Jake - A hundred miles, to go to mall? There's a mall 5 minutes away!

Helen - Sit down dear, we're not going.

Jake - OOOOh. Oh.

Quinn - It's not the mall, it's the super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop there forever!

Daria - If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says, imagine all the people, browsing in a mall. Isn't that weird?

Helen - It's too far away Quinn, and you've done enough shopping for this quarter.

Quinn - Mom! As vice-president of the fashion club, I need to know what's out there!

Jake - Vice-president? Did you know she was vice-president Helen?

Helen - Yes, Jake.

Jake - Of the fashion club!

Helen - Yes Jake. Vice-president of the fashion club.

Jake - Do you think this tie works?

Quinn - Hmm. It's nice Daddy. But I think a mandarin collar would really set off you strong jaw line. Now if you drive me to the Mall of the Millennium...

Helen - No more malls until you bring up your grade point average.

Jake - Exactly. What's wrong with her grade point average?

Quinn - How will I hold my head up in the fashion club?

Daria - A traction pulley?

Quinn - Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular...

Daria - Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.

Jake - Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Damnit!

Helen - Sit down Jake, it was a joke.

Jake - Oooh. Oh.

(in economics class)

Mrs. Bennet - In economics we call this what? We have a scenario of supply and demand where a new demand is created by a previous supply. Does everyone follow? Can anyone give me a concrete representation of this abstract theory? Daria?

Daria - If we're talking concrete, I'd have to go with the repository human greed and debasement. The mall.

Mrs. Bennet - Very good, Daria. The mall is a very beautiful illustration of all these economic principles. In fact, it would make an excellent field trip.

Kevin - All right! Field trip! Where we going man?

Daria - The field.

Kevin - All right!

Mrs. Bennet - We'll visit that brand new Mall of the Millennium. It's a perfect emblem of a modern day economic structure!

Daria - Um, I think that's a really bad idea.

Mrs. Bennet - Don't be silly Daria, it's your idea and it's perfect!

Jane - I second Daria. The mall is a dangerous influence on today's teens and the fluorescent lights give you seizures.

Mrs. Bennet - We'll take a vote. All in favor of a class trip to the mall in place of our usual surprise quiz?

(everyone but Daria and Jane cheer)

Mrs. Bennet - All oppose?

(Daria and Jane raise their hands)

Brittany - This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. I mean, between classes. I mean, what do I mean babe?

Kevin - What's the difference babe? You look hot.

Daria - I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennet. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.

Mrs. Bennett - What are you talking about, Daria?

Daria - If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

Mrs. Bennett - But you're in an enclosed space now.

Daria - Yes... and, I'm really itchy?

Jane - These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennet, I've seen them. They drip with puss. Just trying to help.

(on the school bus)

Kevin - Seventy one bottle of beer! If one of those bottles should fall off..

Brittany - Babe? That's a really cute song and all, but do you think you could stop for awhile?

Kevin - Sorry babe. We always sing that song on the team bus. Makes us fierce!

Brittany - You're not on the team bus now. I'm not your team mate. I'm your girlfriend! We talked about the difference, remember?

Kevin - Sorry...

Brittany - Would you rather do what we do? With your teammates?

Kevin - Blah!

Brittany - All right then.

(Kevin starts humming the song, and Brittany hits him)

Mrs. Bennet - Sealed in glass though it may be in it's own way the mall can be viewed as a living organism.

Kevin - Mack Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B just called the mall?

Mack - She said organism, that's not the same as orgasm! And stop me calling that okay?

Kevin - Babe! Did you hear what Mrs. B called the mall?

Brittany - Yeah...

(Kevin and Brittany start to make out)

Jodie - Do you think it would dishonor Dr. King's memory if I went to sit in the back of the bus?

Mack - At least he's not singing.

Upchuck - Hey sweet baby, how would you like to spend some do-re-me, eh? I need some models for this um... (sees Jane and Daria) Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card? Very advantageous when it belongs to your father! Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary. He he he he... But I need a couple of models. The two of you are about her size. What do you say girls?

Jane - Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards? Daria?

Daria - I feel sick. Can someone open a window?

Jane - I didn't know you got car sick.

Daria - I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like, it smells like...

Jane - Teen spirit?

Daria - Cheap perfume.

Jane - Brittany must be working up a sweat.

Mrs. Bennet - The modern day mall evolved when shop keepers, a.k.a. merchants, discovered the benefits to joining economic forces. Um, where was I?

Brittany - Mrs. B! Mrs. B!

Mrs. Bennet - What Brittany?

Brittany - Do you mind if we do a cheer?

Mrs. Bennet - Um, go ahead Brittany.

Kevin - Hey! How about a hundred bottles of... (Brittany hits him)

Brittany - Okay everybody, let's make it a keeper. Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Go class!

Kevin - Yeah!

(on the tram)

Announcer - Welcome to the Mall of the Millennium. The world's second or third largest mall...

Brittany - Kevin, not now, okay?

Kevin - Not now what babe?

Daria - I think I'm going to be sick.

Jane - Um, could it possibly wait?

Daria - I know I'm going to be sick? (she vomits)

Jane - Bien danetos a la Mall of the Millennium.

(commercial break)

Mrs. Bennet - We're in area B, section pink. And we need to get to area C, section orange. So, if we just bear right at area L, section blue... Oh wait, sorry, wrong level.

Kevin - Look Mack Daddy! The Sports Shorts! A whole store full of shorts for sports!

Mack - Uh-huh.

Mrs. Bennet - We'll walk down R moss, and turn right at Q canary. Please keep the flow people, please keep the flow.

Brittany - Who would ever guess there'd be so many colors. The person who thought them up must be a genius.

Jane - Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to puke green yet. (looks at Daria) Oh. Yeah.

Mrs. Bennet - Left at N Cranberry. Wait, is that cranberry or magenta? Jane, you're an artist.

Jane - It's cranapple.

Upchuck - Mrs. B? Can we stop for a minute at Bikini Island? I'd like to buy a few trifles for the ladies. And perhaps you'd care to pick out something for yourself.

Mrs. Bennet - Not now Charles. We'll be late for our meeting with the mall executives. I had to work very hard to arrange this. These are very busy people... Oh, oh, oooooh!

Upchuck - What is it Mrs. B?

Mrs. Bennet - The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits! Aren't they adorable? Look, it's a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit cactus! And look at that little rabbit with the Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit carrot!

(at the meeting)

Man - And of course, when you go to the mall, you look for what?

Upchuck - Bikinis! Make that lovely, luscious, ladies in bikinis!

Kevin - Yeah... (Brittany hits him) Ow!

Upchuck - Grrrl! Fiesty!

Jane - I always look for security guards leading away somebody in handcuffs - shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise.

Man - I meant more along the line of the quality you look for? The stores? What should they be like?

Brittany - Perky, a little bouncy, not too bouncy...

Man - What?

Brittany - What?

Jodie - I have a question. Do you think our demographics can really be judged by middle aged, middle management telling us what's fun to buy?

Man - How about you? How many times a year do you go to the mall?

Daria - Don't people get paid for participating in market research?

Man - Research?

Mrs. Bennet - Now Daria, these busy executives have been nice enough to give their time to help educate us on mall economics. Tell us about flow, would you?

Daria - I bet that's a two-way mirror.

Jane - You mean if you turn out the lights you can see through it?

Man - Oh, you don't want to do that. The focus group is a um, very important tool in mall management. We though that with this live demonstration...

Jodie - I feel used. I feel abused. I feel this is not a fun mall after all and the media should be made aware of it.

Man - All right little lady. How about a coupon for a free frozen yogurt?

Jodie - Don't insult me.

Man - Make it a ten dollar merchandise coupon?

Jane - You're still insulting her.

Man - Okay, a twenty dollar merchandise coupon for everyone in the class.

Daria - You don't get it do you. There's a principle involved.

Jodie - No there isn't.

Daria - So much for idealistic youth.

Jane - That's twenty bucks!

Kevin - Books by the ton. The country's biggest bookstore?

Upchuck - The Sports Shorts.

Jane - Scissor Wizard. I can actually use a new pair of scissors. Here Daria, I got one for you.

Daria - The Doo-Dad shop. The Doo-Dad shop. Oh good. I've always wanted my own Doo-Dad.

Mrs. Bennett - Daria and Jane, you'll observe traffic patterns at the food concession. And Kevin and Brittany, you will study and report back on shrinkage.

Kevin - What's shrinkage?

Mrs. Bennet - Shrinkage is the retailing term for shoplifting. I'd like you to analyze it's economic impact. Does everyone else understand their assignments? Now, we'll meet back here at quarter to three. Remember, area F, section moss, level 3. Got it? F moss 3.

Kevin - I know a good way to remember that.

Mrs. Bennet - You have a mnemonic device Kevin?

Kevin - It's not a S&M thing Mrs. B, it's just a way to remember that.

Mrs. Bennet - Well let's hear it.

Kevin - Fmossthree. Fmossthree! Get it? Fmossthree! Or was it Fmosstwo?

Mrs. Bennet - Everyone, write it down!

(at the food court)

Jane - Traffic patterns at the food concession.

Daria - I've noticed a pattern. People walk in looking hungry.

Jane - And leave, stuffing their face.

Daria - Assignment completed.

Jane - Now for extra credit, let's experience the traffic patterns for ourselves.

(over at a table)

Quinn - I know! A makeover project! We'll find some out of style nobody and make her look as good as us. Almost.

Sandi - That's so great Quinn. That is such a great idea. You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!

Quinn - Oh Sandi, I would never have had that idea if it weren't for you. You said, "The fashion club should do more for the community." You're a great leader.

Sandi - That's cuz you guys are such great leadettes.

Stacey - So we'll find like, a loser poster girl, to show that we really like, do stuff for people.

Tiffany - But if we do posters, shouldn't we be on them?

Sandi - We can have a fund raiser to buy her makeup.

Stacey - Cool, a party!

Guy - Can I come?

Quinn - Listen, Um, Guy, why don't you just wait in the car for us.

Guy - But you said if I drove you I could hang out with you.

Quinn - Oh all right! But don't try to participate, okay? We're in the middle of a meeting.

Stacey - Look! They'd be perfect!

Tiffany - Wow, you're right, they need help.

Quinn - Especially the one on the left - she really needs volumizer. And maybe some subtle streaks.

Sandi - And a little skort set! Have you seen the new skorts? Really cute.

Stacey - Is it a skirt or is it shorts? I love that.

Tiffany - I wonder if they make skorts for sports!

Quinn - (taps on Daria's shoulder) AAAAAHHH!

Daria - Good to see you too.

Daria - Well, what an unexpected opportunity for sibling bonding.

Quinn - I'm going to be sick.

Jane - Is that like a family thing?

Quinn - Just one sec guys, I'm gonna review our first makeover candidate.

Daria - I'm sure Mom and Dad will be really pleased to hear that I ran into you. Here at the mall. On a lovely school day.

Quinn - State your terms.

Daria - It's weird. I can't think of anything I'd want from you.

Quinn - How about a free makeover

Daria - No thanks, but I wouldn't mind taking it easy around the house for a month.

Quinn - A month?

Jane - I'd hold out for cold cash.

Daria - Or you can just never set your foot inside a mall for the rest of your sorry adolescent life. And a ride home from your little friend would be great. We aren't in the mood to take the bus back.

Quinn - Ugh! Fine! Meet us in an hour on level 5, area D, section lavender.

Daria - You got that?

Jane - The lavender 5. The lavender 5. Nothing to it.

Guy - Who was that girl?

Quinn - Look, you were hired to drive, not speak, okay?

Jane - You got us a ride home. Cool.

Daria - No, I blew it. I should've made them drive Upchuck home.

Jane - (sees Scissor Wizard) I can use my coupon.

Hairdresser - You got here just in time. (looks at Daria) You're almost in time.

Jane - I've got a coupon. (Hairdresser leads her to a chair) But I just wanted a pair of scissors.

Hairdresser - We don't sell scissors, we cut hair. Which show?

Jane - What?

Hairdresser - Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. You're more the movie of the week type. I have a TV Guide if you want to browse.

Jane - Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?

Hairdresser - No.

Daria - How about Animal Maulings on home video?

Jane - Yeah, I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by that kangaroo.

Daria - Really? She looks so, every day.

Jane - I mean after she was molested.

Daria - Ooh.

Jane - Make sure you get like the big clods of dirt in it and stuff.

Hairdresser - Listen, maybe you girls should come back another time, my next appointment is here.

Jane - What about my coupon? (hairdresser hands her mousse) Mousse?

Daria - Hey, how about that guy who was trampled by the moose?

Jane - Nah, his hair was too bloody. Nice of her to buy that coupon back for cash. Let's do yours now.

Daria - I'm really not in the market for a doo-dad.

Jane - Come on, let's at least find out what a doo-dad is.

(in front of the doo dads store)

Jane - What is this stuff?

Daria - Who would buy such crappy useless junk?

(Brittany and Kevin come out of store)

Kevin - Fmossthree. Fmossthree. Hundred bottles of beer on the wall... Hundred bottles of beer...

Brittany - Did you see the cute little thingy with the cute little thingy?

Kevin - I got it for you babe.

Brittany - Oh Kev, this is the first cute thingy you've bought me since... wait, you didn't steal this did you?

Kevin - It was shrinkage babe!

(Daria and Jane walk into store - bell goes off and staff members start singing to Daria)

Jane - What are you doing to my friend.

Man - You're our lucky 10,000th customer. All these doo-dads are yours for free! Don't you get it? You're our winner!

Daria - Winner?

Jane - You know, it's not a word for loser.

Man - On three everyone, "I love doo-dads!" One, two, three...

Everyone - I love doo-dads!

(Guy giving ride home to everyone)

Daria - Thanks for the ride, um, Guy.

(at home, sitting around the dinnertable)

Helen - Thank you sweetheart, you've been so considerate these past couple of weeks.

Daria - And I bet she stays that way for another couple of weeks.

Jake - That dinner was delicious, anyone want a cup of coffee?

Quinn - Let me Dad, let me.

Jack - Should we tell them?

Helen - Lets.

Jake - Girls,

Helen - I was a little hard on you the other day Quinn so Dad and I thought it would be fun to take you to a movie at the new super mega multiplex. Then after the movie we'll stop at Books by the Ton, it's the biggest bookstore in the country.

Jake - You know, at the Mall of the Millennium.

Daria - Great.

Quinn - Yeah, great.

Helen - Did you think they'd be more excited?

Jake - Oh, you know Daria, she loves to act cool. Once we're there, wait until you see her face then!