(outside of Daria's house)

Daria - I don't think you thought this through. What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?

Jane - They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya.

(inside)

Helen - (on phone) Rita that's so wonderful, I'm so happy for you, you and Erin both.

(outside)

Daria - Ah, you better take a hike.

Jane - Why?

Daria - My mom's talking to Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty.

Jane - Gotcha. Later, huh.

Daria - That remains to be seen.

(inside)

Helen - (on phone) I can't believe it. Little Erin getting married. She's not rushing into this I hope. Oh, no, no, of course not. Twenty-one is... I'm not implying anything for goodness sake Rita. I'm just... This is so exciting. Where? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That sounds lovely. I presume Mom's footing the bill? No, no.

Jake - You're cousin Erin is getting married.

Daria - So I gathered.

Jake - You know there'll be hell to pay.

Helen - (sits down) Well I guess you all heard the wonderful news. Little Erin is getting married. At the Windsorhills Resort in Leesville.

Jake - Whoa-ho! That'll set Rita back a pretty penny.

Helen - Not Rita. Mother. Nothing but the best for her favorite daughter's darling offspring.

Jake - Windsorhills. They've got that legendary thirteenth hole!

Helen - Forget it Jake, no golf. Wedding.

Daria - I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this.

Helen - On the contrary sweetie, you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids. I made sure of that.

Daria - Bridesmaids?

Quinn - Can I dye my hair if the dress doesn't match?

(downtown Lawndale)

Daria - What a hideous twist of fate. Me, a bridesmaid.

Jane - Aw, it won't be that bad, I mean sure you'll have to wear some frilly peach color dress that makes you look like a circus freak. And you'll be pinched on the cheeks by old Uncles who still think you're six years old. And...

Daria - Here we are.

(inside Wedding Dress store)

Sales Lady - I'm sorry, we only do weddings. No funerals.

Daria - Believe me, I prefer a funeral.

Sales Lady - You don't have to get married if you don't want to. Or do you?

Daria - I'm a bridesmaid, in the Chambers-Danielson Wedding?

Sales Lady - Um hm. Here it is. Pity. They're such lovely dresses.

(in the fitting room)

Sales Lady - Nature didn't see fit to give you much in the way of hips, did she deary.

Daria - I think I'm going to be ill. Is that a problem for you?

Sales Lady - Turn around please.

Jane - Oh Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day.

Daria - I will kill you. And bury you body, in this dress.

(Brittany and Jodie walk in)

Brittany - Daria?

Brittany and Daria - What are you doing here?

Jane - Isn't is obvious? An Arab Sheikson decided to buy more wives.

Brittany - They're putting a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!

Daria - A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students.

Jodie - It's a fundraiser, for extracurriculer activities.

Jane - I wonder what extracurriculer activities would lead to a wedding.

Brittany - What about you? Are you in a play or something?

Daria - Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln. After she went crazy.

Brittany - I didn't know she went crazy.

Jane - Oh yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.

Brittany - Wow.

Jodie - Come on Brittany, let's finish out fitting and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.

Brittany - You mean the bullet didn't kill him?

(Jodie and Brittany walk away)

Daria - Ouch!

Sales Lady - Hold still. I'm having a hard enough time with your body as it is.

Daria - Well, I think my humiliation is complete now.

Quinn - (walks in wearing perfectly fitted dress) It does match my hair!

Daria - I spoke too soon.

(in the car)

Jake - I don't know why you didn't let me bring the golf clubs.

Helen - Jake, we're here to see our family. Not to have fun.

Jake - Who's escorting your sister to this anyway?

Helen - Well, she dumped the sculptor. The sky-diving instructer had a horrible accident. And I believe that Bruno is in some federal facility. So I don't know...

Jake - That Rita sure knows how to pick them.

(drives up to Windsorhills)

Quinn - Wow

Daria - Red rum! Red rum!

Jake - This will cost your mother a fortune!

Helen - Well what else should she spend her money on? Something boring like a college funds for her other granddaugthers?

Jake - He, he, he... Hey...

Helen - I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages our girls have.

Quinn - Advantages?

Daria - You got me.

(at the bridal expo)

Mack - You know, if the girls see us, we're going to die. They said we'd make them feel self-conscience.

Kevin - Are you kidding? They want us to come bro. That's why they told us not to.

Mack - Huh?

Kevin - They knew that if they invited us to a bridal expo, there's not way we'd go near the place.

Mack - Then, why are we here?

Kevin - Forbidden fruits man, forbidden fruits.

Mack - Where you here yourself talk, does it make sense to you?

Kevin - Sometimes.

Man in Jewerly Stand - Hey fellows, just want you to know, we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business.

(at Windsor Hills)

Jake - This is an expensive vehicle. Be careful with it.

Valet attendent - Yeah right.

Rita - Helen!

Helen - Rita!

Rita - How are you Jake.

Jake - Well, I'm not that...

Rita - Oh, the girls look lovely. But Daria, why didn't you get the same dress as the other bridesmaids?

Daria - I did.

Helen - I'm sorry about the rehersel dinner Rita, I had meetings all yesterday afternoon and by the time we got on the road...

Rita - Everyone this is Paul, my beau.

Paul - Hello.

Jake - Paul Mierson?

Paul - Jake? Jake and I were in boy scouts together. You bring your clubs?

Jake - Hmph.

Daria - Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick them?

Jake - Oh Daria...

(Aunt Amy drives up)

Quinn - Wow, who's that?

Daria - Aunt Amy?

Amy - I don't mind a few dents. But change the radio station and you're a dead man.

Rita - Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.

Amy - I wasn't. But I thought if you two could put asides years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I. For a day.

Helen - Oh Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things.

Amy - Out loud? So Jake, you're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger, how's the sky-diving going?

Helen - Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.

Amy - Oh, sorry. Paul, how do you do.

Paul - Who's Roger?

Quinn - He fell onto a cow.

Paul - Ick.

Daria - And he was one of the lucky ones.

Helen - Girls.

Amy - Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it. I like the way you think Daria.

Rita - Now Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you...

Helen - I need a drink.

Jake - Ha, ha.

Helen - Why are you laughing?

Jake - He...

Quinn - Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.

Daria - Yeah.

(commercial break)

1st Bridesmaid - Oh it can't rain on Brian and Erin's wedding, it just can't!

2nd Bridesmaid - That would be so awful. I couldn't stand it!

Luhrman - On the contrary. Rain is an ancient of fertiity. Every couple should be so lucky.

3rd Bridesmaid - Oh, don't you see, a little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Brian and Erin's life.

Daria - We are not entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

3rd Bridesmaid - You must be Erin's cousin.

Quinn - I am. But Daria's um, her cousin...

3rd Bridesmaid - What?

Daria - Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enought to take me in after my real family was extreminated by the mob.

3rd Bridesmaid - Oh. Well, how come you didn't get the same dress as the rest of us?

Daria - I did.

3rd Bridesmaid - Anyway, it's too bad you guys missed the rehearsal dinner. It was so fun. Let me introduce you to your escorts. Daria, Quinn, this is Garrett. Garrett will be with Quinn.

Daria - Of course.

Garret - Quinn, you're just about the loveliest thing I ever saw.

Quinn - Thanks. Do you think you could get me some soda with just an eentsy-weensty slice of lemon please?

3rd Bridesmaid - Daria, this is your escort, Luhrman.

Daria - Of course.

Luhrman - How do you do, Da-rya.

Daria - It's Daria, actually.

Luhrman - Sorry.

Daria - So, Luhrman. Is that your first name or your last name?

Luhrman - Does it matter?

Garret - Well, they seem to be hitting it off.

Quinn - Oh yeah.

(at school, in the auditorium)

Upchuck - She's rough, she's tough. She's lovely. Our Sandi is in a silk and raw hide outfit by Harves of Beverly Hills. Proving that the happiest day of your life doesn't have to be dull. Stick 'em up hombres. Va va va voom! Here's lovely Brittany in a sleeky and satiny number from Laburb that says, this may be my wedding day but damnit, I wanna dance!

Mack - Wake up! It's Brittany!

Kevin - What? Huh? (spills soda on himself) Oh man! (stands up)

Mack - I think you're blowing our cover.

Brittany - Kevin, what are you doing here?

Kevin - Surprise babe!

Brittany - Oh!

(at the wedding)

Minister - And as we share the joy of this lovely young couple, Brian and Erin, we are to compelled to ask, what is love? Yes, love, like a tiny rivulette, which begins in a high mountain, and only after twisting and turning for thousands of miles, overcoming uncountable obstacles must eventually meet, and merge, with that great ocean of love which is it's birth right and it's destiny.

Amy - (sticks out tongue)

Daria - (laughs)

(everyone looks at her)

Daria - (points out Quinn) It was her.

(at the bridal expo)

Kevin - Babe, I said I was sorry.

Brittany - What if there had been someone there from a major talent agency. What then?

Kevin - Well, I guess they would've seen that you're talented.

Brittany - Oh, that's what you guess, is it? More like they would guess I'm dating the king of the jerks, and they'd be right! Wow! Look at all these flowers. Are these for sale or just display?

(at the wedding)

Paul - So they said to me, why don't we just make you VP and have you take over the whole damn operation. And here I was, 29 years old.

Jake - Yeah, you mentioned. So how'd you meet Rita?

Paul - Well you know, we both love the sea. I have a sailboat.

Jake - And she's a little dingy! I'm kidding of course.

Paul - Well, let's face it. Rita's a little flighty of course, but she's a tiger in the bedroom.

Jake - (looks over at Helen)

Helen - Keep pouring.

Jake - Yeah well I guess it runs in the family.

Luhrman - (mumbles something)

Daria - Um hm. What did you say?

Luhrman - Just a little pointless chit chat. Forget it. Would you like another soda?

Daria - No, uh...

Luhrman - Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner? Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest and not as an incitement to any type of self-destructive behavior.

Daria - You're not from around here, are you.

Erin - Daria, there you are! I can't believe I didn't get to see you before the wedding!

Daria - It was a lovely ceremony.

Erin - Oh, but you haven't met Brian. Isn't he marvelous? He works for the government. Intelligence.

Brian - Erin!

Erin - I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say anything, but isn't it exciting?

Brian - If our national security is comprimised, you can bet there's a woman at the bottom of it.

Erin - Oh, you.

Daria - Oh, God.

Brian - Hey Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else?

Daria - I am. I think I'll go to the...

Brian - The little girl's room?

Daria - Yeah, the little girl's room. I'm going to powder my nose, and check the seams on my nylons.

Luhrman - I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I heard intelligence, but that can't be right.

Minister - A wild, rolling, surging ocean of love, on which we as mear individuals have no control. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Daria - Hi Quinn. Hi Father.

Minister - Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest.

Daria - The important thing is, you're the voice of morality in the comminity.

(in the bathroom)

Amy - I hate myself in a formal dress. And everyone else too. You don't look to thrilled about things either.

Daria - Oh know. I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event. Day to day life isn't humiliating enough.

Amy - Let's see, you're in college now or something.

Daria - Still high school, unfortunately.

Amy - I have some vague memories of high school. But these days you all carry weapons, right?

Daria - Well, not to formal occasions like this.

Amy - That's where you kids make your mistake.

(commercial break)

Minister - Love thy neighbors, love thy brother, love thy parents. Every time you turn a page, love, love, love.

Quinn - Wow.

Amy - Hmm. I thought when I would hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things.

Daria - You feel out of place?

Amy - You didn't notice? My sisters are so busy competing each other that I don't even register on their radar.

Daria - Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean, you're kind of...

Amy - Cool?

Daria - Um...

Amy - I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers.

Daria - Thank you for respecting it.

Amy - When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then one day I found myself all grown up with my own point of view and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's b.s. Ever.

Daria - So it actually worked out pretty well.

Amy - Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Daria - Nah.

(at the bridal expo)

Mack - Hey, what's the matter?

Jodie - This whole thing is starting to get to me. I mean, Daria had a point. Why should high school kids be thinking about marriage? If I see one more sweet dopey girl stuck with a lame brain idiot...

Kevin and Brittany - (walking by) Hi!

(at the wedding)

3rd Bridesmaid - Not even the pep squad?

Daria - Not even the pep squad. I'll be honest with you Daffney. I just can't find the time.

1st Bridesmaid - How come?

Daria - Well, first of all, there's my work.

2nd Bridesmaid - What do you do?

Daria - I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance for strange men.

3rd Bridesmaid - Really? Wow.

Luhrman - She's really very good.

1st Bridesmaid - You've seen her?

Garret - I better go check on Quinn. I can't imagine what could be keeping her.

Rita - Oh, it was a lovely ceremony though, wasn't it?

Jake - It really was, Rita.

Rita - I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here.

Helen - Don't worry, she'll get to live it all vicariously when the bills arrive. Jake, how about getting me another glass of wine?

Jake - Gee honey, maybe you shouldn't...

Helen - Jake, I'd really like a glass of wine, now.

Jake - Right. (leaves)

Rita - Helen, you're not bitter about this.

Helen - Rita please, why would I be bitter? You and Erin deserve the best. You always have.

Rita - Oh no, I should be punished forever because I made a few bad decisions.

Amy - Hi, what are you two arguing about now?

Helen - Arguing? We're not arguing.

Amy - Still mad because Dad gave Rita that MG and all you got was a Plymouth Varium?

Rita - My goodness Amy, the things you remember.

Helen - It was Dodge Dart.

Minister - I guess what I'm trying to say Quinn is, I may be a man of the cloth, but I'm also a man.

Garret - Quinn, there you are. Father...

Minister - Actually I'm a minister, not a priest.

Garret - We've all been wondering where you were.

Quinn - Really?

Garret - Well I know I have.

Minister - I've just been explaining to Quinn how emotions can be very confusing for young people like yourselves.

Garret - With all due respect Father, I wonder if maybe you're not the one with the confusing emotions.

Minister - I'm not sure I take your meaning.

Garret - Oh I think you do.

Quinn - Oh no.

Daria - So it turns out that you could go through training and you could be up there working on the space station in under three monthes. Now I'm just waiting for my turn.

1st Bridesmaid - Wow. Is that true?

Daria - No, it's not true. I just made it up. Also, I'm not an exotice dancer, I don't know Seal, and I wasn't abducted by the undersea fish people.

(Bridesmaids whisper to each other)

2nd Bridesmaid - We decided we better not talk to you anymore.

Daria - What?

3rd Bridesmaid - It's not that we don't like you... It's just...

1st Bridesmaid - You have problems.

Luhrman - Well, duh.

Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back.

Helen - No, my little party's just beginning. Waiter!

Jake - Here, I'll get you some coffee and wedding cake.

Helen - Oh Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up right in front of her.

Jake - Helen, um, you're being kind of loud.

Helen - Oh no! We don't want a scene do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely Mother spent so much lovely money on.

Paul - Is everything okay here?

Helen - Well, you were right about one thing. She sure knows how to pick them.

Paul - Hey!

Jake - Keep it down!

Paul - Wanna make me?

Rita - What's going on? Helen?

Erin - Oh, you know perfectly well what's going on, Mother. Your pathetic boyfriend is making a scene.

Paul - What do you mean pathetic?

Jake - Look in the mirror, pal!

Helen - I just want to say one thing Rita. You may be the pretty one, you may be the one Mom loves, but I worked my damn butt off...

Erin - Aunt Helen! Please!

Brian - What's going on? No cat fights ladies!

Rita - Shut the hell up you prehistoric imbecile.

Amy - Things are getting ugly. I suggest we make a hasty but unobtrusive exit.

Daria - Really?

Amy - Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. You eat, I'll watch.

Daria - I'm, uh, taking off.

Luhrman - Oh sure, leave me to the dogs.

Daria - You can come if you want.

Luhrman - No, I prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold. It's been fun though.

Daria - Yeah.

Amy - Oh, all right, you two. Follow me. Don't look to the right or left, there's nothing you can do for these people now.

(outside of a bowling alley)

Amy - This place oughta do.

Daria - Aunt Amy?

Amy - Just Amy.

Daria - Amy, is life always todry, stupid, and humilating, or is it just a phase?

Amy - Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now. Coast is clear!

SSW - One three-time hubby is not enough for this red hot mammel, the polygament hippopatumus, when Sick, Sad World returns.

Brian - I'm not going back there, I don't care who sent you.

Amy - Does he look familiar to you?

Daria - I think I saw him on America's least wanted.

Amy - I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child.

Daria - Okay. What was she?

Amy - A tightly wound pain in the ass.

Daria - New topic?

Amy - Name it.

(at the wedding)

Garret - I don't know what happened. One minute I had him and then...

Quinn - Shh, shhh...

Paul - Everything's under control here officers. Why don't you two go have a cup of coffee or something, on me. (hands cops money)

Minister - Don't worry, I'm no stranger to pain.

Rita - (crying) I love you Helen!

Helen- (crying) I love you too.

(on the golf range)

Boy - Sir, wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the daytime? Perhaps with some partners.

Jake - Don't talk son, you're shaking the light.