JOKES!

This is just something I thought of making you guys laugh...hope you guys lilke it! =) It does look kinda boring with all this writing but it is pretty funny.....if you get it, that is! =) haha!!

Three Daughters

Three daughters were all living with their father. He was the kind of person who was very protective, and he didn't trust young men. All three of the girls had dates for the same night, and no matter how much he argued with them, their father couldn't convince them to stay at home. Around 6:30 the doorbell rang and the father went to open it. He got out his 12-gauge shotgun, flung open the door and yelled, "What do you want?!" The boy standing on the door was very nervous as he said, "Well ... my name is Freddie, and I'm here for Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, so is she ready?" The father called Betty and they drove off. Around 6:45 the doorbell rang again. The father flung open the door and yelled as he had done before. The youth said, "Well ... my name is Joe and I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, so is she ready to go?" Flo came running down the stairs and they drove off. Around 7:00 the doorbell rang again. The door was opened and the boy started to speak, "Hi, I'm Chuck ..." BOOM!

Losing Weight

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck: "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder

A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat..."

The Damn Geezer

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Bedroom Oral Sex

A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

Rolls Royce

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Three Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Another Irish Drinking Story

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I fucked Lisa." To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Lisa is my dog."

The Honeymoon

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

Grandparent-hood

After marrying a pretty young woman, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor.

All Aboard

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the fuckin' train and sit your ass down because were leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under that seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the fuckin' bitch in the kitchen..."

Dying Words

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside." Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!"

Ah-choo!

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. T he woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

The Blonde And The Fairy

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Actual Radio Conversation

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, October 10, 1995: [Voice 1] Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. [Voice 2] Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. [Voice 1] This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. [Voice 2] No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. [Voice 1] THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! [Voice 2] This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Getting Physical A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all professionalism immediately goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this, he says to the woman, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sex with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes.

Drug Store Condoms

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. "Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says "Well, I don't know." She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky walks up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep" she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3".

Choose Death Or Bulunga

Three missionaries were taken hostage by a primitive tribe in deepest darkest Africa. The chief went up to the first missionary and said, "Choose death or bulunga!". The first missionary - not wanting to die - said, "Bulunga". Upon saying this he was dragged out of the hut and was tied facing a pole. After this all of the natives came up and bum fucked him. When they were finished they untied him and led him away. The chief then went up to the second missionary and said, "Choose death or bulunga!". The second missionary - also not wanting to die - said, "Bulunga". Upon saying this, he too was dragged out of the hut and was tied facing a pole (still not a polish joke!). After this all of the natives came up and bum fucked him. When they were finished they untied him and led him away like the first. The third missionary having witnessed what happened to the first two decided that he couldn't live with the humiliation the first two would live with. So when the chief asked him, "Choose death or bulunga!, he responded with "Death!" The chief then said, "Right then, Death by Bulunga!"

Hot Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square"; the second, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule"; the third, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure"; and the fourth man was a Union member. To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do your stuff. "T-Square" trotted over to a desk, took some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty good, but the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule" do your stuff. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good, but the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure", do your stuff. "Measure" got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got out a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, then poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was very good, then they turned to the Union member and said, "What can your dog do?" The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break", do your stuff. "Coffee Break" jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

Hillbilly Mom To Hillbilly Son

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home... so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address, wish I would have thought of that. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle, yet. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for about 3 days. Three of your friends when off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down in time. Not much more news this time, nothing much happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

6 Shots of Jagermeister

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

How Men Really Think

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

The Exterminator

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you", she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

Hope you liked these jokes!