(at school, in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - Now, as I'm handing back your essays, you may have strong feelings about the competitive and discouraging aspects of grading. I care about what you have to say. Who would like to start?

Jamie - Is an F+ the same as a D-?

Mr. O'Neill - I don't believe I've ever heard of an F+ Jordan. But we can talk about it.

Quinn - So she said, I got those eggshell leggings like you told me. And I said, eggshell? I told you egg plant!

Stacy - You're kidding!

(Quinn and Stacy laugh)

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn? Was there something you wanted to say?

Quinn - Um, I didn't get my essay back.

Mr. O'Neill - That's true Quinn. I'm afraid I need to see you after class.

Stacy - I'll save you a place at the mirror.

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, I'm so sorry but we need to talk about your performance.

Quinn - Okay, but I'm kinda in a rush today.

Mr. O'Neill - Let's go over our last assignment, "How I feel about poly culturalism." You wrote, "I definately prefer all cotton."

Quinn - I didn't copy it if that's what you mean.

Mr. O'Neill - No, no I believe you. The thing is, now I don't want to panic or upset you, please, take this in a constructive spirit. But I'm afraid you're not doing well in language arts.

Quinn - Okay. See you tomorrow! (starts to leave)

Mr. O'Neill - I don't think you understand! You're going to have to get an A on your next essay to maintain a passing grade!

Quinn - You mean, passing? As in passing or failing?

Mr. O'Neill - Yes! But don't worry! All it will take is some commitment, dedication, and some hard work!

Quinn - Oh no!

Mr. O'Neill - You can do it Quinn! You know, when I was in high school, I wanted more than anything to be on the high school gymnastic team. But I just couldn't master the high bar. So I practiced everyday!

Quinn - And the big tryout came and you made the team.

Mr. O'Neill - Well, no. But that winter I learned how to ride holding a pencil in my teeth.

(at home)

Helen - Quinn? What is the meaning of this? I put in another 12 hour day and the first thing I see when I get home... (sees Jake sleeping) Jake!

Jake - Ah! I'm up!

Helen - Where are the girls?

Jake - They were here before. I think.

Helen - I'm very upset about this.

Jake - Oh yeah, I know! See, I was trying to call the number for movie phone, and out of nowhere this woman comes on the line...

Helen - Jake, what are you talking about?

Jake - That's not the phone bill. I, what is that?

Helen - It's a letter from Quinn's English teacher. She's going to fail English because she's not putting in any effort. I'm going to go talk to her.

Jake - Wait a minute. Why can't I ever be the one to talk to the girls?

Helen - Honey, it's not that you can't. It's just, a strong parenting team, is like a singing group. The lead singer carries the tune, and the back-up singers support her. That's you!

Jake - But what do the back-up singers do?

Helen - You chime in on just the right moment and then you fade into the background. Doesn't that make sense?

Jake - Do I get a tamborine or something?

Quinn - (walks in) Mom, can I borrow... (sees Helen with letter) Um, I'm just going to go run down to the animal shelter and see about volunteering. I heard they got in a new bunch of sick birds.

Helen - Quinn, this note came from school.

Quinn - Don't worry, all I have to do is get like an A on my next essay and I'm fine.

Daria - (walks in) I'll take the vegas odds on that one.

Helen - Daria, we need to be encouraging. Sit down Quinn. Honey, this isn't just about one essay, it's about setting goals in life and going after them. You know, when I was in high school, I wanted more than anything to join the swim...

Quinn - (holds ears) No! No! Please, not again.

Helen - Huh?

Daria - Mom? If you're going to reminise, I'm afraid I'll be forced to call Social Services.

Helen - All right Quinn. Let me try to put it another way. No matter what you do in life, a solid education...

Quinn - You gave this talk when I got caught cutting my... when I forgot where my math class was.

Jake - Helen, let me. Honey, did you ever here the tale of the ant and the grasshopper?

Quinn - Ewwww! Bugs?!?!

Helen - Try imagining it this way Quinn...

Daria - You could be left back and be the oldest freshman at Lawndale High.

Quinn - You know what? I gotta get to work. Bye! (leaves)

Jake - That's my girl!

Helen - You see how it's done?

(outside of Daria's room)

Quinn - (knocks on door) Daria, are you in there?

Daria - No, I'm taking it easy in Tahiti for a few days.

Quinn - (walks in)

Daria - Hang on, I'm just ordering another tray of coconut daqueries.

Quinn - Um, I was wondering if...

Daria - I don't think so.

Quinn - I just need a little help with my essay. Like, could you write it for me?

Daria - And what's my motivation again?

Quinn - Come on Daria, we're sisters! We gotta stick together.

Daria - Unless we're in public, you mean.

Quinn - But you're so smart, and this essay's so important. Believe me, I would do it myself but I have a date.

Daria - Oh, that's different. When does the subject of compensation come up?

Quinn - Ten?

Daria - Twenty.

Quinn - Fifteen.

Daria - Done.

Quinn - Thanks Daria. This is going to work out for both of us. I mean, I get my essay written and for once you'll have something to do on a Friday night instead of sitting around like a loser, you know?

Daria - That's it Shakespeare. Do your own damn homework.

(doorbell rings)

Daria - (opens door)

Corey - Um, is this Quinn's house?

Daria - Someone by that name does live here.

Corey - Cool!

Daria - She's upstairs doing school work.

Corey - I gotta pay more attention when I get these addresses.

Quinn - Corey, I just came down to say I can't see you tonight. I have to write an essay.

Corey - He, he, he, he, he. Good one! Come on, I'm got a special evening planned. Let's go, before there's a line at the drive-in.

Quinn - No really Corey, I have work to do and you have to leave. Sorry!

Corey - Quinn, what have they done to you!

Quinn - (slams door in Corey's face)

Daria - Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?

Quinn - Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.

Daria - Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thourough, it's almost like depth.

Quinn - Thanks. All right, twenty.

Daria - No.

Quinn - Fine! I hope you realize you're making me do my own homework!

Daria - That is a scary thought.

(at school, in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - I have a special surprise everyone. One of our students have so improved since last week's essay, I'm going to share her work with the class.

Quinn - I really like your leggings.

Stacey - Yeah, but now I have a shoe thing. Strappies?

Quinn - Plat-form jellies!

Stacey - Quinn, you're so smart!

Quinn - Only about important stuff.

Mr. O'Neill - Quinn?

Quinn - Um, I didn't get my paper back.

Mr. O'Neill - That's right Quinn, because I'm going to read it aloud.

Quinn - Oh no.

Mr. O'Neill - "Academic Imprisonment. By Quinn Morgendorffer."

(class laughs)

(commercial break)

(at school, in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - So go ahead, lock me up with your homework and your tests! Rob my freedom with your reading and your thinking! As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between school and prison is the wardrobe. Or do you want to take away my outfits, too? The End. Wow. Would anyone like to share their reaction?

Quinn - May I please change schools?

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Helen - There. Now it's on full display.

Daria - Quite the door of achievement.

Jake - Come on kiddo, you want to encourage your sister don't you?

Daria - To get her own place, yeah.

Quinn - (walks in)

Jake - Hey! It's my daughter the genius.

Helen - Are own academic achiever.

Jake - We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?

Daria - Sure. If you mean proud as in, stunned.

Quinn - Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I can ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get a little present.

Helen - Now Quinn, I really think...

Jake - I'll handle this. You're absolutely right sweetheart. You get an A, you should be rewarded. (hands her a twenty) Here ya go!

Quin - Thanks Dad.

Daria - Wait, isn't that a double standard?

Jake - Huh?

Daria - You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?

Jake - Yeah, but this is a special occasion so Quinn gets a special reward! It's a motivational thing.

Daria - But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?

Helen - Yes Jake, where are you going with this?

Jake - I wasn't finished. Daria, should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work. (hands her money)

Quinn - Hey!

Jake - And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort!

Daria - But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time? Perhaps with compound interest?

Jake - Here, just take it! (throws down wallet) Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!

(at school, in the hallways)

Joey - Hey Quinn, you're famous.

Quinn - Oh you guys, I'm just really popular.

Jeffy - He's talking about your essay. In the Lawndale Lowdown.

Quinn - It's in the school paper?

Jamie - It's in the smart thoughts column.

Quinn - I'm ruined.

Jane - "Academic Inprisonment, by Quinn Morgendorffer."

Daria - It's great, isn't it?

Jane - "No light shines through these four brick walls. For the school is my prison, and its teachers my imprisoners."

Daria - I'll bet you didn't even know that the word "imprisoners" existed.

Jane - Yeah, but now I can't wait to use it. Why exactly is this great?

Daria - Because now Quinn's going to see firsthand what is feels like to be a brain.

(in the cafeteria)

Jane - Listen to this. "Like a hamster on one of those wheel things, school runs us around and around until we yearn for the food pellet. But only more homework awaits." You know? It's like she read my mind.

Daria - Right after you suffer a severe blow to the head.

Quinn - (walks in wearing hat and sunglasses) Could you put that away, there's everywhere.

Daria - What are you doing here? Bomb scare at your table?

Quinn - Keep it down okay? I'm trying to keep a low profile since the paper came out.

Daria - Lucky for you the Pulitzer Commitee has already finished eating.

Jane - They had the meatloaf.

Quinn - Ha.

Daria - You must be very excited about what people are calling you.

Quinn - What?

Jane - Brains Morgengorffer.

Quinn - Come on, because of one little essay?

Daria - It's a slippery slope. Behold the future. (looks over at table of nerds)

Quinn - Ewww.

Jane - Last week they were trying out for football. Then they won one debate tournament.

Quinn - What am I gonna to do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!

Daria - Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make at chess club!

Quinn - Maybe I can steal all the newspapers before anyone else reads them.

Daria - Hey, wait a minute brains, you don't even have lunch this period do you.

Quinn - Of course not! I cut science so I can talk to you. You think I'd sit with you while my grade is at lunch?

Daria - About that being mistaken for a brain thing. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

(in the hallway)

Brittany - Why do you have to study during study hall anyway?

Kevin - Quinn's tutoring me in English so I can stay on the football team. Mr. O'Neill set it up.

Brittany - Kevy, I could tutor you! I speak English too you know.

Kevin - Babe, I've got a plan.

Brittany - I'll bet you do, you, you high school casablanca!

Kevin - No babe, I'm doing this for us. I'm going to like observe the way a brain acts, and then we could act that way and be cool too.

Brittany - Oh Kevy, you're so smart, you're already a brain in my eyes.

Kevin - Thanks babe.

Daria - Only Quinn could turn being smart into a fad.

Jane - Don't worry. Today's brains, tomorrow pierced tongues. Then the next day, pierced brains.

Daria - Well, it's not like it's going to get her anywhere.

Quinn - (walking by) So then Mr. O'Neill said I could skip the rest of his class and leave early because he said I was catching on so fast. Isn't that great?

(in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Daria - You asked to see me?

Mr. O'Neill - Daria, you know I'm a big, big fan of your writing. But lately it seems kinda, I don't know, flat. I was hoping for something a little more, jazzy!

Daria - You want me to put in a drum solo?

Mr. O'Neill - I was wondering how you'd feel about some one on one tutoring. Sort of a, mini writing workshop. There's somebody I want you to meet. She should be here any minute...

Quinn - (walks in) Hi, you wanted me to... (sees Daria) help... somebody?

Mr. O'Neill - Do you two know each other?

(outside)

Daria - I should have said I don't need tutoring to write like her. Just some big crayons.

Jane - Tough day.

Daria - I'm not letting it get to me.

Jane - Yeah, I can see that.

Quinn - Look everyone! I wrote another poem while I was eating my fries.

Joey - Hey!

Jeffy - Hey! My turn to read! The greasy fry, it can not lie. It's truth is written, on your thighs.

Joey - Wow. That's amazing.

Jamie - Beautiful.

Jeffy - Genius.

Quinn - I know!

Daria - Hold it, I think I feel a poem coming on. (burps) Sorry, false alarm.

(in the hallway)

Quinn - Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anything.

Sandi - Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?

Quinn - And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money for those poems in greeting cards?

Stacy - Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free!

Daria - (puts head in locker) Do me a favor will you?

Jane - Yeah?

Daria - Close my locker.

(at Daria's house, in Quinn's room)

Daria - Did a mime crawl in here and die?

Quinn - I'm putting together an outfit. For your information, this is how deep people dress.

Daria - Yeah, deeply affected people.

Quinn - Thank you. By the way, do you know what existential means? Because today someone told me my writing was existential so I thought I should coordinate, you know, with wardrobe?

Daria - Yeah, that's what Camus would have done. For your purposes, existential means, pseudo-intellectual poser, with accessories from the street fair.

Quinn - Listen, I'm still available if you want some help with your writing. Does this black match?

Daria - Matches my mood.

(commercial break)

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

SSW - Can renegade surgeons transplant your brain while you sleep? The frightening truth, next on Sick, Sad World.

Jake - (walks in) Is something bothering you Daria?

Daria - (pillow on head) No.

Jake - You know, it's all right to have a heart to heart with Dad. I've been known to do a little parenting in my time.

Daria - It's okay.

Jake - What's on your mind? I'm up on the issues. Drugs, peer pressure! Or is it a problem with a gang?

Daria - It's more of a personal issue.

Jake - It's not, hygeine or anything...

Daria - Dad, let's say you have an identity that you didn't even like.

Jake - Oh sure! Like, one day you wake up middle aged and resenting the hell out of it.

Daria - Um, okay. But even though you don't like this identity, somebody comes along and steals it from you.

Jake - And you're upset. You earned that resentment, it's your right.

Daria - Well, it's more like, you didn't want this identity, but if they take it away, you've got nothing. What do you do?

Jake - They took your identity Daria? Then you walk away. You change your name, move to another state, get some ID. It's not too late to start over Daria, it's not too late! You're still a young man! You don't have to live with your mistakes! Get out while you can!

Daria - Um, you're not gonig to shake me are you?

Jake - What I meant was, you hang in there and everything's going to be all right.

Daria - Dad, talking to you has made me feel better about myself.

Jake - That's what I'm here for, kiddo.

Daria - (leaves)

Jake - Back-up singer. Ha!

(at school, in the cafeteria)

Quinn - Yeah, I just found out that poems don't even have to rhyme. How easy is that?

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Wow! That great! Wow! She's so smart.

Sandi - (walks up) There's a problem Quinn. We need to talk.

Quinn - What problem?

Sandi - It seems that other girls are following your weirdo example and abandoning their fashion statementa to wear all black.

Quinn - Dressing in all black is a fashion statement. It's deep, it's meaningful, and it's slenderizing.

Sandi - Not according to this. (holds up Waif magazine) Everyone knows that eggplant is the current neutral.

Quinn - Well I can't help it if I have influence around here. People admire me for my brains.

Sandi - That's not how the Fashion Club works. You're officially ordered to take a fashion sabaticle until you get your priorities straight.

(in the hallway)

Sandi - I'm concerned about Quinn. We need someone close to her to make her see the error of her ways.

Tiffany - But, who?

Sandi - I have a plan. We'll talk to that girl she knows.

Stacy - You're so smart Sandi!

Sandi - And you'll notice, I don't make like, a big thing about it.

Tiffany - But that girl is so weird. She freaks me out.

Sandi - That's why I'm president of the fashion club. I'll handle her. (walks up to Daria) Uh, um, ah, urp. (walks away)

Daria - What do you think that was about?

Jane - I supposed we'll never know.

Daria - Jane, look closely. Have I grown another head.

Jane - No, just the two.

Daria - See ya. (leaves)

Quinn - (walks up) What's wrong with her?

Jane - Nothing.

Quinn - Anything a little brain power can fix?

Jane - I think she's had about her fill of that.

Quinn - Can I ask you something?

Jane - What?

Quinn - You don't think I'm a brain, do you?

Jane - The thought never crossed my mind.

Quinn - Mine either. I mean, I really like the way this getting to Daria, but I'm starting to feel like a phoney.

Jane - You're starting to feel like a phoney?

Quinn - So I wrote a stupid essay, what's everyone making such a big deal about?

Jane - Well you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited. Ask, Pavalov.

Quinn - The custodian?

Jane - Wow. Nevermind. Return to your world, and I'll return to mine.

(at Jane's house, in Jane's room)

Jane - Hmm, by the way, anything eating away at your soul?

Daria - Her writing's bad. Don't people know the difference between good and bad?

Jane - She's cute. There's different standards for cute people.

Daria - You mean, no standards.

Jane - Right.

Daria - Isn't there ever a time when how you look doesn't affect how you're judged?

Jane - When you donate an organ. Unless it's your eyes. Listen, it's not big deal.

Daria - The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be?

Jane - You're still a brain.

Daria - Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair. I can't compete.

Jane - Okay, then you get to be... A super brain. An even bigger outcast than before.

Daria - I don't think I can survive being a super brain.

Jane - Then she's got to be stopped. But how?

Daria - Oh, I know how, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Until now.

(at school, in the hallway)

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - (walks up)

Daria - Yes?

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - Um, well, actually, Daria? I mean... No, nevermind. (start to leave)

Daria - Wait.

Jeffy - No, um, it's a mistake. We thought...

Daria - If you squinted hard enough maybe I'd look like a different Morgendorffer?

Joey - Um...

Daria - Look, do you really want Quinn back?

Jeffy - Yes.

Jamie - A thousand times yes.

Joey - Bring her back! You gotta bring her back!

Daria - Then do exactly what I say, and I'll deliver the goods.

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Daria - (dressing up like Quinn) Hi! Could you get me a soda?

(doorbell rings)

Jake- Hey dudes! Quinn! Your dates are here!

Joey - Actually, we're here to ask Daria out.

Jake - Huh?

Jeffy - You know, your other daughter.

Jamie - By the way, how's Quinn?

Jeffy - Shut up Jamie.

Daria - Hi Quinn.

Quinn - Hi Daria.

Daria - Well, I'm off for my dates. One... two...

Quinn - Ugh! Wait! You win, all right?

(at school, in the hallway)

Quinn - Yeah, I didn't even write the essay, I found it in the garbage and handed it in. The whole thing was like a run away train.

Sandi - Well that still doesn't explain black clothes. But I guess I can let it slide.

Quinn - Don't worry, I'm through being an intellectual. I'm too well-adjusted.

Tiffany - Messing with the mind can be so dangerous.

Quinn - Tell me about it.

Jane - I guess things are back to normal.

Daria - Fashion... Good. Thinking... Bad.

Jane - Yeah, we win.

Daria - I'm on top of the world.

(closing credits)