(at school, in study hall)

Ms. Barch - Mack, make that boys are the scorge of the earth.

Brittany - The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!

Daria - Yeah. Nothing says be mine like a pounding heart beneath the floor boards.

Ms. Li - Attention young people! I have an exciting announcement! Grove Hills, the school for gifted and outstanding students have issued special invitations to several of our students to visit it campus. And among those honored are Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Landon!

Jane - I knew those straight Cs in Math would pay off some day.

(at Daria's house, in the kitchen)

Jake - Ah! Damn plate! Hey! Mom told me about Grove Hills! That's great kiddo!

Daria - Yeah. I'm tired of being at a school where the kids just think they're cooler than me. I want to go to one where they're smarter than me also.

Helen - Daria, I'm so proud of you honey. Grove Hills. The friends you make there could really launch your career.

Daria - And why study when you can network?

Helen - It's just a visit Daria.

Daria - That's what they told JFK.

Helen - I'll pay you twenty dollars.

Daria - A hundred.

Jake - Hey! How come you never offer me a bribe?

Helen - Because we work together as a team. Now, let me handle it.

Jake - Darnit!

Helen - If I give you twenty dollars will you let me handle this?

Jake - A hundred.

Helen - Forty.

Jake - Sixty.

Helen - Fifty.

Jake - Done.

Helen - Fifty?

Daria - Done.

Helen - Then it's settled. We're going to Grove Hills this weekend. Then it's settled.

Quinn - That place where they fence in all the geeks? Why do I have to go! That's not fair.

Helen - Quinn I'm afraid siblings aren't invited. You're staying home.

Quinn - You mean the whole family gets to go without me? That's not fair.

Helen - Oh here.

Quinn - Don't worry, I'll take good care of the house while you're gone.

Daria - You mean like last time when you had that keg party and Jeffy threw up in Mom's closet?

Quinn - He did not! It was Jerome.

Helen - I don't like the idea of you staying here alone anyways.

Quinn - Why not? I'm not afraid.

Daria - Yeah. Why should you be afraid of mass murderers, serial killers, torturers, canabals, puppy kickers...

Quinn - Mom!

Helen - Maybe you can stay at Sandi's. Even if I have to call that witch Linda.

(on the phone)

Helen - Linda, how are you?

Linda - Well, I just need to earn a hundred and twenty percent of target projection this year earning me a bonus and an incentive check. So I'm pretty damn good. How are you?

Helen - Oh, I'm having a good year too. Yes, a very good year, yes. Um, thank you so much for letting Quinn stay with you this weekend. Now, she sometimes needs a little supervision...

Linda - Don't worry, I've got firm ground rules. First and foremost, no boys.

Helen - N-O, no.

Linda - Sandi has to beat them off with a stick. But who am I kidding? I had the same problem at her age.

Sandi - So Ricki and the guys will be waiting for us at tower point.

Quinn - Wear smudge proof lipstick.

Linda - I've already hid the keys to the car, in case Sandi gets any ideas.

Helen - You know I had to beat them off with a stick too.

Sandi - I made a copy of the keys to the car.

Quinn - Bring scarf to avoid convertible hair.

Linda - And lights out by eleven.

Helen - Did you hear that? About the stick?

Sandi - Then after my mother checks on us at eleven, we climb out the window, grab the car, and meet the guys.

Quinn - Gee Sandi, you thought of everything! No wonder you're the president of the Fashion Club!

Helen - My Linda, you thought of everything. No wonder you're on the board of the Lawndale business woman's alliance.

(outside of Daria's house)

Jodie - Thanks for the ride. My parents will meet us up there after the new members brunch at their club. My father's been on the waiting list for three years.

Daria - Remember, no matter what happens on this ride, you've already waived your right to sue me for confining you with lunatics.

(in the car)

Helen - So Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?

Daria - You don't have to answer that.

Jodie - I'm president of French Club, vice-president of Student Council, Editor of Yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.

Jake - Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?

Daria - Because it's classified as a sport.

Helen - Speaking of sports, Jodie do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.

Jodie - Oh, sure, Kevin's great. At smashing beer cans with his head.

Helen - I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.

Daria - For the same reason why I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.

Jake - So Jodie, you gotta fellow?

Jodie - Yeah, his name is Michael, but everyone calls him Mack.

Jake - Wow!

Daria - Should we go to the main building? Or just apply for jobs at the stable?

(at Sandi's house)

Quinn - So I told Peter look, I don't care how many times you ask me out, you're not my type.

Sandi - I know. I don't know how many times he's asked me out.

Quinn - That's what I just said.

Sandi - No, you said, you don't care how many times he's asked you out.

Quinn - Well, I meant...

Sandi - Oh look Quinn, he's wearing sandals like yours. Is this a re-run?

Quinn - I don't think so. Can I get you a diet soda?

Sandi - No thanks. But help yourself to some grapes. I hear they're great for breakouts.

Sandi's brother - Hey sis! Whatcha watching?

Sandi - Turn it back! Ow! You little geek!

Quinn - Hey! What happened to fashion vision?

Sandi's brother - Oh! Sorry Quinn! Want a peanut butter log?

Sandi's other brother - Need a smoother class?

Sandi's brother - Can I fluff your shoelaces?

Quinn - Well, let's see...

Sandi - If you guys like Quinn so much maybe you can adopt her and I can go live with the Morgendorffers.

Sandi's brother - Cool!

Sandi's other brother - I'll help you pack!

Sandi - Quinn, it's getting kind of crowded in here. Maybe Tiffany has more room.

Quinn - What are you saying Sandi?

(at Grove Hills)

Marina - Hi! Welcome to Grove Hills! I'm Marina.

Jodie - I'm Jodie.

Daria - Daria.

Marina - Jodie, Daria, I'd like you to meet Lara, Gram, and Cassidy.

Cassidy - What's up?

Lara - Hi, nice to meet you.

Marina - Lara, why don't you fill these girls in on the many advantages of a Grove Hills education.

Lara - Well, number one. You only have to put up with shrill recruiters at phoney functions like this.

Marina - Excuse me.

Cassidy - And you're not surrounded by nearly as many stupid people as you would be at home.

Gram - Starting with your parents.

Daria - Maybe this place isn't so bad.

(commercial break)

(at Grove Hills)

Film - At Grove Hills you can contemplate pruce in our spacious dorm rooms, engage in conversationl Latin...

Daria - Dump bodies into the river from our scenic bell tower.

Film - Welcome aboard to Grove Hills! You're first station on the track to wisdom.

Marina - I hope everyone enjoyed our film. Great! I think a super way to start this meet and greet session would be to tell a little about our goals in life. Who's like to start?

Jodie - Well, someday I'd like to own a business. Maybe a consulting firm geared towards minority start ups.

Marina - Excellant! Daria? What about your goals?

Daria - Um, I don't have any.

Marina - Oh, come Daria, you must have some goals.

Daria - My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life at a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.

Film - Welcome, to the hallow halls of Grove Hills. Do you think it's a coincidence that the rich and powerful all seem to know each other? Think again. They met at school. Don't let your gifted prodigy to drown...

Jake - (coughs)

Film - Would you rather get an early acceptance to the Ivy League school or at some third-rate college?

Jake - Hey! The old almamotta!

Helen - You must be Jodie's parents.

Michelle - Why do you say that?

Andrew - Andrew Landon. My wife, Michelle.

Jake - Hey Andrew! Saw you parking your Jag out there!

Andrew - Little gift I bought myself after hitting the big figures with my folding coffee cup. The key is to find a way to keep those damn creases from leaking.

Jake - You know, I came up with an idea for a suction powered nail clipper! But then somebody beat me to the punch.

Andrew - My boy Evan, a line backer huh? Not that I don't love my girls, but Evan, he's my son.

Helen - Jodie told us all about you. Walking away from your senior vice-presidency at U.S. World to have a baby. That took guts.

Michelle - Okay, so Evan wasn't planned. But I'm okay with it.

Jake - Maybe I can talk Helen into having a boy!

Helen - Maybe I can talk you into letting me keep the house.

(at Tiffany's house)

Tiffany - Does this picture make my nose look too close to my mouth?

Quinn - No, they're a comfortable distance apart.

Tiffany - How about my teeth? The front ones aren't too white, are they?

Quinn - No, they have just the right amount of whiteness. Can we go to Cashman's now?

Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - No way.

Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - No!

Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - You're not freaking fat, okay?

(at Grove Hills)

Helen - I can't tell you how much I like Jodie. I just wish Daria was as popular. I mean if Jodie can make friends so easily, why can't Daria?

Michelle - Why would Jodie have any problem making friends?

Helen - Well, there is not a lot of diversity at Lawndale High School. A few people can be narrow minded and not always accept, right away, people from different backgrounds.

Michelle - Why is Jodie's background any different from Daria's?

Helen - Absolutely right. Excuse me while I use the ladies room.

Andrew - You know what riles me Jako, those damn welfare cheats.

Jake - Well, I don't...

Andrew - Thank God for creative accounting or I'll be spending half my net supporting those couch potatoes.

Jake - But I...

Andrew - It's because of those lousy cheats that Americans end up using child labor.

Jake - Yeah! Damn welfare cheats!

Helen - Now Jake, a lot of hard working people just need a little help now and then. There's nothing wrong with that, right Michelle?

Michelle - What makes you think I'm in favor of welfare?

(at Stacy's house)

Stacy - I'm so glad you're staying here Quinn.

Quinn - Yeah, me too.

Stacy - Don't tell anybody this, but I like you best out of everybody in the Fashion Club.

Quinn - Um, that's nice Stacy. God! Look at Brittany in that slip dress.

Stacy - Slip dress? In fact, I'd say you're my first best friend. Tiffany's my second best friend. And Sandi's my third best friend. Although sometimes Tiffany's third, and Sandi's second, but you're always my first.

Quinn - Um, whatever.

Stacy - Quinn, who do you like best?

Quinn - Stacy! I'm trying to read this article on eyelashes.

Stacy - Oh right, sorry.

Quinn - Ugh! I can't believe she's wearing it! Slip dresses are so over.

Stacy - Yeah, slip dresses are so over. So Quinn, do you wanna go see a movie?

Quinn - Sure! What do you want to see?

Stacy - I don't know, whatever you want to see.

Quinn - What are you wearing?

Stacy - What do you want me to wear?

Quinn - And what's that?

Stacy - I thought we could color our hair the same shade.

Quinn - Um, I gotta go.

(at Grove Hills)

Gram - They say high school's supposed to be the happiest time of your life.

Daria - If your life is extremely short.

Gram - Exactly. You're funny.

Jodie - See what happens when you give people a chance?

Gram - Our happiest years will be when we make our first million. I can't wait to strole down the Riveria with a model on each arm.

Daria - Gee, that's interesting. I guess you can be intellectually gifted and still be morally bankrupt.

Gram - I certainly hope so!

Lara - Oh my God.

Gram - I can't believe David has the nerve to show up.

Lara - Who does he think he is?

Jodie - What did he do? Cheat on a test?

Cassidy - Worse. We got our SAT scores back today, David's were only in the ninetieth percentile. Idiot.

Lara - I just can't hang out with him any more. He's too banal.

Gram - And he used to be so interesting.

Daria - Thank god for standardized tests. Otherwise you'd never know who your real friends our.

Gram - Right, I mean, amusing.

Daria - See what happens when you give people a chance?

Jodie - Daria... Hey guys, wait up!

(commercial break)

(at Jane's house)

Jane - What are you doing here?

Quinn - Um, I need to use your phone.

Jane - What's wrong with your phone?

Quinn - Nothing. Can I spend the night?

Jane - Are you kidding?

Quinn - My Mother says I can't stay home alone.

Jane - I don't care. I'll even spring for the keg. But you have to pay for the dry cleaning.

Quinn - It's too last minute to throw a party.

Jane - Then just talk on the phone all night. Ask your friends if they could be a nail polish what color they would be and why.

Quinn - I'm sick of that game.

Jane - You're afraid to go home.

Quinn - I am not.

Jane - Sorry, no vacancies.

Quinn - All right, I'm afraid. There's mass serial puppy killers and stuff. Come on! Please?

Jane - I'm going to regret this. Nevermind, I already do.

(at Grove Hills)

Principal - Here at Grove Hills, we strongly believe that parental involvement is imperative.

Helen - I couldn't agree more.

Principal - As a Grove Hills parent, you'll be attending monthly board meetings, weekend clean up parties, fundrasing drives, do you collate?

Helen - Um, sure, if I had the time, which isn't often. I'll try to, schedule permitting.

Parent - I as wondering, just how many students go on to top colleges?

Principal - 91 percent.

Parent - And what kind of schools do the other 9 percent go to?

Principal - Some students require a little, rest, after Grove Hills.

Andrew - What kind of rest?

Principal - Oh you know, sometimes away from grades, and away from competition. And occasionaly away from the pressure of dressing and feeding themselves.

Lara - Before I came here, I was an intellectual outcast. They made fun of me for quoting Imramb.

Jodie - Actually, I think she's pretty disturbing...

Gram - That's not the point. The point is you know who she is. At Grove Hills you can discuss her with people like us. Instead of idiots and fools, like quarterbacks who tell the whole school you shower in a towel. I'd like to see a quarterback write a paper on Imramb.

Jodie - I think the cultural revolution...

Gram - You have an awful lot to say for someone who doesn't even go to this school yet.

Jodie - What's that supposed to mean?

Gram - It means, that we don't we ait to see if you get into Grove Hills before listening to your opinions.

Jodie - Hey! Just because some jock made you feel like the loser you are, don't take it out on me.

Gram - I'm not a loser! I have an 165 IQ!

Jodie - Who cares? You're still boring and miserable! Try taking your head out of your butt for once and opening up your mioptic little eyes. Or doesn't your 165 IQ make you smart enough to see the way you really are.

Gram - I'll make sure you never set foot in this school again!

Daria - That's a relief. For a minute there I thought you were really going to threaten us.

(outside)

Daria - Admit it. That felt good.

Jodie - Well, a little. Okay, a lot.

Daria - Busting on jerks like Gram is one of life's few pleasures. You should try it more often.

Jodie - Oh shut up.

Daria - Um, good start...

Jodie - You realize your negative approach to everyone is self-defeating, right?

Daria - Well, it's nice to know there's someone I can defeat.

Jodie - I mean, you may spare yourself some pain by cutting everyone off, but you miss out on a lot of good stuff too.

Daria - Look Jodie, I'm too smart and too sensitive to live in a world like ours in a time like now with a sister like mine. Maybe I do miss out on stuff. But this attitude is what works for me now.

Jodie - Then you'll understand what works for me now. At home, I'm just Jodie. I can do or say whatever feels right. But at school, I'm the queen of the Negros, the perfect African-American teen, the role model for all of the other African-American teens at Lawndale. Oops! Where'd they go? Believe me, I'd like to be more like you.

Daria - Well, I have to admit there are times when I'd like to be more like you.

Jodie - Really?

Daria - I didn't say all the time.

Jodie - So, Lawndale or Grove Hills?

Daria - I'll stick with Lawndale. If I came here, I'd end up poisoning the sloppy joe mix.

Jodie - Yeah, you're right. I'm pushed to the breaking point of being miss model student for Lawndale. A year here might kill me.

(at Jane's house, in Jane's room)

Quinn - I mean he was really nice and cute and stuff but he was only two inches taller than me, and my entire shoe collection is based on the concept of dating guys three inches taller than me or more. I don't get abstract art. Who wants to look at a bunch of squiggly six sided people when you can get those really pretty cat paintings on a shopping network. Not that I would ever waste money on art.

Trent - Hey Janey. You got any money?

Quinn - Money? Are you going out? I wouldn't mind going out for a while. Of course I don't know if I'd want to go out with someone dressed like that.

Trent - Um, who are you?

Jane - You remember Quinn, Daria's sister.

Trent - Oh yeah, Daria's sister. Hey.

Quinn - Excuse me, I have a name.

Trent - Right. Daria's sister.

SSW - You mean you want him back, even though he tied you to a chair and left it on an eight lane high way in the middle of rush hour?

Lady - He got carried away by the moment.

Quinn - Eww! How could she go on TV looking like that?

(in the car)

Helen - So you're sure you don't want to go to Grove Hills?

Daria - Positive. Why go to a school to learn useless information when I can go to Lawndale to learn it for free.

Helen - Well Daria, your father and I think you're passing up an important opportunity.

Jake - But you said...

Helen - However we said we'd respect your decision and a promise is a promise.

Daria - Really? So I can have that pony now?

Helen - If you change your mind sweetie, you just let us know all right?

Daria - By the way, what did you think of the Landons?

Jake - Very nice!

Helen - Yes, very nice.

Daria - You ticked them off.

Helen - No no no no...

Jake - Yes.

(in the Landon car)

Michelle - Of course you don't have to go to Grove Hills. I'd never ask you to do anything you'd regret.

Andrew - Oh, me neither.

Jodie - So, what did you think of the Morgendorffers?

Michelle - What a couple of headcases.

(outside of Daria's house)

Jake - Morgage, sweet morgage. What do you want to do know sweetie?

Helen - Trial seperation?

Quinn - And the other thing is, who came up with the name tennis bracelet anyway. It sounds like some kind of sweatband if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive?

Jane - Take her. Now.

Daria - This story I gotta hear.

(at school, in study hall)

Jodie - Rent a brain.

Daria - How to win friends and influence people.

Jodie - It's not bad. It's about all the things a good attitude can get you.

Daria - Oh. This is about attitude as well. A young man's journey into unknown territory brings him face to face with the savage brutatlity within his own soul.