(Jake, Daria, and Quinn in car) 

Jake - Girls, I just want you to know that your mother and I realize that it's not easy moving to a whole new town, especially for you Daria, right? 

Daria - Did we move? 

Jake - I'm just saying that you don't make friends as easily as, umm, some people. 

(Quinn turns up radio) 

Daria - Quinn, for instance? 

Jake - That's not what I meant, (turns off radio) necessarily. The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult... 

Daria - (turns on radio) Speak up Dad, can't hear you! 

Jake - Oh, where was I? (turns off radio) Oh yeah, don't get upset if the other kids take a little while to warm up to you. 

(Quinn steps out of car) 

Stacey - Hi! You're Cool. What's your name? 

Quinn - Quinn Morgendorffer. 

Sandi - Cool name. 

Boy - Will you go out with me? 

Daria - I'll try to help her through this difficult period of adjustment. 

Jake - That's my girl! Wait a minute... 

Daria - See ya Dad. (steps out of car) 

(touring the school with Ms. Li) 

Ms. Li - As you can see our Lawndale High students take great pride in our school. That's why you'll be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High. 

Daria - SOS. Girl overboard. 

Quinn - No one told me about any tests. 

Daria - Don't worry, it's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt. 

Quinn - Oh. All right. 

(at Mrs. Manson's office) 

Mrs. Manson - Now Quinn, what do you see here? 

Quinn - It's a picture of two people talking. 

Mrs. Manson - That's right! Can you make up a little story about what they might be discussing? 

Quinn - I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt. 

Mrs. Manson - You won't be graded. 

Quinn - Oh, okay then. Let's see... They've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she's saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady. And if he does want to go steady, he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, backseat, movie, burger, backseat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger backseats, waiting to take her someplace nice. 

Mrs. Manson - Very good, Quinn. Now Dara, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's. 

Daria - It's Daria. 

Mrs. Manson - I'm sorry, Daria, what do you see in the picture, Dara? 

Daria - Um, a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. 

Mrs. Manson - Ah, there aren't any ponies. It's two people. 

Daria - Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted. 

Mrs. Manson - That's a different test dear. In this test, they're people. And you tell me what they're discussing. 

Daria - Oh. I see. All right then. It's a guy and a girl. And they're discussing, a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. 

(In Mr. DeMartino's class) 

Mr. DeMartino - Class, we have a new student joining us today. Please welcome Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, please raise your hand. 

(Daria raises her hand) 

Mr. DeMartino - Well Daria, as long as you have your hand raised... he he he he... Last week we began a unit on western expansion. Perhaps you think it's unfair to be asked a question on your first day of class. 

Daria - Excuse me? 

Mr. DeMartino - Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the Doctrine of Manifest Destiny. 

Daria - Manifest Destiny was a popular slogan in the 1840s. It was used by people who claimed it was God's will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. These people did not include many Mexicans. 

Mr. DeMartino - Very good Daria. Almost, suspiciously good. All right class, who can tell me what war Manifest Destiny was used to justify. Kevin! How about you. 

Kevin - The Vietnam War? 

Mr. DeMartino - That came a little later Kevin. A hundred years later. A lot of good men died in that conflict Kevin. I believe we owe it to them to at least get the century right! 

Kevin - Uh... Operation Watergate? 

Mr. DeMartino - Son, promise me you'll come back and see me one day when you have the Heisman trophy and a chain of oil dealerships and I'm saving up for a second pair of pants. Will you promise me that Kevin? 

Kevin - Sure! 

Brittany - Can I come too? I mean, if Kevin and I are still together? 

Kevin - We will be babe. 

Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Brittany. Can you guess which war we fought against the Mexicans over Manifest Destiny? 

Brittany - No? 

Mr. DeMartino - Please try Brittany... 

Brittany - Uh, the Vietkong War? 

Mr. DeMartino - Either someone gives me the answer or I give you all double homework and a quiz tomorrow. I want a volunteer with the answer, now! 

(Daria sighs and raises her hand) 

Mr. DeMartino - Daria, stop showing off! 

(At home, sitting around the dinner table) 

Quinn - So then they asked me to join the pep squad. They said I didn't have to try out or anything. But I said look, I'm new here. Give me a chance to get used to the place first. So for now I'm the vice-president of the fashion club and that's it. 

Jake - Sounds like a well-thought out decision honey. 

Helen - As long as you can join pep squad later, if you want to. It's your choice. You never know how much you can handle until you try though! 

Jake - What about you Daria, how was your first day? 

Daria - Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers. But there are some interesting idiots in my class. 

Jake - That's great! 

Helen - Jake! 

Jake - I mean... 

Helen - Daria, your father is trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You're in a brand new school in a brand new town. You don't want it to be like Highland all over again. 

Daria - Not much chance of that happening. Unless there's uranium in the drinking water here too. 

Helen - I'm talking about you making a friend or two. Don't be so critical. Give people the benefit of the doubt. 

Daria - It all boils down to trust. 

Helen - Exactly, it all boils down to trust. Show a little trust. 

Daria - Mom, Dad, you're right. Can I borrow either car? 

Helen and Jake - No. 

(phone rings) 

Quinn - God, I hope that's not the booster society again. 

Helen - Hello? Yes... yes, she's my daughter. I see. Listen, is this going to require any parent/teacher conferences or anything? And if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? Okay great. Bye! (hangs up phone) You girls took a psychological test at school today? 

Quinn - They said we wouldn't be graded. 

Helen - Daria, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks. Then they'll test you again. 

Quinn - You flunked the test? 

Helen - She didn't fail dear, it seems she has low self-esteem 

Jake - What? That really stinks Daria!

Helen - Easy Jake, focus. We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful, and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you? 

Quinn - Is she gonna have like, a breakdown or something? Cause, that could really mess me up with my new friends. 

Daria - Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. 

Jake - I'll say! 

Daria - I have low esteem for everyone else. 

(commercial break) 

(in self-esteem class) 

Mr. O'Neill - Esteem, a team. They don't really rhyme, do they. The sounds don't quite mesh. And that in fact is often the case when it comes to a team, and esteem. The two just don't seem to go together. But we are here today to begin realizing your actuality. And when we do, each one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, I am. Now, before we... 

Daria - Excuse me, I have a question. 

Mr. O'Neill - Sorry, question and answer time is later. 

Daria - I want to know what realizing your actuality means. 

Mr. O'Neill - It means... look, just let me get through the part okay, and then there will be a video! Now, before we can unlock... 

Jane - (to Daria) He doesn't know what it means. He's got the speech memorized. Just enjoy the nice man's soothing voice. 

Daria - How am I supposed to follow him if I don't know what he's talking about? 

Jane - I can fill you in later, I've taken the course 6 times. 

(Daria and Jane walking home) 

Jane - So then after the role playing, next class, they put the girls and the guys in separate rooms, and a female counselor talks to us about body image. 

Daria - What do they talk to the boys about? 

Jane - A class room full of guys and a male teacher? 

Jane and Daria - Nocturnal emissions. 

Daria - I don't get it Jane, you've got the entire course memorized, how come you can't pass the test to get out? 

Jane - I can pass the test. But I like having low self-esteem. Makes me feel special. 

(at home) 

Helen - Hi, Honey. 

Daria - Mom, are you feeling all right? It's not even 5 yet. 

Helen - I'm taking the rest of the day off to work with you on your self-esteem. 

Daria - Mom. I'm in the care of experts. Any meddling by an amateur could be dangerous. 

Helen - I'm don't pretend I can cure you Daria, but if lack of Mother-Daughter bonding is part of your problem, we're going to remedy that right now. We're going out to do something you want to do. 

(at a clothing store) 

Helen - What do you think of this one? 

Daria - It stands proudly and proclaims, I am. 

Helen - Really? 

(at school) 

Boy - So, like, what do you like to do after school? 

Quinn - Oh, nothing special, go to the movies, or like, a theme park, or out for a really fancy meal now and then, and maybe go to a concert if like, I know someone who has good seats and is renting a limo and stuff. 

Jane - You hear that? He's hasn't got a prayer. 

Daria - Tell me about it. That's my sister. 

Jane - Oh, bummer. 

Boy - So, you got any brothers and sisters? 

Quinn - I'm an only child. 

(in self-esteem class) 

Mr. O'Neill - So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves? Anyone? 

(boy raises hand) 

Mr. O'Neill - Yes? 

Boy - We're... talking about us! 

Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! When we're talking about ourselves, we're talking about us! Now guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um, you. What's a day dream that you would like to see come true? 

Daria - Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together. 

Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! 

Daria - Something that'll really make them suffer. 

Mr. O'Neill - Um, well, it's healthy to have these feelings, I think. We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed! 

Jane - Nice one. 

Daria - Thanks. 

(At home, sitting around the dinner table) 

Jake - How's the old self-esteem going, kiddo? 

Daria - My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life as child epithets like "kiddo" is probably the source of my problem. 

Jake - Really? 

Daria - No. 

Jake - Ha ha ha, isn't she great? She's the greatest! 

Helen - She sure is. But what does your self-esteem teacher say? 

Daria - He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child, and replicate them. But I supposed Quinn's here to stay. 

Quinn - What's that supposed to mean? 

Daria - You oughta know. You're the only child. 

Quinn - How do you like to have a sister with, a thing! 

Helen - Come on Daria, finish what you were saying. 

Daria - Well I thought, why don't we go to Pizza Forest for dinner like we did when we were kids! 

Quinn - The place with the singers? 

Daria - Boy, do I miss those songs. 

(at the Pizza Forest) 

Animals - (singing "Row, row, row you boat") Join us! Now you! Your turn! Jump in! 

Daria - Row, row, row your boat! 

(commercial break) 

(at Jane's house, watching SSW) 

Daria - Show's on. 

Jane - (turns off music, turns up TV) 

SSW - And now back to Sick, Sad World. 

SSW Lady - This is just astounding - here you are, blind, deaf, and barely able to walk! Yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with 3 members of the royal family! The question on all of America's mind's is, how did you do it? 

Man - What? 

Jane - She doesn't get it. It's the royal family. You'd have to be blind. 

Daria - Good point. 

SSW Lady - UFO Conventions. Once smears as the domain of so-called kooks have become big, big business! Drawing hundreds of thousands of people each year, people as sane and rationale as you and I, who come simply to satisfy a normal curiosity. 

Arty - Hi, I'm Arty. 

SSW Lady - Arty, hello. Tell me what brought you here Arty. 

Arty - It was a cone-shaped craft about 15 feet long with an airspeed about mock 12. They kidnapped me and stripped me, examined my briefly, returned my clothes, and brought me here. 

SSW Lady - Oh, I see. 

Arty - They pressed my pants, did a nice job... 

Daria - You know all the answers on the release test, right? 

Jane - I've got it in my notebook. 

Daria - Why don't we just take the test tomorrow, and get out of the class once and for all. 

Jane - How would I spend my afternoons? 

Daria - UFO Conventions. 

Jane - Now you're talking. 

(in self-esteem class) 

Mr. O'Neill - Now, for tomorrow, I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it. 

Boy - Mr. O'Neill, Mr. O'Neill! 

Mr. O'Neill - Yes, uh... you. 

Boy - It that if we've never been born? Or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly? 

Mr. O'Neill - Never been born. See you all tomorrow! 

(Daria and Jane come up to Mr. O'Neill) 

Mr. O'Neill - Hi! Did you need any clarification on something we covered today? 

Daria - We feel really good about ourselves. 

Jane - We want to take the graduation test. 

Mr. O'Neill - Well, I'm glad you self-image meter is on the up-tick! But there's still three more weeks of class left! 

Daria - This first week has been a real eye opener. It must be the way you teach. 

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, thank you very much. (looks at Jane) You know, you look familiar somehow... 

Daria - So can we take the test? 

Mr. O'Neill - Well, it's not the way we usually do it but I guess so. Okay, question one. Self-esteem is important because... 

Daria - It's a quality that will stand us in good stets for the rest of our lives. 

Mr. O'Neill - Very good. Now, the next time I feel bad about myself... 

Jane - Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye, and say, "You are special. No one else is like you." 

Mr. O'Neill - You two really have been paying attention. Okay, there's no such thing... 

Jane - As the right weight. 

Daria - Or the right height. 

Jane - There's only what's right for me. 

Daria - Because me is who I am. 

Mr. O'Neill - I don't think we have to go any further. I am really pleased. I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly. 

(at the assembly) 

Ms. Li - And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more than 400 dollars which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we will get that money back. In a related note the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. O'Neill has some very exciting news about our after school self-esteem class. 

Daria - This is really gonna help me ease into student life. 

Jane - Usually when I have this dream, I'm wearing pink taffeta. 

Mr. O'Neill - Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's break fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until one day you go to shift gears, and nothing happens. 

Student - That's the transmission fluid! 

Mr. O'Neill - That's what I said, anyway, I'd like you to meet two students who have completed the self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before. Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. 

(audience class) 

Jane Lane - (mumbles) Oh, what the hell. (walks up to podium) I just want to say, how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem give me even more self-esteem. On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel kinda bad, like a big failure or something... I, um, I wanna go home! (runs off stage) 

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, wait! (runs after Jane) 

Daria - No one can battle a problem like low self-esteem on their own. 

Boy - Who cares about these losers. 

Corey - Beats algebra though, doesn't it? He he he he he. Did you hear what I said Quinn? I said like, who cares how bad this is, it's still better than algebra! He he he he he he! 

Quinn - Funny. That's funny, Corey. 

Daria - ...realizing my actuality. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support, from teachers, from friends, and most of all, from family. 

Corey - Is that loser still talking? He he he he he he.

Daria - So the one person I would like to thank more than any other is my very own sister Quinn Morgendorffer. My sister Quinn has forgotten more about self-esteem than I'll ever know. Are you out there sis? Stand up and let me thank you.

Corey - That like, brain is your sister?

Boy - Are you a brain too?

(at home, sitting around the dinner table)

Quinn - So then she stands up in front of the whole school and makes a big deal about thanking me.

Helen - That's really sweet Daria. 

Jake - Good for you Honey. 

Quinn - Ahhh! I'll have to go lock myself in my room until I die! I'll never talk to anyone for the rest of my life! (phone rings) That's for me! Hello? Matthew? 

Jake - What was she upset about exactly? 

Daria - She felt I should have thanked you and mom as well. 

Helen - No, we should thank you for being such a great kid. Graduating from self-esteem school three weeks early is quite an achievement. 

Daria - Maybe we should all go out and celebrate! 

Helen - Oh, I'd love to Daria, but... (holds up planner) 

Jake - Yeah, take a raincheck though! 

Daria - I dunno, my self-esteem feels like it's starting to slip... 

(at the UFO convention) 

Daria - Let's go get our picture taken with the cardboard alien. 

Jake - Ah, sure honey, whatever you want.

Helen - Quinn? 

Quinn - I'll wait here. Or in the lady's room. Or maybe out in the parking lot. 

Jake - Okay, we'll be right back! 

Arty - Hi! I'm Arty! You're cool... 

Quinn - Mom? Dad? You guys, wait up!