(home movie)

Daria - Hey! You're ruining my birthday cake!

(present)

Daria - If only that were all she ruined.

(home movie)

Daria - Make her stop!

Helen - Oh Daria, she's just a baby, she wants to play too!

(present)

Quinn - I'm such a cute baby.

(home movie)

Daria - Why can't I be an only child?

(present)

Daria - Yeah. Why can't I?

Jake - Isn't it great to sit here and see your whole life unfold before your eyes?

Daria - It's almost as good as drowning.

Jake - Girls, guess what? I found a box of old home movies my Dad took of me when I was a kid! I'm having them transfered to video tape!

Quinn - I wonder why I never went through an awkard stage.

(at the movie theater)

Jane - He wanted you to watch her birth? That could scar you for life.

Daria - The birth itself did that.

Jane - Speaking of permanent damage...

Kevin - I don't see any vegetables!

Daria - You should have my view.

Jane - Why vegetables?

Brittany - To throw at the screen during the big food fight?

Daria - What food fight?

Kevin - Daria, are you thick or something? This is the food in film festival.

Brittany - Didn't you see the Rocky Horror Picture Show last month? Kevin and I wore each other's underwear.

Jane - Again?

Daria - Sorry to dissapoint you, but I don't think this is an interactive event. Tonight they're showing Andre Sakarynsky's last meal.

Jane - A Russian art film from the 1930s.

Kevin - Russian?

Brittany and Kevin - Subtitles! (run off)

(after the movie)

Jane - I'm hungry. You didn't happen to save any of Kevin's produce, did you?

Mr. O'Neill - Daria?

Daria - Uh oh. We're about to be seen with a teacher. Hi Mr. O'Neill.

Mr. O'Neill - Hi girls! I'm just so invigorated! Great cinema is timeless. Couldn't that movie have been made today?

Daria - I guess, if you could find someone to exhume the actors.

Mr. O'Neill - Can I give you two a lift home?

Daira - No that's okay, we love to walk.

Jane - Yeah, it's a perfect night for a nice long stroll.

(starts to rain)

Mr. O'Neill - Don't you want to sit in the front Daria?

Daria - You know, I'd love to, but you know, I'm afraid of an airbag injury.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, what was I thinking? Of course! You must sit in the back. Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than a novel. Do you think this is because of its greater varacimilitude? Jane?

Jane - I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus I don't know what varicimilitude means.

Mr. O'Neill - What about you Daria?

Daria - Let's face is. Most people would rather see a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.

Mr. O'Neill - That is a fabulous class assignment Daria! Thank you for the suggestion!

Daria - Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.

(at school, in Mr. O'Neill's English class)

Mr. O'Neill - So, as an exercise in living literature, you'll all be making your own movies. We have Daria to thank for that exciting suggestion.

Daria - There's that word again.

Mr. O'Neill - Now before we split into movie making teams, who would like to direct?

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Jake - Remember, this is a precious, precise, and very, very costly instrument. It's not the sort of thing one ordinarily lends to a teenagers.

Daria - We'll be careful.

Mr. O'Neill - I explained to you the prefocus modes and the depth of field override, and the auto sleep feature.

Daria - I'm about to go into auto sleep myself.

Jake - Okay Daria, just, try not to use it that much.

(outside)

Jane - There. Tree cam.

Daria - You're just going to leave it running?

Jane - Only a day or two. It'll catch everyone who goes by from the tree's totally objective point of view.

Daria - Riveting.

Jane - Andy Warhol filmed eight hours of a guy sleeping and people thought it was brilliant.

Daria - Those people changed their minds after they got into the twelve step programs.

Jane - Wait, I think I just some leaves rustle.

Daria - There's are climax.

Jane - Maybe we need a script.

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Daria - And then you open the window and say, "Life if a meaningless descent into the void." Then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "Now I understand, I understand everything."

Jane - Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say? And a poodle. I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle.

Daria - Actors.

(at Jane's house, in Jane's room)

Daria - Is there no way out?

Jane - No, except my friend. It's just us, stuck in this room forever and ever.

Daria - Hell is other people.

(Trent walks by and laughs)

Daria - On second thought, hell is myself.

(outside)

Brittany - No, babe, you gotta run to me like you haven't seen me in years. I've been in China, remember?

Kevin - I was trying to do it in slow motion, like Jodie said.

Brittany - You add the slow motion part after, you idiot. Don't you?

Jodie - Who cares. This sucks. I really want to do a film about the supermarket strike.

Brittany - But I already paid for this gown. I can't play a check out girl in this.

Mack - It's a documentary. You don't need the gown.

Brittany - Oh no. I won't do a nude seen. Unless you think it's crucial to my character.

(at Daria's house, in Daria's room)

Daria - What are you doing?

Quinn - Can I borrow something to wear to the Fashion Club party tomorrow night?

Jane - Check her head for bumps.

Quinn - Please Daria? It's the Fashion Don't Costume Gala.

Jane - You know, a Fashion Don't Costime Gala could be kind of, cinematic.

Daria - Hmmm. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I'll lend you an outfit. But you have to let me videotape your friends tonight.

Quinn - What, like, with a camera?

Daria - Yes. For a movie, for class.

Quinn - Why would I say no to that?

(in the living room)

Jane - She's strangely mezmorizing.

Daria - Superficial, narcassistic, self-absorbed, she's got star quality all right.

(home movie)

Quinn - I love your dotes Sandi.

Sandi - But look at you Quinn. Boxy top with too long bottom and the wrong shoes. Where did you ever come up with that?

Tiffany - Quinn, you're a genius.

Quinn - I'm like an artist. And this is how I express myself!

Tiffany - Oh! Bad colour!

(present)

Jane - She's even scarier on tape.

Daria - This party is just the tip of the iceberg. We've found our subject.

Jane - You mean...

Daria - I day in the life of Quinn Morgendorffer.

Jane - I you sure you want to do a horror movie?

(commercial break)

(at Daria's house, sitting around the dinnertable)

Quinn - So they're going to follow me around for the whole day.

Daria - Or a minute. Depended on how much we can stand.

Helen - It's so nice to get home early and have a chance to make dinner. Quinn, are you sure you want to do this? What about your privacy?

Quinn - When did this family turn into such privacy freaks?

Jake - (walks in) My video transfers! I can't wait to relive my childhood! I thought I'd write a little narration before the big screening. I want to capture the whole essence of that period.

Helen - I don't remember you having such fond memories of those days.

Jake - It's all coming back to me! It really makes you feel nostalgic for your childhood. This is your golden time! Enjoy your youth girls.

Quinn - I think I'll pass on dessert, I don't want to look puffy tomorrow.

Daria - I guess I'll go watch TV by myself for awhile.

(in Daria's room)

SSW - When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar. Tanked in a tutu, when Sick, Sad World returns.

Helen - (knocks on door)

Daria - Come in.

Helen - Daria, I wonder if you'd tell me what you have in mind for this movie of Quinn.

Daria - What do you mean? It's just a lame assignment for English class.

Helen - I mean, why Quinn?

Daria - Well, she's lively, she's photogenic, you know what? She's bubbly.

Helen - Daria.

Daria - We're going to follow around Quinn for a day and show the world what it's like to be attractive and popular. I'm kind of curious about that myself.

Helen - It's just that sometimes you judge people's behavior by a pretty rigid set of standards. Not everyone can live up to them.

Daria - That's what wrong with the world.

Helen - Not even you live up to them all the time.

Daria - I guess I could go easy on her.

Helen - Thanks sweetie.

Daria - But don't hold your breath.

Jane - (rings doorbell)

Daria - (opens door)

Jane - Ready?

Daria - Raring. Remember, we're exposing a hollow, self-centered ego-maniac. Trust me. We won't have to work very hard. Let's just say mornings are not her best time.

Quinn - Good morning, beautiful world. Don't you want to shoot me?

Daria - Yes, I want to shoot you.

Quinn - By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good.

Daria - You're already wearing makeup.

Quinn - I am not! I just happen to be the kind of person who doesn't really need makeup.

Daria - So you're putting it on because...

Quinn - Not everyone is as lucky as I am. I want to be a role model for all people. Even for people who need makeup badly.

Daria - I think I need to sit down. I'm getting dizzy.

(outside of the Food Lord)

Strikers - The people! United! Will never be divided!

Brittany - I don't get it! Why are they all standing there?

Mack - They're having a dispute with management. So they refuse to work.

Brittany - Someone should tell them they're taking up the sidewalk.

Mack - Tell me why you're on strike and what you hope to accomplish.

Man - It's simple enough. An honest day's pay for an honest day's work. Stop chistling away out benefits

Brittany - I'm getting a craving babe.

Kevin - Ho-ho?

Brittany - Yeah!

Kevin - No problem babe!

People - Hey! Excuse me! You can't go in there!

(at Yoga class)

Quinn - Power yoga is really important to do because inner beauty is just as important as outer beauty. Like, can you have a CD without a CD player? I don't think so!

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Jake - It was a time of innocence, when you left your door unlocked and candy bars cost a nickle. Not that those two facts are related, aww, damnit! Lemme start over. It was a carefree time when a young boy could learn to ride his bike, on sun-dappled streets. Hey! Why doesn't anybody help that poor kid? He skinned his knee! Oh I get it. Get back on the bike Jake, big boys don't cry. Crying is for girls Jakey. Shake, shake, quiver, and quake! It's all coming back to me now!

(at the pizza place)

Sandi - Are your cousin and her friend going to follow us everywhere we go?

Quinn - I told you, just ignore them.

Tiffany - You always say that about them, but they don't usually have a camera.

Quinn - It's a little project that I got um, forced into. By the way, which do you think is my best side?

Zachary - They're both good.

Quinn - I know, but this side has my better dimples.

Daria - I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Quinn - Um, guy? Would you find out if they have those cheeseless pizzas?

Zachary - Sure! And, um, it's Zachary.

Sandi - Why did you invite that guy?

Tiffany - I thought you were going steady with Larry this week.

Quinn - Larry totaled his car. Zachary's got his Mom's car.

Stacy - You're so smart Quinn. You always think ahead.

Quinn - Did you hear that? Did you hear that guys? Guys!

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Helen - Oh, look at that cute little boy. And he grew up into such a handsome man. Honey? Wouldn't you like a little more light in here? Okay Jake, I'm just going to catch up on some paperwork in the kitchen.

(at the mall)

Quinn - Thanks for driving us here Erin.

Zachary - It's Zachary.

Quinn - That's what I said. But shopping is kind of a girl thing. Maybe you could meet us after or something.

Zachary - But what will I do in the meantime?

Quinn - I don't know, do you have any shopping to do? Maybe there's someone special you want to get a present for.

Zachary - Um, well, you're kind of special Quinn.

Quinn - Oh Zachary, you don't have to get me a present. If you ask for Theresa on Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out.

Daria - Did you get that? I hope you got that.

Jane - Did you know that oil refiner spelt backwards is renifer lio?

Quinn - Oh look! Pore refiner. I'm glad I don't need that. Have you ever noticed that popular people always have the tinest pores? I wonder why that is?

Tiffany - Your pores are really cute Quinn.

Quinn - But you can't seem them, can you? Oh my god, they've been... They've been zooming! You better not zoom that thing. Stop zooming, I mean it. If you can see any of my pores on camera, I swear, I'll kill you. Stop the tape! I do not have pores! My pores are cute! My pores are tiny! You're fired!

Daria - Anything you say can and will be used against you. We've got our Quinn.

Jane - That's a wrap.

Daria - But a wrap skirt is a definate don't. Oh my god, did I just say that?

(commercial break)

(Daria's dream)

Daria as Quinn - I have really cute pores, don't I.

Jane as Tiffany - You really do. Each one is like a tiny dimple.

Jane as Stacy - I wish I had pores like yours.

Daria as Quinn - Pores like yours. That would be a great name for a pore conditioning exfoliant.

Jane as Sandi - God Daria, how do you do it? Here we are, complimenting your perfect pores and you're unselfishly thinking about how you can improve the pores over others.

Daria as Quinn - Duh. I guess when it rains, it pores.

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Daria - Dad, what are you doing up?

Jake - I was a child, I needed attention. I had a boo boo on my knee.

Daria - It's pretty much healed now though, right?

Jake - Did anyone care? No one cared. This is what I never had Daria. What we're doing now. Simple parent and child bonding. The kind of closeness your mother and I have worked so hard to give you.

Daria - Gee that's funny, I could've sworn I woke up from the dream.

Jake - You just can't put a price on a moment like this Daria. And once these years are gone, they're gone.

Daria - Dad, it's 4am. I just woke up from my worst nightmare, resembling my sister. You're reliving an instance of parental neglect from four years ago. You call this parent and child bonding?

Jake - Works for me.

Daria - Let's watch again.

(at the Do Me A Donut)

Daria - Thanks for meeting me here.

Jane - Sounds like you had a rough night.

Daria - Just promise me that if I start acting, talking, or thinking like Quinn, you'll do the right thing.

Jane - If you don't respond to drug therapy, I'll authorize electric shock. By the way, your tweensy weensy pores look really cute today.

Daria - But which is my best side, hmm? I know they're both good.

Trent - Hey Daria.

Jane - Did I forget to mention who drove me here?

(at Daria's house, in the living room)

Jane - This is too easy.

Daria - Shooting ducks in a barrel.

Helen - How's that film project coming?

Daria - Pretty good.

Helen - I haven't seen you so amused since your sister fell at your dance rehearsal.

Daria - That was me.

Helen - Oh, I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls. Can I sneak a peek?

Daria - We're still editing.

Jane - Quinn's got a real screen presence. (plays tape)

Helen - Oh my, this is a little cruel. Are you sure you haven't taken her out of context?

Daria - She creates her on context.

Helen - You know Daria, I wouldn't let Quinn create a movie that made her sister look ridiculous.

Daria - How could she? She doesn't admit to having one.

Helen - I'll tell you what Daria, you do what you think is right.

Jane - I don't like the sound of that.

Daria - Don't worry, she's clearly overestimated my conscious. By assuming I have one at all.

Quinn - Is that my movie? Can I see?

Daria - Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.

Jane - See, we're like artists. And this is how we express ourselves. You understand.

Quinn - I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.

Daria - Perish the thought.

Quinn - I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.

Daria - Or anything else.

Quinn - I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I'm outside of myself watching, and it's like, who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars, but then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff and you're good at your little paintings.

Jane - They are miniscule, aren't they.

Quinn - I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but you know, it's what I can do. (leaves)

Daria - Aw, hell.

Jane - Yeah.

(at school, in Mr. O'Neill's class)

(Mr. O'Neill plays Jodie's movie)

Mr. O'Neill - Jodie, where did you learn to juggle symbolism like that?

Jodie - Um, I worked with story boards. I think that helps.

Mr. O'Neill - And now, a work by Daria and Jane.

(Mr. O'Neill plays Daria and Jane's movie)

Jane - What was that?

Daria - I told her I'd give her the opportunity to show there was more to her than the surface Quinn. Turns out there isn't.

Jane - And what exactly happened to the pore stuff? Our big finish?

Daria - You know the conscious I don't have? It got to me.

Mr. O'Neill - Wow. The Depth of Shallowness. Now what if we...

Quinn - (falls into classroom)

Everyone - (claps and cheers)

(in the hallway)

Jodie - Your movie really kicked butt guys.

Daria - Oh sure.

Jodie - I mean it! It really captured a kind of despair. Your sister makes me so sad.

Daria - You and me both.

Guy - You're the girl from the movie! I love you.

Girl 1 - Which is my best side? Can you tell me?

Jodie - Now I'm really sad.

Girl 2 - God, I thought I was the only one ashamed of my pores.

Quinn - We're all ashamed of our pores. But you mustn't be shamed of our shame.

Jane - So you did the compassionate thing and look where it got you.

Daria - She's more popular than ever. We set out to make an expose, it ends up a love letter.

Jane - See, we're like artists. And this is how we screw ourselves.

Quinn - And you to have bouncy hair if you just take the time to bounce from the inside out. Come on everyone! Bounce with me!