(Kevin in Lawndale)

Kevin - Hey, how's it going? Nice day, huh? How ya doing? Hi! How are you? Oh man!

(at school, in the hallway)

Sandi - So I said, nice car. Do you have enough gas to get to loserville?

Joey - That's funny Sandi!

Jeffy - You really know how to tell a story.

Sandi - Thanks.

Jamie - Tell us about the part with Quinn again

Sandi - Quinn wasn't in that story. It was me, Tiffany, and Stacey.

Joey - Well then take Stacey out and put Quinn in.

Quinn - (walking up) Hi guy! Hi Sandi! Hi Joey, hi Jeffy, hi Johnny.

Joey - Hi Quinn!

Jeffy - Hi Quinn!

Jamie - Hi Quinn! It's Jamie.

Quinn - Hi Sandi...

Sandi - (turns and walks away)

Joey - So Quinn, I was wondering if...

Quinn - No. (follows Sandi)

Stacey - Oh, it's so cute!

Tiffany - It's the cutest.

Brooke - You think so? I told Dr. Shar...

Tiffany - Oh, Dr. Shar, she's the best.

Stacey - Everybody uses her.

Brooke - I told Dr. Shar that I wanted cute, but you know, not too cute.

Sandi - It's not too cute. It's cute, but not obnoxious about it.

Brooke - What do you think Quinn?

Quinn - Hmm, it's cute.

Brooke - Just cute?

Sandi - Quinn has very high nose-standards.

Quinn - I said it was cute!

Sandi - Oh, like you meant it. "Oh, it's cute."

Quinn - Well at least I thought about it. I didn't just say it was cute without thinking.

Sandi - Excuse me? Are you saying we're shallow?

Brooke - Wait, you guys were just saying it was cute?

Sandi - Quinn's just so deep that she thinks we would say something's cute when it's not cute, which we wouldn't.

Tiffany - No way.

Sandi - Example. I would never tell Quinn that she looks cute in that thing she always wears.

Quinn - I don't have a thing that I always wear.

Sandi - If you say so.

Quinn - I have lots of things which I wear at different times, far apart in time.

Sandi - As you wish.

Quinn - You're just mad because I said you're shallow. Which I meant in some other way!

Brooke - So then, it is cute?

Sandi - Let's ask an average person. Quinn, there's that girl you know. Let's ask her. Hello! Quinn's cousin or something.

Daria - You'll have to excuse me, my sister wants me to stay away.

Sandi - So Quinn's little friend, or whatever, take a look at this.

Daria - What is it?

Tiffany - It's Brooke's new nose. Isn't is cute?

Daria - Don't worry, it'll grow out.

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Quinn - So I said, I thought it was cute.

Jake - Really.

Quinn - Why doesn't anyone believe me?

Helen - What was wrong with Brooke's old nose?

Quinn - It wasn't cute. It had like an extra bone in it.

Daria - Hey it's almost time for dessert. Can we discuss liposuction now?

Helen - I just don't like the idea of you girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Maybe when you're older, and you're doing it for yourself, or you have a sound professional reason, you need to be presentable. Yes, it's a double standard but women in business are judged by their looks. There's no getting around that. But breast implants? I just don't know.

Quinn - Right.

Helen - I mean, when a woman is elected president it won't be because she got breast implants.

Daria - At least her people will deny it.

Helen - Jake? I could use some help here.

Jake - Um, no honey, you look great. Everybody looks great. Perfect!

Helen - That's not what I...

Quinn - I'm not perfect. My nose has inperfections.

Jake - That's imperfections sweetie.

Quinn - I knew it!

Jake - Oh, hell.

(in Quinn's room)

Quinn - (playing with her nose, snaps it) Ow!

Daria - Wanna borrow my stapler?

Quinn - Ugh! (slams door)

(at school)

Quinn - (sneaking around school)

(in Mrs. Barch's science class)

Mrs. Barch - Now Kevin, what happened last week when you walked down the street saying hello to people.

Kevin - 12 people smiled back, 15 said hello, 8 said hi.

Mrs. Barch - And Mr. football hero, what happened this week when you walked down the street saying hello to people wearing your special ugly face?

Kevin - 14 people pretended not to see me, 5 crossed the street to get away, 7 ran, 3 called the police, and I'm pretty sure this one guy fired a shot.

Mrs. Barch - And so, what does this experiment teach us about how perception of attractiveness affects human behavior? Brittany?

Brittany - Oh, Kevy, what have they done to you?

Kevin - It's just makeup babe.

Brittany - Don't touch me you freak!

Kevin - Can I take this stuff off now? I don't like not being liked

Mrs. Barch - Put that back! You'll take it off when I trust your ego! He, I mean, when the experiment is over.

Ms. Li - (over the speakers) Mrs. Barch, will you please send Daria Morgendorffer to the office. Her sister...

Quinn - Cousin!

Ms. Li - Her cousin, needs her.

Daria - I don't know how I'll make up the class work.

Kevin - Not even the wart?

Ms. Barch - The wart's the best part!

(on the bus)

Quinn - What's rhinoplasty?

Daria - Exactly what it sounds like.

Quinn - Well, they could use it I guess.

Daria - How are the cramps?

Quinn - Shut up.

Daria - I'm truly touched. Not only did you get out of class by faking sick, you convinced the nurse to let your sister take you home. Of course we don't appear to be going home...

Quinn - I need you to be my alibi.

Daria - Generally, you want your alibi not to be a witness at the scene of the crime.

Quinn - I just need you here, okay?

Daria - Uh, okay. Why?

Quinn - Why what?

Daria - Why me and not one of your hundreds of friends?

Quinn - I need, uh, someone who's known me for a while and who's like that thing.

Daria - What thing?

Quinn - You know, honest. Don't tell anyone. Or I'll just say you followed me.

Daria - Right. Good plan.

(commercial break)

(At the Rx Plex)

Quinn - I can't believe those guys went to see Dr. Shar without me.

Daria - How do you know they came here? How do you know they didn't just all go to the stuffed animal store?

Quinn - Did you see the way they looked at Brooke's nose? Where else could they have gone?

Daria - But they all have noses like yours.

Quinn - Rub it in why don't you!

(at Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe)

(Daria and Quinn look at TV)

Daria - Now how are they going to explain this to the other monkeys?

Guy - We've been here an hour! When's my girlfriend gonna get her new breasts?

Receptionist - Dr. Shar is very busy. Quinn Morgendorffer!

Guy - Hey wait! We were her first! (sees Daria) Oh, wow, emergency. I understand.

(in the office)

Dr. Shar - (on the phone) Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe hon, those nostrils are ity bity compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again sweetie. In, out. No, you keep that going! Bye! Well hello there Quinn, whichever one of you is Quinn. What brings you here?

Quinn - It's my nose.

Dr. Shar - Oh honey, there's nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little shnoz!

Quinn - It's a shnoz?

Dr. Shar - No! It's the tiniest little thing.

Quinn - Thank you. Can you fix it?

Dr. Shar - Oh, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature. And an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now. But, let's see if we can't do something. (computer takes pictures of Quinn) Quinn, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?

Quinn - I have cheekbones!

Dr. Shar - We all do honey. And maybe that baby fat will drop away, and yours will show. You never know. But this once month only for $2300 you can be sure.

Quinn - I don't have cheekbones!

Dr. Shar - All right hon, let's make some lips. Dimple you up... Two more... Something's missing. Oh! I know! And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. (prints it out)

Quinn - I'm too cute!

Dr. Shar - And only $6000! So far. Anything else?

Daria - Can I see what she looks like with eyebrow ridges and a large sloping forehead?

Dr. Shar - All right, funny gal, your turn!

Daria - No. Thank you.

Dr. Shar - Nothing to be afraid of.

Daria - I'm not afraid.

Dr. Shar - It'll be fun!

Daria - I don't like fun.

Quinn - Come on, Daria.

Dr. Shar - (computer takes picture of Daria) Where shall we begin. Hmmm. Nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair, alrighty! Let's have a look! It's a start!

Quinn - Oh look Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think I can get a couple more of these wallet size?

(in the waiting room)

Dr. Shar - Well honey, I like your attitude. You're open to life's possibilities.

Quinn - I try to be.

Dr. Shar - But you Daria, I hate to see a young lady give up on herself at such a early age.

Daria - I don't consider rejecting the Dr. Frankenstein approach giving up.

Dr. Shar - It puts a frown on my face. And I don't like having a frown on my face!

Daria - Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile.

Dr. Shar - This is for you Daria, open it when you got some free time. Then I want you to examine it, get comfortable with it, think about it carefully. Change your attitude hon, change you life.

Daria - It's not left over nose pieces, is it?

Dr. Shar - Humor may lift your spirits Daria but it takes a professional to lift your buttocks! Doctor joke! Have a nice day girls. And remember, money can make anyone look beautiful.

Guy - Don't worry, you're gonna be all right.

(on the bus)

Quinn - I'm a mess. And it'll cost $6000 to fix.

Daria - You're not going to take that woman seriously are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.

Quinn - You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.

Daria - (opens box) Oh yeah, she's got my number all right. Dr. Shar's pre-implant temporary breast augmentations. For evaluation only. She knew just what I needed. Practice boobs.

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Daria - (on the phone) So first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for $6000.

Jane - Miss pert 'n pretty? What can she possibly need for 6 G's other than a new personality.

Daria - Wait, there's more. Then she announces for 20 grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.

Jane - Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs $6000 worth of plastic surgery!

Daria - And then to top off the day, she send me home with a pair of fake boobs. Says they'll change my attitude.

Jane - Boy, she was really trying to make you insecure.

Daria - I know, if I didn't already have low self-esteem she might have gotten to me.

Jane - Anyway your attitude's so bad. You probably only need one fake boob.

(at school, in the hallway)

Quinn - I'm really mad at you guys.

Sandi - Oh? Why is that?

Quinn - Because you all went to get nose jobs without me!

Sandi - But you would never get a nose job, you're not that shallow.

Quinn - How do you know?

Sandi - Because a really deep person like you has too many important things on her mind like news or something to pay attention to her appearance.

Quinn - That's not true.

Sandi - But Quinn, what else could possibly account for you showing up at school in such a dated outfit?

Quinn - But you helped me buy this outfit!

Sandi - That was days ago. Weeks, if memory serves. Of course, so much time has passed, I could be wrong.

Quinn - Well whatever, anyway I could've come along for moral support.

Tiffany - Like you were so supportive for Brooke.

Sandi - Ohmigod, look!

Tiffany - It's Brooke.

Quinn - Oh no! She's beautiful!

(commercial break)

Brooke - Hi Tiffany, Sandi, Stacey, everybody.

Everyone - Brooke!

Tiffany - Ohmigod Brooke you have such a cute waist! I didn't even know that you had one.

Brooke - I didn't! Dr. Shar liposuctioned one out for me.

Sandi - Excellent.

Brooke - Not only that, you know, that she sucked out, and gave me these luscious lips.

Stacey - Like, dream come true.

Brooke - Dr. Shar said that it'll only last a few months but fortunately I still got my butt.

(everyone laughs)

Brooke - No, seriously, Dr. Shar says the average female has enough fat in her butt to keep her lips luscious until she's like 70.

Tiffany - God works in mysterious ways.

Sandi - Brooke, I must say, and I mean this in a not shallow way, you are totally cute now.

Stacey - Super cute!

Brooke - Wait, so does that mean I can join the fashion club?

Sandi - Who know, we may have an opening soon. What's the rule? Last hired, first hired?

Jane - You bring them?

Daria - Yeah.

Jane - (sees Kevin walking by) How's the science project?

Kevin - Okay. Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm.

Daria - What?

Kevin - (takes stuffing out of mouth) Daria, man, I need your advice. You're used to being unpopular.

Daria - Thanks.

Kevin - It's really bumming me out. People hate the way I look!

Daria - Well, a respected member of the medical community once told me that money can make anyone look beautiful.

Kevin - Hey, thanks Daria.

Jane - What do you think he thinks you meant?

Daria - What's the difference? He's gone.

Jane - True enough. Well come on! Where are they?

Daria - In here.

Jane - Oh Daria, don't be shy, show me your boobs. (Daria shows Jane her boobs) Hmm. Why did I think this would be more interesting?

Upchuck - Good day ladies! What's in the box? Art project? Science experiment? Adorable little pet? Arf!

Jane - A little of each Upchuck, take a look.

Upchuck - Hmmm. Call me countrybumpkin but, what is it?

Jane - It's a fake boob.

Upchuck - Eww! (runs away)

Jane - I guess he's not quite ready for a physical relationship.

Quinn - Daria! I need to (sees Jane) shoo! shoo! I need to borrow $6000 dollars.

Daria - I don't have $6000 dollars.

Quinn - But it's an emergency!

Jane - Well, if it's an emergency (reaches into pocket).

Quinn - Here's what you do. Tell Mom and Dad that Dr. Shar says you need human growth hormones. They'll believe that.

Jane - I would.

Quinn - But instead, Dr. Shar will do me and charge them for you! And you'll probably grow anyways!

Daria - Good plan, but what makes you think Dr. Shar will go through with this?

Quinn - It was her idea!

Daria - I can't have this on my conscience.

Quinn - You don't have a conscience.

Daria - What I meant was, I don't feel like it.

Quinn - You've got to! Where else am I gonna get $6000?

Jane - Start up a collection?

Daria - You're paying for my therapy.

(on the bathroom)

Quinn - So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing my surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity!

Andrea - Solidarity?

Quinn - You know, sisterhood is powerful!

Andrea - Aren't you even a little worried that there may be a hell?

(in Ms. Barch's class room)

Quinn - It's not even like I'm doing that for me. I'm doing it to bring honor to my school.

Ms. Barch - Oh well then, why don't you apply for a federal grant dear. Send an inquiry to the U.S. Department of Deluded Adolescents.

Quinn - Is that E-N-T-E or E-N-T-S?

(in the cafeteria)

Boy - So, what do we get if we pledge?

Quinn - You get to look at me walking around like this all day.

Other Boy - No, like what do we get?

Quinn - Same thing you're getting now. Nothing.

(in the hallway)

Daria - Pledge drive not going well?

Quinn - Some people are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you from Upchuck.

Daria - Why?

Quinn - Deposit, he wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.

Daria - Listen Quinn...

Quinn - You know, I should get boobs. I bet if I got the boobs on credit I can get the rest of the money in no time.

Daria - Quinn...

Quinn - Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.

Daria - Quinn...

Quinn - I mean, I like being attractive and popular, it's like me, okay? So Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up! And then if they like go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back and pretty soon it'll be one of those vicious things. Where will it end Daria, where will it end?

Daria - You don't need surgery Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this and I'll deny I every said it. But there's nothing wrong with you. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it! You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.

Quinn - Why do I even bother talking to you?

Tiffany and Stacey - Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod.

Quinn - Ohmigod what?

Stacey - Did you hear what happened to Brooke?

Quinn - Yeah, she's super cute.

Tiffany - She had a nasal relapse.

Stacey - We were just talking.

Tiffany - It was horrible.

Stacey - The whole thing...

(at Daria's house, sitting around the living room)

Quinn - Just caved in.

Helen - That's horrible!

Quinn - You could like see her brain. Or at least that's what Tiffany heard from Doug who heard it from Brenda whose cousin works in the emergency room.

Daria - At another hospital. In Belgium.

Quinn - And her new lips, all the fat on the top, slipped down to the bottom. Now she looks like one of those beer dogs on TV.

Helen - That poor girl.

Quinn - Yeah, now she looks even less cute than she did before. Maybe the fashion club should send her flowers or something. I mean, since I guess she won't be joining anytime soon.

Daria - I bet you all must be very upset about that.

Quinn - Well we're like a built in support group for each other.

Daria - A regular Kahmer Rouge.

Quinn - Well, blush is more like it.

(on street in Lawndale)

Kevin - Hi! How ya doing? Here's 5 bucks.

Guy - Thanks dude! Great to meet you.

Kevin - Hey, what's up? Here's 5 bucks.

Guy - Thanks man, you're pretty cool.

Kevin - Hey cowboy, how would you like 5 dollars?

Kid - (starts to cry)

Kevin - Oh hey, didn't mean to scare you little guy! Maybe 10.

Kid - You're really nice. I like you.