Co-Dependency
The following is a variation of information from Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.Core Beliefs of a Co-dependent Person
Belief 1: Self-Image
I am a bad, unworthy person.
INTERNAL WORLD
They grow up in families where self-worth is in constant jeopardy. Feelings of inadequacy and failure parallel their partner’ sense of unworthiness. Not believing there any options, they often see humiliation and degradation as justified or deserved. They are obsessed with care taking because it is a proof of love.
OUTSIDE WORLD
They create a front of "normalcy" to hide their sense of inadequacy and fears. They may even appear to switch from aggressive, critical, controlling behavior to becoming compliant and enabling. Either way they are led to feel like a martyr and that they are being victimized. Others see decisions or behaviors as irrational, incomprehensible, or even self-destructive.
Relationships
When they become angry and frustrated with their partner’s egocentricity and insensitivity they are critical and judgmental. This behavior justifies their partner’s abusive behavior.
Belief 2: Relationships
No one would love me as I am.
INTERNAL WORLDThey have three basic fears: that they would lose their identities in the relationship, that they would be forced to deny what they knew to be true, and that meeting their needs would have a price. They believe that everyone would abandon them if the truth were known. Honest guilt and remorse cannot be expressed because that would require honesty about attitudes and feelings. They become progressively more isolated and feel that they are responsible for all of the problems.
OUTSIDE WORLD
They go to great lengths to create an image of being in charge of things and in no need of help. They appear unaffected by any problem, but will often do things as if making up for something. They often seek relationships where they can dominate or nurture so they can be intimate with minimum risk.
Relationships
Their partner in their lives starts to rely on them to pick up the pieces, especially as powerlessness and unmanageability increase. The partner becomes confused as the co-dependent increases the caretaking delivered with an almost smothering manner.
Belief 3: Needs
My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.
INTERNAL WORLD
Their desperate need for love and nurturing is so great no one person can meet their needs. This results in rage which becomes internalized as depression, resentment, self-pity, and even suicidal feelings. These down times alternate with periods of hope and exhilaration that things will change.
OUTSIDE WORLD
They do not communicate personal need, only disappointment in unmet expectations. Because they fear being rejected, they feel they must focus entirely on the partner’s needs and deny the impact this is having on them. They appear not to want or need anything and at the same time hope for and expect everything. They often “keep score” what is owed them for all they have sacrificed.
Relationships
The partner fails to perceive their need which results in sometimes, extreme mood swings. Their ups and downs remain difficult to understand. Worse, distrust and disbelief begin. Eventually, things appear to be smooth again, yet the intuition is they are not.
Belief 4: Attention and Closeness
These are my most important needs.
INTERNAL WORLD
They believe attention and closeness prove they are lovable. Because these are a tradeoff for love they fear being unattractive and inadequate. When their partner is supportive, generous and gives attention to others, while being insensitive to them, they feel total rejection, adding to their sense of unlovability. They have difficulty exploring and enjoying their own personhood.
OUTSIDE WORLD
They confuse attention and closeness with worth. Because these are a tradeoff for love they may find themselves caretaking and giving support, and, affirmation when they really don’t want to, or worse yet, participating in behavior which is degrading and humiliating. They may be overly nice to get attention and “walk on eggshells” in order to control their partner’s abusive behavior.
Relational World
They confuse their partner with their contradictory signals about the relationship. Their partner failing to understand their need for attention and closeness responds in behavior which unwanted. This results in rejection of the partner’s efforts to interpret their need, causing both to withdraw even further from each other. All of this unpredictable behavior perpetuates the addiction cycle of the relationship.
An additional note here: We now have a message board so people can compare stories of how their learned co-dependency contributed to their being in an abusive relationship.
Core Beliefs of the Abuser
Roles Children Play
Kinds of Abuse & Dynamics of Abuse
Victimology
Stockholm Syndrome
A Book About This Topic
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