(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Jake - (sobbing) What have I done oh God what have I done...

Helen - It's all right Jake, we'll get through this as a family.

Quinn - Yeah, don't worry Daddy we're here for you no matter what. Oh, I'm going to miss the Coming Attractions! (leaves)

Daria - (walking in) What's wrong?

Helen - Your father had a little business setback dear. He lost a client.

Jake - I got a great idea he said, a million dollar idea he said, cigars for pets. What do you think, he said, I want you to be honest, he said. What the hell made me believe him?

Helen - Jake, everyone slips up once in a while.

Daria - He fired you for being honest?

Jake - It was entrapment!

Daria - So it's off to the sneaker sweat shop for me and Quinn?

Helen - Don't be ridiculous you two you know I've got more work than I can handle. And you'll get busy again Jakey, just be patient.

Jake - But what will I do in the mean time?

Helen - You always said you want to work on your cooking.

Daria - If you're looking for a way to occupy yourself there are plenty of chores that need to be done around here.

(Helen and Jake glare at Daria)

Daria - What? You get to say it.

(at school, in Ms. Defoe's art class)

Mrs. Defoe - (to Daria) Good. (walks up to Brittany) Brittany, did you spill your paint?

Brittany - Um, no?

(Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill walk in)

Mr. O'Neill - Is this a good time Ms. Defoe?

Ms. Defoe - Yes, come on in. Class, Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill have some intriguing news.

Ms. Li - Lawndale High is participating in a state wide art contest.

Mr. O'Neill - That's why we chose an art class would be the place to announce it.

Ms. Li - The theme of the contest is "Student life at the Dawn of the Millenium."

Mr. O'Neill - What's it like to be a high school student in today's fast changing world.

Ms. Li - Entry is strictly voluntary of course, although frankly I don't see how any of you could think of passing up the chance to bring honor to yourself and Lawndale High.

Jane - One, two.

Daria - Buckle my shoe.

Mr. O'Neill - Ms. Defoe will choose the entries from each art class and I'm contest coordinator for the school. Good luck kids!

Ms. Li - Students, I urge you to take this opportunity. Curiosity, inquiry, expression, these are the building blocks of education.

Brittany - Ma'am?

Ms. Li - No questions! Good luck all! (leaves with Mr. O'Neill)

(bell rings)

Brittany - I wanted to tell her I've got a great idea for a poster!

Daria - Me too. Mine's gonna be about cheerleading!

Brittany - Oh no, now what will I do?

Kevin - How about something on quarterbacks babe?

Brittany - (ignores him)

Kevin - Hey!

Ms. Defoe - Jane, can you stay a minute? Jane, I'm eager to see what all the students come up with for this contest.

Jane - All the students who choose to participate.

Ms. Defoe - But I really can't wait to see your entry.

Jane - Well you know, I really don't think artists should compete with each other, see I believe in a community of creativity.

Ms. Defoe - You're such an accomplished artist and such an original thinker. If there's anyone in this school who can capture student life today, it's you. I just want to say, good luck.

Jane - Thanks.

(walking home from school)

Jane - Damnit! Why did she have to be so nice? Now i have to come up with some stupid poster about student life.

Daria - Where to start? There's so much to hate about it.

Jane - You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life.

Daria - Yes.

Jane - And tell the truth about how much it can suck

Daria - Yes.

Jane - To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.

Daria - Yes.

Jane - And you're going to help.

Daria - No.

(at Jane's house, in Jane's room)

SSW - Neo-natal skinheads, next on Sick Sad World.

Jane - You gotta help me, you're the most negative person I know.

Daria - Thanks.

Jane - Come on! Now's your chance to tell the world what you really think of life at Lawndale High.

Daria - Tell the world that I, Daria Mordendorffer have something to say.

Jane - Yes!

Daria - No.

Jane - Come on...

Daria - All right. I'll make my personal statement, and I'll stand behind it.

Jane - I knew you would.

Daria - But only on a condition of strict anonymity.

Jane - You're a real Joan of Ark, you know that?

Daria - Yeah, and I think I just ordered a steak.

(at the pizza place)

Daria - How about we call it, "America's Future Leaders," and we just enlarge a picture of Kevin and Brittany.

Jane - Come on, that's too depressing. How about we call it, "Beauty is only Skin Deep," and we attach the actual skin of a student.

Daria - Oh, I like that. I wonder if we can talk Quinn into donating her's?

Jane - I'm starting to think this is going to require more pizza.

Daria - I'm starting to agree with you.

(time passes)

Jane - Oh, where were we?

Daria - We were talking about hanging a roll of fly paper and calling it, "It's important to be Attractive."

Jane - Oh yeah. With or without flys?

Daria - Did they add another quarter of grease to the pizza recipe?

Jane - Another slice?

Daria - No, I already feel like I might throw up. Hey!

(at school, in Ms. Defoe's art class)

Ms. Defoe - Well, it's very gratifying to see so much participation in the art contest. (walks up to Upchuck) Charles, what's the name of your poster?

Upchuck - I call it, "Ride Chucky, Ride."

Ms. Defoe - And what exactly does it say about student life at the century's edge?

Upchuck - It's more of a personal mission statement.

Daria - Mission impossible, he means.

Ms. Defoe - (walks up to Brittany) Tell us about your poster Brittany.

Brittany - I call it, "Don't Drink or Take Drugs." And the message is, don't drink or take drugs!

Ms. Defoe - But how do we get that message? All I see is the alcohol and the drugs with no negative imagery to symbolize their dangers.

Brittany - (reaches into bag, takes out lipstick, crosses out alcohol and drugs on poster) There!

Ms. Defoe - Well, Brittany, that's um, let's talk after class. (walks up to Jane) And Jane, what did you decide? Oh, she's beautiful! "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't be thinner. Now she goes in the bathroom and vomits up dinner?" Oh Jane, I don't think that's funny.

Jane - Um, you don't?

Ms. Defoe - Do you think it's funny to make fun of someone with an eating disorder?

Jane - No! But...

Daria - (whipsers) It's not meant to be funny.

Jane - It's not meant to be funny.

Ms. Defoe - Well then do you think it's your place to pass judgement on someone with a low self-image just because you don't have that problem yourself?

Jane - But that's not what I'm saying at all.

Ms. Defoe - Then what are you saying?

Jane - I'm saying that people shouldn't, uh...

Daria - She's saying that all the emphasis on appearance today can be dangerous. The girl is very pretty and your first reaction is, "Oh, what a happy teenager!" But maybe that's not the whole story. Maybe that prettiness comes at a price.

Ms. Defoe - Oh, is that what you're saying, Jane.

Jane - Pretty much.

Ms. Defoe - And you felt you had to say it in such graphic unappealing language.

Daria - The choice of words was deliberate. To contrast with the beauty of the image and shock the viewer into paying attention.

Ms. Defoe - You know what Jane, this really is a work of art, and it really does make a statement in an original way. I'd like you to let me enter in the state-wide compitetion.

Jane - Sounds okay.

Ms. Defoe - And how does it sound to your collaborater?

Daria - Next time I give you a prepared statement.

(commercial break)

(in Ms. Li's office)

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jane, this poster is beautiful!

Ms. Li - Truly accomplished, a real credit to yourselfs, and Lawndale High.

Mr. O'Neill - And the poem, a very interesting perspective. Except...

Daria - Yes?

Mr. O'Neill - There's this one line. Ewww.

Daria - Yes?

Mr. O'Neill - I'm just wondering if you would consider changing the part about vomiting up dinner. It's kind of yucky.

Ms. Li - It presents a distasteful picture to the student body. You know we wouldn't want people doing that.

Daria - That's the point.

Mr. O'Neill - So we're all on the same page!

Jane - A girl is so obsessed with being beautiful that it turns her into something really ugly. That's the message of the poster. (to Daria) So it takes me a while!

Mr. O'Neill - But the she looks so pretty and happy. Why not make the theme positive? Instead of "She vomits up dinner," how about "She barely touches dinner?"

Daria - You mean being that gorgeous is so tiring that she's too exhausted to eat?

Mr. O'Neill - Exactly! See, even beautiful people have problems. So, hang in there kids.

Jane - Boy you really don't get it at all do you.

Daria - Look, I didn't even want to write this stupid poem. I don't even care about what other people do to themselves. But if you change that line, the poem becomes just another phony dishonest message. It'll applaud the same thing it criticized before. Don't you see that?

Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, is it so wrong for young people to take pride in the way they look?

Daria - Do whatever you want to the poster. Just take my name off it.

Jane - And mine.

Ms. Li - Now, now, ladies, emotions are running high. Let's all take 24 hours to think about it, hmmm?

Daria - Fine.

Ms. Li - It's your decision to make!

(Daria and Jane leave)

Ms. Li - Call their parents.

(in the faculty lounge)

Mr. O'Neill - Jane Lane. Mrs. Amanda Lane. Hello Mrs. Lane! (picks up phone and dials numbers)

(no one answers)

Mr. O'Neill - (hangs up) Um, okay, Helen Morgendorffer. Hello Mrs. Morgendorffer! (picks up phone and dials numbers)

(at Helen's office)

Helen - I've got absolutely no paprework for my three o'clock, I can't find the brief I was supposed to get this morning, and my stationary still has the wrong e-mail address.

Assistant - (picks up phone) Hello?

Helen - Why the hell can't anything ever go right around here?

Assistant - Helen? It's your daughter's teacher.

Helen - Tell them I'll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday, oh and, try to find out what the assignment is and if you could get started making notes on it.

Assistant - It's your other daughter, I think.

Helen - Daria? Well then, tell them I'll talk to her about her attitude and try to find out who she insulted and what she said.

Assistant - He says that she has a rare opportunity that he'd hate to see her squander.

Helen - Oh, just give it to me. Helen Morgendorffer.

Mr. O'Neill - Hello, Mrs. Morgenfoffer, oh, Morgendorffer. This is Timothy O'Neill at Lawndale High, I'm your daughter Daria's English teacher.

Helen - Yes, is this about her essay on banning capital punishment and bringing back torture instead? Because that was obviously a joke.

Mr. O'Neill - No, Mrs. Morgendorffer, it's about a poster she helped create, see we're having a contest concerning student life at the dawn of the millenium.

Helen - Could you possibly speed this up a little I'm late for two conference calls.

Mr. O'Neill - Um, she wrote a very unpleasant poem to go with a very nice picture and I was hoping you would talk to her about maybe reconsidering and rewriting it.

Helen - Fine I'll be happy to - if this requires furthur discussion please feel free to call my husband.

Mr. O'Neill - Eh! (hangs up phone) Jake Morgendorffer. Hello, Mr. Morgendorffer. (picks up phone and dials numbers)

Jake - (runs to phone) Hello Jake Morgendorffer Jake Morgendorffer here what can I do for you? Anybody there?

Mr. O'Neill - Ah! (drops phone and runs out)

Jake - Hello? You've reached the office of Jake Morgendoffer consulting, for the love of God, if you need to be consulted.

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinner table)

Jake - More pene a la pesto anyone?

Helen - All right, you friend Jane asked you to help her make a poster.

Jake - If I ever find out who the sadist was who called today...

Helen - You can up with the idea of a pretty girl with an eating disorder.

Daria - Yup.

Helen - Daria, that is so you.

Daria - Is that a compliment or an insult?

Jake - You know, if you refridgerate this stuff the pesto kind of gets a little funky. It oxidizes or something. It's best eaten the day it's made. Now who would like some more?

Helen - Jake, would you put down the damn macarooni and ask your daughter why she has to be so cynical all the time.

Jake - It's not macarooni Helen!

Helen - She's supposed to be making a poster about student life and she comes up with the most negative message she could think of.

Daria - It's not negative It's supportive of students who don't want to be judged by their looks.

Quinn - Oh come on Daria, people like that don't exist.

Helen - Jake, ask her why she can't be upbeat once in a while.

Jake - You see Helen, if this was supposed to be macarooni and cheese it would be very bad. But it's pene a la pesto and judged by the standards of pene a la pesto it's very good.

Helen - Jake, what the hell are you talking about? Are you listening?

Jake - Of course, sure, what I mean, if this poster is supposed to be propaganda promoting student life it would be very bad. But if it's supposed to be art expressing Daria's personal vision of student life, it's very good. See?

Daria - Thanks Dad.

Helen - Ah! (dumps pene a la pesto on Jake's head)

Jake - It's oxidizing.

(walking to school)

Daria - So then, splat, dinner ends up on top of my Dad's head.

Jane - Wow, excellant. Your youthful integrity is tearing your family apart.

Daria - Well, not exactly, my mother came back and mumbled something about PMS and apoligized. But atleast we don't have to eat left over macarooni tonight.

Jane - We're still resigning from the poster contest, right? (no answer) Daria?

Daria - I told them I'd atleast listen to Mr. O'Neill's point of view. But I didn't make any promises. I mean, other than that one.

(commercial break)

(in Mr. O'Neill's classroom)

Mr. O'Neill - So you see girls I don't want to change the intent of the poster, I just want to make it more palateable. You know what they say, a spoonful of sugar helps the medecine go down.

Jane - Not if you're diabetic.

Brittany - (walks in) Excuse me, Mr. O'Neill?

Mr. O'Neill - Uh, yes?

Brittany - I want to enter my new poster in the contest.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, that's really nice. What aan affirmative message. Togetherness?

Brittany - Um, the message is, "Don't Join a Gang."

Mr. O'Neill - Oh.

Brittany - That's also the title.

Mr. O'Neill - Um, Brittany, I see the gang but I don't see anything representing "don't."

Brittany - Oh yeah. Wears my lipstick? (leaves)

Jane - And that's how good art becomes great art!

Mr. O'Neill - Anyway, I have an idea, how about you let me work on the poem for a bit. Maybe I can come up with something that's less abrasive, that gets your point across.

Daria - And if we don't like it?

Mr. O'Neill - Then forget about it and we'll leave the poster the way you made it. You can't loose. What do you say?

Daria - Okay, but quote Mary Poppins again and the deal is off.

(in Ms. Li's office)

Ms. Li - Ms. Lane and Ms. Morgendorffer. I believe you're going to be please with what Mr. O'Neill has to show you.

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jane, I really think I've done it! I've captured the essence of the message while softening the rough edges.

Daria - You stone-washed it? (reads poster) She knows she's a winner, she couldn't be thinner, because she's careful about what she eats, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Good nutrition rules. Is this a joke?

Mr. O'Neill - Smart eating habits are no joke Daria.

Jane - What does this have to do with out poster?

Mr. O'Neill - It turns a negative message into a positive one. She's not pretty because she starves herself into it, she's pretty because she takes care of herself. It's even more powerful than before! Because it's upbeat!

Jane - I see. She's not going to throw up anymore. But I might.

Daria - Don't do that, it's downbeat.

Ms. Li - You young women should be thanking Mr. O'Neill for his hard work perserving your message.

Jane - He didn't perserve it. He perverted it.

Daria - He removed all the substance and impact and turned it into meaningless drivel.

Jane - So we'd like our poster back now please.

Ms. Li - Meaning what?

Daria - Meaning we're withdrawing it from the contest according to our agreement.

Ms. Li - Excuse me girls, I didn't make any agreement.

Jane - Mr. O'Neill did.

Ms. Li - Mr. O'Neill is in no position to offer such a deal. The poster will be displayed during the school board meeting tomorrow night and then will be entered into the contest and it will bring honor and acclaim to you two and to our...

Mr. O'Neill - But Ms. Li, I did promise...

Ms. Li - I didn't.

(walking home from school)

Jane - Can she do that?

Daria - No, this is all a horrible dream brought on by too much pene a la pesto.

Jane - Don't we have a recourse or anything? Can we talk to Mr. O'Neill?

Daria - We could appeal to him, and he might turn the full force of his overwhelming personlity to Ms. Li, and then, she'd beat him.

Jane - Well, how about your mother?

Daria - How about your's?

Jane - My mother's a littl preoccupied right now. She's tracking down the source of a disturbing heat variation in her kiln. Your mother is a lawyer.

Daria - A lawyer who thinks it's a really good idea to get involved in a poster contest. The system failed us.

Jane - The system sucks. We're going to have to go outside the system.

Daria - You don't mean...

Jane - Yes.

(in Trent's car)

Trent - You did the right thing, coming to me.

Daria - Sorry we woke you up.

Trent - Don't worry about it, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Alright, here's the plan. I'll set right here with my foot on the accelerator ready to burn rubber.

Jane - Trent, pull over here and make sure you turn off the car in case you fall asleep okay?

Trent - Alternate plan. Cool.

(at school, in the hallway)

Jane - All clear?

Daria - Just about.

Jane - Wait.

Jodie - (walking up) What are you guys doing here?

Daria - Observing.

Jane - Innocently.

Jodie - I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute... What are you guys planning?

Daria - Get lost Landon.

Jane - It's for your own good.

Daria - You've got a bright future kid.

Jane - You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down.

Daria - Let's do it.

(Daria and Jane leave in Trent's car)

Ms. Li - (sees vandalized poster) What the hell?

Mr. O'Neill - Oh no!

(in Ms. Li's office)

Ms. Li - Did you really think you were going to get away with it?

Jane - Well, it would be stupid to say yes now.

Ms. Li - This is no joke! Vandalizing school property is a punishable offense! And the first thing we're going to do is call your parents! (picks up phone and dials numbers)

(no one answers)

Ms. Li - Oh bother. (picks up phone and dials numbers)

Helen - Whose butt do I have to kiss around here to get my interoffice mail before nightfall?

Assistant - Helen? It's your daughter's school. The principal.

Helen - The principal? (picks up phone) Hello?

Ms. Li - Hello Mrs. Morgendorffer. This is Angela Li, principal of Lawndale High.

Helen - Yes, Ms. Li. How may I help you?

Ms. Li - Mrs. Morgendorffer I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daughter Daria appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism.

Helen - What?

Ms. Li - Mrs. Morgendoffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the creation of a poster for our art contest.

Helen - Yes, I'm aware of that.

Ms. Li - We found part of the poster unacceptable. So it was altered prior to it's entry. Unfortunately, someone defaced the poster while it was on display and since your daughter and Ms. Lane were objecting to changing it, I must assume that they were the vandals. I'm going to have to take drastic action.

Helen - Wait a moment. You're saying the girls were against changing the poster but entered it into the contest anyway?

Ms. Li - It was entered for them.

Helen - I was under the impression that participation in this contest was voluntary.

Ms. Li - Yes, but your daughter refused to volunteer so in her case I made it mandatory.

Helen - All right Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight. You took my daughter's poster from her, altered its content, exhibited it against her will and are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property which you admit to stealing?

Ms. Li - That's now what I said at all!

Helen - Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase, violation of civil liberties? And the phrase, big fat lawsuit?

(at the pizza place)

Jane - So the only way for us to save our work was to destroy it.

Daria - Catchy phrase.

Jane - And we got away with it. You should turn this into a short story.

Daria - That's not a bad idea. And I think I already have a title for it.

Jane - Yeah?

Daria - I'm going to call it, "Student Life at the Dawn of the New Millenium"

Brittany - (walking in) I won! I won the art contest!