70 and a few ways to annoy Lord Voldemort

There are times in your Death Eater career when you'll discover that it's a hell of a lot of fun to annoy people. Particularly people who are easily annoyed. people like, say, the Lord himself. I've compiled a list of ways to irritate the poor devil, thanks to a few friends.

ShinayneDoUrden

• Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.
• Ask him if he has any grey poupon.
• Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."
• Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
• Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
• Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
• Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
• Dance the Funky Chicken.
• Ask him when was the last time he took a bath
• Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
• If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
• Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
• Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'
• Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
• Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
• Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
• Be cheerful.
• When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
• Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
• Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
• Teach him how to spit tobacco.
• Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? Whats that, a washing detergent?'
• Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
• Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
• Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....
• Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
• Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
• 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Ever?'
• Tell him he should really try the 12-step program (baby steps) for Evil Overlords - Evil Overlords Anonymous.
• Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
• In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
• Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.
• Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
• Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
• Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.
• Tell him you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'
• Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
• If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'
• Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
• Buy him a stress ball.
• Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
• Call him Tommy-boy.
• If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
• Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
• Say he 'looked better under the turban'
• Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
• Teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
• Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
• Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
• 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'

Linda Lupos

• Bring a toaster to the next death eater meeting, and offer him an English muffin.
• Whistle the first few notes of "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" incessantly while in his presence.
• Get many "Property of---" stickers. Place them on everything he owns. This includes Nigini.
• Wear cheap muggle X-ray glasses to the next Death Eater meeting. Leer suggestively at him.
• Leave candy and flowers at his chamber door. Blame Malfoy.
• Buy him a cell phone. Call him at odd hours of the night, claiming you have the wrong phone number.
• Dress up as Harry Potter for Halloween. Get a friend and reenact all the times Harry Potter kicked his ass.
• Sneak a red sock into his bleached laundry so that he ends up with pink underwear
• Kidnap Wormtail and replace him with a real rat and let Voldemort embarrass himself by talking to it
• Send a bunch of owls to his "secret" hideout and train them to all use the bathroom on his house
• Get him a Teddy bear. Tell him it might help his 'anger problem'.
• Send him a mutilated arm with a card that says "From Wormtail, with love."
• Get him drunk. Get him VERY drunk. Video tape all the blackmail worthy events. Discreetly send the tape to Dumbledore.
• Meow occasionally during the Death Eater meetings
• Send cheerleaders to the next meeting. ("Give me a 'V'! Give me an "O'! Give me a 'L'!!)
• Throw slices of cheese at him. When you finally hit his face, yell "WOO!" and then run for your life.
• Hire a mime to mimic his every movement.
• Tie him down and make him watch non-stop Disney movies
• Make passes at him. Use annoying lines such as "Hey Voldie, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"
• 20. Play 'The Penis Game' at a Death Eater's meeting... See who can yell it the loudest, before Voldemort kills them.

Others

• Anything he says, say Why? -Clare
• Mimic everything he does. -Claire
• Say, so, how many 1 year olds have defeated you THIS week, voldy?-Clare
  
• Buy him head polish -Deke
• Call him 'mommy's little Tommy' -Brian
• Constantly repeat the name of his least favorite food, alternating on 'kumquat' every tenth time. -Kenna
• Tell him "You're just the cutest little witch I've ever seen!" in baby talk -Heimlich43