and I was feeling better,
more at ease.
The reception is an uncomfortable blur.
I couldn't wait until it was over.
I just wanted to leave -
to go away with him -
my new husband -
while at the same time,
I wanted it to end as a dream
where I would wake up somewhere else,
somewhere very happy.
Now, many years later,
I wonder why divorce
has no ceremony to ritualize the event.
Only court papers and fees
along with hearings
and mandatory meetings.
Just sign on the line.
After you agree
on how much child support
and who gets how much
custody and visitation.
So much to look forward to.
