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Belief 1: Self-Image
I am a bad, unworthy person.
They conclude from their family experiences that they are not worthwhile persons. Feelings of inadequacy and failure predominate. They often see humiliation and degradation as justified or deserved. The desperate struggle around having control confirms this belief and enhances feelings of low self-worth. They are committed to hiding the secret reality of their low self-esteem at all costs because of their fear of exposure. This fear guides their behavior and decisions.
They create a front of "normalcy" to hide their sense of inadequacy. They may even appear grandiose and full of exaggerated self-importance. As consequences to behaviors emerge, the front contrasts with actions which seem to be degrading and self-defeating or both. Others see decisions or behaviors as irrational, incomprehensible, or even self-destructive, but not "normal."
RelationshipsClose friends and family members become angry and frustrated with the egocentricity, especially when there is insensitivity to others. Not knowing the internal world of this person, acquaintances are troubled by what looks like destructive behavior which does not fit the image they seem to want to project.
Belief 2: Relationships
No one would love me as I am.
They believe that everyone would abandon them if the truth were known. They have a constant fear of being dependent on others. Honest guilt and remorse cannot be expressed because that would require honesty about behavior. They become progressively more isolated.
They create an image of being in charge of life and in no need of help. They appear unaffected by any problem, but will often do things as if making up for something. No explanation is offered, however. Some may continue to be charming and sociable, but usually become "unreachable" personally as they close off all avenues of vulnerability.
Relationships
Significant persons in their lives start to feel pushed away, useless, neglected, and unnecessary. They become confused by the seemingly generous gestures delivered without any personal warmth or presence. Anger and hurt accumulate with a sense of abandonment in reaction to the inconsistent behavior.
Belief 3: Needs
My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others
They feel unloved and unlovable which means other people cannot be depended on to love them, so their needs will not be met. The resulting rage becomes internalized as depression, resentment, self-pity, and even suicidal feelings. Because they have no confidence in others' love, they become calculating, strategizing, manipulative, and ruthless. Rules and laws are made for people who are lovable. Those who are unlovable survive in other ways.
Their rage about unmet needs in the past prevents the possibility of expressing needs now because they anticipate being rejected. They appear not to want or need anything. They are purposely unclear about their intentions and are thus manipulative. They try to be affirmed or cared for without expressing what they need, so they do not risk rejection. They make extensive efforts to show how respectable and wonderful they are.
Relationships
Those who are close start to see the double life, the Jekyll and Hyde. Their ups and downs remain difficult to understand. Worse, distrust and disbelief begin. Things appear to be so smooth; yet the intuition is they are not. Inconsistencies between the public and personal lives confirm these intuitions.
Belief 4: Power/Control
These are my most important needs.
Control pervades their life style and behavior. They manipulate every opportunity they can with their charm or intimidation.
Relational World
Those close to this person either give into the intimidation or become distant. Since they don't feel close enough to become involved, they choose the other option which is to withdraw.
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