(in the car)

Jake - (singing) I've been working on the railroad... Come on guys, we know this one!

(sound of car hitting animal)

Quinn - Daddy!

Jake - It was dead already sweetheart, just like the others!

Quinn - How do you know?

Daria - You didn't hear any screaming did you?

Quinn - I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.

Daria - What about the unpopular animals?

Quinn - Unpopular animals don't count.

Daria - What about the stupid ones?

Helen - Come on girls, we'll be at Susan and Dunst's soon.

Daria - Hooray.

Jake - It'll be fun! You can hang out with Ramona!

Daria - Ramona's three.

(at Susan and Dunst's house)

Helen - Daria on the other hand is more of a late bloomer. Socially. And there's nothing wrong with that, right honey?

Quinn - (to Ramona) Goo goo, ga ga! Goo goo, ga ga! Ramona! Ramona! Goo goo, ga ga!

(Ramona wipes snot onto Quinn's jeans)

Quinn - Ewww!

Ramona - (going up to Helen with book) Read me.

Helen - Isn't she darling. What is she reading now? (sees book title - My First SAT Study Guide)

Susan - We have to think about college application time. I mean, it's so hard to get into a good school now! What are you guys doing about it?

(in the car)

Daria - One more time. I am not taking a college prep course. Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.

(Jake swerves the car and almost crashes into another car)

Helen - Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion!

Quinn - Way to go Mom! She can't get her way all the time.

Helen - Actually Quinn it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.

Quinn - Wait a minute!

Daria - Maybe we can sit together.

(in the college prep course)

Teacher - Today's admission standards are rigorous as ever. That's why...

Jane - Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go. Television counts as a place.

Teacher - Okay, okay! Topic one. Testing. You have to know how to take a test. Like, when you get a multiple choice question, you can usually eliminate two of the answers right off.

Brittany - Excuse me, sir? Does that work with true/false?

Teacher - (sighs) Okay this is an informational sheet push comes to love gets sent to 600 leading colleges. It's called "my personal goals and aspirations."

Kevin - Psst! Daria! Whatcha get for number one?

Daria - The thing about, "who I really am?"

Kevin - Yeah!

Daria - Try crossdresser.

Kevin - Thanks man, I owe you one.

Teacher - The goal of this sheet is to help you focus on what you want out of college.

(Kevin starts to day dream of him walking past bigger college football players. He snaps out of it and starts to day dream about walking past smaller college football players.)

Girl - Kevin, thank you for the beautiful roses!

Kevin - Oh it was nothing, my high school girlfriend sent them to me!

Girl - Ha ha ha, what a child!

(Brittany starts to day dream of walking down a runway in a graduation outfit with a man singing about her.)

Kevin - (in audience) Brittany! You're the only girl I ever loved! Will you marry me?

(Brittany ignores Kevin and he is dragged away by bodyguards.)

(Jane starts to day dream about being in an art studio)

Man - This is all quite amazing! How could you afford such a place in New York?

Jane - I used the money my parents saved up for college.

Man - Brilliant! Just like your art!

(Quinn starts to day dream about meeting her roommates)

Guy in towel - Hey, this must be the new roommate. Guys!

Preppy Guy - Excellent! The new roommate!

Cowboy Guy - Howdy roomy!

Quinn - Hi!

Guy in towel - All right guy, best man wins!

(three guys start to fight)

(Daria starts to day dream about college)

College Teacher - Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshman year, but I wondered if you would consider transferring to the graduate school.

Daria - I'm not really sure I'd want to be a professional student.

College Teacher - But I don't want you to study, I want you to teach.

Daria - Well...

College Teacher - Not here of course, on our Paris college.

Daria - Oh! Okay!

College Teacher - Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry out affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates! Thank you!

Daria - How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

(at home, sitting around the dinnertable)

Daria - Then we filled out this work sheet and that was pretty much it. Money well spent. Since it wasn't my money.

Quinn - You left out the best part.

Daria - Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part for you.

Quinn - It's not a date, we're meeting to discuss scholarship options.

Jake - Scholarship! Way to go sweetie!

Daria - There's no such thing as a making out scholarship.

Quinn - Ahh, I think he would know better than you. Anyway, the best part I meant, was the trip.

Jake - What trip?

Quinn - We have to visit a college. Of our choosing.

Helen - Great! We'll go to Middleton!

Jake - We'll head up to the old alma motto this weekend!

Quinn - Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said that you had to come.

Helen - But Quinn, you father and I would love it if you followed in our footsteps.

Quinn - We're walking? Ugh!

Daria - Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.

(commercial break)

(at Middleton College)

Jake - God, the whole place has hardly changed a bit! Hey, hey my man! Toss me that disk dudes!

Guys - Get a life!

Jake - Cool! Maybe next time! College punks...

Heather - Hi! Are you the Morgendorffers? I'm your tour guide Heather! Welcome to Middleton!

Jake - Hey Heather! What's up?

Heather - Um, shall we get started? These buildings date from when Middleton was a colonial religious college. Back then, the all male student body attended chapel twice a day and endured whippings as punishment for impure thoughts.

Jake - What a bunch of stiffs they must have been girls. (Water balloon gets thrown on Jake's head.) Damnit! I'll kill you college scum!

Heather - But, Middleton's time honored tradition Tom Foolery, continues.

Helen - Jake, honey? Didn't that balloon just come out of your old dorm window?

Jake - What? Hey I think you're right! Come on, let's go take a look at the old cell - I'm sure we have time before we go see the old Bursar. Girls?

Daria - I'm sure we'd only get in the way.

Heather - Okay, next is the old bell tower in the center of campus, the historical meeting place of the...

Quinn - That sounds really interesting and all. What historic street are all the fraternities on?

Daria - My sister wants to study group psychology.

Heather - Right.

(on street with fraternities)

Quinn - At last! College!

Girl - Aren't you a pheta pledge?

Quinn - Well, um, yes! Yes I am!

Girl - Then you better get over there and help clean the house steps! Or the counsel of ancients will give you a noodle whipping you won't soon forget.

Daria - It's nice that they keep some of the old traditions.

Quinn - Yes mame. I was just directing these girls to the hair and nail salon. You know, community service.

Girl - You're excused. But make it quick! Do you have your scrub brush?

Quinn - No mame.

Girl - Good luck, pledge. (hands Quinn a toothbrush)

Daria - Quinn, you're in high school.

Quinn - Listen Daria! I don't stop you from reading, don't stop me from this.

Heather - (lighting cigarette) She's God's problem now kid, let's get out of here, this place gives me the creeps.

(in Jake's old dorm room)

Helen - Well, it smells like your old dorm room.

Jake - Hey guys, what's going down? You know, I think this might have been my crib when I went here. It's crib now, right? (no one answers) We're just gonna have a quick looksy okay? Okay!

Helen - How refreshing, to see someone doing school work.

Boy at Computer - Actually, I'm sending an erotic letter to a female inmate I met on the internet. I think she's female...

Helen - Remember when I used to walk through the court yards? You and all the other guys would lean out the window and shout out obscene comments. College men. Animals. Quinn! (runs out)

Jake - Don't worry men, situation under control. Hey can any of you dudes tell me how to get to Bursar's office? (no one answers) Okay, no problem, I'll find it myself.

(in Heather's room. watching SSW)

Daria - So this is college?

Heather - Pretty much. There's also the part about working a stupid job and begging your parents for money.

Delivery Guy - Heather?

Heather - My psych term paper, finally! Nobody respects deadlines anymore.

Daria - (looks at it) You paid somebody to write this for you?

Heather - It was a collaboration. My part was to say how long it should be and when it was due.

Daria - But the first paragraph doesn't even make sense. How much did you pay for this?

Heather - 50 bucks.

Daria - I can fix this you for 10 bucks.

Heather - Really? Great!

Girl - Wow! You know anything about the civil war?

Other Girl - How about renaissance paintings?

Daria - What I don't know I can fake. But cash only, I don't take checks from college students.

(outside)

Helen - Her name's Quinn, and she looks, well, a lot like me. Some people say sisters even . Of course, I was a young mother. Too young really. How old do you think I am?

Boy - Um, I don't really..

Helen - Forty... three! That is, in five years I'll be forty three! Seems like only yesterday I was partying with the best of them! I was pretty wild. Still am, when I feel like it. But you're a college man, I'm sure you know all about that.

Boy - Um, I'm just a freshman... We're not supposed to... I get headaches sometimes because I'm allergic to things... I have to go now bye!

Helen - Well if you see her tell her I'm looking for! College punk.

(in Assistant Bursar's office)

Jake - I just can't figure out what all this is paying for.

Bursar - I understand your feelings, Mr. Morgendorffer. Many of our parents experience similar sticker shock. That's why I refer a lot of our parents to this institution. It's not a bank. But a family business that understands family. They can set you up on a cash loan on very agreeable terms.

Jake - What's this address?

Bursar - It's a candy store! That's their business. They sell candy. And make loans. Oh, and haul trash. They have many interests actually. You play the ponies Jake?

(commercial break)

(in a dorm room)

Daria - Okay look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you. But I will give you a couple tips that will help you rewrite it. The book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it. Anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your theses on something he said while making out.

Girl - Hmm. What about something he said when we broke up?

Daria - No.

Girl - Hmm. Okay. Thanks.

Daria - Thank you. And good luck with the Doctorate.

Heather - You seem pretty comfortable with the brain dead. So, let's go to a party.

(outside)

Boy - Excuse me mame, can I trouble you for your underwear?

Helen - Say what?

Boy - Your panties! May I have them?

Helen - Why you little bastard! Oh, wait a minute, hold on here. Are you in a fraternity?

Boy - Yes mame. Sigma stigmata. A.K.A Sigma your mama.

Helen - This is a prank isn't it.

Boy - Sort of mame. You see, it's a Stigmata tradition to hang a Middleton woman's panties on the flagpole.

Helen - You guys.

Boy - But since we moved off campus - we've found that student panties aren't big enough to be seen from the quad. I've been observing you mame, and I think your underwear just might do the trick!

Helen - Do the trick! I'll do the trick to you, you little twirp! Stupid frat geek!

Jake - Helen! Helen! Terrible news!

Helen - Oh my God the girls.

Jake - No, no. Tuition... crippling expense... maybe we can just send... one of them... Quinn go to beauty school.

Helen - Jake, get a grip. Right now we don't even know where they are!

Jake - Right... then let's go... campus police.

Helen - The fuds?

Jake - We're parents. Now, police good. Missing daughters bad.

Helen - You're right, those poor kids are probably scared to death.

(at a frat house)

Quinn - Okay, I can't play the game for you, but I will give you a couple of tips so you can play. As you start counting off, for any number that has a three in it or a multiple of three in it, you say "zoom." Every multiple of seven, or a number with a seven in it, you say "shwartz."

Frat guy 1 - Can't we just play the one with the quarters?

Quinn - But you look so cute when you say funny words. Besides, shouldn't you be saving your quarters for taking us out?

Frat guy 1 - One.

Frat guy 2 - Two.

Frat guy 3 - Zoom.

Quinn - Good.

(outside)

Frat Guys - (surrounding Quinn) Keg Queen, keg queen!

Heather - Ah. They've chosen the Keg Queen. It's a huge honor. She gets to drive the kegs to and from the distributor.

Daria - Wait a minute. That's no Queen. That's my sister. And she doesn't even have her learner's permit.

(police come with Helen and Jake)

Helen - Quinn, what did they do to you?

Quinn - They made me their Queen! Isn't it great?

Daria - I think now is a great time to teach Quinn a lesson about personal responsibility.

Helen - Young lady, as the elder sister I hold you partially to blame

Daria - But I stayed with the tour guide.

Heather - Hi.

Police - Are these your daughters Mr. Morgendorffer.

Jake - Yes officer, thank you for your help.

Police - They appear to be underage sir.

Jake - Well of course they're under...

Quinn - Don't worry Daddy, I have ID

Police - We have strict rules about minors at fraternity parties. I'm afraid I'll have to escort you off the campus. Immediately.

Jake - But...

Police - Don't make me use the cuffs, Mr. Morgendorffer.

Frat Guy - Can we keep her?

Helen - You certainly can not!

Frat Guy - Then can we have your underwear?

Helen - You son of a...

(in college prep class)

Teacher - Okay, okay. So, like, let's all talk about our college experiences.

Kevin - My big brothers stripped me naked and covered me with molasses and left me in a the middle of the field over night!

Brittany - I had a good time too! I walked into the student center and these kids were reading poetry, and then they let me make up my own! And they were really interested in my feelings and thoughts and... stuff.

Kevin - Oh. That sounds stupid.

Brittany - Shut up, naked boy.

Teacher - How about you?

Mack - I learned about the first ring exemption. Turns out that if you make the starting squad, you never have to take any exams.

Teacher - All right!

Mack - Yeah. I'm looking forward to a great education. May I please have my money back now?

Teacher - He, he. And you too - how did you like the famous Middleton college?

Quinn - Daria got us thrown out.

Daria - I got us thrown out. I beg to differ, Keg Queen.

Kevin - Keg Queen! Can I have your autograph?

Quinn - Dream on, naked boy.

Teacher - Wow, wow, wait a minute! You got thrown out of Middleton? I just can't understand you kids sometimes. In my day we had a little something called respect.

Kevin - Uh, are we going to need to know this or is this personal advice or something?

(walking home)

Jane - Thrown out of college without enrolling first. I'm damn proud of you.

Daria - Thanks.

Jane - How's business?

Daria - Booming. I've got two econ problem sets and a paper on Kerouac that I have to get to a delivery guy by 9pm. And then, I quit.

Jane - But you're just getting started.

Daria - I already feel burnt out on college, and I'm still in high school.

(at home, in the living room)

Jake - Hey Daria! Come on in!

Daria - Uh... What happened?

Quinn - Nothing, only somebody in this family turned out to be college material.

Helen - Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida.

Quinn - Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Mine won.

Jake - I'm so proud of you honey.

Quinn - Manatee. It sounds kind of European, don't you think?

Daria - Uh, did you guys read this letter?

Helen - Yes, and it says right there that she's in.

Daria - And here at the bottom it says, "Manatee college has no classes but offers beach front accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester.

Quinn - That's even better than we thought, right Dad?

Jake - Give me that!

(doorbell rings)

Frat Guy - Hi Sir. This is something for your daughter, Daria. She wrote a paper for me.

Jake - And she made you pay in cash.

Frat Guy - Yes sir.

Jake - Good girl.

Helen - Jake!

Frat Guy - Hi Mame, remember me?

Helen - No! (slams door)

(at pizza place)

Daria - By the way, you mind paying for this?

Jane - What happened to all your paper writing money?

Daria - My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She says it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them

Jane - So she's giving up being a lawyer?

Daria - I asked her that. And I'm sure that one day we will once again be on speaking terms.

Jane - All in all then, the whole college experience kinda sucked.

Daria - Pretty much.

Jane - Does that mean, these are the best years of our lives?

Daria - I hope not.

Quinn - (throwing drink on teacher's face) Ugh! I should've known Daria was right about that making out scholarship.

Daria - But you gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments.