(Jane's room)

SSW - Can monkeys surf the net, and corrupt our kids? Chimpanzee chat rooms, next on Sick, Sad World.

Daria - Put down your weapon, I surrender.

Jane - A little respect for the stick-modified 2000. Finest glue gun on the market.

Daria - And I thought you were on your way to a sci-fi convention.

Jane - No thanks, reality is bizarre enough for me. Why do I get so much fun out of this?

Daria - Past life as a barnacle.

Jane - Don't couch! Took hours to build. It's a subject of a painting.

Daria - You're going to end up one of those old ladies who build their houses out of bottles, aren't you.

(sound of guitar - sculpture collapses)

Daria - There goes your genius grant.

Jane - Yeah, but maybe Trent will share his with me.

Daria - That's Trent?

Jane - Come on Daria, let's go complain about the noise.

Daria - I don't find it a problem. I have unusually sturdy ear drums?

Jane - I think Trent's band has an opening for a fly girl.

Daria - I think I might have an opening for a new friend.

(in the basement)

Daria - Isn't that two guitars?

Jane - Yeah, the other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral.

Daria - Mystik Spiral?

Jane - Trent's band.

Daria - Sounds like one of those Door cover bands that play brew pubs.

Jane - Ha! They wish.

Trent - (singing) You're an angel in black, and you sure have a knack, for putting my heart on the shelf in the back, I'm waiting my turn, oh, when will I learn? My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn... Yeah...

Jane - Yo, Trent! You wanna turn it down a bit?

Trent - Are you kidding? Hey, Daria.

Daria - (can't speak... must speak...) Hey.

Trent - What do ya think of the song?

Daria - (It has a beat and you can dance to it. If you have no shame.) Umm, cool.

Trent - It's called, "Icebox Woman."

Jesse - You guys outta come to the next Mystik Spiral gig. We'll put you on the list.

Jane - Daria thinks the name Mystik Spiral sounds like a Doors cover band that plays in brew pubs, don't ya Daria.

Daria - That's not exactly what I...

Trent - Hmmm... Maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled it with two y's?

Daria - (and I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A and be crowned Miss America.) It might.

Jesse - We doing a show this weekend?

Trent - Nah, we're going to Alternapalooza this weekend.

Jane - You're going to Alternapalooza?

Jesse - Yeah, it's way out in Suitsville.

Jane - You think your car will make it?

Jesse - We're borrowing our drummer's van. The Tank. It's indestructable.

Trent - Yeah, but you know Jesse, it eats gas. I don't know what we're going to do about gas money.

Jane - I could probably scrounge some up. If you let us come along. We'd enjoy that, wouldn't we Daria?

Daria - (Pass me a guitar string so I might silence my friend.) Uh-huh.

Trent - Okay, cool, we're there. If you can stand being coped up in a van with Jesse and me for four hours.

(at a clothing store)

Sandi - Friends don't let short waisted friends wear hip-huggers.

Stacey - I hate these big plastic things, they're so ugly!

Quinn - If I were gonna shop lift I wouldn't take that cheap thing.

Sandi - Quinn, cheap is in this season.

Quinn - Oh then get it, definately.

Tiffany - Why are we going to Alternapalooza? Isn't that for girls who don't shave?

Sandi - As members of the fashion club we have to keep up with the latest trends in music and clothes.

Quinn - And show everyone that popular geeks can be as alternative as geeks!

Tiffany - Is this alternative?

Sandi - If you tuck the top in, no. If you let it hang out, yes.

Quinn - Do I have to wear clunky shoes?

Sandi - If you wear big shoes the rest of you looks even cuter by comparison.

Quinn - Oh. I get it. Maybe I'll shave my head!

(everyone laughs)

Tiffany - You crack me up Quinn.

Quinn - Look! Temporary tatoos. Woohoo!

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Helen - Quinn, what is that?

Quinn - Don't worry Mom, it's fake.

Daria - Aww, you got a tatoo to match your personality.

Quinn - I'm going to Alternapalooza this weekend. This is so I'll fit in!

Daria - And if some guy named Pigpen asks you to be his old lady, hell, you'll be ready.

Quinn - I'm also thinking of having my belly button pierced at the mall...

Jake - What? No daughter of mine is going to mutilate her body for the sake of some fad.

Quinn - Then can I have $29.99 for a removal nose ring?

Daria - Good idea. You don't want any more holes in your head.

Helen - Daria...

Quinn - Hey Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the 60s?

Helen - Oh sure, I did my share of partying.

Daria - You mean you experimented with...

Helen - No! Your father went to one of the most famous festivals in the decade.

Quinn - Woodstock?

Jake - Altamont... Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it.

Daria - Wasn't Altamont free?

Jake - That's the same line they tried on me.

(Quinn's room)

Daria - Where'd you get that eye-popping polyester number?

Quinn - Daria, it's all about knowing where to shop. Wow, you look almost normal.

Daria - No, I'm going to Alternapalooza.

Quinn - Ah!

Daria - Don't panic, I'm sure we can loose each other in a crowd of 10,000.

Quinn - I guess. You're not going to Alternapalooza with that top tucked in, are you?

(in the living room)

Helen - Have fun at the concert dear.

Daria - Um, thanks.

Jake - He, he, hey, stay away from the brown...

Helen - Jake!

Jake - Remember Daria, just say no. Here's a twenty, for souvenirs or what have you. I gave one to Quinn too. Get yourself something rad.

Daria - Thanks. Um, what are you guys going to do today.

Helen - Pay the bills.

Jake - Wash the car.

Daria - Wow, well, be sure to take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated. Bye.

(commercial break)

(outside of the house)

Jane - Oh la la - is that lipstick?

Daria - I just had a lollipop.

Jane - Sure you did kid.

(Trent drives up)

Trent - Ready? Sorry, there's only two seats up here, but there's plenty of room in the back.

Jane - Daria, why don't you sit in front with Trent?

Daria - Oh, I'd much rather be in the back with you Jane, easier to get to your neck.

Jesse - Girl talk, huh.

Jane - You know Daria, she's a regular chatterbox.

(Daria bumps her head getting in)

Trent - Watch your head.

(drives off)

(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie drive up)

Joey - Do you know the problem with alternative bands?

Jeffy - They're a bunch of cry-babies who suck at sports?

Joey - Yeah!

Jamie - Ya think the chicks at this thing will be peirced?

Joey - Peircing is so stupid.

Jeffy - It's bad enough when they have braces.

(Quinn opens door)

Jamie - Cool nose ring Quinn!

Jeffy - You look really alternative!

Joey - I never realized your nose was so, hot!

(in the van)

Jane - Yo, I'm Doloris. I'm doing ten to fifteen for armed robbery. What are you in for?

Daria - My head hurts.

Jane - The cops did that to you, didn't they. Bastards.

Trent - Hey Jane, got any change?

Jane - Hey Trent, got any shame? I already gave you my cash.

Jesse - Oh, man, that was Curtis Stalato.

Jane - Who?

Trent - He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Wow.

Jesse - You'd never catch me in a job like that.

Daria - (because it falls under the category of employment)

Trent - Hey man, we're artists. Who know where we'll be in 5 years.

Daria - (still living over your parent's garage?)

Jane - Say it Daria, whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't they'll go on like this for hours.

Jesse - We've got a vision.

Trent - Eye on the prize man, eyes on the prize.

Jesse - Yeah, and this band's not about selling out.

Trent - No way.

Jane - Cuz for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. Well someone had to pick up the slack!

Trent - If you lived here, you'd be home by now.

Daria - and bored outta your mind.

Trent - Good one Daria.

(van swerves)

Daria - Can somebody open up a window, please?

Trent - Wish I could. All the handles are missing.

(van goes over bump - Daria and Jane fall off of chest)

Trent - Wow, didn't see that one coming.

Jane - Let us know if you do see one coming.

Jesse - Anybody else smell some peanut-butter?

Daria - What am I sitting on?

Jane - Looks like a sandwich! And it's an antique!

(in Kevin's car)

Brittany - I can't believe it! Gordan and Victoria? She's six inches taller than him! What is he thinking?

(in the van)

Jesse - The peanut-butter is making me hungry.

Jane - Killer bee alert!

Daria - Great.

Jane - Jesse, hand me that map? Come here you stupid... Hold still Daria. You're mine sting boy...

Daria - Ow! He stung me!

Jane - He'll never do it again.

Daria - Why didn't I just stay home where it's nice a quiet and nothing ever happens.

(at Daria's house)

Jake - Woooo!

Helen - Stop!

Jake - Foxy lady!

(van pulls up to Mom's diner)

Jane - I hate to tell you this but there's a big greasy spot of peanut-buttery goodness on your butt.

Daria - Of course there is.

Waitress - Okay, that's a meatloaf, chicken with fries, box of frosted flakes... Those are pretty small hon, just one?

Jesse - You're right. Make it five.

Waitress - And you?

Daria - Dry toast and tea, please.

Waitress - I thought you looked depressed. You want a booster seat? Five boxes of flakes and one nausia delight! You kids going to that rock 'n roll shindig out there in Suitesville?

Daria - No. We made a wrong turn on out way to Paris.

Waitress - You've got a mouth on you, don't you?

Daria - Why?

Waitress - Ever thought of becoming a waitress?

(in Sandi's car)

Quinn - What's the smell?

Stacey - Ick! A skunk!

(in the bathroom of Mom's diner)

Daria - Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.

Jane - Well you're not your usualy sunny self.

Daria - I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...

Jane - And all in front of Trent.

Daria - Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there. You go on to Alternapalooza, tomorrow I'll emerge, and begin my new life as a waitress.

Jane - Daria if there's one thing I know about Trent, it's that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-concious.

Daria - Okay.

Jane - Now what are you gonna do about that big stain on your butt? I'm kidding! It looks alternative.

(in the van)

Trent - This is like that R.E.M. video. Except you can't read anyone's mind.

Daria - (Thank God.) I shouldn't have had that tea.

Jane - You have to go? There's some trees over there!

Trent - What the matter Daria, you gotta wizz?

Jesse - What's wrong?

Trent - It's Daria, she has to pee.

Jesse - You have to pee Daria? You can pee behind those trees. See those trees? You can pee behind there!

Daria - If I'm not back in ten minutes, don't send help.

(commercial break)

Daria - I knew I should've taken ballet. Stop staring at me your pervery squirrel! (trips) Ow!

Trent - Cool Daria?

Daria - I'm ready for my abuse Dr. DeMille.

Trent - I think the traffic's letting up.

Daria - They're not going to make fun of me?

Jane - For peeing in the woods? They're in a band Daria, those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.

Jesse - That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.

(at Mom's diner)

Tiffany - Ugh, stretch pants, every where you look, stretch pants.

Stacey - (gasps) Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants!

Sandi - They're leggings!

Waitress - (looks at them) Three cheeseburger deluxes, four house salads. WIth oil and vinegar on the side!

Brittany - What do you mean they don't have bathrooms at this thing? Is this your idea of a joke?

Kevin - But babe...

Jodie - Brittany, how can you be so naive? It's strictly portable toilets.

Brittany - No way, gross! Next thing you'll be telling me I have to sit on the ground!

(in the van)

Jane - Your turn Trent. We're up to D.

Trent - I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing, asbestos insulation, bryne shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, and a Dromadery.

Daria - I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing, asbestos insulation, bryne shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a Dromadery, and a eurocentric view of world history.

Jane - I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing...

Daria - (van hits bump, glasses fly off) My glasses!

Trent - Sorry! Hey Janey, I saw that one coming!

Jesse - Don't worry, I can fix them.

Jane - Need the glue gun?

Daria - Keep that thing away from me, you'll miss and glue my eye lids shut.

Jesse - There's some tape in the back there.

Daria - Duct tape. Great.

Jane - It's fine. It looks alternative.

(van breaks down)

Daria - Now my day's complete.

(Sandi's car drives by)

Stacey - Wasn't that your cousin back there?

Quinn - What?

Sandi - What's that smell?

Stacey - Ugh! Fertilizer!

(on the side of the road)

Jesse - What do we do now?

Jane - There's a wall up ahead maybe there must be houses behind there. Daria, you stay here with Trent, Jesse and I will find a phone and call for help. Great plans, huh?

(Sandi and Kevin's car)

Quinn - Outlet shopping!

Sandi - Change of plans!

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - What? No way! You can't!

Stacey - (makes hand motions to Kevin's car)

Mack - What is that, a pyramid?

Kevin - A square!

Brittany - A clothes hanger! Outlet shopping!

(on the side of the road)

Daria - What chord is that?

Trent - G.

Daria - Oh.

Daria - Umm, nice tatoo. Tribal?

Trent - Mayori. I copied it out of Tatoo world's international issue.

Daria - Very graphic, and meaningful.

Trent - Yeah, it makes a statement. You know what it is?

Daria - (I got a tatoo out of a magazine?)

Trent - I got a tatoo out of a magazine.

Daria - I guess it's better than copying one off the TV.

Trent - Daria, do you ever feel like you are wasting your life?

Daria - Only when I'm awake.

Trent - Like no money, no job, you live with your parents and you still can't play an open D tuning.

Daria - Well, I haven't had those exact thoughts...

Trent - Maybe I will end up a townie doing Doors covers. I mean, who's to say, right?

Daria - Umm, you know Trent, it takes a lot of guts to go after a dream, especially when you know failure means spending the rest of your life playing LA Woman. In public.

Trent - Hmm, I guess.

Daria - And even if it doesn't work out, at least for now you're doing exactely what you want to.

Trent - Yeah, that's true.

Daria - A lot of people never even get that far.

Trent - I guess I'm not doing that bad. You know Daria, sometimes it's hard to believe you're in high school.

Daria - I find the situation unbelievable myself.

Trent - You're pretty cool.

Daria - Thanks.

Jane - Yo.

Trent - So?

Jane - There was nothing behind that wall but a cornfield. and the corn wasn't very helpful.

Jesse - Helpful Corn! That's a cool name for the band.

Trent - Even better than Mystik Spiral, huh, Daria. (winks at Daria)

Jane - (glues engine)

(engine starts)

Trent - All right.

Jane - I knew this glue gun would come in handy.

Daria - Stop pointing that thing at me!

Jesse - Let's go, we can still catch some of the show.

Jane - Uh, maybe not.

Trent - Why's everybody going the wrong way?

Guy - The concert's over man.

Stoned guy - It was amazing. Where am I?

Jesse - Is he all right?

Guy - He's cool, just you know, a little sleepy.

Stoned guy - (goes up to Daria) Are you my Mommy?

(Trent drives home, Daria sits up in front - Jane and Jesse sleep in back)

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Helen - (humming) I should really make pancakes more often. The batter is so sensual.

Jake - Like batter, like chef!

(Daria and Quinn walk in)

Helen - Hi girls.

Jake - How was the festival?

(Daria and Quinn run out)