"You could go a thousand years without running water, but would you like a chicken sandwich?" - Kris A.
"I've never been in love with Brian at any point." - Kegan
"I always wax my cucumbers." - Wyatt
"What, you smoke marijuana?" - Nick B., in response to anything he can't quite hear
"I've had a 'new' car for every other onth I've been driving. That's impressive." - Jon H.
"Jenny Craig came to America to solve the fish obesity problem..." - Megan
"Why is it that the nuttiest people define reality?" - from a Dilbert comic
"There are so many deer - they're everywhere!" - Karla
"I hate reading the announcement to moving targets." - Mrs. F
"Can I get a volunteer to pee in a beaker?" - Mr. DK
"She sounds like the teachers from Charlie Brown!" - Mr. DG, about Ms. VW
"She is demonstrating her blondeness -- she tried to print it off the laptop." - Derek G, about Brittney A.
"Yeah, it's going to come out folded from the disk drive." - Kegan
"I like to watch children cry." - Megan
"I don't like guys with long hair." - Chris K
"I hate shaving my legs." - Wyatt F
"I don't want donuts. It's a love handle waiting to happen." - Megan
"The teeter-totter won!!!" - Karla
"My armpits bulge out, they don't suck in!" -Nicole A.
"It could be world peace - just have everyone do finger exercises!" - Chris K
"I don't grovel, I'm a man." - Richey K.
"'Dumbo Drop'? That sounds disgusting!" - Mrs. F
"That's a crutch! Take it away!" - Jenny
"I don't believe in donuts." - Mr. W
"I'm like the guy who can recite pie, but can't find his car keys!" - me
"A horizontal line is just runs." - Karla
"I slip and fall in Dairy Queen all the time. No one else seems to!" - Diane M.
"I have your little man in my hands." - Ryan VV to Mike S.
"Mark, you look naked." - Ms. VW
"What if you became dictator of the woods?" - Karla
"I want Santa!"- Ben Day
"I will not hack off my neighbor's head and throw it in the creek." - Rebecca
"I'm sharing my knowledge!" - Dan
"Well, just be selfish right now." - Karla
"My kingdom hurts!" - Rick Fry
"It's like riding a weed eater!" - me
"Why are there Tic-Tacs in my wall?" - Brian G.
"Quit touching your TV!" - Megan
"Starbucks refuses the right to serve people." - Brian G.
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." - Vice President Al Gore (contributed by xMattx)
"I fell asleep in the shower once. Stood the whole time. Didn't wake up until the water turned cold." - Brian G.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- VP Al Gore (contributed by xMattx
"You think I like picking Brian-ear bits out from under my fingernails??!" - me
"The future will be better tomorrow." VP Al Gore (contributed by - you guessed it - xMattx)
"Why do I have all these forks in my room??!!" - Brian G.
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -VP Al Gore (xMattx)
"High altitude bake-caking?" - me
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -VP Al Gore (xMattx)
"I bit me a vampire once. It tastes like corn." - xMattx, quoting MadTV
"You'e taking the garlic salt for a walk." - me
"You're scaring me." - Hilary
"Why????" - me
"If we don't succeed... we run the risk of failure." - Al Gore (thanks, Matt, for the correction)
"...well, this is the man who got his head stuck in a golf bag, what did you expect?" - me, talking about Dan Quayle
"Why are you biting me?" - Franklin
"I'm sick and tired of your emotional constipation!" - from the movie Tarzan
"...Not old farts that talk about the time they went to the jungles of Hamamba Wamba. We don't relate to that." - from a survey
"I don't know if I want to be associated with a goldfish you want to see dead." - Brian G.
"Eeeevvverybody loves mass-produced cream-filled pastriiieeees!!" - Dan Akroyd
"You're an evil, evil woman." - Krista
"I know." - Miss V
"Oh, shoot! I forgot to put my boogers in the fridge!" - Diane
"You're so full of yourself." - Tim, to Jon
"No I'm not, I'm just the Man." - Jon, to Tim
"He has a banana generator back there." - me
"I like my flirtiness, thank you!" - me
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" - Jono, to Kris
"I'm not a cheater, I'm just lazy." - Karla
"I'm convinced that Mormons will take over the world." - Miss V
"I tried to bite you in midair." - Karla
"I babysat my little brother and chased him with a meat pounder." - Miss V
"Somebody said I was a woman?" - Tim
"Come back here, little buddy!" - Megan, to her pen
"I like stuff that I like." - me
"I could see you filling in for the chihuahua on TV." - Mr W to Nick
"Do you get personal with your chicken?" - Jono
"My baby was an animal. It came out and bit my legs off." - Megan
"Know what makes me smile? Not having unsightly facial hair." - Jenny
"Don't you hate it when you're dumb?" - Callie
"You will be flogged publicly, Diane." - Ms. V
"Oh, don't touch my pickles." - Jenne
"I know I'm going crazy when the tapes start singing to me." - my brother, Kegan
"How do you put a pickle in a Speedo?" - Marq
"Do Native Americans have facial hair?" - Karla
"Eve must have been so hot!" -Seth
"You just think that because she was naked!" - Krista
"Why would I flip the bean?" - DDK
"My binder is screaming, 'Fish'!!!" - Karla
"Don't pick on my brain!" - Megan
"They were gonna put me in boot camp, but they were like, 'no, that's too easy'" - Nick K, on why he was sent to Ms. V's class
"I don't pick my nose, I pick my brain." - Megan
"Normal is a setting on the washing machine." - Kyle S
"92 days 'til corn-planting season." - Dan
"Ow, your elbow went up my butt!" - Jenne
"We're the biggest morons in the world." - Karla
"The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead." - Kyle S
"Yeah, and gay monkies fly out of my butt at midnight!" - Jon H.
"Ummm... no, not funny at all... excuse my while i go change my pants." - Zaphod
"There's no better butt-reducer than running, and track is just that." - my Mother
"Yes, well, I think we like our butts, thank you." - me
"Yeah, it never did anything to me!" - my brother, Kegan
"You might actually look cute in a prom dress." - Andy M, to me
"You know, we men, we've got it." - Mr. W
"What exactly 'it' is, is up for debate." - me
"We're stupid, so we need to learn dumb things." - Dan
"What does rectal floss look like?" - Ifrit
"...so the nuns went back to their... their... oh, what do you call it? I can't remember!! So they went back to their nunery." - me
"I've lived twelve years and sired over four hundred children. That is the way a pig's life should be." - Old Major, from the book Animal Farm by George Orwell
