The song that’s
playing….Wind Beneath My Wings….that pretty much
expresses what Cees was to me. He was my encourager, the one that
helped make me who I have become today. He seemed to always blend into
the background, going along with whatever I dreamnt up or whatever
project I dived into. It was usually headfirst whatever it
was…if one was good then ten must be better. He never
discouraged me in fact he always seemed to enjoy my wild fancies in the
long run….the rabbit I brought home needed a pen, but not
just any old pen. It had to be the fanciest one he could design. A
living room, bedroom and of course part of it had to be enclosed so
bunny wouldn’t get cold. When he brought a baby duck home
from the park one time because kids were teasing it….we went
to the store to bring home a pool for it…got home and it had
flown off. So, if one duck was good then four would be
better…so I thought. He built a pen for them and tolerated
the mess until I placed them on a farm. The oodles and oodles of
animals I brought home seemed like an endless project of design for him
to house them. When I raised cockatiels, not any cage would
do…I had to have an oak aviary…so, of course, he
designed one…one that would make anyone proud to have in
their living room. 6’ x 5’ x 2 ‘ stained
with powder coated mesh and pull out drawers for cleaning… A
work of art…. Then along came the girls….1, 2, 3,
4 ! Our American Eskimo Dogs. Of course, Mercy was an anniversary gift
from me to him…for me. We had been without a dog for almost
9 years before her… Most folks just have one dog to love and
enjoy, but I got bit by the show scene and before we knew it we had a
champion. Again, if one is good two would be better and before we knew
it along came number three. He and Dad worked so hard last year
building the most beautiful covered 12’ x 24’
covered run to keep them safe and secure, just in time for number four!
Odd that I would be remembering these things tonight but sometimes
things just pop into one’s head at the strangest
times… I write them as they are given in hopes of capturing
the memories that might slip by otherwise. Sometimes so fast that
it’s difficult to catch them and each and everyone of them is
so very precious I can’t bear to forget them so I write them
down as silly as they seem at the time.
Today has been four months since Cees’ has been gone and it
seems like an eternity already and yet sometimes just like yesterday.
So much has changed….the days are getting shorter, the
weather colder. And yet some days just glide into another and I
can’t believe that November is already here.
It’s been difficult having to think of all the things that
have to be done to get a house ready for winter. Cees was the one that
usually battened down the hatches and made sure that we could weather
any storm. I’ve had the furnace checked and cleaned, the
fireplace inspected and cleaned and am in the process of having the
heat ducts re-taped and insulated…with the higher prices in
natural gas it seems foolish to have put in wall and ceiling insulation
and not have the ductwork insulated. He took such great care of our
little house, and made sure that it would be safe should something
happen to him….I want to make him proud of me being able to
keep up it’s care… I’ve had so much help
from my Dad and Mom but there are just some things that even they
can’t do…
Change can be good too…I’ve spent last weekend
painting and getting ready to put in new carpet and vinyl
floors…bought some new furniture and will be putting in
wallpaper soon. It helps to lift the spirits and makes it a little
easier to come home at night. Although having the girls here waiting
for me helps the most…. All the changes I’ve done,
or will be doing, are things that Cees and I had talked about and were
going to do as he said, “when I get feeling
better”. I would like to think in a way he is helping me
along…I think he’d like the changes I’ve
added…he would have enjoyed them I think…
I found out last Wednesday that Tahoma National Cemetery set
Cees’ headstone. I went out there Friday night with
our good friends, Ray and Lisa and when I drove along
“Memorial Drive” it was breathtaking to see all the
flags that had been donated to the facility, standing at attention all
along the drive. The wind was still and they all hung silently, the
daylight already being stolen from sky. Almost like sentries standing
there in remembrance of all the Veteran’s whose lives had
been taken in protecting our freedom…and those that served
their country in other ways and had been laid to rest during peacetime.
Such an awesome sight was it that I will also be donating Cees flag
presented to the family at his service to also be flown during military
holidays. What an honor to know that he too was part of that.
His headstone bears his name, rank date of
birth and date of death….but what means more than anything
to me is instead of “Loving Husband” or
“Husband & Father” is two small initials
“C.C.” Those two little letters, in my view, just
seemed to say it all…C.C. is who he was, most everyone knew
him by those initials of his name but they could have stood for
“Constant Companion”, “Caring
Comrade” or “Consoling Confidant” Two
little letters, for a bigger than life person….. I rest in
the thought that now maybe those two little letters might stand for
“Christ’s Child” I know that he is with
the Lord and he is a child of God and one day I’ll see him
again…. When I do I know that all this pain of missing him
will disappear and I’ll be able to say, “Why, that
wasn’t so long after all”, especially when
we’ll have eternity together in a place much more wonderful
than this…
I haven’t seen many rainbows lately…with the low
winter sky almost upon us it will be a while before they come back to
visit….but I still have the full moon to mark the months
that will continue to fly by. The moon was full when he left and each
time I see a new one I think to myself, “There’s
that punctuation mark again, time to stop and be still and take a check
on how I’m doing. Traveling this journey called grief is not
easy. Folks say, “It will never get better, but it will get
easier” I think that’s true. I have some days that
are easier but for right now it’s still hard for the most
part…you’ll never forget the one you’ve
lost, they will always remain a part of you…and Cees was
such a big part of me…in so many ways…it will
take me a long time to find the me in me and not the we….one
breath at a time is what I’m going on some
days…but someone posted in a support group, It’s
always darkest before the dawn, but if you don’t open the
shades you won’t be able to see the sunrise”. How
true that is…it’s so much easier to want to stay
in bed and pull the covers up over your head. But if you do you miss so
much that life has to offer. Cees loved life, he loved his family and
he so loved his friends. He loved to be doing and going, never standing
still for very long. He used to say if he did, his knees hurt
too much. I think he just couldn’t stand still that
long…he was always ten steps ahead of what his mind was
thinking on at the moment. That’s probably why quite a few
projects got started but not finished before he started another
one…always on the move my guy….
Thanks for letting me ramble today….it helps me to put my
thoughts down and if just one person reads something here that can help
them in whatever challenge they’re facing then perhaps it
makes it all worth it…something good has to come from
something so difficult to make it bearable…
