(computers from alt.lawndale.com get stolen)

(in the hallway)

Kevin - Come on Mack Daddy! I’ll get the coach to write us a note. I'll say we need extra time on the free weights.

Mack - Don't call me that, okay? He's not gonna excuse you from English for weight training.

Kevin - I can't take anymore of this Shakespeare dude bro. He's like, a total chick writer!

Brittany - (walking by) Hi Mack! Hi Romeo...

Kevin - See?

Mack - Maybe we'll start Hamlet today. That has a skull in it.

Kevin - Really?

Daria - (going to her locker) Excuse me.

Kevin - Daria, you're a chick, right?

Daria - Why? You have a biology test today?

Kevin - Like, why would I be interested in anything that Shakespeare guy says?

Daria - You? Well, Hamlet has a skull in it.

(in English class)

Mr. O'Neill - Class, I thought we'd take a break from the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet and discuss the real life tragedy that happened here in Lawndale. Let's share our feelings of violation following the loss of Lawndale's cybercafe - alt.lawndale.com. Who would like to start? Charles? Charles, did you hear me?

Kevin - You mean, Kevin?

Mr. O'Neill - Kevin, I'm sorry. You uh, look like somebody else. What do you have to say about last night's horrible event?

Kevin - I was home all night. You can ask my parents. Besides, I already have a computer.

Mr. O'Neill - No Kevin, I mean how did it make you feel?

Kevin - Um, sad?

Mr. O'Neill - Are you asking me or telling me.

Kevin - Angry?

Mr.O'Neill - Hmmm... Jodie, how about you?

Jodie - I think the cybercafe served one very particular segment of the community. But it still pisses me off when people take what isn't theirs.

Kevin - That's how I feel!

Mr. O'Neill - Thank you, Kevin. About that word, community. Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercafe? To jack us in to the global community? What's most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree Jane?

Jane - No.

Mr. O'Neill - Suddenly we're cut off. We can't hail our friends across the globe and say, "It's a beautiful day in the cyberhood." They didn't just take a few computers. They took a symbol of our virtual community. To visit alt.lawndale.com was to come together with the planet!

Daria - Oh, come on.

Mr. O'Neill - Yes?

Daria - Come together with the planet? By staring at a screen for hours? Sitting in a room full of people you never say a word to?

Mr. O'Neill - Interesting point, Dorian.

Daria - Daria.

Mr. O'Neill - (kills spider on desk) Damn spiders. Daria. You believe that while connecting Lawndale citizens with global neighbors, the cafe was alienating us from each other.

Daria - I'm saying if you really miss the place, put a Mr. Coffee in the computer lab.

Mr. O'Neill - So, in your opinion, what we really need is a return to the traditional coffee house of yore, where you'd watch some performers and share a cup with your friends face to face.

Jane - You're a visionary.

Mr. O'Neill - Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality.

Daria - You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?

Mr. O'Neill - The coffee house! We'll plan it, locate it, raise money for it, and open it!

Daria - Would this qualify as an extracurricular activity?

Mr. O'Neill - Of course.

Daria - Then I'd like to register as a conscience objector.

(at home)

Helen - (walking by) Hi! Gotta change, dinner meeting.

Jake - Did something happen?

Daria - Hmm... depends on your perspective.

Quinn - (walking by) Hi! No dinner for me! Emergency meeting at the fashion club!

Daria - I'll make up a nice plate for you and cover it up with cling wrap.

Jake - That was Quinn.

Daria - Yes, but you still haven't our first mystery guest.

Helen - Damnit. I just called Eric for directions and he said the dinner's canceled. Well that just gives us a chance for a family dinner.

Daria - I'll throw another steak on the grill.

(Quinn walks out)

Helen - Where's she going?

Daria - Emergency meeting at the fashion club. Someone woke up with frosted hair.

Helen - You know Daria it wouldn't hurt if you got involved in some after school projects once in a while.

Daria - Can't talk now, I'm cheering a meeting of the rusting quietly club.

Helen - I'm serious. When you apply to college, they'll be looking for that kind of thing. Right Jake?

Jake - Hmm.

Daria - They're going to be looking to see whether I can pay for school. This might be a good time to talk about setting up a trust?

Helen - Jake, tell her. Tell her!

Jake - Yes, what?

Helen - About the importance of extracurricular activities to get into college.

Jake - Oh. Well these days it's more about whether you can pay.

Helen - You're not helping me.

Daria - Have you thought about a living will, Dad?

Jake - Do you think I need one?

Helen - Just think about it, Daria. That's all I ask.

Daria - Fair enough.

Helen - Because otherwise we might have to make up for it over the summer. Send you to music camp.

Daria - You wouldn't.

Jake - What a great idea. How come you don't play the flute anymore Daria?

Daria - Because you ran over it when I was in fifth grade. Which was a year after I quit playing anyway. Which is why I would have to interpret music camp as punishment for doing something very, very wrong.

Helen - Nonsense, it's just an easy way of getting extracurricular activities on your college application. If you weren't able to come up with any on your own.

Daria - You're good. When you put your mind to it, you're very, very good.

Jake - Sure she is!

Helen - You're find something to get involved with. It'll be fun.

Jake - Where's Quinn?

(commercial break)

(in Mr. O'Neill's classroom)

Daria - It's Daria.

Mr. O'Neill - Right! Daria. What's up?

Daria - I want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse.

Mr. O'Neill - Fantastic! What made you change your mind?

Daria - Did anyone ever make you practice "Pop goes the Weasel" on the flute every day for a year?

Mr. O'Neill - Um, no... But I once had to recite the Gettysburg address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said "Tuesday" - whatever made me want to join a fraternity. Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your essays.

Daria - No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing.

Mr. O'Neill - Maybe that one about being a big misfit whom everybody hates. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do.

Daria - I don't think that would be a great idea. That's the one that compares the sophomore class to barnyard animals. It names names.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh yeah.

Daria - I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising?

Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Well, we're selling magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump in!

Daria - Can I go with my friend Jane?

Mr. O'Neill - Sure! She wants to help out?

Daria - Umm Hmm. She's a big joiner.

(at Jane's house)

Jane - No way baby.

Daria - Come on. Do it for friendship.

Jane - I have no friends. I walk alone.

Daria - Well then do it for sisterhood or something.

Jane - Are you nuts.

Daria - Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.

Jane - I'm bringing a Polaroid.

(in the neighborhood)

Brittany - This is fun!

Kevin - Yeah, people get a kick out of seeing someone from the Lawndale Lions.

Brittany - You're so smart to wear your jersey Kevin.

Kevin - Awww...

(they go up to a house and ring the doorbell)

Brittany - Have you been practicing your lines for the coffeehouse?

Kevin - Awww, they give me a headache babe.

Brittany - Kevin, please learn them. Or I might give you a headache.

Kevin - What do you mean?

Mr. DeMartino - Well, well. Kevin and Brittany. What a delightful surprise.

Kevin - Ah, hi!

Mr. DeMartino - You've come, no doubt, to apologize for your academic performance.

Kevin - Um, no!

Brittany - But we are sorry about like our grades and stuff.

Mr. DeMartino - Well then, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Kevin - We're raising money for the new Lawndale young adult's coffee house! Would you like to buy some holiday wrapping paper?

Brittany - We've got religious, festive, and/or nondo-minational!

Kevin - That's non-dominational babe.

Brittany - Yeah! Non-dominational!

Mr. DeMartino - What an attractive offer. To bad the holidays aren't for months!

Kevin - How about a magazine subscription?

Brittany - Would you like to join a CD or Cassette club? 20 albums for a penny, and no obligation to buy, ever!

Kevin - How would you like to receive regular blooming flower seeds every month?

Mr. DeMartino - It's good to see you both enterprising! I could make a trite observation about wishing you were so enterprising toward your school work, as you are to in this effort to find financing for a new place to loot, but am I the sort of man, who engages in trite observations, Brittany?

Brittany - Umm... No?

Mr. DeMartino - Good Brittany, now, while you're on the roll, am I the sort of man who you suppose believes in under riding the indolence of students who already display the work habits of garden slugs?

Brittany - Uh... I'll take no again?

Mr. DeMartino - Very good Brittany. Now Kevin, given what we have learned from Brittany's razor sharp observations, Kevin is there anything more you would like to say before leaving my front doorstep in an uncomfortable hurry!

Kevin - Ummm, do you wanna buy a chocolate bar?

(at Danny's house)

Quinn - Hi! I'm selling long distance phone cards.

Danny - I just use a credit card.

Quinn - Oh. Well, are you really happy with the service?

Danny - Um, it's fine.

Quinn - I mean, are you really happy?

Danny - I don't get you. Why shouldn't I be?

Quinn - I mean like, are you ever like really looking forward to talking to someone and you can't hear them because of crackling and static?

Danny - Not...

Quinn - I mean, I know that if I were your friend, I'd want to listen to you, not some static. I mean, you have a really nice voice. Your friend should be able to hear it.

Danny - Thank you.

Quinn - Just pretend you're calling me

Danny - What?

Quinn - Really, just try it. My name's Quinn. What's your name?

Danny - Danny.

Quinn - So, call me Danny.

Danny - Hello? Uh, Quinn?

Quinn - Danny? Is that you?

Danny - Hi! Quinn?

Quinn - Speak up Danny, I can't hear you.

Danny - Hi! Quinn? It's me, Danny.

Quinn - I've been thinking about you all day. The way your hair falls over your eyes when you laugh. I can't get it out of my head.

Danny - Really?

Quinn - You gotta speak up Danny. Listen, do you want to come over tonight? My folks went away for the whole weekend.

Danny - Yeah! I mean, sure Quinn.

Quinn - Oh, that's okay Danny, I understand. I'll see if Pete wants to come over.

Danny - But I said...

Quinn - Bye!

Danny - Wait!

Quinn - Click. See what can happen with bad long distance service Danny?

Danny - Who's Pete?

(at Mrs. Johanson's house)

Daria - Um, hi. I'm selling chocolate bars for the new student coffeehouse.

Mrs. Johanson - new coffeehouse?

Jane - Our cybercafe got trashed.

Mrs. Johanson - Well, I enjoy chocolate. Doctor says I'm not supposed to have too much of it, but he wouldn't mind if it's for a good cause. Just a second girls.

Daria - Are you okay?

Mrs. Johanson - Yeah, just, I was in the basement when the doorbell rang. Need to catch my breath a little. How many chocolate bars you got there?

Daria - We've got about 2 boxes. That's 24.

Mrs. Johanson - Tell you what, I'll take all of them.

Jane - All of them, really?

Daria - You sure that's okay with your doctor?

Mrs. Johanson - As long as he don't know about it! Now where's that purse. (coughs, faints, and falls to ground)

(commercial break)

Daria - Uh-oh.

Jane - Did she hit her head?

Daria - I don't know.

Jane - Do you know CPR or anything?

Daria - Nah, I once gave the Heimlich Maneuver to Quinn.

Jane - Did it work?

Daria - She wasn't choking.

Jane - We should be doing something now. I'm sure of it.

Daria - Yeah, I think you're right.

(Jane takes a picture)

Mrs. Johanson - Damn hypoglycemia. I'm sorry girls, I'm holding up the works. Okay now. How much each are these chocolate bars?

Daria - Ma'am, I'm not sure I can sell you any chocolate bars.

Mrs. Johanson - What's the matter, my money's not good enough for you?

Daria - It's not that, it's just... maybe it's not such a good idea.

Mrs. Johanson - Give me those chocolate bars!

Jane - Thank you for the offer though ma'am. And for caring about the students of Lawndale High.

Daria - We could call the doctor or the hospital if you like, otherwise, we'll be going.

Mrs. Johanson - I don't need a damn doctor, I need a damn chocolate bar! I'll pay 5 bucks a piece.

Daria - Have a nice day ma'am.

Mrs. Johanson - I want those chocolate bars! Damnit!

Jane - Five bucks a piece. We would have made over a hundred bucks.

Daria - Yeah, and all we had to do was take a human life.

Jane - You always see the downside don't you.

(in the principal's office)

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jane, Daria, Jane.

(Daria and Jane come in)

Ms. Li - Come in Miss. Morgendorffer, Miss. Lane. Sit down. The school received a phone call this morning from a Mrs. Johanson, she said two girls came to her door to sell her chocolate bars and suddenly refused to do so. Hmph. Even after she offered 5 dollars a bar. Or more than twice the asking twice.

Daria - She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would've killed her.

Jane - She passed out while we were standing there.

Ms. Li - Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate?

Daria - No...

Ms. Li - How do you know it wasn't for her family?

Jane - She has no family. She ate them.

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jean, we're two hundred dollars short of what we need to open the coffeehouse.

Ms. Li - So your refusal to sell chocolate to this woman was based purely on concern for her welfare.

Daria - And not wanting to do time for manslaughter.

Ms. Li - You have no overall problem with raising money for the coffeehouse?

Daria - I believe in coffee, coffee for everyone. But I don't want to sell chocolate anymore. It makes me feel dirty.

Jane - The bad kind of dirty.

Ms. Li - Well, I can't force you to do fundraising. But I can't give you credit for participating in the coffee house project either.

Mr. O'Neill - Wait, Daria, what about what we discussed? Reading something on opening night.

Daria - I don't think so.

Ms. Li - You do want this extracurricular activity don't you?

Jane - Pop goes the weasel...

Daria - Fine.

Mr. O'Neill - Fabulous!

Ms. Li - Although I still don't know where we're going to find that 200 dollars. Maybe some of the freshman volunteers will make up for some of it.

Quinn - (walks in) You got anymore of those phone cards?

(at Daria's house)

Daria - How about, "The Bleakness that Lies Ahead?"

Jane - Too sentimental.

Daria - "No Life, No Hope, No Future?"

Jane - Too pie in the sky.

Daria - "Mommy's Little Hypocrite."

Jane - Too much like a children's book.

Daria - I wish I were dead.

Jane - Now that sounds promising. Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heavy, potent, seductive.

Daria - Are you marketing your own fragrance now? I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion.

(at the coffeehouse)

Guy with guitar - Can't stand your lips, can't stand your eyes, can't stand your teeth, can't stand your thighs, the girl I love... (smashes guitar on stage)

Brittany - Oh Romeo, Romeo! Where for art thou Romeo?

Kevin - I'm right here babes!

Brittany - Deny thy father and refuse thy name! Or thou will not be sworn my love and I will no longer be a Capulet!

Kevin - Hey! Yo! I'm down here! Check it out!

Brittany - Check it out? You promised to learn your lines, you clown! And what's that skull for?

Kevin - The skull's cool.

Andrea - I'm here. But where are you? Sure I see your body. Anybody home in that rotting bag of flesh?

Jane - See, you don't want to do poetry for this crowd.

Daria - You think it's too late for me to learn juggling?

Mr. O'Neill - Thank you very much, Andrea. It takes a lot of courage to expose your raw emotions that way. Now, speaking of raw emotions, it's my pleasure to introduce one of Lawndale High's most gifted writers. Daria Morgendorffer.

Daria - Thank you. Tonight I'd like to read you a new story I've written entitled, "Where The Future Takes Us."

Brittany - You insensitive jerk!

Kevin - Ow!

Daria - As students standing at the dawn of a brand new century, we face certain choices, how do we prepare for the future? Melody Powers knew how she was going to prepare, as she checked the fit on her tooled leather shoulder holster. She thought about all the communists she would be taking out tonight. Melody harbored no illusions about unilaterally stemming the resurging red tide, but she reflected with a grim smile, what special agent could resist the opportunity to fill a few Bolshevik cemetery's. As Melody sun-bathed on the Rio beach she looked back over the last few days with a certain quiet satisfaction, twelve dead Russians, five dead Chinese, and three of four dead Cubans. The world was once again safe for democracy she reflected, while watching Tonio's exquisite chest rise and fall with his light snoring. Safe for democracy, or almost safe. Melody brushed some errant grains of sand from her fingers, tied her top back on and reached into her beach bag, Tonio heard nothing and that was a pity, because he would never hear anything again. So long Tonio, she thought as she calmly stood up. I could have loved you if you weren't as red as the blood stain now spreading across the sand. Melody walked calmly away to the hotel, there would be a message there from HQ no doubt. She hoped she had time to shower.

(audience cheers)

(at home)

Jake - (reading newspaper) Cafe Lawndale closed until further notice. Isn't that the coffeehouse you were working for?

Daria - Yeah, but I already got my extra credit. They can't take it away now.

Jake - School officials decided to close their new young adult coffeehouse after their opening night somehow turned into a anti-Communist rally? Some unscheduled propaganda went on and some students reacted too favorably, explained coffeehouse director Timothy O'Neill, a teacher at Lawndale High.

Helen - Breakfast meeting at the Royalton's.

Daria - But you haven't even tasted my soufflé.

Jake - Following the reading of some right-wing literature, several members of the football marched down North Avenue, intending to stone the Russian Embassy, of course there are no Embassies in Lawndale. Wow, girls, did you know anything about this?

Quinn - I wasn't there, I had a real date.

Jake - "Teens are impressionable," O'Neill said, "and the last thing we need is to built a base of operations for political extremists." Daria, did you have any idea there were these kind of rivals here in town?

Daria - No, but we gotta maintain constant vigilance against those who manipulate us into taking actions we'd never do alone.

Jake - I'll say!

Daria - (hums "Pop Goes the Weasel")

(Lawndale Coffehouse gets burglarized)