(at school, in Mr. DeMartino's history class)

Mr. DeMartino - And finally we will be teaming up with the Science wing and the Art department for an interdisciplinary field trip to Jim's Paintballing Jungle. An activity that some of you may find more taxing then sleeping through class!

Kevin - (waking up) Um... The League of Nations?

Mr. DeMartino - And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.

Daria - Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?

Mr. DeMartino - Your sarcasm amuses me Daria. I hope it provides you comfort when you're cowering in a fox hole. No, we're going to study how warfare affects all aspects of culture. Now, we're going to need parent volunteers. That is if anyone can pull themselves away from their six figure jobs as sycophants!

Kevin - (raises hand)

Mr. DeMartino - Yes, Kevin?

Kevin - My Dad's not a sycophant Mr. D. He's a contracter!

Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, stay close to me when you get to the paintballing range okay son?

Kevin - Sure!

Mr. DeMartino - He he he he he he he he...

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

SSW - Are fish using our oceans as their own private toilet? A Sick Sad World exclusive, right after this.

Quinn - (walks in)

Daria - The bathroom's down the hall. Or theres an ocean that way.

Quinn - Ugh. This room is even geekier then I remembered.

Daria - I'm sorry, the maximum occupancy is one. Please exit through the front...

Quinn - Look, I know how you like to embarass me and say we're related and stuff but please don't tell Mom and Dad that they're looking for paintballing voluteers okay?

Daria - But I already sent out their invitations.

Quinn - Ha ha. You didn't, right?

Daria - Relax. We work together for the sake of a common goal. No mention of paintballing or volunteering. From either one of us.

Quinn - Agreed.

Daria - Later, after we achieved this goal, we'll resume the age old hostilities that has brought peace to this region of the house a seeming impossibilty.

(sitting around the dinner table)

Helen - Quinn?

Quinn - (wearing braids) Do you think this hair style means something? Because it doesn't.

Helen - But you never...

Quinn - Can't I experiment with a new look if I want to?

Helen - Of course, but I...

Quinn - All right, all right, the whole school's going on a paintballing field trip.

Daria - Put away the red hot poker.

Quinn - The fashion club put me in charge of figuring out a style to prevent helmet hair I didn't know they were going to do it I can take all this pressure...

Daria - Don't beat yourself up. You held out a good ten seconds.

Helen - Paintballing! That's exciting isn't is Daria.

Daria - No.

Helen - Daria this trip would be very good for you. You'll get to know your school mates and your teachers. I smell recommendations for college!

Daria - That's funny. All I smell is 15 pounds of magic braid hair gel.

Helen - Those letters can make the difference in getting into your first choice school.

Daria - Only if you have a first choice school.

Jake - (walks in)

Helen - Jake, tell Daria...

Jake - Oh my God I have to fix that loose floorboard all the way at the other end of the house. (leaves)

Helen - Actually I should probably deal with these teachers directly.

Daria - Hey, do you want to finish out the semester for me?

Helen - It's what an involved parent would do.

Daria - Mom, I think you've already demonstrated your involvement by pretending you're going out of town whenever Mr. O'Neill calls about school review meetings.

Helen - That man is just so creepy. I don't suppose they need volunteers for this...

Daria and Quinn - NO!

Helen - Oh Darn.

(on the bus)

Mr. O'Neill - All right! Now lets see which side of the bus can sing the loudest! Left side! When Johnny comes marching home again, ha-ra! Ha-ra! Come on left side, don't be shy.

Mr. DeMartino - Thank you Mr. O'Neill, for your tireless dedication to reminding the students how out of touch we are. Now we're going to discuss the history of guerilla warfare.

Jane - (reading sign outside) "Only 20 miles to the Great White Shark." You know sharks don't really like to eat humans, they usually just tear out a bite and swim away.

Daria - Very much like my sister's dates.

Jane - I mean sure, they often take a vital organ or two with them...

Daria - I appreciate you trying to cheer me up. But it's not going to work.

Brittany - Come on! Let's play a word game!

Jodie - How about geography?

Kevin - Nah, you have to like know stuff for that. What about Monopoly?

Mack - Monopoly isn't a word game.

Kevin - I know that. Can I be the racing car?

(on the other bus)

Sandi - So it's decided. No matter what happens we won't shoot each other and mess up our outfits. If I fire on a fellow fashion club member, may I wear brown pants with an elastic band for a whole week.

Quinn - If I fire, I'll wear taupe pantyhose. The shiny kind.

Stacey - Stonewashed jeans.

Sandi - Glasses.

Joey - Quinn, don't worry about anyone hitting you. I'll protect you.

Jeffy - Me too! I'll be your body gaurd! They'll have to kill me first.

Quinn - Well, okay!

Jamie - I really want to take a bullet for you.

Mrs. Barch - Oh, if only you could.

(on the bus)

Kevin - Okay, so let's say it's Mack's turn. He says, I never went steady with two people at the same time. And then Jodie, if you never went steady with two people at the same time, then you dno't take a drink.

Jodie - A drink of what? We're on a bus.

Kevin - But I like, have gone steady with two people at the same time so I do take a drink. Get it?

Brittany - (glares at him)

Kevin - Um, uh, I mean, oh no!

Jane - Come on! Let's ditch paintballing and go visit the great white shark. It'll be cool.

Daria - No it won't, it'll be stupid. And we're already doing something stupid.

Jane - But this stupid thing will be our idea.

Daria - Not interested. There are plenty of tiny-brained prehistoric creatures right here.

(sound of Brittany and Kevin fighting)

(everyone gets off bus)

Helen and Jake - Surprise!

Quinn - Ah!

Jane - What are they doing here?

Daria - I guess tormenting in the privacy of my own home wasn't enough.

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, isn't this great? I called your mother about the school review board meeting but she was going out of town that night and asked if we were looking for paintball volunteers! I only wish more parents cared enough to take such an active role in their child's education.

Jake - Me too!

Helen - Yes...

Daria - If we walk fast, we can see the great white shark by ten.

(commercial break)

Jim - We also have an exact replica of 'nam's infamous POW prison. Special rates for weddings.

Sandi - Colonel, or whatever. Where's the lady's room?

Jim - Or there are comfort stations scattered about but they're really well camoflauged. Hey you! Come here!

Jake - Me?

Jim - Watch this! (pushed Jake into hole in ground)

Jake - Ahhhh!

Helen - Jake!

Jim - Isn't it great? A whole labyrinth of underground tunnels. You could get lost down there for days.

Jake - Yeah, great. Uck, worms.

Mr. O'Neill - So cease this golden opportunity to say, private young person reporting sir or madam. Ready, willing and able to learn the true meaning of team work.

Brittany - Let's go team!

Mr. O'Neill - That's it Brittany! Who else on team red wants to say something before we begin? Jane -

Jane - (silent)

Mr. O'Neill - Now Jane, there's no I in team.

Ms. Barch - Oh shut up.

Mr. DeMartino - To understand the distruptive nature of war on society, first we must understand it's shattering impact on individuals. I realize it's foolish of me to assume that any member of team blue knows what physical pain feels like outside of a paper cut!

Jake - Yeah, what a bunch of...

Mr. DeMartino - (points gun at him)

Jake - Ahh!

Mr. DeMartino - Sorry, false alarm!

Jake - That's okay.

Stacey - Eww, that's your uncle?

Mr. DeMartino - Now, the object of the game is to shoot to kill.

Daria - Excuse me, isn't the object of the game to capture the enemy's flag?

Mr. DeMartino - Whatever. Move out!

Mr. O'Neill - Now, before we go out on the battle field, would anyone like to share their feelings...

Ms. Barch - (shoots paintball into air)

Mr. O'Neill - (runs away sobbing)

Ms. Barch - Now that Mr. O'Neill has predictably deserted us in our prime, I will take command. Now, if we spread out in a long line and sweep towards the flag...

Brittany - Excuse me, Ms. Barch? Since they can't see us very well because of the terrain, we can split up and they won't know where we are, then we can attack them from three sides, drive them out to the one side that they think is save and then set up an ambush so we can capture them all at once! Probably be a good idea to set up a secret observation post on the high ground so we can watch them without them seeing us! What?

Ms. Barch - That's very good Brittany.

Brittany - Okay team, let's go! Come on Jane!

Jane - I'm more of the mercenary type. You know, lone wolf working on their own type thing.

Brittany - Good idea Jane. If Plan A fails, you can come in on a rescue mission!

Ms. Barch - The men are shooting!

Jane - Ow! Those paintball thingys hurt.

Brittany - Oh no, you're hit, you're out of the game.

Jane - Damnit! Oh well.

Brittany - Poor kid. She never had a chance.

Daria - (in head) Somebody in a movie once said hell is the possibility of sanity. That's what this place feels like. Hell. I hate it already. Some damn our, Grandma.

(sees Helen, surrenders)

Helen - Daria, you could atleast try.

Daria - I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.

Helen - I'm out here giving me all, why can you for once (phone rings) Morgendoffer! Oh hi Eric! Yes, I'm out here in the middle of the woods, can you believe it? Memo? Didn't Stephany give it to you?

Daria - Ow!

Jane - Sorry.

Daria - What took you so long?

Jane - I stopped to wipe out a village of farmers.

Quinn - I mean just becuase you dump a guy for his older cuter brother does that give him the right to hold a grudge?

Stacey - That's so immature.

Tiffany - You know, if I knew we were going to be running around in the dirt I wouldn't have worn my good sneakers.

Jodie - Will you quiet down? I think I see something.

Stacey - Hey Quinn, is that your cousin?

Qiunn - (starts to shoot at Sandi)

Tiffany - Way to go Quinn.

Stacey - Our leader!

Sandi - (shoots back)

(the fashion club shoot at each other)

Tiffany - Hey, I just bought this.

Sandi - (takes off helmet and goggles)

Quinn - Sandi? What are you doing here?

Sandi - I was looking for the bathroom and all of a sudden you started shooting at me, I thought we promised not to do that.

Quinn - I would never fire you at Sandi, I didn't recognize you with your goggles.

Tiffany - Yeah, why are you wearing them anyway, they're so ugly.

Sandi - Because those are the rules.

Quinn - Well some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top.

Stacey - Or black mascara with blond hair.

Quinn - Besides, you were already hit and that's against the rules too.

Tiffany - Yeah.

Sandi - Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side maybe Quinn should be president of the fashion club.

Quinn - Don't be silly. I would never try to be president. As long as you were around.

Sandi - Really?

Quinn - Sure, I mean, do you really think I could replace you?

Mr. DeMartino - Okay Kevin, do you think that atrophy pea-sized cluster of cells that you refer to as your brain can remember the complicated instructions I just gave you?

Kevin - Um, get the flag?

Mr. DeMartino - Very good Kevin.

Brittany - Freeze babe.

Kevin - Ow! Those paintball thingys hurt! I'm going to get a welt!

Brittany - War's not pretty Kevy. Hi-ya! (kicks away Mr. DeMartino's gun)

Ms. Barch - (shoots Mr. DeMartino) Rotten dirt bag liars! All of you!

Brittany - Ms. Barch! Stop shooting, those paintball thingys hurt!

Ms. Barch - I trusted you damnit, two decades of legal slavery and still you throw it all away for a halter top and a pair of pumps.

Mr. DeMartino - Madam I believe you've got me confused with someone else! I'm not your ex-husband!

Ms. Barch - I know that! But he's not here!

(Daria and Jane walking to see the shark - it starts to rain)

Daria - Good, I was feeling too dry.

(commercial break)

Daria - Maybe we should turn back.

Jane - Maybe your mother will lend you a raincoat.

Daria - Shut up and keep walking.

Jane - We're hear to see the Great White Shark.

Lady - Oh it's a beauty, ain't it.

Daria - It's a tooth.

Lady - You wouldn't say, "It's a tooth." if you know the legend of great white.

(in tent)

Helen - Woman have been programmed to lie about their age for so long no wonder people think 40 looks like 50. I'm glad that's over.

Ms. Li - Amen! Thank God men no longer look at us like sex objects.

Helen - You said it, sister. So do I look like forty tw... four?

(in another tent)

Mr. O'Neill - Would you like my...

Ms. Barch - Forget it, you man!

Mr. O'Neill - But I was just offering my...

Ms. Barch - Twenty two years of my life, gone! And all I have to show for tending to your every need are the corns on my feet and a big rash on my chest.

Mr. O'Neill - Go ahead, it's all right, let it out.

Mrs. Barch - Oh why don't you just go back outside with your war mongering sex and destroy something weak.

Mr. O'Neill - That feels good doesn't it. You have every right to feel angry and to express that anger.

Ms. Barch - Huh?

(in another tent)

Jake - Hi! It's raining cats and dogs out there!

Mr. DeMartino - What do you need, perspective on the situation?

Jake - Want a little nip, to warm you up?

Mr. DeMartino - Mr. Morgendoffer, I'm a teacher, responsible fo dozens of students on a fairly hazardous filed trip. Do you think I need a little nip?

Jake - I just thought...

Mr. DeMartino - No, I think not! Gimme that! (gulps down alcohol)

(at the Great White Shark)

Lady - Until Great White was captured two monthes ago, he terrorized the eastern sea boarder, chomping on tourists and spitting them out like bad red wine.

Jane - Excellant.

Lady - It was the peak of tourist season when a mangled body washed up on the shore, scaring the beach combers...

(at the Hanoi Hilton)

Jeffy - Which one of us do you like best?

Quinn - Which one of you wants to take me to Chez Pierre?

Joey - I'll take you!

Jamie - No, no, me! I've got the money!

Sandi - Quinn's so cute.

Tiffany - Yeah.

Sandi - Cuter than me?

Tiffany - Oh no. You're way cuter.

Sandi - Not that looks are important.

Tiffany - No way.

Sandi - I wish I could find the bathroom.

Tiffany - I think it's over there somewhere.

(Sandi leaves)

Quinn - Where's Sandi?

Tiffany - Oh, you know Sandi. Always looking for a bathroom.

Quinn - She looks really cute today.

Tiffany - Umm hmm.

Quinn - Cuter than me?

Tiffany - Oh no. You're way cuter.

(at the Great White Shark)

Lady - Of course the mayor claimed that the chewed up bodies were the victims of a propeller, but the people knew better.

Daria - Excuse me, isn't this the plot of Jaws?

Lady - No no, this is completely different. That's when they called in the great white shark hunter. That's when they called in me.

(in a tent)

Ms. Li - I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Helen - Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself. With Jake.

Ms. Li - Of course I like to think the school enviroment also plays a pivotal role.

Helen - Absolutely. Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement. Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude.

Ms. Li - Ha ha.

Helen - Did I say something funny?

Ms. Li - With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an attitude like your daughter's, much less a school. No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents or lack of it.

Helen - Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school. Because from what I've heard you run the one pretty much like the other.

Ms. Li - I don't have to listen to this!

Helen - No, you don't.

Ms. Li - And by the way, you look fifty!

(at the Great White Shark)

Lady - I tried harpooning Great White. But the massive beast shook them off like so many toothpicks. I tried tying him down with floating barrels, but no. Great White said, "I will have none of this!" So the captain decided...

Jane - The rain's letting up. Let's get out of here.

Lady - Then that little snot Richard Dreyfus...

(in another tent)

Mr. O'Neill - Just what good is signing a prenuptual agreement with another if we don't first sign one with ourselves.

Ms. Barch - I never thought it possible. You're sensitive, yet you're a male. (pounces on Mr. O'Neill and kisses him) Watch the rash.

(in another tent)

Jake - I didn't mean to step on Dad's contact. The next day, he shipped me off to military school.

Mr. DeMartino - My mother didn't want her dates to know she had a son, so I spent a lot of time at the neighbors. Strange, twisted people.

Jake - I know! I had the same neighbors!

Helen - (bursting in) Jake! You're drunk!

Jake - Drunk? Don't be silly!

Joey - Quinn, come on!

Jeffy - Quinn! We're leaving!

Jamie - Quinn! Come back!

Mr. DeMartino - When Johnny comes marching home again ha-ra, ha-ra...

Mr. O'Neill - All right, is everyone accounted for?

Quinn - Yes. Okay, time to go!

Mr. O'Neill - Wait! I don't see the Morgendorffers.

Daria - Oh well, what can you do.

Ms. Li - Besides, they drove here. They can drive themselves home. That is, if someone hadn't taken their distributer cap.

(buses drive off)

Sandi - Ah! Wait! Ah!

(in tunnel)

Helen - Drinking on a school trip when you're supposed to be showing the girls that you're committed.

Jake - Committed? Oh, I've been commited all right, I never had a trial!

Helen - Just wait till I have enough room to reload.

Jake - No! Helen! Those paintball thingys hurt! The horror, the horror.