The Hardest Thing

This... came from the fact that the song was haunting me, I needed Willow/Spike, and, well, it's kinda messed up, but blame it on Kellen... I know I do... *grin*

Willow sat on the balcony railing, dangling her legs over the edge as she looked up at the stars.
"Spike, what are you doing?" she asked childishly, her soft voice echoing over the seemingly empty yard.
"I'm sitting here, pet." his sexy voice floated out into the night from an indeterminable place in the dark. There was a hint of good humor to his voice, and she smiled.
"Watching me." A silence followed her statement.
"Yes." he answered finally, in a soft, adoring voice.

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong

"Tell me again why you came back?" she asked softly, jumping off the railing to lean over and see if he was hiding beneath it. He wasn't.
"You love to hear this story, don't you, luv?' he grumbled. "Hold on." She looked out into the blackness, searching for a flash of red, a glint of the ice blue of his eyes. Nothing. Someone tapped on her shoulder, and she screamed.
"Quiet, luv, I think Angel heard you in LA."
"Stop sneaking up on me like that!" she whirled around to look into Spike's eyes.
"You knew I was here,” he said softly.

I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep

Spike sat down on the edge of the railing and pulled Willow into his lap, then picked up the brush next to them and began to brush her hair. "I went down to Brazil, found Dru, and made nice with her. But I couldn't push the thought of a certain brave, beautiful young redhead back here in Sunnyhell out of my mind, so I told Dru I was getting her something special and came back here."
"And then you found her in the graveyard crying about her boyfriend dumping her..."
"What makes you so sure it's you I'm talking about, ducks?" he teased halfheartedly, sobered by the reminders of what he was really doing. She wrinkled up her nose and reached back to hit him, but he caught her hand and kissed it softly. The sad expression on his face betrayed the tenderness in his actions.

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

"And now what are you going to do, William?" She asked softly, drawing her hand back slowly.
"I'm not sure what to do, Red. If I go back, I'm left always wishing I hadn't. If I don't go back, Dru will come back with revenge on her mind and surely kill us both." he sighed and set the brush back down beside them.
"I see." Willow said quietly, slipping out of his lap and onto the railing beside him, where she could see his face.
"So, I guess, the only option I've really got is to go back. I... I don't want..."
"I don't want anything to happen to you." Willow finished for him, her thoughts the same. He nodded, and she reached out to cup his face in one of her pale white hands, smiling softly. "I love you."

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

"Will..." he reached up to cover her hand with one of his own cold, larger hands. "If I could stay, you know I would."
"But you can't." she said softly. "You've got to go back to her. She'll live forever, like you, and I'm not always going to be here." She slipped her hand out from under his and turned away from him.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry

"I know this is hard, but Red, I know you'll forget..."
"Spike! You have no idea what I'm really like, do you?!" she interrupted tearfully. "I'll NEVER forget you. How could I? I'm not the casual fling type, and I DON'T say I love you unless I mean it."
"I'm sorry, Willow." he said softly, afraid to see the tears he knew were rolling down her face.
"You're SORRY!" The redhead angrily yelled, turning to him, her green eyes flashing with anger. "You're SORRY you're denying me the only thing I've ever really wanted?! That's totally inadequate and you know it." She slid off the rail and walked into her room.

I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

"Goodbye, Spike." she said softly, the barrier between them shimmering.
"Willow!" he yelled, his voice hoarse with emotion. As he tried to enter, he hit the barrier and stopped, closing his eyes and just leaning there as he listened to her sob. As her breathing slowed with sleep, he opened his eyes to see her sleeping form, so at peace, with tears still sliding down her cheeks. "I love you, Willow. No matter what." He turned, jumped off the balcony, and disappeared into the night.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

As he drove down to Brazil, all he could see were her green eyes, sparkling with happiness, her red lips, her perfect smile. He sighed and pulled over at a bar and got himself thoroughly drunk.

Willow looked out her window and sighed, hoping Spike was still out there somewhere, thinking of her. Tears glistened unshed in her eyes, and she blinked, wishing them away. She turned away and crawled into bed, hoping that tomorrow she would forget him, and knowing that it wouldn't happen.

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind

As Spike crawled back into his car, throwing a bottle into the backseat for when he started to sober up, an insight came to him. He smiled slightly and started to actually look forward to confronting Drusilla.

Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
'cause there can be no happy ending

"Willow, I'm doing this for you." he swore to the moon before entering the hacienda. "Dru, sweet, I'm home!" he called.
"Oh, my Spikey!" she cooed, coming down the stairs elegantly. "You've come back to princess. I was afraid you were going to stay with that evil bad witch."
"Don't worry, luv. My princess is the only one for me."

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

But who is my princess? He wondered. And what the bloody hell am I doing?

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry

He watched her descend the staircase slowly, admiring her dark beauty. Why do I love her? he asked himself as she smiled; her lips bloody from a recent kill. Her dark hair shone like the night, and her eyes sparkled with childish good humor.
"What did you get for your princess?" she asked, stopping suddenly. "Did you bring me the tree's heart?" Spike winced inwardly at the thought.
"No, ducks, it's a much better present." he said with a smile.

I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

"Are we going to play a game, my Spikey?" she cooed. "Did you bring me one of the Slayer's friends?"
"Much better." he said, comparing her dark beauty to Willow's fiery splendor. Willow was so alive, so... not Drusilla. A perfect princess.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

"Did you bring me the Slayer herself? You promised me we'd dance on her grave, you and I. As it once was and as it should be, no nasty witch between us."
"Yes, luv, we'll dance on her grave, but not yet. The present is much better than that."
At this the girlish vampire became confused, and she approached Spike slowly, wrapping her arms around his neck as she reached him. Then she quickly unwound her arms as if she'd been burned.

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

"You still smell of her!" Drusilla shrieked. "My Spikey is gone again! No, no, no, no, no!"
"Ducks, I was in Sunnyhell. The witch lives there, and we ran into each other." Spike tried in vain to soothe her rantings as she shook her head violently, tearing at her hair.
"NO, NO, NO!" she screamed. She moved to push past him. "I must chop down the tree and free my Spikey from her webs. Don't worry, Spikey, princess will make you better."

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

"No, Dru, I can't let you do that." he said, grabbing her arm. Drusilla turned and looked at him, her demon face showing, golden eyes flashing fire. In an instant he faced her the same.
"She must be stopped! You're MY Spikey!" she screamed with rage.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry

"I haven't given you your present yet, ducks." he reminded her, letting his human face slide back into place. Drusilla calmed down slightly, putting her human mask back on and swaying back and forth in front of him to music only she could hear.
"Can you hear the music, my Spike? It's so beautiful. They're asking for a dance, Spike, the stars are. Dance with princess?"
Spike smiled and took her hand, wrapping his other arm around her waist. "Of course I will, ducks. One last dance." They whirled around the room in a strange waltz only one of them could hear. It was strangely beautiful, the dark beauty and the handsome stranger, dancing in circles in the open room as moonlight shone through the skylights Dru had refused to let him cover.

I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

Dru slowed down and their dance slowly came to a stop. "I love you, Drusilla." Spike said softly as he drew back from her slightly to put his hand inside his jacket. Drusilla clapped in anticipation.
"Time for a prezzie?"
"Time for a present." he withdrew the stake slowly and Dru's merriment faded to fear.
"NO, NO, NO!" she shrieked again. "This isn't how it's supposed to end!"

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

The end came quickly and soon dust fell softly like snow on the floor where they had danced moments before. Spike turned away and walked to the door, where he stopped for a moment. He turned around and blew the falling dust a kiss.
"Goodbye, ducks." He said softly, then he turned and started to whistle as he headed back to his car. It was a long trip back to Sunnydale.

I don't want to live a lie
What can I do?

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Email: rilla_rose@yahoo.com